T/F: Men need to hold back strong emotions?

[Hugwolf]

True or false: Men need to be more reserved than women when it comes to sharing strong emotions- to seem more stable and unaffected by everything- and by doing so hopefully allow the woman to feel safe enough to display similarly strong emotions around her man.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot recently as a recent relationship comes to a close just as I did when the relationship before that ended as well. In both relationships there were huge red flags waving at the time things started to go wrong, but it seemed to me that my inability to stay centered and emotionally strong at these times contributed to things spiraling out of control. It's not like I completely lost my marbles or anything, but I was open about the anxiety I was feeling and openly expressed and discussed my fears rather than having an it’s-not-a-big-deal attitude.

 

I've known for a long time that I tend to approach problems more emotionally-open than most men I know. Maybe it’s because I was raised by a single mother? I don’t know. It is likely why I have more female friends than men. I like to work through my emotions by talking about them with people close to me, and women are much more receptive to such talk.

 

I wonder if it’s causing problems for me or if I just haven’t met someone stable enough to deal with it?

[mhowe]

There is a difference between "holding back strong emotions" and being "emotionally centered".

 

And, as far as a dating partner goes ---- expressing anxiety and fear too soon is a sign that you are not emotionally centered. Such discussions are more helpfully directed to a therapist or a close friend. Turning a partner into your therapist is a heavy load for them to carry.

 

No one needs to be "stable enough" to deal with YOUR insecurity. That is for YOU to deal with.

[Batya33]

I agree with Mhowe and think of it as being a giving person - by choosing not to subject the person to your strong emotions at a particular moment (maybe bad timing, maybe the person has her own stuff going on, maybe it's a new relationship) you're being giving and other-centered. As Mhowe put it you have other alternatives - a therapist, going to the gym, etc. I am married and sometimes I have to physically keep my mouth shut if I am particularly cranky or feeling negative and remind myself that it's not fair to subject my family to it.

 

I do think there are male stereotypes about strong silent type etc but I would tackle this as non-gendered for now.

[SapphireNoir10]

I always think it is completely dependent on the individual person and the different types of couples there are. I don't think it's a gender thing. It's a person thing. Everyone is so different it's impossible to apply certain rules.

 

I personally like people that can discuss how they are feeling with me no matter how intense. But thats just me.

[Hugwolf]

I have fears and anxieties about relationships but when those anxieties become visible to my partner I just open up and explain where they are coming from. It can be difficult to hide, and saying "nothing's wrong, I'm just having a bad day" doesn't seem right. But at the same time, I realize that sharing those fears may make my partner feel uncertain or insecure about things too, or fear getting hurt.

 

My ex expressed guilt to no end that ending the relationship would make me feel abandoned. It made me feel sad realizing that having told her about my past and how those experiences affect me in the present I may have made her anxieties worse. It feels good to open up and share with a partner, and to receive compassion from her in that moment, but later I wonder if the cost for that was basically becoming too needy.

[DancingFool]

"/snip... if I just haven’t met someone stable enough to deal with it."

 

^This is not about sharing, this is more about you putting a partner in the position of a free therapist who needs to center you, calm you and otherwise assist you. Even the strongest person will not want to carry that kind of a burden constantly and certainly not a lifetime of this. Sharing is good, but it sounds like you cross over the line where it's more using, creating pressure on the partner and otherwise bringing a lot of drama forward. That's a whole different ballgame from sharing.

[SpottiOtti]

It's not a bad thing to express your emotions, but you have to figure out when it is something the relationship will benefit from and when it's more about your stuff. DF's right; it's not fair to place your partner in the role of therapist by confessing every insecurity and doubt to her. There is no place in a healthy relationship for either party's unresolved issues.

[Hugwolf]

I agree with what everyone has said regarding my "stable enough" comment. Nobody but myself can be held responsible for my problems- we all have to carry our own weight and make equal effort in a relationship. I made the comment mostly because my recent partner blamed the relationship's failure on her anxiety disorder causing irrational fears around me, and told me I had done nothing wrong. That may be entirely true, but I have to wonder if my own insecurities did play a larger role as things became complicated about the same time I shared my own anxieties with her. And I realize I'm not responsible for her problems either. I'm just reflecting a lot over what happened.

[DancingFool]

It may be a case of like attracting like. Meaning that people who have their act together will seek out the same and people who have problems will be drawn to others with similar problems. So maybe before you seek another relationship, focus more on addressing your personal issues and anxieties and reaching a more stable place internally for yourself. Again, I'll emphasize that this is not about hiding or suppressing and presenting a stoic facade, it's about actually resolving the issues for yourself so that you attract different people to you.

[Hugwolf]

So maybe before you seek another relationship, focus more on addressing your personal issues and anxieties and reaching a more stable place internally for yourself.

I don't really know how to approach that any differently than I am now. I read a lot of self-help type books on the side about relationships and finding happiness in yourself, post here, etc. I try my best to look at my dating/relationship failures as learning experiences and move forward a bit wiser. With that said, this felt like a pretty healthy experience until things got complicated after five months. I think one or both of us had extenuating circumstances/baggage/lack of experience that prevented us from tackling what was going wrong. She had irrational fears of me while with me which probably prevented her from communicating effectively, for example, and I might not have kept my mouth shut about my temporary anxieties and freak-outs. Part of me posting here is exploring my thoughts in what went wrong and where I need to be more mindful of my weaknesses in the future.

[DancingFool]

Part of being more internally balanced is recognizing what is your problem and what isn't and what to walk away from. For example, her having irrational fears of you sounds kind of weird and like maybe you were trying too hard to make something work with someone you should have walked away from much faster. A case of work on your own problems, but don't adopt another person's problems as your own. Recognize where that line is.

[Hugwolf]

her having irrational fears of you sounds kind of weird and like maybe you were trying too hard to make something work with someone you should have walked away from much faster. A case of work on your own problems, but don't adopt another person's problems as your own. Recognize where that line is.

 

I think you are right. She was suffering from PSTD caused by abusive relationships and was having anxiety attacks and intrusive memories around me. She also just started a stressful school program around the same time. Regardless of whatever was causing her to pull away, it was clear she couldn't contribute anymore but I chose to keep riding along hoping something would change even when she kept expressing doubts that things were working. Perhaps someone else in my shoes would have dealt with it differently.

[DancingFool]

I think you are right. She was suffering from PSTD caused by abusive relationships and was having anxiety attacks and intrusive memories around me. She also just started a stressful school program around the same time. Regardless of whatever was causing her to pull away, it was clear she couldn't contribute anymore but I chose to keep riding along hoping something would change even when she kept expressing doubts that things were working. Perhaps someone else in my shoes would have dealt with it differently.

 

This sounds a lot like she shouldn't be seeking a relationship and instead work on going to therapy, dealing with her issues and most importantly learn that she can be on her own and be perfectly fine and good with that. As for you, when someone dumps those kinds of issues on the table, walk away early and fast. Do not get sucked into a fixer upper type relationship - it's not healthy for either one of you and it doesn't work out in the end.

[Sportster2005]

There is no T/F. Everyone is different. You will find a match.