Is it acceptable to go on a date when you still have feelings for someone else

Kah310392 · April 13, 2015

I've been asked out on a date and I've just gone through a messy break up. Not the first time we have broke up, I've had another thread for this problem. This guy is lovely and wants to take me out. He knows my story and he knows I'm not looking for much at the minute, and that I don't want to force anything with anyone and if it happens it just happens. Is it a wise idea to go with me still having feelings for my ex?

relevart · April 13, 2015

If you have to ask, I suspect you think the answer is no. Only you can know for sure, but you owe it to yourself and the new dude to make sure you are ready for this before you go out with him.

mhowe · April 13, 2015

No it isn't. Because you haven't resolved your ex issues yet --- and regardless that he says "I know" --- it is using him. You are not emotionally open. He asked you for a date....not for a friendship.

Sportster2005 · April 13, 2015

I've been asked out on a date and I've just gone through a messy break up. Not the first time we have broke up, I've had another thread for this problem. This guy is lovely and wants to take me out. He knows my story and he knows I'm not looking for much at the minute, and that I don't want to force anything with anyone and if it happens it just happens. Is it a wise idea to go with me still having feelings for my ex?

You've been upfront with him, so yes. If he's trying to second guess you, that's his problem.

Mari · April 13, 2015

I've been asked out on a date and I've just gone through a messy break up. Not the first time we have broke up, I've had another thread for this problem. This guy is lovely and wants to take me out. He knows my story and he knows I'm not looking for much at the minute, and that I don't want to force anything with anyone and if it happens it just happens. Is it a wise idea to go with me still having feelings for my ex?

It's not wise. While this is a good opportunity and you may not get this opportunity in the future, you're not in a position to utilize it effectively. Let's say he does go with you and you've already warned him that you're not ready. Regardless of what he says, he's open to invest now and will probably become more invested in you way faster than you will be invested in him. And then finally when you're ready and come around and the relationship goes further he may say "I was really into you in the beginning and you weren't so I don't want to get hurt again by investing like that in you again." Or, "I loved you but all you could think about is your ex." Even worse is if your ex tries to reconcile and since you want that instead you have to leave, then this guy is going to being hurt and feeling second best. And then your ex may not give you as good of a relationship saying well you did stuff with this other guy when you supposedly had feelings for him. Any time your ex screws up you'll be thinking but I had this over there and it was better. The opportunity seems like it's good but there are a lot of ways it can go wrong, you're better off just making sure your feelings have died down first and can commit to the new guy.

ParisPaulette · April 13, 2015

I'm with Sporster on this one. He knows the issue, it's nice to get out and meet a friend, treat it as that. If he wants more then say no a second time, but sooner or later you have to venture out into the world anyways so why not with someone who already knows where they stand.

P.S. You can also tell him, "I won't go out with you on a date, no romance, but I would like to go out together as friends. Would you still be okay with that?"

Clinton · April 13, 2015

Bad idea. No matter what you or anyone else says, deep down we all know hes hoping for romance. Lots of people will take the date with someone that's says they aren't ready because they think they can change their mind.

Why lead him on. Wait till you are actually ready to date. I mean, how desperate are you for companionship? Being alone for a while till your head clears is a good thing.

missmarple · April 13, 2015

The way I see things, what matters is to be honest with yourself and the other person and you've been honest with both. So, I don't see what harm it can do to go out and have a good time and you never know.

Hollyj · April 13, 2015

No. Wait till you're over the other one.

Hollyj · April 13, 2015

I hope you don't go back to the ex, as he is repeatedly breaking up with you.

Know that nothing will change in the future with this guy. Get off the hamster wheel, forever!!!

jimthzz · April 13, 2015

It's just a date, go see a movie and get suchi after. No sex

Why not have some fun?

Go dutch and split the bill.

melancholic_too · April 13, 2015

I don't think there's anything wrong with it either. You were up front, he knows what the story is. I went on a couple of dates shortly after my breakup (no expensive dinners and after meeting them there was no potential anyway). It helped me though in moving on. Everyone heals differently and as long as nobody is getting hurt in the process or being led on to believe it is something it is not... there is no harm (imho)

cbh1979 · April 13, 2015

Interesting question. Though I still have feelings for my ex, I went out on a date with someone a little over a week ago, and have another planned with another woman. Of course they don't know that I still harbor these feelings, but I felt like I needed to get back out there in order to move on. Otherwise I'm at home, likely thinking about the ex and pining away for her. No thanks.

jimthzz · April 13, 2015

Interesting question. Though I still have feelings for my ex, I went out on a date with someone a little over a week ago, and have another planned with another woman. Of course they don't know that I still harbor these feelings, but I felt like I needed to get back out there in order to move on. Otherwise I'm at home, likely thinking about the ex and pining away for her. No thanks.

nailed it.

Misskitty16 · April 13, 2015

Yes, I absolutely think you should go. You have been straight up with him, there is no deception. If it goes badly, so be it. No biggie....you may be pleasantly surprised.

Kah310392 · April 13, 2015

Yes, I absolutely think you should go. You have been straight up with him, there is no deception. If it goes badly, so be it. No biggie....you may be pleasantly surprised.

This is exactly my point. There is a lot of conflicting opinions on this. But like a lot of people have said I could be pleasantly surprised and I have been upfront about my situation. I'm not looking for anything. As for the post of being desperate for companionship, it's not that at all it's the fact that maybe after 5 years I do need to meet new people. It could take me ages to fully get over my ex does that mean I have to sit here and let every opportunity pass by... Because I bet he isn't so why do I have to?

Misskitty16 · April 13, 2015

This is exactly my point. There is a lot of conflicting opinions on this. But like a lot of people have said I could be pleasantly surprised and I have been upfront about my situation. I'm not looking for anything. As for the post of being desperate for companionship, it's not that at all it's the fact that maybe after 5 years I do need to meet new people. It could take me ages to fully get over my ex does that mean I have to sit here and let every opportunity pass by... Because I bet he isn't so why do I have to?

I don't think it is desperate at all, I think it is healthy.

Hollyj · April 13, 2015

Interesting question. Though I still have feelings for my ex, I went out on a date with someone a little over a week ago, and have another planned with another woman. Of course they don't know that I still harbor these feelings, but I felt like I needed to get back out there in order to move on. Otherwise I'm at home, likely thinking about the ex and pining away for her. No thanks.

.

Don't use others.

saluk · April 13, 2015

Throwing my vote in for "don't". The few dates I have been on while I was still emotionally attached to an ex have not helped me much. And then there was one girl who I met at a party and got really close to, being completely honest about where I was, and even with that she wasn't as honest with me about her feelings for me that were growing. She pretended like she was ok with where I was at - and ended up getting hurt and was pretty upset with me. Totally her fault, but it was something I didn't need to deal with at that time.

abitbroken · April 13, 2015

Just because someone wants to go out with you, doesn't mean you should. I would wait until its not so raw. SOME people can operate on the system where they can go out with someone once, then go out with other people and not commit and just have "fun dating." Other people attach quickly. Be honest on what your style is. Brutally honest. When you met your ex, were you dating others and eventually pair off, or were you exclusive from day one?

I recommend going out with platonic friends for company right now until your feelings for your ex subside and you are truly ready to date. Go out with female friends, couples, groups. I know you say you have been upfront, but how many threads have been started here about someone meeting someone who says they are not over their ex, but things start to go so well between them that the other person feels that they have hope, and then get hurt 3-6 months later when the other person is still not ready to commit, even though they are exclusively dating.

Or the person who was not over their ex gets hurt because when they are ready to commit, the other party doesn't because they are attracted to unavailable women and bail.

cbh1979 · April 13, 2015

.
Don't use others.

I'm not using anyone. I'm moving on, and part of that process is seeing other people.

cbh1979 · April 13, 2015

This is exactly my point. There is a lot of conflicting opinions on this. But like a lot of people have said I could be pleasantly surprised and I have been upfront about my situation. I'm not looking for anything. As for the post of being desperate for companionship, it's not that at all it's the fact that maybe after 5 years I do need to meet new people. It could take me ages to fully get over my ex does that mean I have to sit here and let every opportunity pass by... Because I bet he isn't so why do I have to?

That's why I say go for it. Why should you sit around thinking about him when you could be out enjoying yourself with someone else? And you know where your heart/head is at...you're not looking for anything, so go and have a good time and let the chips fall where they may. You might very well find that you're not ready, in which case you give it more time. Or, you find that you're actually OK.

Hollyj · April 13, 2015

I was referring to the other posters that's said he knew the score, so it's OK. Many times people will say that hoping they can change your mind, then they get hurt.

If you're not over your ex, then you're not prepared to give your heart to others, unless you want to only have a FWB situation . What's wrong with hanging with friends for a while?

Plus, you do not use other people to move, you do this yourself.

abitbroken · April 13, 2015

I was referring to the other posters that's said he knew the score, so it's OK. Many times people will say that hoping they can change your mind, then they get hurt.

If you're not over your ex, then you're not prepared to give your heart to others, unless you want to only have a FWB situation . What's wrong with hanging with friends for a while?

Plus, you do not use other people to move, you do this yourself.

Also, if he "knows the score", then it is your responsibility to also not get serious. Don't agree to see this guy on a regular basis for his heart and yours. Accept dates from others and go out with friends. if someone or him needs a plus one to a charity even t they already have tickets for - fine. But its not just about "he knows my situation" because it becomes confusing if you were to show interest in him - lots of threads start "he/she said they weren't interested in anything serious, but yet we text daily, talk on the phone weekly and are going out at least once a week. They also touch me like they are interested. I am so confused!" In otherwords, your words say no, but everything else says yes.

Like is say, if you are someone who ended up in a relationship with every person you have met from date one, versus someone who is super social and when single would date around (go to movies with a number of different guys, etc.)

Hollyj · April 13, 2015

Good God! You've been together for five years and broken up for a week. What's the rush???

You need to deal with the break up, not depend on others to help you move on!

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