Nervous and paranoid ... is this normal?

[Redabc123]

Good Morning everyone,

 

About a month in half ago I met this great guy, so great that it makes me nervous on a daily basis that something bad will happen because of the failed relationships I have had in the past. I can't seem to shake it even though nothing wrong. Everything seems to be going smooth. We have talked briefly about relationships and how we feel but I don't want to push the issue so I don't bring it up. Im not sure if I should. I am almost preparing myself for something bad to happen so Ill look for things.. is this crazy?! should I be concerned?

 

Here is some background:

 

We have been on 8 dates, all initiated by him. We speak everyday. We have slept together after the 6th date and it was amazing ( which was something we both agreed on, and I hadn't had sex in 2 yrs ). We agreed to date exclusively after the 4th date.He hasn't asked me to be his G/F , Im not sure if its too soon. He has been married before, divorced for 2 years and also has kids. I am very attracted to him. This is the most have liked someone in years from the 1st date. I have met his friends and his dad.

 

Can anyone give advice?

 

Thank you

[mhowe]

Not sure of your age --- but "asking to be his gf" is something teenagers do....not adults.

 

What "issue" do you want to push?

 

You have agreed to date exclusively, so you are on the same page.

[Redabc123]

Not sure of your age --- but "asking to be his gf" is something teenagers do....not adults.

 

What "issue" do you want to push?

 

You have agreed to date exclusively, so you are on the same page.

 

Im 29 and he is 33. I haven't been in a relationship in 3 years so Im really rusty. With all the dating I have been doing for years I normally don't get past the 4th date.

 

Talking about being a relationship but Im not sure if its too soon. I have met is dad and friends and he just introduces me by my name no title so Im assuming we still just dating.

[mhowe]

You are "just dating". It's been a month and a half.

 

You don't go from 0 to 60 in a month. You date --- and get to know each other. It will come in time, if it is going to.

[Antago]

You want a partner, you're hoping it's him—you're afraid it's not. He slept with you on the 6th date, and you allowed it ... You have some serious investment in something that hasn't been vowed to be eternal. Paranoia is normal

[Redabc123]

You want a partner, you're hoping it's him—you're afraid it's not. He slept with you on the 6th date, and you allowed it ... You have some serious investment in something that hasn't been vowed to be eternal. Paranoia is normal

 

We both wanted to sleep together it wasn't just his decision, we made it together

[relevart]

They call it the past for a reason. Let it go. Live in the moment. Have fun with this guy. Don't place too much emphasis yet on the future. Let what may happen, happen. Don't push things.

 

But mostly don't let your past which he was no part of dictate your present with him.

[Redabc123]

You are "just dating". It's been a month and a half.

 

You don't go from 0 to 60 in a month. You date --- and get to know each other. It will come in time, if it is going to.

 

Thank you, Is it normal to put a time stamp on a relationship ? Should we be talking about it?

[Ronniesgirl]

Not sure of your age --- but "asking to be his gf" is something teenagers do....not adults.

 

What "issue" do you want to push?

 

You have agreed to date exclusively, so you are on the same page.

 

_________________________

 

No, not just teenagers. My partner and myself met when he was 36 and I 33, over ten years ago. At about week 3-4 of dating, he literally sat down and asked me to be his gf. It was sweet, lovely, old-fashioned and gave me an all-around wonderful feeling. Made me feel incredibly happy.

 

I too was BEYOND paranoid as I'd been more or less single for a year before meeting him and had dealt with all kinds of hell r-ship wise for years and years before that. Thinking about it now, it took me about 2-3 years to finally start believing that this man wasn't going to dump me one day out of the blue and disappear.

 

OP, all you can do at this stage is keep dating, try and keep your insecurities to yourself and hope for the best. I wish you all the luck in the world...

[Redabc123]

_________________________

 

No, not just teenagers. My partner and myself met when he was 36 and I 33, over ten years ago. At about week 3-4 of dating, he literally sat down and asked me to be his gf. It was sweet, lovely, old-fashioned and gave me an all-around wonderful feeling. Made me feel incredibly happy.

 

I too was BEYOND paranoid as I'd been more or less single for a year before meeting him and had dealt with all kinds of hell r-ship wise for years and years before that. Thinking about it now, it took me about 2-3 years to finally start believing that this man wasn't going to dump me one day out of the blue and disappear.

 

OP, all you can do at this stage is keep dating, try and keep your insecurities to yourself and hope for the best. I wish you all the luck in the world...

