I hope you break. You cry until there is nothing left but a dried up husk, that you cry so much the tears burn like acid and your hair falls out. I hope you don’t sleep for fear of nightmares. That you drink yourself stupid to break the monotony of grief. To hold my things and pictures of us in your shaking hands, screaming for someone the fix this. God, the devil. Ghosts or beings of light. I want you to beg and barter, plead and curse just so that something, anything makes it not real. That you break down and crawl up into a ball and wish you would die and lay there for hours with that thought in your mind. That your fondest memories become a bitter joke and a source of torment and pain. That you live with me inside your head until you think your going mad. That you look into the eyes of your family and see their pain and frustration because they know that they cant help you. Then I want you to live with the hope that its all going to be ok. That this is all some plan becuase surely something so bad must have a purpose? That you check you phone at every beep or imagined vibration, just hoping its me. I hope one thought sets you back to relive the pain. That the only reason you don’t kill yourself is becuase of the damage it would cause to your loved ones.
Because then you will know what I have been through. What I have done to myself. Instead of hiding from the pain like a coward with someone else. In one move, destroying somebody that loved you more than life itself. Someone that used to tell you he loved you everyday. Smile at the thought of you when he hadn’t seen you. Give you the bigger portion or the last glass. Reach out into the night to touch you, just to know you were real. You took away our home, our life, my sanity and kind heart. You destroyed my memories and ideals. I hope what you have was worth it.