Wondering if my marriage is done? Why can't I trust my wife?

[manicswales]

Hi there,

 

My world has recently come crashing down and I don't know where to turn. Let's start at the beginning.

Me and my wife met in 2004 aged 18. We quickly realised we made a great pair even though for our first 3 months she was still in love with someone else. She was my first and allowed me time to get used to her, sex didn't work for 3 weeks and she admits she would normally have dumped me and can't tell me what was different and why she stayed.

 

She first broke my heart in 2006, broke up with me for the simple reason she felt bad that she was about to go and meet another man for sex. I was devastated and intent on winning her back. two weeks later she came back crying that she loved me and I let her in. The damage never went away.

Things were ok until 2008. What seemed a genuinely innocent catch up with an old friend(that I encouraged) turned into a kiss and an exchange of emails. The last advising when I would be in work if he wanted to 'come visit'. This was 3 months before we were about to marry. This was the first time I ever accessed any of her things. I called her out and she told me it was stupid and that she had put it to bed before I had found out. I didn't believe it. Anyway I was glad to have her back and we married in 2009.

 

6 months later I found out she had kissed one of my best friends after I found fantasy letters she had written with his name all over them. I had enough and wanted to divorce. The day we went to talk about it she had come back from the doctors after feeling unwell and found out she was pregnant. We quickly forgot about the divorce and proceeded to live our lives as a happy pregnant couple but I never forgot this. It took me a few weeks to stop checking up on her but eventually it went. By 2011 we were expecting our second child but things were awful between us and I wanted out. On a stag do in Poland I made this biggest mistake of my life and tried to have sex with a hooker. It failed miserably and the thought of having a heavily pregnant wife at home with a one year old instantly made me regret having gone there. When I returned, as luck would have it, my wife became the most loving wife in the world. It felt like a switch had been flicked and I was a coward, I refused to tell her what I had done and kept it a secret for 3 and a half years.

 

Everything had plodded along but I have suffered with depression since 2011 which I attribute to keeping this shameful secret. We both spiralled in weight and lived an unhappy life. I quit my job for a new one in November 2014 to try to feel better but my new job fell through leaving us unemployed. During this time my wife fell ill, she couldn't eat and later told me she feared she was dying at 28/29. She lost 4 stones in 6 months before getting better. The night before our anniversary this year, she answered an advert on gumtree for someone with a spare ticket to a cabaret show. She knew I would be unhappy de to safety so lied to me about going with a friend. On our anniversary I called her on it, she denied it all before eventually confessing. She said it was innocent and nothing happened and I believed her. But I felt betrayed. After this we started making love again, like rabbits. getting better and closer and talking more. That was until I went away for a rugby weekend and she had an exchange of sexy text messages with a random stranger. She confessed instantly on my return but my trust issues were in full flow. She had recently started a new hobby, life drawing, which I encouraged but now I was scared she was capable of ruining our marriage. I checked on her for a while and reacted badly to her apologies.

 

It all came to a head when she told me about her fears of dying and went through her funeral plans with me, something we never discussed in 11 years. This scared me to my wits and the thought of losing her was gut-wrenching. She then confessed to me that in 2009 with my friend there was more than a kiss, an attempt at oral sex which was over before it started. My initial reaction was rage. I felt that had I known I may have chosen to leave her 5/6 years earlier even though she was pregnant. I didn't know but that choice was taken away from me. My next thought was instant, how could you be angry with her when you had kept a secret for 3 and a half years so I confessed. Initially she took it well, too well. We started making plans for our future and I had two jobs lined up. We had discussed getting active and I had lost 2 stones in 9 weeks.

 

Unfortunately she wasn't handling it well and 3 weeks ago she stayed out after her course to go dancing. This resulted in a sexual encounter with a much older man in the back of his van, the man who runs her course no less. No penetration but most of the rest. I knew something was up and flew off the handle. She confessed, I told her I wanted a divorce and she begged me to stay, stating it was a massive mistake. We tried to work on things and took the kids away but I made a big mistake. I checked all her records and told her what I had found. She instantly felt invaded and tension grew. All the while we continued to have sex. I agreed she could go back to life drawing as it was her turn to model, even though I felt really awkward. 3 hours before she went we had been intimate and she took our boy to nursery. I heard her phone ring and went to answer it. As I pulled it out, along came an A4 paper filled with questions for her one time lover. Why choose me? My husband made me wash your smell off my clothes(which I didn't). What made it worse was that this letter had been written in the early hours of that morning. She said it was just to get all the 'schoolgirl crush' thoughts out and she would never have given it to him.

 

I didn't believe her and kept finding things. She said she needed time last Thursday(12th) and that she wanted to go away on a solar eclipse trip this Thursday(19th). It was being organised by the life drawing guy but she told me that was just a coincidence. Anyway I had gone into super spy mode, not believing her that it was a one off and she wanted to save our marriage. I bombarded her daily with questions and then she found out I was checking on her on Wednesday(18th). On the Thursday I had sought advice online and decided I had to try to trust her and try to mend things. she was generally honest quickly when she did things and I needed her in my life. Just before she went her tent fell over and I discovered 12 condoms. I had a vasectomy in 2014 so I know they weren't for me. We rowed, she said that she made an impulse decision on safety grounds but never intended on using any of them. She went, leaving me with our two boys and me in full rage mode.

