MaddiD Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 My fiancée is jealous of my female best friend. First off, me and my best friend live in different states so we rarely see each other but a couple times a year. However, he believes that she is in love with me. She calls me the love of her life and jokes around about my body. She is in a long term relationship with a man and has never had a sexual encounter with a woman more than the drunken college kiss. I never noticed her sexual jokes toward me to be anything more than jokes. I just saw it as that is the way she is. However, my fiancée can't let it go. He gets upset when me and my best friend talk through social media or text. I have stopped talking to her as often bc of his behavior. He wants me to have a problem with the way she talks to me. He wants me to tell her to stop talking and joking and even touching me. But, he doesn't want me to tell her it's bc of him. His issues with her have given me depression. I have not talked to her about this let alone talked to her much at all. However, I can't stop her from commenting on social media and that usually spawns an aggressive episode from him. I know he doesn't want her to know how he feels bc more than just her will find out. She has sisters that I'm also very close to. I need advice. My fiancée makes me for guilty for something I haven't even done. Btw I have never cheated on him. Any advice? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 How is he with your other friends and family? Link to comment
relevart Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Your fiancee is being unfair to you, it would seem. agent asked how he is toward your other friends and family. I'd like to know, too. But also is he controlling in any other way toward you? I can't help but think this is a red flag about other issues, too. It would seem odd that his only problem toward you is this one female friend. The sad thing is that I doubt he's going to be OK with her at all until you break all contact with her, even through social media. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 This is a HUGE red flag. He seriously has issues with your female best friend because of silly comments? I have female friends I have joked with like this, especially if we were a little tipsy. Is your best friend a good friend? Does she bring you happiness, enjoyment or fulfillment? Or is she toxic to you in any way? Does she interfere with your relationship or bad mouth your fiancé? Is your fiancé seeing things that you may overlook? Examine all these factors...and if all your answers are 'no'.....then you have yourself a very controlling fiancé'. The problem here, is that it won't end even if you completely cut of your best friend. Then it will be an issue with family, or other friends or hobbies. Proceed cautiously. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Sounds controlling and insecure. Are you sure you want to marry this guy? How much more do you have to give up to be his wife? BTW Are you Bi-sexual? Is he afraid you will leave him for a woman? If you have never done anything to make him feel this way he has trust issues on top of everything else. Lost Link to comment
MaddiD Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 @agent Well, I am best friends with three sisters but he only has a problem with her. And yes, he has issues with my sister, my brother-in-law, his father. But, he will only tell me his issues with them. He is an introvert. He does not have friends of his own. I am his only friend. This could be a reason behind his jealousy with my best friend. But, I also think he has a problem with trust and forgiveness. I have been a great girlfriend to him. I haven't given him any reasons to feel like he can't trust me... @relevart Honestly, he really isn't controlling. I'm more of the controlling one. Yeah, it makes no sense. I just think he doesn't understand my best friend. Since he is such an introvert, he doesn't give friendships a chance. He doesn't truly get to know people and how they tick. @JA0371 My best friend is amazing. She is so joyful and silly and she truly loves me. I know she does. Yes, she is touchy but she has always been that way even before my fiancee came along and I'm not the only person she is touchy with. She is a sexual person and loves to makes jokes about it. I like that about her. I like her openness but he wants me to have a problem with it like he does. I just feel my fiancee has never really had a true best friend and he really doesn't get the love we feel for each other. He just feels like she is trying to 'hit on me.' From this, he doesn't even put himself in the position to get to know her. It's getting to the point where he doesn't even want her at our wedding. She admires him and has never said anything negative about him. @lostandhurt I do consider myself bi-curious. He is fully aware of that. We have made it very clear that cheating with a woman is still cheating. He does have reservations about my sexuality but other times is open to it. We have even considered threesomes and a swinger lifestyle. He did admit to me this morning that his ex had cheated on him with a girl. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Well, I am best friends with three sisters but he only has a problem with her. And yes, he has issues with my sister, my brother-in-law, his father. But, he will only tell me his issues with them. He is an introvert. He does not have friends of his own. I am his only friend. This could be a reason behind his jealousy with my best friend. But, I also think he has a problem with trust and forgiveness. I have been a great girlfriend to him. I haven't given him any reasons to feel like he can't trust me... Sorry, but unless this guy gets his own friends and life....this IS going to turn really ugly!! He has issues with your family members?? Bad bad sign!! A loving and supportive bf would encourage you to have friendships and good relationships with others. It's healthy and it doesn't matter if HE has trust issues. Those are his demons..not yours. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 So he isn't willing to share you with anyone. He has made a friend and wants to keep you all to himself. This isn't good and does not bode well for the future. I don't know if you have set a date yet but you need to postpone the wedding while this gets worked out. It will not get better on it's own and will more than likely get much worse. Sit down with him and talk to him very calmly and tell him you are concerned that he has no friends and is so introverted. Let him know that is affecting your relationship and you would like the two of you to go see a therapist to work out these issues before any more wedding plans are made. He needs to understand how serious you are about all this. This will only get worse after the marriage I am afraid. Lost Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 It's probably a mix of the cheating, her personality and your sexuality that's setting him off on this. But, I will say, that it's not an excuse. He does not get to punish you for other people messing up. And the more you capitulate on things like this, the more you will have to. It's not something that's reasonable and respects reasonable boundaries. If you give an insecurity what it wants, you feed it and it gets bigger. He's more than an introvert- I am an introvert, again, it's not an excuse or a reason to try and cut your partners friends out. The fact that he has issues with so many other people is concerning. And I wonder if he manages to get rid of her, if he'll suddenly have problems with your other friends. You can't be everything to one person. That's setting a relationship up to fail. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 What the others said. I was prepared to see something like your best friend was opposite sex and saying inappropriate things to you and hating on the fiancee--which is when I will say there's a problem. But a best girl friend, no inappropriate sexual contact between you? Nah, the guy is controlling and is seeking to cut you off from other people who could help you and have your back. Take this as a very huge, very red flag that something is very wrong here. And look at the fact that you are essentially backing away and leaving your best friend hanging for a guy who just seems to have a problem with you being close to anyone else. Do you think that's acceptable behavior? Wouldn't you be alarmed if she started dating someone, the guy decided you were going to "steal her" from him and she then began lessening contact? Friends, best friends, close friends last a lifetime. Jealous controlling potentially abusive (yeah, I went there, it's one of the early warning signs of an abusive relationship, look it up) relationships are a dime a dozen and far less valuable--actually they have a negative value. Take another look at this guy's overall behavior, what you describe isn't normal. Uncalled for jealousy is a serious red flag. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Yes, he IS controlling. He IS jealous and insecure and has low self esteem. He wants to isolate you so he can control you. WHY would you lessen contact with this friend? Because HE said to? And he wants you to say something to her, but not tell her HE told you to? He doesn't like your family and, again, doesn't want you to tell them HE said so? HE has no friends and expects you not to have any? What about any of this seems NOT controlling to you? I was married to an antisocial (not sociopath, that's something different) man, who also had no friends and who felt that once I married him I was obligated to give up my friends. He felt married people should focus ONLY on each other (and on their children). He didn't even want to spent time with his own family! I divorced him. He wanted my world to be so small and I didn't want to live that way. He's now alone, with no friends, and I have lots of friends and activities. And no one to whine at me about them or try to passive-aggressively make me stop seeing them. Life is much better without someone trying to control you. Link to comment
Mfic99 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 That's it right there! The ex who cheated with a woman. This will be very hard to break, furthermore he has to be comfortable with you at some point exploring other woman or he is doomed personally. Read my threads and you will know I have been thru this. He has to learn you are not replacing him and as long as he feels his will be it will get worse Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 As some others have said, this is a huge red flag that he's starting to isolate you and control you. I think it is also a red flag that you are considering a swinger lifestyle. Given the jealousy that is already there, I see no way that could be successful. I would advise you to rethink marriage and try to work on your own controlling behaviors you mentioned in the next relationship. Link to comment
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