 

Thank you so much for this, Im glad to know Im not the only one who has ever had these feelings. I appreciate your advice

[Antago]

We both wanted to sleep together it wasn't just his decision, we made it together

 

I'm well aware that he did not rape you; my point is, you have shared intimate pains and pleasures with a man who has not vowed to give you himself, and now all of your fears of losing him (his spirit withdrawing) have come to surface. This is not merely a cocktail of past conditioning as much as it is also the reality of a mistake you made; you have no reason to believe this man's spirit will stay with you forever other than supreme hope, and your heart and soul—your mind—are running through a film of "what if I lose this love"?

[Ronniesgirl]

'..Is it normal to put a time stamp on a relationship ? Should we be talking about it?'

 

My partner made it all so easy for me when we first started dating. As I said, he asked me to be his gf at around week 3-4 of dating. A couple of months after that he asked me to come on holiday to his country of origin (Italy) with him so that he could introduce me to his entire family and all of his friends. At 6 months, he was a major part of my life and we were spending every weekend together. We moved in together at about 2.5 years.

 

It wasn't all plain sailing, no way; neither of us were (are) perfect and both were prepared to deal with the other person's (considerable) baggage. But..he never made me feel as though I needed to move the r-ship forward. He made it very clear through his actions, not words, that this was as serious as it gets for him and that he wasn't going anywhere. I never for a minute had to doubt him being 'into me' or wanting a real thing with me. It's easy when you're (finally!) with the right person.

 

As a side note, just because I read lots of messages on here from mostly very young girls expecting the man they've been dating for 4 months to say 'ILU' and mean it: it took my partner 4!! years to actually come out and say to me that he loved me. He'd always shown it but never actually said it. We've been saying it to each other million times a day every day since. Also, again because I read a lot of posts where people insists that a couple moving in together for reasons of convenience/financial benefit etc won't make it: we did move in together because my flatmate at the time and I had a major falling out and just moving a stranger in was unthinkable to me because of how I am (long story). And he was looking to move out of the place where he'd lived at the time. 8 years later, we're incredibly happy and still living at my old place. It's never ever 'same thing goes for all'. Nothing's ever black or white, right or wrong.

 

OP, if this chap's right for you and you for him, and if the time's right for both of you it will all work itself out without much effort on your part. I wish you all the best.....

[janut1]

This is great advice. I too agree that when you are with the right person, it is easy, not stressful. I've been out there dating now too after a 8 month break and when I start stressing and feeling lots of anxiety around a guy it usually means that something is not right. It took me a couple bad experiences to identify that though.

 

I'm happy for you OP. You should enjoy this and take each day as it comes. Our past is our past, although hard sometimes to forget. I have my own insecurities, especially around guys just going dark after a few months or a few dates. So I bring that into the new guy when dating but we have to remember that not every guy is a jerk.

[Redabc123]

This is great advice. I too agree that when you are with the right person, it is easy, not stressful. I've been out there dating now too after a 8 month break and when I start stressing and feeling lots of anxiety around a guy it usually means that something is not right. It took me a couple bad experiences to identify that though.

 

I'm happy for you OP. You should enjoy this and take each day as it comes. Our past is our past, although hard sometimes to forget. I have my own insecurities, especially around guys just going dark after a few months or a few dates. So I bring that into the new guy when dating but we have to remember that not every guy is a jerk.

 

Thank you for the post I know I need to start having a more positive mind set. When I first began getting extremely nervous usually the day before or on the day we went out, I would think there was something wrong and my intuition was telling me something but as soon as I saw him my nerves went away and really enjoyed the time I spent with him. And when I was about see him again I start getting nervous again or paranoid that he would cancel.But he wouldn't do anything for me to think that, I would just judge what he was going to do because of my past. Is it wrong that I'm preparing myself? Im trying to avoid getting hurt but its hard

[Dcgent]

You both said that it was exclusive... Why are you worried about a title? Enjoy the dates and don't worry so much...if he isn't already, he may start smelling your desperation and then you will find yourself starting all over again with someone new. Just relax and if it happens, it happens. you are looking way to deep into everything. If you need to ask about the exclusivity again, do so...but I don't see the reason why or what benefit it would provide other than dispel your paranoia and possibly create some paranoia for him!

[Redabc123]

You both said that it was exclusive... Why are you worried about a title? Enjoy the dates and don't worry so much...if he isn't already, he may start smelling your desperation and then you will find yourself starting all over again with someone new. Just relax and if it happens, it happens. you are looking way to deep into everything. If you need to ask about the exclusivity again, do so...but I don't see the reason why or what benefit it would provide other than dispel your paranoia and possibly create some paranoia for him!

