jen16 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 This is about to get complicated, but I would appreciate any input. I am a 21 year old college student and have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. I met him my freshman year, and we rushed into getting into a relationship. It wasn't my best move ever, but I really love him. Unfortunately, after a year of being together, my parents decided (after learning I had slept with him) that he was no good for me. They decided that he wasn't from an educated background and would only pull me down by either getting me pregnant or convincing me not to follow my dreams. They told me I had to break up with him or they would stop paying for my college expenses. I have a lot of scholarships, but not enough to cover everything and I couldn't get loans to cover it because of my age. In addition, I plan to pursue a doctorate in molecular cell biology and don't want debt hanging over my head as I decide where to further my education. So I did it. I hated myself for letting them push me around, but I was raised in a manner that allows my parents to feel as though they have dominion over me until I am married. My mother has told me that they are responsible for me until I marry. (But she also wants me to be independent and highly educated, so I'm not sure which it is.) Long story short, it didn't last and we ended up getting back together within a month. There were problems in the relationship, but I was learning to communicate what I wanted and he was learning to listen. But because of the threat my parents made, we have kept our relationship a secret. Now, I am facing the last year of my schooling and then graduate school. We decided a long time ago that when it came time to make choices about where we would go, I would go where I needed to in order to better my career and he would follow if he chose to. (I have much better grades than him and he is completely content to follow me. I've always felt that since I worked harder for my education, I didn't want to limit myself because traditional gender roles dictate a woman follows a man. Just because I have boobs doesn't mean anything! Now, he is saying that he doesn't want to move somewhere only to have me decide I don't want to lose my family and dump him. And I completely understand that! He still is 100% happy to let me direct wherever we go, but doesn't want to get the shaft. Basically, if we move out to an area together, it will be with the express purpose of getting married soon (as we won't live together). I love this man. He is my partner, my best friend, and the one person I've met that I can be truly open with. I don't want to break up. But I don't want to blow a hole in my family. Should I continue and hope they forgive? Or am I being naive? I still have time (two semesters left for me, three for him) to contemplate. We are currently long distance as he is completing an internship and it's really hard, but I think that we still have a strong relationship. I don't want to walk away from something now or in the future that doesn't feel over, but I love my family too. Any thoughts would be gladly appreciated! Link to comment
jimthzz Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Finish school, two or three semesters versus a lifetime? Your life will be enhanced by finishing what you started with college. Your romance may or may not survive this secretive phase., but an advanced degree will. One day you will not be under anyone's thumb. Link to comment
jen16 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Maybe I was a bit confusing. I meant that I would tell AFTER I am completely out of their house and am in grad school. I'm definitely not considering telling them before we are 100% certain this relationship is going to be a forever thing and want to get engaged. I just wanted to know if in people's experience or (much wiser) opinion, do I have to choose between the two? Do you think my family will just forget I exist or is there a chance they will forgive me for getting back with him. (granted, I won't tell them it was anytime earlier than this semester. As in, "We got together my spring of junior year and carried on in secret until after graduation when I knew it was serious because I didn't want to risk the fall out if it wasn't going to last." Sorry if I was vague. Link to comment
alli Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I can see why he wouldn't want to follow you & alter or restrict his career only for you to dump him. But you have been together for 3 years. After that much time together he really has that little confidence in the strength of your relationship? Also, getting married soon in order to ease his concerns is not a good reason to get married. I think some people have children for the same reason- to feel some sort of guarantee that their partner will somehow be in their lives forever. Not a good idea. And it's no guarantee anyway. You can get divorced just as you can get married. I'm sure your parents will feel deceived when they find out you were together all this time. I can see why they would be concerned for your future if you are serious about someone while in the process of pursuing your education. But to put the stipulation on it that they will only financially assist you if you dump him seems crazy to me & counterintuitive to promoting an adult child's independence. At the same time, it doesn't seem right that you deceived them this whole time in order to get them to continue paying for your education either. If you do end up staying together with him I don't think you will ultimately have to choose between him and your family. I would think they would forgive you. It would be decent of you to take care of your own educational expenses from now on and perhaps reimburse them once you start working for the financial assistance they did provide to you while you were dating him when you told them you weren't. I think 21 is young to be considering marriage soon. It works for some people, but for many people it doesn't. The choice is ultimately yours, but also take into consideration the point your parents were trying to make. It is hard to be in a relationship where you are doing the majority of the work & the other person is basically along for the ride. You will never find a relationship where each person is exactly equal in their motivation and education level. But you sound like a very goal-oriented person and he doesn't seem to have any aspirations other than following you. I had a relationship like that. It worked for a while but it didn't work forever. Link to comment
