Ms Darcy Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 You're right, and I swore she was someone who would do that, and to find that she wasn't just really stings. I told her she was family months ago, and regularly and I just can't believe she walked out On me as family, whether she loves me or not. It sucks hard to wake up from a dream about her and realize she chose not to be here, it's gutwrenching. I think this is where most people (myself included) have made our biggest mistake. A girlfriend is a girlfriend. A wife is a wife. A relationship is a relationship. A marriage is a marriage. A girlfriend is not a wife. A relationship is not (necessarily) a marriage. Now if you were married, I would agree that she's family and that walking away was not right without counseling. But she wasn't family. Dating is the period where you DETERMINE if you are compatible for the long run. And in relationships there are often checkpoints - 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year, and 2 years when relationships break up. For most people in western cultures, the average number of relationships before marriage is 3-4 depending on age and gender. Further, the older someone is the more likely a marriage - if it occurs - is to last. When you are sitting with you wife of 50 years, you'll be happy it was with someone who was ready for the long-term with you/had to the same goals. Link to comment
ManyDissapoint Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Hey man I really feel your pain. My ex gf left me in very similar circumstances back in November. We struggled for just over two years working at my business and right when we were about to move to where she wanted to live to be close to her family she decided that she wants to do that but without me. She has a history of running away from people and problems...I thought I would be the exception but I was not. We got together at the age that you guys are now. She was 25 at the time of the split. I understand that at that age people are not necessarily ready to commit to life long relationships. I was, and she fooled me into thinking that she was too. The I love yous and plans for what house we will buy happened literally up to the day before the breakup. It's some really really rough stuff you're going through and I feel it man. I'm with BrokenGator on this one. Don't pretend to be in a committed relationship when you have no intention of working on problems. Don't waste the time and hearts of good people. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 I just believe she still loves me and I know I love her and I just don't understand why I can't fix it and it really just sucks. When were you able to wake up and actually not want that future and actually want to get over it? How long did it take for you to stop looking at your phone and believe she was calling or that you just had a text from her? Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 I also really want to reach out to her again and say I know we can work thru it and that I want to fix it. That when faced with a life in the area that I want vs a life with her, I want the life with her. I don't want to beg and I dint want to feel more miserable if she says no but Her and that future of Us are the most important things. I (not really) but almost with I did something wrong or treated her badly so I could point to myself and understand and understand why she won't work thru it with me. Are these thoughts normal? Should I look into therapy? Link to comment
The_411 Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 First, everyone has been there so we can all tell you it gets better but there no exact timeframe as to when. Second, I've found that the best way to deal with this is address how you feel and avoid trying to piece together what she is thinking. Third try to stay away from the what if game. Ultimately your sadness and loss is more about having to start over and feeling unworthy because someone rejected you. The reality is that this girl leaving is the best thing for you although you can't see it yet. Ignore the one concept or true love idealism. What it comes down to is understanding that all relationships end at some point and you can only control your actions. Appreciate the relationship for what is was and know that if you work on things in your life that need work another relationship will come along. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 It's just all these memories keep flooding back of her doing nice things and supporting me and me doing the same for her. Thinking of all the fun we had too and how that's never going to happen again. How the future we had planned together is never going to happen. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 One day at a time and it slowly gets better, definitely not in weeks, probably closer to a year since you lived together and you were the one dumped. Stay no contact that helps tremendously. