Ms Darcy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Wow! the must have had some great communication, did she get impatient? Not really. They just "announced" on Facebook and everyone was like "you guys weren't official already?" because they were constantly posting love notes to each other, visiting family for holidays, etc. etc. They were a couple ... just not in "name." Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 How did people know they were in a relationship before FB? Lmao. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 It sounds like you separate having sex from being in an exclusive relationship but then sometimes you are ambivalent about the separation because for you the sexual intimacy is resulting in your being more attached to him. It might not be the same for him and that's ok. Personally, if someone didn't want to be exclusive after 3-4 months of dating (whether or not sex was involved) I'd be moving on and if the guy felt "pushed" at that point that would be all I would need to know. Figure out where you draw the line. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 How did people know they were in a relationship before FB? Lmao. I know. I still won't let my fiancé announce our engagement on FB. I did acquiesce and say he can announce that we are married once we get hitched. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 It sounds like you separate having sex from being in an exclusive relationship but then sometimes you are ambivalent about the separation because for you the sexual intimacy is resulting in your being more attached to him. It might not be the same for him and that's ok. Personally, if someone didn't want to be exclusive after 3-4 months of dating (whether or not sex was involved) I'd be moving on and if the guy felt "pushed" at that point that would be all I would need to know. Figure out where you draw the line. Oh my gosh that does sound like me. This might be TMI but I hadn't had sex in 2 years so my hormones were ready but in the same breath I wanted to be sure he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and that him and I were dating building on something. Every time we see each other we can't keep our hands off each other, so I though I might need to draw the line between lust and liking him, which I did , I had to really sit down and figure that out, Im not sure if he has. I enjoy the time we spend together but I don't know if he sees me as someone he wants to be in a relationship with. I think it was a great step at him introducing me to his friends and dad and even his ex wife, but does that even mean anything? I haven't met his kids which I feel like is too soon. When we first started dating he mentioned that he was open to a relationship is that bad? He knows that is what Im looking for. He asked me if I had any fear about him having kids, being divorced etc. when we had the relationship convo and I told him that because he has experienced so much and I haven't that I feel like I would be ready for a relationship quicker than him because I am ready for one now and he just smiled and kissed me which wasn't the answer I was looking for Link to comment
sophie274 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 But, Redabc, you two have agreed to date exclusively. I don't see any need to push a "what are we" conversation in this case. I think you are at a very normal place for having been dating for two months. I don't think he needs to post a picture on facebook for you to be in a relationship. He can be crazy about you and still want to be discreet about his private life. I think it's much more relevant that he has introduced you to friends and family. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 But, Redabc, you two have agreed to date exclusively. I don't see any need to push a "what are we" conversation in this case. I think you are at a very normal place for having been dating for two months. I don't think he needs to post a picture on facebook for you to be in a relationship. He can be crazy about you and still want to be discreet about his private life. I think it's much more relevant that he has introduced you to friends and family. I agree with this. I guess I can't relate to a couple who is dating exclusively and having physical intimacy but not "ready" to be in a "relationship". What would the difference be? Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 I agree with this. I guess I can't relate to a couple who is dating exclusively and having physical intimacy but not "ready" to be in a "relationship". What would the difference be? I guess that would be my question as well. I have never "just dated" someone but yet been intimate with them. I usually only take that step in relationships. I am a late bloomer as well. I didn't lose my Vcard until I was 25 and he is only the 3rd person I have been with so my emotions may be out of whack Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 It sounds like from what you can gather to him there is a difference. Perhaps it's the level of emotional commitment -he's not yet in love so he's not yet ready to be serious. At some point in the not too distant future ask yourself while you're comfortable having sex with him but not comfortable to ask him what his intentions are towards you. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 It sounds like from what you can gather to him there is a difference. Perhaps it's the level of emotional commitment -he's not yet in love so he's not yet ready to be serious. At some point in the not too distant future ask yourself while you're comfortable having sex with him but not comfortable to ask him what his intentions are towards you. I have been trying to figure it out. Last time it was on the tip of my tongue and then I just couldn't do it. I think I am afraid of his answer. I asked him out for the weekend, to re do the weekend when he arrived late. I hope it doesn't appear clingy that I asked him out this week. i figure we have been out enough Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I have been trying to figure it out. Last time it was on the tip of my tongue and then I just couldn't do it. I think I am afraid of his answer. I asked him out for the weekend, to re do the weekend when he arrived late. I hope it doesn't appear clingy that I asked him out this week. i figure we have been out enough What seems to be wrong with this picture is that you are having sex with someone who you now are attached to emotionally and yet you are not comfortable asking about his intentions because you're not sure you two are on the same page. It would be fine if your emotions were keeping pace with the amount of time you've been dating but you chose to be sexually active and chose the consequences of becoming more emotionally attached than you otherwise would be at this point (I think that's right, correct me if I'm not). So your choices are to live with the icky feeling of being sexually intimate/emotionally attached to someone who you are concerned doesn't feel as close to you or to ask him his intentions and if the answer is "not ready yet" explain to him that you need to see him less and not be sexually active not as an ultimatum but because you are no longer comfortable being that intimate outside of knowing that he has serious intentions. Difficult to unring the bell but probably more difficult to deal with being this insecure. In any event because you have a hard time holding back, the more insecure you get the clingier you probably will behave which also is not the best situation. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I have been trying to figure it out. Last time it was on the tip of my tongue and then I just couldn't do it. I think I am afraid of his answer. I asked him out for the weekend, to re do the weekend when he arrived late. I hope it doesn't appear clingy that I asked him out this week. i figure we have been out enough It's fine that you asked him out. I don't understand why you seem to be so insecure about all this. Are you insecure in general or is it just with this guy? Link to comment
larthur1 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Totally normal if you have had a bad experience before. Maybe over time your guard will come down a little. Try and be mindful though that you don't set yourself upto fail or let these anxieties put pressure on the relationship. You could also talk to him about it. All the best and I am sure it will be fine! Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thank you, I agree I do need to say something. If all goes well on Saturday and we do see each other I will take a deep breath and ask him. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 It's fine that you asked him out. I don't understand why you seem to be so insecure about all this. Are you insecure in general or is it just with this guy? Im not an insecure person just in relationships/dating I have been burned a lot Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Totally normal if you have had a bad experience before. Maybe over time your guard will come down a little. Try and be mindful though that you don't set yourself upto fail or let these anxieties put pressure on the relationship. You could also talk to him about it. All the best and I am sure it will be fine! Thank you for the advice Im hoping in time my guard and anxiety will come down. It has gotten better since I have expressed my feelings on the board, So thank you everyone for your advice it has helped so much Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Im not an insecure person just in relationships/dating I have been burned a lot You must not indulge in "because I've been burned a lot". You choose your reactions and continuing reactions to past events. It's all a matter of perspective, mindset -and putting in the work to get to and maintain a positive, reasonably secure attitude about trying again. A friend of mine gave birth to a stillborn baby last spring. She is due again in a few months. She easily could have decided to feel too insecure to get pregnant again after that horrific -no words for it -tragedy. But she went to therapy, and waited 4 months to grieve and start to heal and then she took the plunge. Her choice -and your choice here. You tend to resort to playing the victim and telling yoursel "he made me feel____" - time to give up that indulgence and live a little. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 You must not indulge in "because I've been burned a lot". You choose your reactions and continuing reactions to past events. It's all a matter of perspective, mindset -and putting in the work to get to and maintain a positive, reasonably secure attitude about trying again. A friend of mine gave birth to a stillborn baby last spring. She is due again in a few months. She easily could have decided to feel too insecure to get pregnant again after that horrific -no words for it -tragedy. But she went to therapy, and waited 4 months to grieve and start to heal and then she took the plunge. Her choice -and your choice here. You tend to resort to playing the victim and telling yoursel "he made me feel____" - time to give up that indulgence and live a little. Thank you Batya33 for your insightful words. I do realize my downfall is thinking too negative when as you stated before I have so much to be blessed for. Im really working hard to think positive this normal dating is a big change for me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thank you Batya33 for your insightful words. I do realize my downfall is thinking too negative when as you stated before I have so much to be blessed for. Im really working hard to think positive this normal dating is a big change for me. What are you doing in reaction to negative thoughts? Doing -not thinking -or not just thinking. I agree that you are dating in a typical way except that you chose to go out of your comfort zone and have sex with him before knowing his future intentions - at the time I know you did feel comfortable but it sounds like now it does not feel normal to be sexually intimate without being on the same page emotionally (it wouldn't feel normal to me either). So from a positive perspective you will decide how to proceed. It means you can't burden him by having expectations you would have if he had expressed serious intentions and you can't react by being clingy but you can take actions -daily - that have the result of a more positive mindset. