Dating a commitmentphobe

[lymphocyte]

After reading the super-long post about commitmentphobes, I'm not sure where to go from here;

 

I met a guy I'm interested in dating (or possibly pursuing a relationship with), though when we went out for a few drinks the other night, he mentioned that he was a bit 'scared' of commitment.

 

I don't know him well enough to know what extent his fears go, and I'm also confused as to whether or not it would be worth trying to pursue this. Would it be stupid of me to keep in contact with him/ go on a few dates?

[RKO]

I'd advise you to to leave him straight away. You won't change him

[happpybear]

He's telling you who he is.

 

Did he give any reasons why he is scared?

[Batya33]

I'm wary of people who say things that sabotage a potentially good thing. Perhaps you can tell him - thanks for being honest -I am looking for a potentially serious relationship. Did he already know that when he said that to you?

[lymphocyte]

He said that he thinks he won't be able to do the things he already does if he's in a relationship.

 

And he wasn't aware that I am looking for something serious when he mentioned it.

[snf23]

Please get out of this as soon as you can. I dated a guy like this for several months and after a lot of back and forth and him being hot and cold, he eventually ended it leaving me heartbroken. I ignored all the warning signs and even straight up things he would say, trying to convince myself I would be different. Find someone who wants what you want and save yourself some potential pain.

[LoveSoDeep]

Honestly I think we all are a bit scared of commitment....so it really depends on what that means and what the context was. However, I have found if a man isn't looking for commitment and says anything negative about it...you should listen and take note.

 

What are your current goals, you said "I'm interested in dating (or possibly pursuing a relationship with)" if all you're looking for is dating (for now and maybe more later) why not give him a bit more time to explain that comment?

[LoveSoDeep]

He said that he thinks he won't be able to do the things he already does if he's in a relationship.

 

And he wasn't aware that I am looking for something serious when he mentioned it.

 

Oh, this changes things.

 

If you're looking for serious that's different. He's afraid of losing his independence.....either he has had a bad relationship in the past where that happened to him or he's seen it 2nd hand. it doesn't have to be that way though. Still the chance that you are going to be the one to convince him are slim.

[boltnrun]

I always translate "I'm scared of commitment" to "I don't want to commit because I'm scared if I do, something better will come along and I'll miss out".

 

I wouldn't waste my time.

[lymphocyte]

Well I think my confusion stems from the fact that he never said he didn't want commitment, he just said that it scared him a bit for the reasons I mentioned.

 

I would definitely like to go on a few more dates with him (it's too early to say for sure if I would consider pursuing a relationship), but I'm also worried about spending too much time and energy on something that's going to leave me in shatters.

[annie24]

If you are looking for a relationship, I would look elsewhere. Hang out with this guy casually, but I think he's being clear about his intentions (or lack of them). IMHO.

[Batya33]

He said that he thinks he won't be able to do the things he already does if he's in a relationship.

 

And he wasn't aware that I am looking for something serious when he mentioned it.

 

I think he's either being truthful generally or he doesn't see potential with you so he's trying to scare you away without having to be direct about his lack of interest. I'd avoid seeing him again or maybe have one direct conversation so he knows where you stand.

 

I seriously dated a man who told me on the first date that he wasn't sure he saw himself getting married and if he did 30 would be the earliest he would. I was 23, he was 22 so I let that go (and I was not yet looking for anything serious having just ended something serious). We became very serious and he even proposed when he was in his mid 20s. I knew something was off because he was hot/cold. He did get married, in his early 40s and to a man. That explained a lot about his fears back then (no he didn't know at the time).

[happpybear]

Then date him casually to investigate further--no sex, and date others too. Keep it forefront in your mind that this guy is not a sure thing because he essentially told you that and you can't give in to the fantasy that you might be the one to change him. Tell him your goals, and watch his actions. Be ready to cut it off if things are not going anywhere or he hesitates etc.

[LoveSoDeep]

Then date him casually to investigate further--no sex, and date others too. Keep it forefront in your mind that this guy is not a sure thing because he essentially told you that and you can't give in to the fantasy that you might be the one to change him. Tell him your goals, and watch his actions. Be ready to cut it off if things are not going anywhere or he hesitates etc.

 

^^^ Yep! Totally agree....go ahead and continue to see him if you're curious...but don't put all your eggs in one basket at this point...you're already been warned this basket may not hold up in the long run.

[lymphocyte]

Thanks for the advice guys! It's essentially what my friends have told me (I was just looking for more experienced opinions). I've already learnt my lesson about getting my hopes up, so I certainly won't be doing that.

 

I also thought it would be a good idea to wait for him to get in contact with me (or is that just childish?)

[reinventmyself]

He said that he thinks he won't be able to do the things he already does if he's in a relationship.

 

And he wasn't aware that I am looking for something serious when he mentioned it.

 

Hold on a moment. . I could say these very things, yet I want a commitment. It scares me as well and I don't have a lot of free time so I am always concerned that I won't have enough time to do the things I want to do.

 

It doesn't stop me from dating and pursuing relationships. . however it does make me more selective.

[LoveSoDeep]

Thanks for the advice guys! It's essentially what my friends have told me (I was just looking for more experienced opinions). I've already learnt my lesson about getting my hopes up, so I certainly won't be doing that.

 

I also thought it would be a good idea to wait for him to get in contact with me (or is that just childish?)

 

Hold on a moment. . I could say these very things, yet I want a commitment. It scares me as well and I don't have a lot of free time so I am always concerned that I won't have enough time to do the things I want to do.

