Is it okay that I sent her this message? Your thoughts needed

[abysmal]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible while getting to the point.

 

A girl who I was seeing for quite some time, somewhere in between being "just friends" and in a relationship, recently became somewhat distant with me out of the blue, despite our last get together being wonderful (she texted me saying she had such a wonderful time, etc.). When we were together all that time, nothing materialized, and I think that is due in part to me having never initiated anything romantic with her. Through years of unrequited love I have become insecure and I feel ugly, unattractive and undesirable. Anyways, she kept seeing me so I feel like there must have been something she liked about me. And we cuddled together one evening and she made very subtle insinuations, but again, I didn't take initiative. She wouldn't mind though, holding hands with me (her taking the initiative) and being seen in couples' fashion in public with me.

 

After our last get together I began to text her less often. I would keep my phone off and I still do quite often. The anxiety of worrying about things with her just got to me and I would leave it off for days at a time. Finally I asked to get together one weekend and she said that she had a date scheduled on that day. The next evening she texted me, saying that he had "bailed" on her, but again, I didn't see this until the next day because I had my phone off. When I read that I felt not jealousy but the need to let her know that I felt regret about the past. I told her that it was urgent that we talk, but I went ahead and texted her.

 

What I said, to paraphrase because I have my phone off, is as follows:

 

I let her know that I didn't know how to tell her but that I was sorry that I wasn't assertive with expressing my feelings in the past. I let her know that those feelings were there, but that I didn't want to be forward with her too soon, and that my concern was that I truly get to know her and be close to her as a good friend. And I told her that over time it just became more and more difficult to express those feelings that I had. I told her that I didn't expect her to want to be with me at this point (I really don't), but that I wanted to get that off my chest because it had been bothering me that I never told her. And I said that all I ask is that we spend time together when we can, "because I miss you and many of my happiest moments are spent with you." My love for her and appreciation transcends any hope of trying to win her over. I just want her around. All this was said in a polite and articulate/eloquent manner.

 

Problem is I have been mulling over what I said and I haven't turned on my phone to see if she's replied. The anxiety is killing me. It's been a week. What I want to know is, aside from it being too late, is it okay that I let her know? I just needed to get that burden off my shoulders. And the manner in which it was said was genial and calm. I didn't beg or whine either, I just put it out there. Was this okay?

[boyblue]

I told her that I didn't expect her to want to be with me at this point (I really don't), but that I wanted to get that off my chest because it had been bothering me that I never told her. And I said that all I ask is that we spend time together when we can, "because I miss you and many of my happiest moments are spent with you."

 

So you told her that you didn't expect her to want to be with you, but then you said we should spend time together? I'm quite sure this girl is very confused and making plans to find someone else while she keeps you on the backburner. What you said has basically given all your power to her, you'll get no respect from her and she'll treat you like a doormat, until she finds someone else that is.

 

What you are acting like is a needy person and acting very emotional not like a man. Exactly what are you trying to achieve with this girl?

 

BB

[missmarple]

Your message doesn't matter if you keep your phone off. If I were that girl, I would think you're playing games when you send such a message and then I can't reach you because your phone is off!

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think trying to be friends with someone you feel like you are in love with/feel love for works. It just creates drama and confusion.

 

I think you'll keep yourself in limbo until she gets a bf and distances herself from you.

[chamachama]

Edited: I didn't see the part about you not actually ever being with her. I thought she was your ex. Sorry! Ok, in that case, you need to man the f up and hang out with her, romance her...and take the freaking plunge already. If you don't you will always wonder what might have been...

 

As far as your note... meh I wouldn't have played it that way. It is what it is though. See if she replies. If she does then move to the plan above asap.

 

But for your own sanity stop being her fake friend who deep inside wants to bone her. And no more wishy washy messages. Would you find that attractive if a girl sent you that? Think about what actually attracts you... Same for girls man. You need to take control and man up and show her that you are strong and fun and confident and romantic...

 

Looks actually matter less than most people think. Personality goes farther than looks for the most part.. And by personality I mean being confident, assertive, strong, fun, funny, intelligent, passionate... cool all the things that most females dig...

 

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Hell, if I were you I would tell her that you were drunk when you wrote that and try and make a joke about it. Make her laugh about it. Everyone has sent a drunk note or two that they regretted.... She might find it cute and funny of you are like "Omg I sent that when I was out drinking and lost my freaking phone after!! BUT if you promise not to rip on me too hard for that, I might be able to be convinced to take you out "... Something like that..

[relevart]

Dude;

 

Turn your phone on.

[kitkat620]

Wow. You confuse me. Why would you text less after a fantastic night together? Why would you turn your phone off after sending her that message chock full of the positive feelings you have for her, knowing full well that she would be trying to contact you in response?

If your anxiety is that severe I think it's time to seek some professional help to work on your self esteem. This girl is probably thoroughly confused by you also. Your actions speak volumes no matter how much you've poured your heart out in the text you sent her. You are making yourself unavailable which in turn she will take as disinterest.

[Capricorn3]

Turn your phone on! What's the point of sending her those messages (expecting a reply), but then you switch your phone off? What for? You're dying to know/see her response, but the phone is off. Does that make any sense to you. You are creating a big drama here and it will only backfire on you and make you look like a fool.