 

I then drained our bank account online and shouted abuse at her by text when she took money out putting us into overdraft. I had only found out when I returned to put the money back after calming down. I filled out divorce papers in my rage and went to bed secretly hoping she would text and tell me she loved me. At 2am she did. Instaed of saying what I wanted to say which was 'I love you too, I think we need to work on things and cant wait to see you' I accused her of having sex and told her by text to expect divorce papers. She tells me at that point she was physically sick with gut wrenching pain. The next day still enraged, I changed the locks. big mistake.

 

When she came home I gave her the papers, she said she thought we could still work on things and I disagreed. I took my children out so she could rest and when I came home it all fell apart. She said on receiving the divorce papers(which I haven't filed, just a copy) she was ok with it and didn't feel the need to fight like she had imagined. I had been nasty and flown off the wall because I can't handle being cheated on but it's about to cost me my marriage. She now wants a trial separation for three weeks initially and with the flick of a switch no longer wants my hugs, touches or empathy. I am in absolute pieces and I'm struggling so much to hear positive stories about separation. I feel that what had initially been her mistake has now blown up in my face. I don't want to lose my wife, my best friend and my lover, the mother of my children. I don't know how to stay strong and I fear the time apart will allow her so much freedom that she will not need me in her life.

 

Thanks for listening, just getting this off my chest will help i'm sure.

[Hollyj]

This relationship has been toxic from the beginning. It should have ended after the first incident.

 

Why does all of this drama and dysfunction feel so comfortable for you? Did you grow up in this environment?

 

Get divorced, and get counseling - not couples counseling . You need to understand why you would place you and your kids through this mess.

 

I will not even start about how unhealthy this marriage is for your kids.

[manicswales]

Hi hollyj

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I never really felt the dysfunction. I always had the opinion that human beings make mistakes and should be forgiven. Unfortunately I struggle to forget. I grew up with a single mother with a much younger brother from a different father. I love my wife and I made a huge mistake. I struggle to understand some of her choices but I feel 90% of the time she is a wonderful person. My kids have not suffered during our marriage one bit but they have in the last month. Even at 4 &3 they can sense something is not right.

[Hollyj]

Maniac, she is a serial cheat. There is something wrong with her character and value system: she cannot be faithful to you. Wasn't your title about trust?

 

If you don't think this type of dysfunction is destructive for the kids, you are very wrong.

 

It's scary that you think that this is normal behavior.

[ThatwasThen]

Hi hollyj

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I never really felt the dysfunction. I always had the opinion that human beings make mistakes and should be forgiven.

Yes but they need to learn from said mistakes, not keep making the same one's over and over. You are so totally in a codependent relationship that its scary thinking what you're children must be listening to as you two have a go at one another.

 

I love my wife

What you describe is so far from "love" that it's impossible to even get a glimpse of what that word/feeling actually means. You are addicted to your wife being in your life and you are obsessed with keeping her there. Besides, even if it was "love" in the true sense of the word, it takes much, much more then simple love to keep a relationship happy, functioning and humming along nicely in a healthy manner. Love is NEVER enough.

 

and I made a huge mistake. I struggle to understand some of her choices but I feel 90% of the time she is a wonderful person.

She has issues with maintaining monogamy. That is clear and you'd do well to just let her go and get on with it. Without therapy, it's highly unlikely that she's all of a sudden going to be satisfied with monogamy.

 

My kids have not suffered during our marriage one bit but they have in the last month. Even at 4 &3 they can sense something is not right.

I'm sorry but you're in denial if you think that they have not been affected by how the two of you have related all of their entire life.

 

I really suggest that you get the help of a therapist proficient in the dynamic of codependency so that you can work past your own issues while remaining separated from you wife. While you're doing that seek the advise of a lawyer because I'm pretty sure that locking her out of the marital home and keeping her from joint assets won't go over well in divorce court... which is where you should be headed since I don't see her getting the help she needs any time soon. Her leaving the marital home and her children with you (if that is what she has done, could be construed as abandonment of them in most places as well) Where are your children now?

 

Work on YOU and forget a life with her right now.

[mhowe]

Serial infidelity is not "a few mistakes". It is a massive character flaw.

 

I hope you get custody of your kids because they don't need to see a parade of men into Mommy's bedroom when you no longer live together. What mother has sex in the back of a van after class?

[indea08]

Your sons deserve better than this. You both are teaching them that this is what life/love is like. How sad for them.

[catfeeder]

Why can't I trust my wife?

 

When could you, ever?

[bulletproof]

...I fear the time apart will allow her so much freedom that she will not need me in her life.

 

 

The time apart means nothing. She didn't need you before, apparently, because she did everything possible to not only jeopardize your marriage, but also to let you find out about it (all this stuff written down, etc.).

 

In my opinion, you both need serious counseling, and to realize that the two of you being together is absolutely toxic for your kids.

[Unreasonable]

I think separations due to infidelity is a waste. Be prepared for her to come back with STDs. Separations because you're not getting along? Maybe. Infidelity, no.

 

As to why you can't trust her? All of the above man. Having sex with old men in the back of their van is totally desperate.

 

9/10 times I recommend couple's counselling. In this case, I doubt it will help, and I don't think she's gonna change. It's just part of her character.