Dating a commitmentphobe

[chickadeedee]

>>He said that he thinks he won't be able to do the things he already does if he's in a relationship.

 

This is his get out of jail free card. The second he tells you that he has trouble with commitment and is not sure he wants a serious relationship, it means he can do anything he wants (bang multiple women, disappear if he gets bored, owe you nothing, promise you nothing) because he's warned you that is what he does.

 

It's like a warning on a pack of cigarettes: use at your own risk with full awareness of the danger and bad things that go alone with indulging in him.

 

There is a famous proverb that goes: 'A frog meets a scorpion on the side of the river. The frog wants to cross to the other side. The scorpion tells the frog, I can take you accross the river. The frog says, but will you promise not to sting me and the scorpion says, of course. So the frog climbs on and they start accross the river. they get to the other side, and the scorpion stings the frog. As the frog lays dying it asks, why, why did you sting me when you said you promised you wouldn't. and the scorpion says, well, you knew i was a scorpion, and that is what scorpions do.'

 

So he's warned you he's a scorpion so to speak. He may promise he'll try not to hurt you, but he's a commitmentphobe and they are pretty predictable in terms of the damage they do to people who fall in love with them. Commitmentphobes value their freedom higher than they do other people, and usually have a series of relationships, where they enjoy the initial stages with all the romance and excitement, but they wander off if they get bored or they spy some exciting new woman to chase or you decide you want to settle down and have a family and babies then they bolt. Or they just like to chase multiple people at the same time and don't want the obligations of a serious relationship or monogamy.

 

Dating a commitmentphobe when you want a serious relationship is like trying to turn a cat into a dog. He's a cat, and you want a dog. So you're better off looking for a man who does have the same goals as you do (normal relationship that could lead to commitment) rather than running the risks and wasting your time and heart on someone who's already admitted he doesn't want the same things you do.

[chickadeedee]

btw, it is never 'fear' or 'being scared' that is the problem. That's a line that hooks you in, as in 'i'll cure him of that fear by showing him how great a commitment to me will be.'

 

but that is based on a false premise because he's not 'scared,' he making a choice for himself, and his choice is that he prefers being free and unfettered by commitment so that he can do his own thing and not have to answer to you.

 

So don't fall for that 'i'm scared' routine. That is just the hook to draw you in and make you sympathetic and all motherly wanting to cure him of this, when the reality is he has just told you he intends to bang anybody he pleases and bolt when he's in the mood and you're supposed to think that is OK and just accept that from him because he's announced he's 'scared'. He's not a timid little woodland creature with you standing over him with an ax when all you're asking is to date him normally!

 

He not scared, he's just not interested in the responsibilities and obligations of a relationship so he is trying to cherry pick the things he wants from you while not having to provide you with what you want back. Nothing at all to do with fear.

 

When anyone announces something like this, how you need to translate it is as FWB. He just wants to be FWB, but most men know if they announce they only want FWB, most women won't sign up for that at all. So they are really only offering FWB when they announce this kind of thing. But they are hoping you'll sign up for it by couching it in prettier terms than 'i want to bang you with no obligations whatsoever and to come and go as i please with no promise of monogamy or anything at all.' So he wants a FWB. If you don't want that, don't sign up for this.

[chickadeedee]

i think most people have had an experience with someone like this, and most would tell you not to do it.

 

i dated a guy who said this kind of thing, and had dated a long string of women. and he broke my heart as well of course because i was stupid enough to think our love would be so special he'd stick around.

 

He eventually did get married, and very easily after leaving a string of broken hearts behind him when he found a woman who was wealthy and had family money. So his 'fear' all along was that he was shopping for the exact woman he wanted, a wealthy woman who could give him the lifestyle and all the creature comforts he wanted, and he wouldn't settle for less, though he would dally with women until he could find and land himself a Mrs. Moneybags. And he was at the altar with her as fast as a bolt of lightning when he met her! And even more telling, even after his marriage he was still trying to drum up women on the side to cheat with him because he didn't really love his wife but he loved all that lovely money that came along with marrying her!