[notalady]

Geez this is way too confusing. You sent her that message then turned your phone off for a week?! What the! If you want to know the response, turn the freaking phone on!! The message was a bit OTT, you could have just asked her out on a date instead, there's no such thing as "too late" when she's still single, but clearly your anxiety and lack of confidence is stopping you from doing so.

 

I think you need to see someone about your anxiety problem.

[abysmal]

I didn't expect this many replies and I just want to say that I appreciate the responses very much so.

 

The same anxiety that I feel with expressing myself physically also translates into communication via texting, etc. I know it's confusing and it doesn't make sense, but I never want to be a burden with people and so I keep texting to a minimum. I don't feel interesting enough to likely keep momentum up day after day. I developed the habit, or preference, rather, of leaving my phone off to create a barrier between myself and romantic interests because in the past when people would infrequently reply or not at all, it would really bother me. So with turning my phone off I can deal with the anxiety on my own time and separate myself from the situation so that I'm not waiting by the phone and letting that distract me and get to me.

 

I know for certain that I do need to stop coming accross as indecisive. You guys are right! And I agree that it's probably time for some strategic counseling. I honestly don't know what my end game is. I have the desire to be with her romantically but not sexually.. I just don't feel like I would be ready for that aspect of a relationship, regardless of whom it is I am with. It's not a priority for me. I just want to be close to someone special and treat them well. I want her around because I love her personality and a lot about who she is I find very endearing. In saying what I said, I wanted to convey to her that I had romantic feelings, I wanted to kiss her and show romantic gestures and so forth, but that it was more important to me that we be close friends and I realize in waiting around that I missed a wonderful opportunity to be close to her, because in the back of my mind I feel like we'll inevitably drift apart with the status quo. I'll be honest, I would prefer to be in a relationship with her, but I will settle for what she'd give me because after building a strong rapport, I would hate for her to not be around at all. And so I don't expect anything more than where we're at/where we left off. I want to secure that.

[luxurylover]

first turn on your phone! better to know than not know. if I tried to call a guy that had just sent me something like that and called him right after to see that his phone was going to voicemail id be wondering, sitting there waiting after a week. what if she's been trying to reach out, or talk, what if she feels the same way, how would u know with phone off?

 

secondly, stop being so hard on urself. I saw so many negative references to your person in that OP. that can come off to other people when we interact with them whether we know it or not.

 

third, start taking the initiative. most women prefer a guy that takes the lead and at least does "some" of the initiating if not most. and you know what, if she doesn't respond to it u just try a little more, and if she still doesn't then u move on. all that timid behavior and down talking yourself isn't going to win anyone over. believe in you!

 

and the message was fine. any message said in a nice way that expresses ur true feelings is fine. many ppl would most likely disagree and encourage you to do some "tactical texting" but I believe in straightshooting with the right timing said in a nice way and you cant go wrong. life is short, enough beating around the bush

[luxurylover]

I developed the habit, or preference, rather, of leaving my phone off to create a barrier between myself and romantic interests because in the past when people would infrequently reply or not at all, it would really bother me.

 

so you turn around and do the exact same thing to other people? no, this is not good! treat others the way youd like to be treated!

[notalady]

Sounds like a lot of unresolved emotional issues and fear, I think you should definitely see someone about it and work on improving the situation before dating anyone.

[Sportster2005]

Problem is I have been mulling over what I said and I haven't turned on my phone to see if she's replied. The anxiety is killing me. It's been a week. What I want to know is, aside from it being too late, is it okay that I let her know? I just needed to get that burden off my shoulders. And the manner in which it was said was genial and calm. I didn't beg or whine either, I just put it out there. Was this okay?

 

Without knowing your true intentions know one can tell you if it's O.K. You claim you did it to get it off your chest. If it is off your chest than it's O.K. Are you being honest? Is this your only agenda? If you were trying the sympathy angle in hopes of achieving something, it's an abject failure. And that approach always will.

 

Between now and the next time do something to improve your confidence. You may need to seek help for anxiety. I doesn't strike me as healthy to leave your phone off to avoid anxiety. Your anxiety is controlling you way too much.

[chamachama]

I honestly don't know what my end game is. I have the desire to be with her romantically but not sexually.. I just don't feel like I would be ready for that aspect of a relationship, regardless of whom it is I am with. It's not a priority for me. I just want to be close to someone special and treat them well. I want her around because I love her personality and a lot about who she is I find very endearing.

 

And that's exactly why you won't have her. You are missing one very important thing man. Its not just about what you want. Its what she wants too. And I highly doubt that she would open herself up to you in the way you're describing without wanting to also be sexually intimate with you. She probably doesn't have the same hangups and she was most likely waiting for you to kiss her that time you guys were cuddling all night. Eventually she may even start getting self conscious about why you won't consider her for anything but a hug. So you see, you're not thinking about what she wants. You're thinking about what you want and what you are ok with. Put it this way, would you be ok with being intimately close to her without sex, and her getting that need taken care of elsewhere??? After a while that situation would hurt you.

 

I think you might need some help sorting out some intimacy issues man. I would consider talking to someone like a therapist who specializes in that sort of thing about it. You seem like a good guy. She likes to be close to you. I bet you would be surprised how small of a step it would be to have actual healthy real mutual adult intimacy with her.