 

It doesn't stop me from dating and pursuing relationships. . however it does make me more selective.

 

Well putting these two together I think it's fine to wait for him to contact you. If he is scared but still okay with commitment but being very selective (reinvent pointed out) and he has selected you....you'll know it.

[lymphocyte]

Hold on a moment. . I could say these very things, yet I want a commitment. It scares me as well and I don't have a lot of free time so I am always concerned that I won't have enough time to do the things I want to do.

 

It doesn't stop me from dating and pursuing relationships. . however it does make me more selective.

 

That's the exact reason why I'm here. As he never specifically said he didn't want a commitment, it means that comment could potentially go either way. Either he does but he is scared/wary, or he flat out just wants a booty call. I just don't want to invest all this time into him if he doesn't want a relationship.

[annie24]

That's the exact reason why I'm here. As he never specifically said he didn't want a commitment, it means that comment could potentially go either way. Either he does but he is scared/wary, or he flat out just wants a booty call. I just don't want to invest all this time into him if he doesn't want a relationship.

 

I don't think he wants a relationship. "I'm scared of commitment" basically means "I don't want a commitment." Don't try to dissect too much what he's saying.

[janut1]

I agree with all of this. I also dated a man for about 3 months. He told me twice that he wasn't sure about a serious relationship. He texted me every day and showed some commitment and would not like it if I didn't respond, I kept thinking that meant he liked me. But I learned it meant nothing. He went dark on me about 1 month ago and I realize now that I should of listen to what he said. He would say.. Not sure about a serious relationship, scared to get hurt, wants to take it slow. Should of ran the first time he said this to me.

 

The good news is. I listen carefully now. If they say any these things to me, Im out.

[reinventmyself]

I agree with all of this. I also dated a man for about 3 months. He told me twice that he wasn't sure about a serious relationship. He texted me every day and showed some commitment and would not like it if I didn't respond, I kept thinking that meant he liked me. But I learned it meant nothing. He went dark on me about 1 month ago and I realize now that I should of listen to what he said. He would say.. Not sure about a serious relationship, scared to get hurt, wants to take it slow. Should of ran the first time he said this to me.

 

The good news is. I listen carefully now. If they say any these things to me, Im out.

 

Confusing huh? Same here. Dated a man who said he wasn't looking for a relationship yet he kept pursuing me and was very sweet and attentive. I tried dating him and keeping my head screwed on straight. . But when I sensed I was become part of his rotation with another woman I bugged out. Not until after I fell for him though. Didn't stop me from leaving when I knew it was time.

He was right. . But his actions confused me.

Lesson learned.

[Ronniesgirl]

After reading the super-long post about commitmentphobes, I'm not sure where to go from here;

 

I met a guy I'm interested in dating (or possibly pursuing a relationship with), though when we went out for a few drinks the other night, he mentioned that he was a bit 'scared' of commitment.

 

I don't know him well enough to know what extent his fears go, and I'm also confused as to whether or not it would be worth trying to pursue this. Would it be stupid of me to keep in contact with him/ go on a few dates?

____________________________________________

 

No-one, neither man nor woman, is ever 'scared of commitment' to the RIGHT person, at the RIGHT time. If someone I started dating told me he was 'scared of commitment' I would interpret it as him saying 'I don't particularly want anything serious with you at this point in my life'. That's what 'scared of commitment' really means. There's no such thing, there's just the wrong person, wrong time or both. Imho and (considerable) experience, the whole concept of 'commitment-phobe' was invented in place of 'man who is not interested in a serious r-ship with a woman he's dating'.

[Sportster2005]

After reading the super-long post about commitmentphobes, I'm not sure where to go from here;

 

I met a guy I'm interested in dating (or possibly pursuing a relationship with), though when we went out for a few drinks the other night, he mentioned that he was a bit 'scared' of commitment.

 

I don't know him well enough to know what extent his fears go, and I'm also confused as to whether or not it would be worth trying to pursue this. Would it be stupid of me to keep in contact with him/ go on a few dates?

 

I didn't read the long post. I think 'commitment' is something people analyze and jaw on and on and on about. It's incredibly simple. It's one of two things. When they say they don't want/like commitment what they really mean is they don't want a commitment with you. The other thing is they are pretty much telling you they are not emotionally available. Who cares about the reason. Avoid commitmentphobes if you are looking for a relaionship.

 

This guy is basically trying to have his cake and eat it too. He gets to fool around and keep you interested. And if you get serious he can play the "told you I was scared" card. Playing scared is an excellent way to manipulate and string people along.

[Sportster2005]

Confusing huh? Same here. Dated a man who said he wasn't looking for a relationship yet he kept pursuing me and was very sweet and attentive. I tried dating him and keeping my head screwed on straight. . But when I sensed I was become part of his rotation with another woman I bugged out. Not until after I fell for him though. Didn't stop me from leaving when I knew it was time.

He was right. . But his actions confused me.

Lesson learned.

 

Normally people's behaviour tell you more about them then what they say. The exception is when they say they aren't interested or not ready. In this circumstance, take them on their word, and move on.

[relevart]

I met a guy I'm interested in dating (or possibly pursuing a relationship with), though when we went out for a few drinks the other night, he mentioned that he was a bit 'scared' of commitment.

 

Anyone tells you this, it's best to scratch them off the list of candidates. He's telling you the truth. Listen to him. A drink here and there might be fine, but he's probably not up for much more.