larthur1

I know...I know. Sometimes the memories are too much you know. I'll never understand how even one of those wasn't enough.

I screwed up and sent you a message today. No text just a title and link to a book that meant so much to us. It would have made you excited just knowing she was writing another trilogy. A book I would have read to you in bed. A book we would have talked about and laughed about, a book I would have bought you for Christmas. What was I expecting? A reply. A least some acknowledgement of this shared thing. A thank you. Maybe just to penetrate the layer of vileness you have created about yourself and reach the woman I loved. I just have to accept she is gone. That hurts alsmost as much as your betrayal, sometimes I wish you had died instead. At least then I would have retained my memories of us and mourned you. You. My darling. Sometimes I wish I could delete my memories or erase my heart. I've never let someone get so close...I've never had someone hurt me so much. Life is a blessing and a curse.

Dude, screw NC and send that.

I hope you break. You cry until there is nothing left but a dried up husk, that you cry so much the tears burn like acid and your hair falls out. I hope you don’t sleep for fear of nightmares. That you drink yourself stupid to break the monotony of grief. To hold my things and pictures of us in your shaking hands, screaming for someone the fix this. God, the devil. Ghosts or beings of light. I want you to beg and barter, plead and curse just so that something, anything makes it not real. That you break down and crawl up into a ball and wish you would die and lay there for hours with that thought in your mind. That your fondest memories become a bitter joke and a source of torment and pain. That you live with me inside your head until you think your going mad. That you look into the eyes of your family and see their pain and frustration because they know that they cant help you. Then I want you to live with the hope that its all going to be ok. That this is all some plan becuase surely something so bad must have a purpose? That you check you phone at every beep or imagined vibration, just hoping its me. I hope one thought sets you back to relive the pain. That the only reason you don’t kill yourself is becuase of the damage it would cause to your loved ones. Because then you will know what I have been through. What I have done to myself. Instead of hiding from the pain like a coward with someone else. In one move, destroying somebody that loved you more than life itself. Someone that used to tell you he loved you everyday. Smile at the thought of you when he hadn’t seen you. Give you the bigger portion or the last glass. Reach out into the night to touch you, just to know you were real. You took away our home, our life, my sanity and kind heart. You destroyed my memories and ideals. I hope what you have was worth it.

You were my best friend, we wouldn’t last a full day without speaking to each other. My soul mate, my partner and my lover. Now we don’t even talk. The things I shared with you were things I could barely admit to myself. I loved you so, so much. It makes me cry. You were my everything and I would have done anything for you. You only had to ask me or make me understand. I miss holding you in my arms and have you smell my chest. I miss you wearing my tshirts and jumpers. I miss singing Jack Johnson to you in the car. I miss warming up your side of the bed. I miss your smile and your laugh. I told you I loved you everyday because I wanted you to know that wherever I was, my heart was yours. I carved our names into a tree and on a beach in Penang. You were the first thing I thought of and the last. Why are we here after everything we braved and shared together? Years of hardships and strife but safe and happy in our little world. Why was that not enough? Why was I not enough? Why didn’t we resolve this together and come out stronger, as we should have. I was your hero, even at the end your happiness was the most important thing to me. Even when I was falling apart with my life boxed up in my car. How could you lose or forget that love and who I was, why was one glance in our box of memories not enough. Why did you chose terrible friends and a loser like him over me. There should never have been a race, let alone a winner. Max didn’t know his daddy wasn’t coming back that day, I didn’t know either. I miss my little boy so much. I miss cuddling him, his smell and talking to him in my silly voice. Now he is someone elses’. He didn’t stay up with him all night when he was sick. He didn’t stand out in the rain when he needed the loo. He didn’t have pictures of you both on his phone that would get him through the day. He isn’t me. Life is a blessing and a curse and there are plenty worse things than death. Living with the echo of a feeling to a memory is all I have left. How could you do this to me…after how I was to you.

"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship” I felt like sending that to you today but I think there's more chance of teaching a wall maths, than you what real love is about.

I still love you so much. I really feel like picking the phone up and talking to you today, just to hear your voice. My soul aches for yours. Just to hold you in my arms again or mime ‘I love you’ like we used to. You were my best friend. I would have rather fought an army with my bare hands than face this pain and know that I won’t see or speak to you again. I grieve for the loss of something so precious and wonderful. I hate that I pushed you further away with my emails and phone calls, depraved as I was with grief and hurt. I miss cuddling Max together like we used to. I miss enjoying love, life and laughter with you. I miss being your rock and your courage. I miss reading to you in our bed. I miss reaching out for you in the night just to know you were real. I miss kissing you goodbye and then seeing your smile when you get home. I hope your safe. I hope your happy. I still can’t bring myself to throw away our box of memories, just one item in there is worth a lifetime without you.

I wish I could see you one last time, just to hold you in my arms again and see your smile. I miss my little boy terribly and thought of you both haunt me, there is even no escape in sleep.