alli Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 "We got together my spring of junior year and carried on in secret until after graduation when I knew it was serious because I didn't want to risk the fall out if it wasn't going to last." They won't buy that for a second. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 They aren't stupid and I don't think you can keep it a secret for a few more years. Your bf sounds uncertain about following you so I would say it is best to follow your path and see where he is when you finish grad school. Link to comment
jen16 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 that gives me food for thought. I am very goal-oriented, and while he absolutely loves his career in materials engineering, he would move to a company that wasn't his first choice so that we could be together and I could go to a better grad school. He has goals for working in a specific field of research and development of materials engineering and wants to get his master's, but wants to wait a couple years to make some cold hard cash. It just bothers me that I can't say that I would be willing to walk away from my family for him. And I certainly don't want to get married now!!! It would be more like 1-2 years into grad school at the earliest. For instance, this summer, I got into a very prestigious research program at one of the top schools in the nation. That means that it would be easier for me to get into there next year. However, it is in a city that BF went to and did not like (5 years ago). However, because he doesn't want to "limit my school choice" (his words), he said he would go there with an open mind if that was what I wanted. So this is the attitude he's adopted toward grad school. Also, the plan is if it gets far enough to tell my family, NOT to tell them we've been together this entire time, just since end of junior/beginning of junior year. I will never tell them the whole truth because I feel as though before that time, it wasn't as serious because of our age and therefore they really didn't need to know. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 The reason you won't tell them the whole truth is because you didn't want to lose their $$. When they find out you are together...regardless of when you false restart...they will hate him more and blame the deception on him. Link to comment
jen16 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 The reason you won't tell them the whole truth is because you didn't want to lose their $$. When they find out you are together...regardless of when you false restart...they will hate him more and blame the deception on him. I would hope they would blame the deception on me if they aren't stupid (as has been mentioned multiple times). My question has nothing to do with money. I wouldn't tell them if I had this boyfriend or 15 other ones. I will not bring a relationship into my family until I am ready to stand by it as something that I am certain is serious. Now is not that time, because I feel that people change a lot after they graduate college and who knows, I could meet someone else, or he could, or we could grow apart. If you read my original question, it had to do with my family possibly not being willing to give him a second chance and them disowning me. The way you put it, you make it seem as though the driving force in this situation is money, and it's actually offensive. I love my family and did not once consider their monetary contributions in penning this post. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I think that you may be overlooking things about this guy in some ways because you have a secret relationship with him. Because your parents, family, and friends from back home who could tell your family don't know about him, he misses some part of the vetting process of you choosing a mate. There are things that I might have permitted in some one who I wouldn't have permitted if he was someone that would need to mix okay with my extended family, etc. You also begin to notice a lot about how they treat you in front of family, etc. Also, there are guys attracted to women who can't really commit to them. I think you are too young to make a marriage decision and must choose between breaking off your relationship with him (and if you both happen to be available down the road, etc, fine....) and cut him out, or you must be honest with your parents and risk them withdrawing financial support and taking longer to go to school because you need to work your way through school. There is no option of a full, fulfilling secret relationship plus a free ride. If your parents find out that you have betrayed them and you keep it up through the rest of your school, you will have lost their trust completely. If you want to make an adult decision, basically, then you need to take on the adult consequences of such. There are a lot of couples that end up breaking up naturally after college just because life takes a different path. I would really, really take a cold honest look at this young man and see if he really is the one for you and worth the risk. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 You are treating this as a serious relationship because you are willing to risk your relationship with your folks over it. You are standing up by it now by continuing to date him. If you didn't treat this as serious, you would be going on proper dates with a number of young men and not getting serious and concentrating on studies and just making friends, or not dating at all. If the boyfriend and you really did part ways and then you ran into eachother well after college, both in your careers, it may be "young stupidity" that your parents could forgive if he appears honorable the second time around and treated you well. They may be disappointed if he made less money than you, but if he charmed them with the way he treated you, his manners, etc, he might have a shot. But if you hid the relationship all this time, they are unlikely to give him a second chance.It could take years for them to come around. And YES, they will blame his influence because you are their daughter who they think knows the right path. He is not their son. Link to comment
kamurj Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Multiple accounts are not allowed, thread closed. Link to comment
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