 

So WHY people commit (or don't) can be as varied as the stars. But if one tells you he has an issue with it, odds are very good he's already rated you and decided you're not 'commitment' material for him. He'll use you for a while for fun, sex, and companionship, but he has no intention of taking it further.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree.....but it's also about age. Not sure how old the OP is or this guy.

 

Honestly, at 25 it's absolutely fine to be scared of commitment or not be interested in the responsibilities which ever way you want to see it. I think people grow and learn and at that age you just haven't experienced enough to know commitment isn't all that scary. Some guys in their later 20s or early 30s may say they are still afraid but I think they are learning and may be on their way to being okay with commitment. At this point it's important to listen to what they say....if they hate labels and seem to want to date around....NEXT...but if they just muse about marriage as if they are one the fence...well be warned but it could turn out fine....or better than fine. Guys who are mid 30s and older who say this...yeah they are never going to be okay with commitment if they haven;t figured out by now it's going to be a while and any woman who wants a lasting relationship should avoid this group.

[chickadeedee]

^^

Well, i think a 25 year old woman who is looking to get married should also avoid men who say something like this, because he has just told her he doesn't want a serious relationship and that is what she is in the market for. Maybe he'll want it in another 10 years, but if she doesn't want to wait 10 years to marry, it's just wasting her time and not meeting her own goals to get involved with a guy who says he is scared of commitment. That's a not so subtle way of saying she shouldn't take the relationship seriously because he most likely won't stick around.

 

i also think that a guy who was really into her and the idea of dating her serously would never say such a thing. That is like going on a job interview and saying, 'I'm not sure I really want this job and may not stay very long.' You don't say that unless you are already pretty sure you don't want to take the job or are not going to take it. You'd never say that if it is a job you are really interested in because you don't want to discourage the opportunity of an offer.

[Sportster2005]

I really think you are hitting home runs with your posts. We have to accept when people hesitate or aren't 'ready' we have to be resolute and not involve ourselves in any way. Most of the pain and anguish that comes are way is caused by thinking we can wait it out, or be so awesome the person will see what they are missing and come around and reciprocate. It's a sad fact of life, but it almost never happens, if it happens at all. I wish I could have back all that time I spent chasing the one that "wasn't sure, but stick around just in case". The simple reality is, when we meet someone who is serious and really into us, it happens easily with not complications.

[Rosti87]

OP,

 

He sounds like he is exercising his options. You are probably not on the top of his list of options. When he finds the woman for him he will not be 'scared.' Trust me.

[browneyedgirl36]

I really think you are hitting home runs with your posts. We have to accept when people hesitate or aren't 'ready' we have to be resolute and not involve ourselves in any way. Most of the pain and anguish that comes are way is caused by thinking we can wait it out, or be so awesome the person will see what they are missing and come around and reciprocate. It's a sad fact of life, but it almost never happens, if it happens at all. I wish I could have back all that time I spent chasing the one that "wasn't sure, but stick around just in case". The simple reality is, when we meet someone who is serious and really into us, it happens easily with not complications.

 

Yep -- I spent 5 years waiting around for the one who "wasn't ready," thinking that if he could just see how awesome I was, and how much I loved him, he'd stick around. Nope. Steer clear of anyone who says he or she has a "fear" and/or acts unsure about you.

[itsallgrand]

That is not the kind of thing you say on a date/meet/drinks if you are hoping to leave open the potential to get serious with that person IMO.

 

It's different if this is a buddy who you were having drinks with. Was this clearly a date you went on or 'just hanging out'?!

[lymphocyte]

Thanks for all the replies, guys.

 

In all honesty, I;m not sure if it would be considered a date. We had a fair few drinks, and were both rather drunk when he bought this up. It wasn't something he elaborated on; just something he said in passing. I met him through a mutual friend so regardless, I'll probably end up seeing a fair bit of him.