Redabc123 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Thank you, its good to know Im not the only one. Im keeping my finger crossed and I really do hope things work out. Good luck with your guy! Update: Hey everyone, I wanted to thank everyone for there advice. It has been working so well as far as bringing down my anxiety and paranoia. He was sick this weekend because he had a wisdom tooth pulled. We had plans to hang out on Saturday but since he was still in pain. I asked if he wanted a visitor and he replied enthusiastically so I went to see him. We mainly just watched tv and talked. He was still very attentive even though he wasn't well. We later went to visit another friend of his since he said he was feeling a little better. I have not met this friend before. We hung out for about an hour there since he started to not feel well again. We drove back to his place kissed a little and before I left he asked we could plan something for Tuesday. Our date was last night which was a lot of fun we went to dine in movie and walked around afterward. He was kissing me all night. He drove me back to my place we hung out for another our before he left. Since I work in the school system I am on Spring Break and when he was leaving he was said " You need to go out and get wild for spring break and get together with some friends" me not trying to over react I didn't know what he meant by that. Was I being to clingy? Did he think I was being eager with him? On his way home we were in conversation and talking about the night and the songs we heard on the way back and I happened to be looking through my calendar and noticed it was exactly two months to the day we met and mentioned it to him. He said " Wow two months, it feels like I have known you longer" When he got home he texted " its been a fun two months, I had a fun time time tonight. Sweet dreams" I am an observer so I tried not read into his text. Although we had a great time, I felt like from his comment and the text that I may need to let him lead from now on. I don't know where his head is and I feel like he might not be ready for a relationship just yet, he seems like he is causal comfortable mode. Is taking a step back a good idea? we haven't communicated today and for the first time I don't feel nervous or anxious Im not sure if that is a good sign or not. Sorry for the long post. Thank you in advance for the advice you all have been such a huge help Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Where do you come up with this stuff? head is and I feel like he might not be ready for a relationship just yet, he seems like he is causal comfortable mode. Is taking a step back a good idea? His comment re: spring break was a joke. Spring break = wild and crazy time. You have the week off....enjoy yourself!! Nothing sinister here. He is enjoying dating you. It feels comfortable and fun. And yes ---- you don't need to be in constant contact. Enjoy your life and let his being in it add to your enjoyment, not your anxiety. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Where do you come up with this stuff? head is and I feel like he might not be ready for a relationship just yet, he seems like he is causal comfortable mode. Is taking a step back a good idea? His comment re: spring break was a joke. Spring break = wild and crazy time. You have the week off....enjoy yourself!! Nothing sinister here. He is enjoying dating you. It feels comfortable and fun. And yes ---- you don't need to be in constant contact. Enjoy your life and let his being in it add to your enjoyment, not your anxiety. Lol thanks Mhowe Im not sure why this stuff surfaces in my head either Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 You were not just being an observer -you were interpreting typed words through your negative lens. It reminds me of a guy I knew who told me he unintentionally offended a woman he liked because after their first kiss on a summer night he said "wow this is going to be a fun summer" -she assumed he meant he was just casual about her but he wasn't. Look at the totality -he is seeing you when he is sick, introducing you to his friends, sending you fun texts. etc. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 You were not just being an observer -you were interpreting typed words through your negative lens. It reminds me of a guy I knew who told me he unintentionally offended a woman he liked because after their first kiss on a summer night he said "wow this is going to be a fun summer" -she assumed he meant he was just casual about her but he wasn't. Look at the totality -he is seeing you when he is sick, introducing you to his friends, sending you fun texts. etc. Your right, I just wasn't sure why he would blurt something like that out. I didnt want to freak him out about the two months thing lol I just happened to notice. In all honesty I fee like I have gotten better but obviously still need to adjust the negativity Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Your right, I just wasn't sure why he would blurt something like that out. I didnt want to freak him out about the two months thing lol I just happened to notice. In all honesty I fee like I have gotten better but obviously still need to adjust the negativity Why did you blurt out that it was two months since you started dating? Because you felt like it at the moment. Let him feel like it at the moment, too. He's not a puppet/robot and there's no script. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Why did you blurt out that it was two months since you started dating? Because you felt like it at the moment. Let him feel like it at the moment, too. He's not a puppet/robot and there's no script. Very true, I guess the only reason I felt that I needed to back up is because I hadn't heard from him today and either one of us would usually send a text. I have been leading most of the communication lately so I felt the need to step back, hoping that anything said last night didn't cause him to not want to text me today. I agree with you and Mhowe that there shouldn't be constant communication , but when there isn't I guess my instinct is there something wrong which is negative I know Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Everything is great. He is happy to be with you. Not hearing from him for a day means -----NOTHING. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Everything is great. He is happy to be with you. Not hearing from him for a day means -----NOTHING. Your always right about these things because he texted. I need to take a chill pill lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Very true, I guess the only reason I felt that I needed to back up is because I hadn't heard from him today and either one of us would usually send a text. I have been leading most of the communication lately so I felt the need to step back, hoping that anything said last night didn't cause him to not want to text me today. I agree with you and Mhowe that there shouldn't be constant communication , but when there isn't I guess my instinct is there something wrong which is negative I know What specific things are you doing to work on your negative mindset? And I don't agree that we're right "because" he texted. The point is that even if he hadn't texted you still need to be ok with not hearing from him for a day unless he promised to get in touch and then doesn't -that would be unreliable. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 What specific things are you doing to work on your negative mindset? And I don't agree that we're right "because" he texted. The point is that even if he hadn't texted you still need to be ok with not hearing from him for a day unless he promised to get in touch and then doesn't -that would be unreliable. The change of maybe not hearing from him is why my mind headed negative. When something changes when things have been consistent can sometimes be a negative result. I am really not try to focus on him so much. And when we do communicate I try to just flow with him and tell myself what ever is going to happen is going to happen. I can't make him like me. Today Im really going to try and just no focus on texting or calling even though as I get to know him I want to do it more. I don't want him to lose interest because Im not reaching out, but thats a negative thought so I am going to try to stick to this Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 The change of maybe not hearing from him is why my mind headed negative. When something changes when things have been consistent can sometimes be a negative result. I am really not try to focus on him so much. And when we do communicate I try to just flow with him and tell myself what ever is going to happen is going to happen. I can't make him like me. Today Im really going to try and just no focus on texting or calling even though as I get to know him I want to do it more. I don't want him to lose interest because Im not reaching out, but thats a negative thought so I am going to try to stick to this It is the opposite. He will lose interest if you are too available and especially if he senses/smells that you're reaching out for reassurance even if you make up lighthearted/breezy excuses to contact him or tell yourself "I'm just sending him a cute pic of my cat!". Your negative thoughts are not because he's not texting you -it's because you're sticking to this pattern perspective that if he doesn't reach out X times a day or week then it must be bad news. And if he does text I wouldn't read much into it- it's so easy to send someone a text. If the text says "are you free for dinner tomorrow night" then it is meaningful -he is finding a way to make sure he gets to see you. If it says "I am thinking of you sweetie" that's sweet, sure but watch the feet- the effort he puts in to getting to know you in person. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Share Posted April 3, 2015 Hmm ok, I haven't been reaching out this week. I'm trying to be as light and carefree as possible if does text. I agree that if I'm too available he will lose interest. Last night he was with his dad for dinner which the do every Thursday. We mad a mini convo and when I realized he with his dad I just told him to have a fun night. He said nothing back. Usually I would continued the conversation. I'm going to try this step back approach. It was had because yesterday I found out our favorite comedian is coming to our hometown. That's when I really wanted text him and tell him Link to comment
mhowe Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 There is no need to respond to "have a fun night"...it is a closed text. And with regard to the come dian...great thought for a future date. Here's another thought...you don't need to be in touch with every thought that passes through your mind. I will admit that when I am driving and bored...I can come up with any number of reasons to call bf. Who would be working. So I ask myself "can this wait until I see him and then we can have a real conversation instead of a distracted one". And generally...my answer is yes. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 I completely agree with Mhowe's approach and can relate to that feeling of wanting to tell all "right now". Luckily for the first 15 years or so of my social life/dating life there were no texts/emails/widely used cellphones so you had to save up your stories and anecdotes for when you could pick up your old fashioned landline phone and call or see the person. I agree that your text didn't require a response. He was with his Dad. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 I completely agree with Mhowe's approach and can relate to that feeling of wanting to tell all "right now". Luckily for the first 15 years or so of my social life/dating life there were no texts/emails/widely used cellphones so you had to save up your stories and anecdotes for when you could pick up your old fashioned landline phone and call or see the person. I agree that your text didn't require a response. He was with his Dad. Thank you guys! Just an update: We spent the weekend together for the first time. He stayed at my place since the events we were going to we in my city. We went on the lake and went around in his friends boat on Saturday and a basketball game Saturday night. My parents were at the same basketball game so he got a chance to meet them. We took some pictures together all initiated by him and he posted them on social media. Its hard to not act like I'm his gf when were together because it feels natural. We haven't had the talk. Im trying my best to just enjoy being together but weather are together or not is always in back of my head I know its still early since we have only been dating a little over 2 months. Im guessing I just need to be more patient. Everytime we are together I want to say something but I just freeze up lol Link to comment
missmarple Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I know its still early since we have only been dating a little over 2 months. That's hardly early in my book. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I think the time to say something is when your internal deadline comes up - where, if you're not exclusive/potentially serious by a certain point you would want to cut your losses and move on. I'm glad you are continuing to have fun with him and meeting his friends. Not to put too fine a point but it struck me that you noticed that he "initiated" the photos - please please have fun and stop monitoring his every move and whether he "initiates". Assume it means absolutely nothing that he took and posted photos of you. From a negative perspective he could remove them tomorrow or in an hour with the casual comment "oh I didn't like how I looked in them" or whatever. From a positive perspective all it means is that he is not seeing anyone else who has a social media account and who would care that he was dating other people. It means nothing. Believe me he will sense or know that you are monitoring him in this way and it is a turn-off. Force yourself to back off from the minutae. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 That's hardly early in my book. I wish he would just bring it up I have this feeling which probably paranoia that bringing it up will mess things up Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I wish he would just bring it up I have this feeling which probably paranoia that bringing it up will mess things up The times I had to bring it up were the times the guy just wasn't that into me but I had to bring it up very few times. Twice that I can remember. One time was after 6 weeks and was tied to his desire to have sex and my explaining my values about that. The other time was after 2 months -closer to 3 -and he said he needed more time. We were not having sex. I brought it up because he stayed over and as soon as he got home logged onto the dating site. So I winked at him on the site, then he called me. I gave it one more month (without sharing my deadline with him) after 3 weeks he showed me a very scary side of him so I ended it. Typically the men who were serious about me wanted to become exclusive within the first month of dating -by about 4-5 dates at the outside. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thanks Batya33, I noticed he posted it only because we looking at IG together. I posted one out the two he posted not one because I really liked the picture and two because I felt like it was ok to do. I would have not felt comfortable other wise. I do agree I have to be careful. I have noticed that I mirroring him which I need to stop but that puts me in safe zone Is that bad?. Your right those pictures could mean nothing I guess I got a little too excited. I normally wouldn't introduce anyone to my family unless we were a couple but he knew they would be at the game and wanted me them he also asked if they liked him Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 since he hasn't said anything and its been over a month Im not sure if this is a good sign Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 since he hasn't said anything and its been over a month Im not sure if this is a good sign I think it's pretty neutral for now. He didn't "meet" your parents -you happened to be at the same event. I would stop looking for signs - all that is off the table until you reach your internal deadline. Then it's time for you to say something if he has not. That might be tomorrow, next week, next year -you decide how long before you hear from him what his future intentions are, if any. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I wish he would just bring it up I have this feeling which probably paranoia that bringing it up will mess things up If it's eating you up, you should bring it up. I know you feel like the guy should ... but sometimes guys need a nudge. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 If you bring it up -no back story/apologies and only in person. Keep it to about ten words or less. Like "we've been dating a few months now. what are your intentions towards us" or "do you see us as being together long term?" Only bring it up in person and none of that "we need to talk" stuff. Very very little needs to be said to a person who is serious about you. It already will be on his mind in a big way and he will want you to know 100% that he feels the same way. Link to comment
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