mhowe Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 How is he going to think you lost interest? You have a date set up for Thurs night! Let him contact you. Show confidence that you know he will. And if he asks --- just say "sounded like you had a busy week". DON"T MAKE EXCUSES OR APOLOGIES> Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I see no harm in texting him good morning..so what if you initiated last night for a change? But it all depends on what you are comfortable with. I definitely wouldn't see harm in it if I didn't text him yesterday or the morning prior but he could be me being stubborn Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 How is he going to think you lost interest? You have a date set up for Thurs night! Let him contact you. Show confidence that you know he will. And if he asks --- just say "sounded like you had a busy week". DON"T MAKE EXCUSES OR APOLOGIES> I guess lose interest because Im not contacting him. I will not contact him and I hope everything goes well. Im nervous lol but I know this probably the right thing to do. I read the saying that you show people how you want to be treated I guess this applies Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I would venture a guess that NOT texting will spark his interest. He can't miss you if you don't go away! I know I am in the minority, but "required" texting to me screams "pay attention to me". Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I agree with Mhowe - you do not have to be in someone's face for them to remember you (although infants of course lack object constancy till a certain point in development). The opposite is true. Obviously you respond to someone's contact when it requires a response and you initiate contact if there is a reason to do so (I wrote the reasons I suggest in my previous post to you) but if you have to be in someone's face to be remembered whether through texting or phone then you know you don't mean much to them so why bother. Give him space to miss you, let him live his life and you live yours so that when you do talk you'll have great stories to share. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I certainly understand how you feel when texts are consistent for awhile and then all of a sudden, they aren't. In my experience it has been a issue of losing interest OR they are seeing if you will reach out to them. One guy I was dating waited for me to reach out to him one day because he always initiated, when I didn't he finally texted me late in the evening and told me he waited all day for me to reach out. So really you never know. I asked the guy Im dating now what he likes in terms of communication, he said daily contact works for him, it works for me too, but everybody and every couple is different. If Mhowe or Batya were my partner, it would drive me nuts. No offense, its just that we would have different communication styles. But, in your case, you have a date set up, so I would not be so worried about hearing from him. When I know Im going to see someone, I normally just relax around the communication. I think the worry would be if you didn't hear from him for a few days and had no date planned.. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I never wrote that daily contact was a problem. I did write that I completely disagreed that contacting someone was necessary to insure that the person did not lose interest in her particular situation -he knows she is interested -she said yes to 9 dates and had sex with him early on. I did prefer daily contact with someone I was serious with but again I dated pre-text and while there was e-mail for about half of the time I was dating to me email was not the same as phone contact -so if he was emailing but not calling I noticed that difference. I needed phone conversations to get to know someone -not email or instant messages. I didn't want a chat buddy and I didn't need to know all the ongoing details/minutae of his day before we were serious but I did want quality conversations in person or secondarily by phone. I don't think daily texting is a "communication style" other than a style of communicating by typing instead of talking. I never actually had a conversation with a boyfriend or someone I was dating about frequency of contact other than occasionally having to tell a man that if he continued to call me last minute for dates I would likely be busy. Usually I had to say nothing -I declined the date and if he wanted to see me he figured out on his own that he'd better call sooner. I do think it's important to communicate about whether the person is comfortable being contacted at work, and about what is too early in the day or too late at night. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 UPDATE: Last night was our 10th date ( not sure if I should still be counting) We went to his high school reunion dinner at a restaurant. He introduced me to all his friends, including his ex wife ( they went to high school together and she is remarried) He said they are best friends. He warned before going that they were good friends and nothing more and didn't want me to feel awkward. I assured him I was fine. His friends, his ex wife and I spent the whole night together drinking eating and laughing his ex wife even bought my food. We all ended the night with hugs and " nice to meet yous" Him and I went back to his place afterward and talked with his dad and watched movies ( they live together) excuse we ended the night with some amazing affection and I drove home. I went home with a complete smile on my face. He showed me attention all night and a lot of PDA. It almost felt like it was more than dating but I don't want to get ahead of myself. He paid for my drinks so I paid for his food ( I assumed it was the right time that i treated him to something) He was really tired when I left but he told me to text him when I got home. I did but didn't receive a response. I assumed he was sleeping. I thought he would have texted me in the morning but he didn't. Im trying not to get paranoid but Im a little paranoid. Any thoughts? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Stop over thinking it. He likely did fall asleep and now is likely at work. You don't need this constant check in...morning and night. Go with the flow. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Stop over thinking it. He likely did fall asleep and now is likely at work. You don't need this constant check in...morning and night. Go with the flow. He is on instagram so that sucks they couldn't even text me back at all. Im really disappointed I thought we had such a good time last night. I understand that he doesn't have to do a daily check in, but Im glad you got home safe or something would have been nice. He had no problem doing it before. I am bummed Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You had a fantastic night...met his friends, his ex and you are focusing on the fact that he has his phone in his hand....likely texting his he buddies on how great it was at the reunion...and you are not the center of his world. You really need to get a grip or this is going to drop faster than a brick. You are DATING. Not in a relationship. Put the damn phone down and stop stalking him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Could not agree with Mhowe more. This attitude will bleed over into your interactions with him and that's not fair to him. Focus on what a great night you had and all the positives. Count your blessings over and over. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Could not agree with Mhowe more. This attitude will bleed over into your interactions with him and that's not fair to him. Focus on what a great night you had and all the positives. Count your blessings over and over. Thanks Batya33, I am blessed and I need to start realizing it. I will really work on staying positive I appreciate the advice. I just need to stop this overthinking. I know somethings are just out of my control Thanks again! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Thanks Batya33, I am blessed and I need to start realizing it. I will really work on staying positive I appreciate the advice. I just need to stop this overthinking. I know somethings are just out of my control Thanks again! It's not about "staying positive" - I would approach it this way -when you get a negative thought pattern have tools in your personal arsenal to put it on the fringes of your radar and eventually off your radar. What works for me (i.e. exercise, calling a friend and not talking about that thought, counting blessings) might not work for you. If you resort to the cliche "I'll stay positive" when the overwhelming negative thought comes you won't be ready to take specific action. It takes more effort to come up with your personal arsenal of tools but it's worth it. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 It's not about "staying positive" - I would approach it this way -when you get a negative thought pattern have tools in your personal arsenal to put it on the fringes of your radar and eventually off your radar. What works for me (i.e. exercise, calling a friend and not talking about that thought, counting blessings) might not work for you. If you resort to the cliche "I'll stay positive" when the overwhelming negative thought comes you won't be ready to take specific action. It takes more effort to come up with your personal arsenal of tools but it's worth it. Thank you, I will try and do that and stay clear of my phone. I think a lot of me negative thought stem from my constant checking of my phone. I am going to give a break this week and really try to keep my mind off of this. Thank you for the advice Link to comment
derroax Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I don't understand the "asking to be girlfriend-boyfriend" thing. Frankly I don't even understand the making a commitment to be exclusive, though I understand that's more common. I'm from Europe and don't know anyone who is in a relationship and asked to be "exclusive" or be "my boyfriend/girlfriend". Last time that's happened to me I was 12 and a boy asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Anyway, this could be just cultural differences, but what I'm saying is that perhaps not everyone asks "will you be my girlfriend", and it could be something assumed by default. If you feel this is normal in your age group, you can always ask him what your status is. Easier than making assumptions! Now to answer your fear about something wrong happening. I had a time in my life when, if something good happen to me, I'd feel very guilty because I felt something bad would have to happen afterwards. I decided to take action about this when I bought a slice of cake and started eating it. It was absolutely delicious. After the second bite, I started feeling guilty and thinking that I am enjoying this so much, something bad will have to happen. I realised that I didn't value myself. I felt I wasn't worth much, I didn't deserve to be happy. These issues came from my childhood when I didn't really grow with a sense of self worth and didn't feel I was entitled to happiness. I don't know where you stand in terms of feeling that you deserve your happiness, but it might be a good aspect to look at. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I would never assume exclusivity by default (at least in the USA where I dated) and in the OP's case since she is having sex with him she has to know for health purposes whether they are exclusive. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I have never in my entire dating life from college to today had a boy/ma ask me...or me ask him...are we bf/gf? It really sounds like jr high to me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I have never in my entire dating life from college to today had a boy/ma ask me...or me ask him...are we bf/gf? It really sounds like jr high to me. I've always had the exclusivity discussion with someone I was dating -whether or not we called it "bf/gf" or simply decided we were exclusive -not going to date other people. If we didn't discuss it I assumed we both were keeping our options open. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I've always had the exclusivity discussion with someone I was dating -whether or not we called it "bf/gf" or simply decided we were exclusive -not going to date other people. If we didn't discuss it I assumed we both were keeping our options open. Anyone that I was with ( relationship wise) asked me to be there g/f. I understand that all people are different and Im sure it in his case it might be since he was married before and has 3 kids, I have never been married and don't have any kids. I don't want to push him. We did agree not to date anyone else and since I have met all his friends and his dad and they know about me Im confident that he is only dating me. But as we keep sleeping together I am finding myself wanting to spend more time with him. I don't know when the right time is to bring up the " what are we talk" or even at all. I don't want to push him but I don't want to get attached either and find out later that we weren't on the same page. This is kind of silly but we did take a picture together at the party from the last time we saw each other. He sent to me and I said he looked good, he said you look better which made me smile, but he never posted it which led me to believe that we haven't gotten to the relationship stage yet. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I have a friend who just became Official with her guy after 6 months. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I have a friend who just became Official with her guy after 6 months. Wow! the must have had some great communication, did she get impatient? Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 I don't know when the right time is to bring up the " what are we talk" or even at all. I don't want to push him but I don't want to get attached either and find out later that we weren't on the same page. Well, I don't see how it would be considered 'pushing' to ask someone what he's thinking about you and/or telling them that you want a relationship. Everyone has to look after themselves..and I'd definitely ask, especially if I felt I was getting attached to someone. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Well, I don't see how it would be considered 'pushing' to ask someone what he's thinking about you and/or telling them that you want a relationship. Everyone has to look after themselves..and I'd definitely ask, especially if I felt I was getting attached to someone. I think I used the wrong word lol I know I am developing feelings for him and I think about him a lot. Last time we saw each other I wanted to ask but got scared lol. Hopefully if we see each other again I can ask him I know he says he likes me but that could me anything lol Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 No need to be scared. If he wants the same as you, fine. If not, you'll know..which is much better than not knowing Link to comment
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