Redabc123 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 I really didn't think it was a wrong choice to sleep with him. seeing what your saying is making me over think it. If it was based on that why didn't he just dump me after. This doesn't add up to me at all. My anxiety is from this situation. Im not blaming him but its caused because of him. So at this point I have cause to worry? Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 So at this point I have cause to worry? No. People get busy or sick, stuff happens, phones break down...etc. etc. Wait a couple of days before you start worrying (although I understand how you feel, I'm a worrier, too). Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 No. People get busy or sick, stuff happens, phones break down...etc. etc. Wait a couple of days before you start worrying (although I understand how you feel, I'm a worrier, too). I wish I didn't worry so much, but I definitely don't want to look eager or desperate by texting again, but I am worried he does have stomach issues. So if I don't hear from him today, I shouldn't contact tomorrow since we planned on seeing each other. I offered to plan it this time since he has planned every date. Link to comment
jjkk Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Well if you have plans to see each other tomorrow and you've told him you're planning the date, I'd contact him to solidify plans. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Share Posted March 13, 2015 Well if you have plans to see each other tomorrow and you've told him you're planning the date, I'd contact him to solidify plans. Ugh so I obviously can't control myself and texted him "Good morning" He texted back that he stayed out really late with his friends and is paying for it today. I feel so silly I should have just waited. I want to confirm plans for tomorrow so I can plan properly but I don't want to look to eager. Is there anyway I can redeem myself? This is also making me wonder if Im even ready to date even though I want a relationship this anxiety and stress is really wearing me out although I am doing this to myself lol. I like him but to be this worried isn't good and not healthy. Can anyone recommend a book that I can read maybe self help. Thank you all for advice it has really helped Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Wish him a happy hangover and tell him what time to meet you or pick you up as you have planned the date for Sat and then get on with your day. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 I really didn't think it was a wrong choice to sleep with him. seeing what your saying is making me over think it. If it was based on that why didn't he just dump me after. This doesn't add up to me at all. My anxiety is from this situation. Im not blaming him but its caused because of him. So at this point I have cause to worry? I never said it was a wrong choice for you. Your anxiety is not caused because of him. It is caused because you are reacting to him not calling you at a certain time - if he had promised to call you at a certain time and did not then your reaction -concern/worried -would be because of him breaking his promise to you. Please do not put this on him - being with someone and developing love is about giving not burdening someone with your overreactions/anxiety reactions. The only problem with having sex early on is if you are the kind of person who has different expectations of someone just because you had intercourse or if you get more attached through intercourse. I knew I would so I chose not to until we were exclusive, in love and with strong potential for marriage. That is what worked best for me. That would not work for you apparently because you have written that you wanted to have sex when you did and I am sure you considered any downsides of that choice. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Ugh so I obviously can't control myself and texted him "Good morning" He texted back that he stayed out really late with his friends and is paying for it today. I feel so silly I should have just waited. I want to confirm plans for tomorrow so I can plan properly but I don't want to look to eager. Is there anyway I can redeem myself? This is also making me wonder if Im even ready to date even though I want a relationship this anxiety and stress is really wearing me out although I am doing this to myself lol. I like him but to be this worried isn't good and not healthy. Can anyone recommend a book that I can read maybe self help. Thank you all for advice it has really helped It's very simple. It's about developing better impulse control and having the sort of life where you have enough going on and enough distractions that you can use those as tools to manage your anxiety. It's about believing in being a giving person who doesn't subject other people to your anxiety if at all possible and never ever blaming this guy or any guy you're dating for "causing" your anxiety just because you are a high strung person about this stuff. Of course you can help it. You chose not to help it. I don't think it's the worst thing you did but I would not repeat it again. I recommend yogic breathing routines and yoga classes. Link to comment
Dcgent Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 It sounds to me like you need to either work on yourself before dating again or to learn ways to relax. Breathing is a good way to release anxiety, as is cardio related activities. Obsessing next to your phone is trying to run up a slippery slope...you most likely won't make it to the top despite all the effort. Seriously, just relax and enjoy life. If the relationship ends, will it be the end of the world for you? Can you imagine worse situations in this world that make your worries about him seem miniscule. Men can sniff out women that have these insecurities, and typically will run away...or just use you for short term benefits. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Look up the 2-7-8 breathing technique I think it's called -for anxiety reduction. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 Look up the 2-7-8 breathing technique I think it's called -for anxiety reduction. Thank you for this I will check it out. We had our 9th date on Saturday ( I don't know if should still be counting) He arrived late because of work so we lost the reservation for what I had planned. We stayed in and watched movies and he ended up getting sick. He has ulcerative colitis so his stomach hurts if he eats certain foods. He stayed over even though he was sick and left late the next morning. Not my ideal date. At this point I should be going with the flow right? Should he still be asking me on dates or should I take the initiative? I did the yoga breathing and it helped. I think I just need to start overthinking, Im afraid if I do that it will make me eager. I like the pace that were on, even though we have sex..alot and I am scared that he will make me emotionally attached which I probably should have thought of before I did. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I am sure it wasn't his "ideal" date either --- sometimes people get sick. HE can't make YOU emotionally attached. YOU are in charge of your emotions. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I am sure it wasn't his "ideal" date either --- sometimes people get sick. HE can't make YOU emotionally attached. YOU are in charge of your emotions. Thank you mhowe, If I could get your opinion on something else that would be great: Im been trying to calm and not let me paranoia kick in but he doesn't seem to be initiating as much as before. "Good Mornings" text are starting to dwindle and I would usually hear from him in the morning and evening and last night I didn't hear from him and since I never text him first in the evening I decided to ask how his day was we had a good conversation but he never asked me out for this week. He usually always did at the beginning of week so I thought maybe I should ask his plans for the week since I never really initiate that kind of conversation. Since he has kids during the week on Mondays and Wednesdays I knew he wouldn't be free but he did tell me he was doing some errands today ( tuesday)and hanging out with friends on Thursday we usually hang out on one of the two days. I told him to have a great time and he told me he still wanted to see me. I told him my free day was on Thursday but he would be with friends he then invited me to hang out with his friends he said he wanted them to meet me which I thought was sweet. I told him if he was sure Id love to. We said " definitely" I thanked him for the invite. He didn't respond back on send me a good morning text this morning. Should I be worried? Should I initiate contact ? Thank you so much in advance Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I think after 9 dates you should be taking turns making plans for dates. I would avoid writing "are you sure" about whether he wants you included - he asked, you accepted, trust that he wants you there. I think you should contact him only if you are not doing it for reassurance or just to check up on him. Contact him between dates when you have something interesting to share with him. Be very honest with yourself about your motives because since you're choosing to type to him he is not going to get tone, inflection, etc and you are not going to hear right back as you would on a phone call so make sure you are not doing it because you feel needy. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I think after 9 dates you should be taking turns making plans for dates. I would avoid writing "are you sure" about whether he wants you included - he asked, you accepted, trust that he wants you there. I think you should contact him only if you are not doing it for reassurance or just to check up on him. Contact him between dates when you have something interesting to share with him. Be very honest with yourself about your motives because since you're choosing to type to him he is not going to get tone, inflection, etc and you are not going to hear right back as you would on a phone call so make sure you are not doing it because you feel needy. I enjoy hearing from him because it shows that he interested and there are times I want to just ask him how his day is going especially since he was sick. But the change is a concern for me since we were back and forth saying good morning have a good day, now Im not really getting that. Should I be worried or is normal for things to change and it doesn't mean something is wrong? We had been going back and forth as contact in the morning. And this might sound silly but I was the last to text last night, shouldnt he say good morning? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 My personal opinion is that "good morning" texts are very superfluous, especially when you have kids and are trying to get them up and going. And they certainly are not an indication of a lack of interest when he actually says "I want to see you" and since your day off coincided with his plans with friends --- and he invited you to meet them because he wants them to meet you. You need to look at the bigger picture. You have been on 9 dates...so you don't have an "established date night". It just so happened it worked that way, and it so happened that this week ---Thur was the night his friends were free. Agree with Batya. If he invites you --- you don't ask "are you sure". Text him on Thurs morning if you haven't heard from him and ask about the arrangements to get together --- are you meeting him or is he picking you up (etc). Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 It's always a matter of concern when a pattern is broken. However, sometimes, it really means nothing. I would text him good morning and judge from his reaction. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I enjoy hearing from him because it shows that he interested and there are times I want to just ask him how his day is going especially since he was sick. But the change is a concern for me since we were back and forth saying good morning have a good day, now Im not really getting that. Should I be worried or is normal for things to change and it doesn't mean something is wrong? We had been going back and forth as contact in the morning. And this might sound silly but I was the last to text last night, shouldnt he say good morning? There are no "should" or "shouldn't". This is a dating situation --- not yet a full fledged relationship, and even then --- no NEED for constant contact. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I am meeting him he lives about 40 min from me, it only my 2nd time there he usually comes to see me. I agree I should have asked he was sure I just didn't want to think I said that day just to hang out with him. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 It's always a matter of concern when a pattern is broken. However, sometimes, it really means nothing. I would text him good morning and judge from his reaction. Even if I have been initiating contact, wouldn't that seem clingy? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I think that texting good morning/good night BEFORE you are in a relationship IS clingy. He has a life, you have a life. What if he is out with his kids/friends/family --- and doesn't respond to the text? You spend the night wondering what is going on. Same with mornings --- some are hectic, some are not. It isn't an indication --- possibly it died off a bit BECAUSE you are dating and it is a given you will be seeing each other at some point in the week. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Even if I have been initiating contact, wouldn't that seem clingy? I thought he was the one initiating contact more often until last night? Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I thought he was the one initiating contact more often until last night? Morning text we go back and forth but evening texts it has been him most of the time except for last night and one other time prior I did Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I think that texting good morning/good night BEFORE you are in a relationship IS clingy. He has a life, you have a life. What if he is out with his kids/friends/family --- and doesn't respond to the text? You spend the night wondering what is going on. Same with mornings --- some are hectic, some are not. It isn't an indication --- possibly it died off a bit BECAUSE you are dating and it is a given you will be seeing each other at some point in the week. Ok that makes sense should I just keep on with my week and not text him. Will he think I lost interest? The only reason I ask is because we have been in contact everyday Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Morning text we go back and forth but evening texts it has been him most of the time except for last night and one other time prior I did I see no harm in texting him good morning..so what if you initiated last night for a change? But it all depends on what you are comfortable with. Link to comment
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