 

Good Point! I don't want to come off desperate...Ill just keep quite about my paranoia hopefully it isn't showing I try to mask it as much as possible

[BuzzyGirl]

Hey, Just saw your comment on my thread! Yes seems like we're going through something extremely similar! It's so scary isn't it?

[Sportster2005]

Thank you, Is it normal to put a time stamp on a relationship ? Should we be talking about it?

 

There is not one correct speed. Do what is comfortable for you.

 

Early jitters are normal. We are vulnerable. Every relationship starts with some risk. Risk creates anxiety. It's part of the game. Going slower and waiting longer can mitigate some of the risk. It also means it takes longer to find out if someone is a flake or the real thing. Try not to let the normal anxiety cripple you or overwhelm you.

[Ms Darcy]

It's perfectly acceptable and normal to want a title and it's something that all of my past boyfriends have said/requested.

 

I think also when you have sex that increases the bond and your emotional investment in a certain outcome.

 

All I can say is that I have never had sex before a relationship so I don't feel that level of insecurity and anxiety about the outcome.

 

Best thing you can do is to just keep pushing forward .... keep dating him and recognize that it might not work out. That is okay. No matter what you will be fine.

[Redabc123]

It's perfectly acceptable and normal to want a title and it's something that all of my past boyfriends have said/requested.

 

I think also when you have sex that increases the bond and your emotional investment in a certain outcome.

 

All I can say is that I have never had sex before a relationship so I don't feel that level of insecurity and anxiety about the outcome.

 

Best thing you can do is to just keep pushing forward .... keep dating him and recognize that it might not work out. That is okay. No matter what you will be fine.

 

Thank you, Im having major anxiety today. The very thing I was afraid of is happening, I usually hear from him in the morning and evening. Yesterday I just heard from in the morning, he usually texts asking how my day is, but yesterday I didn't get anything. I was busy in the evening so I texted him later that night around 9 saying " I hope your having a great night He did not respond, he usually does. He spends Thursday nights with his dad so I assumed he was busy. We have usually been on this pattern so the break in it is causing anxiety. I don't know if I should be worried or not. Since he didn't answer I don't know If I should text again?

[mhowe]

You shouldn't. He knows how to reach you.

[missmarple]

Since he didn't answer I don't know If I should text again?

 

I never text again when a guy I'm dating doesn't respond...you can be sure he got your message and he will respond when he can.

[Batya33]

Thank you, Im having major anxiety today. The very thing I was afraid of is happening, I usually hear from him in the morning and evening. Yesterday I just heard from in the morning, he usually texts asking how my day is, but yesterday I didn't get anything. I was busy in the evening so I texted him later that night around 9 saying " I hope your having a great night He did not respond, he usually does. He spends Thursday nights with his dad so I assumed he was busy. We have usually been on this pattern so the break in it is causing anxiety. I don't know if I should be worried or not. Since he didn't answer I don't know If I should text again?

 

Please do not text him again. This is not someone you are in a serious relationship with -you've been on 6 dates and you've decided not to have sex with other people. Sounds fairly casual to me at this point. Texting him again is self-absorbed and possibly selfish - the exact opposite of what a growing relationship requires.

 

It's too bad you have this pattern - twice a day contact sounds like a lot at this stage and give him space if he is realizing it's too much.

[Redabc123]

I never text again when a guy I'm dating doesn't respond...you can be sure he got your message and he will respond when he can.

 

This is an awful feeling everything was fine we were joking yesterday talking about seeing each other on Saturday. If he doesnt want to date anymore id be surprised but this is just really weird and I can't seem to bring my anxiety down

[Batya33]

Your anxiety is not his fault so please don't subject him to it by texting him again. If you have a plan for tomorrow then he will be in touch to confirm that if it needs confirming. And yes early on things can change overnight -that's always the risk and you have to decide if it's worth the risk. It was worth it to me (but that was also why I waited to have sex because I knew I would feel more attached and I knew how fragile those first 3 months can be).

 

My friend's wife said, years ago that nothing really counts before 2 months -after that point especially if you discuss being serious (nothing at all to do with a "title") then you're on a path where you're not waiting to be asked out or waiting for a phone call -it's basically even and understood that you'll spend a lot of your free time together and keep in touch regularly, whatever that means to you as a couple.