Hugwolf

First post to this thread... 5 days NC, 7 days since breakup. Last time we communicated she was livid over something I had done. The day before, she was letting me go with much guilt and love and said it was a hard decision because she was giving up the best guy to come into her life, but now I think she hates me. The past week has been absolute hell. I feel guilty for making this much worse for both of us. Anyway, posting here for a bit seems like a good idea. I'm anxiously waiting for her to return my things because I half expect her to want to talk about what happened. I'm afraid to hear what she may say. I know it will be nothing good. I guess the best possible outcome would be her saying she isn't mad- I don't know. If she doesn't reach out though, I know part of me will want to check on her and the result of that would probably set me back.

Tell me what you want from me without being selfish or blind. I don't know what to do anymore. The only power I have between us now is to stay NC and work on myself but I am so afraid of losing my best friend and I know you are too. Tell me, am I doing the right thing? Are you happier now without me in your life than you would be with me fighting to be a better man in your life? I know I neglected your needs and I want to make it right. I am so worried that NC will push you away further when more attention and appreciation from me is what you need. I want to come back and give you that, but I can't when you are dating other people. It sends me the signal that you are trying to move on. It hurts me too much. You have to have faith in me. Please have faith in me to make you happy again.

I am sorry I was not always there for you in the relationship. I was there for you more in the beginning but I took you for granted and let so many things go. I loved you more than you think and it hurts me knowing that I did not express that to you and hold up my promises in the relationship. I am happy that you finally found the strength to leave and search for something better. I know this breakup is the best thing for both of us and I have accepted that it is over as best I can. Please understand that I need this space for myself now to relearn how to live on my own and cope with life’s problems alone like I was more than capable of doing when we fell in love nine years ago. You have no place in my life to worry about me anymore. You called my mom to make sure I would not wallow at home alone during the holidays. I found this to be sad and insulting; sad that you came to see me as somebody who cannot take care of them self, and insulting that you show this concern after leaving me. I do not want you to worry about me and you do not deserve to feel the need to either. I am not weak as you perceive me to be. I was lazy in the relationship. Laziness and weakness are not the same. Please respect my request for space so I can grow from this experience that you have made possible. I am moving on.