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 What are you doing in reaction to negative thoughts? Doing -not thinking -or not just thinking. I agree that you are dating in a typical way except that you chose to go out of your comfort zone and have sex with him before knowing his future intentions - at the time I know you did feel comfortable but it sounds like now it does not feel normal to be sexually intimate without being on the same page emotionally (it wouldn't feel normal to me either). So from a positive perspective you will decide how to proceed. It means you can't burden him by having expectations you would have if he had expressed serious intentions and you can't react by being clingy but you can take actions -daily - that have the result of a more positive mindset. He doesnt know I feel this way, its weird because when I do talk to him I don't have these feelings but when I don't talk to him is when I feel this way. I know its me. I was talking to him last night and I just blurted out that I like him a lot, which he said back. we were in this great conversation and I just said it which we have before, but it showed me I'm bringing a wall down which is good. I know the conversation will have to happen this weekend. Its best I ask now then to keep sleeping with him and creating an attachment. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 He doesnt know I feel this way, its weird because when I do talk to him I don't have these feelings but when I don't talk to him is when I feel this way. I know its me. I was talking to him last night and I just blurted out that I like him a lot, which he said back. we were in this great conversation and I just said it which we have before, but it showed me I'm bringing a wall down which is good. I know the conversation will have to happen this weekend. Its best I ask now then to keep sleeping with him and creating an attachment. Assume he knows that you feel this way - that's not a bad thing if he feels the same way but given your stress level I would be surprised if it's not coming through. As you wrote earlier in this thread you texted him because you felt needy and needed reassurance. People know, especially if you do the extra texting, etc. Again it's not bad to be vulnerable if you're on the same page but it can come accross as too needy depending on your interactions and dynamics with the person. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Assume he knows that you feel this way - that's not a bad thing if he feels the same way but given your stress level I would be surprised if it's not coming through. As you wrote earlier in this thread you texted him because you felt needy and needed reassurance. People know, especially if you do the extra texting, etc. Again it's not bad to be vulnerable if you're on the same page but it can come accross as too needy depending on your interactions and dynamics with the person. I definitely don't text him a lot, up until last week we have both been interacting through text more often. I just mirror what his attention level is. Although sometimes I do need reassurance he doesnt know this, I don't act like I do. I know we like each other, but are we on the same page I have no idea, but the only way I will know is if I ask or just see what happens Link to comment
flowergrl80 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Hi I think when we meet someone new we get scared .I feel the same way as you. Sometimes i look for bad things to happen. With so many failed relationship it is hard to be positive about things. Just be yourself and see how it goes with your new guy. Good luck and dont worry too much!! I recently started dating this guy and trust me sometimes i keep thinking the worse will happen. I think it is so true when u keep thinking bad things to happen....it will happen! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I definitely don't text him a lot, up until last week we have both been interacting through text more often. I just mirror what his attention level is. Although sometimes I do need reassurance he doesnt know this, I don't act like I do. I know we like each other, but are we on the same page I have no idea, but the only way I will know is if I ask or just see what happens Just be careful about underestimating what people can sense. I also did the same thing as you did, early on when I wasn't sure if the particular guy was on the same page. Luckily I never texted (didn't have a cell) and when instant messaging became popular I limited that too, and e-mail. I didn't want to reveal unintentionally how interested and into him I was till I was more sure of where he stood. Always served me well - getting to know someone primarily in person or secondarily through meaningful phone calls was what worked for me. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi I think when we meet someone new we get scared .I feel the same way as you. Sometimes i look for bad things to happen. With so many failed relationship it is hard to be positive about things. Just be yourself and see how it goes with your new guy. Good luck and dont worry too much!! I recently started dating this guy and trust me sometimes i keep thinking the worse will happen. I think it is so true when u keep thinking bad things to happen....it will happen! Thank you, its good to know Im not the only one. Im keeping my finger crossed and I really do hope things work out. Good luck with your guy! Link to comment
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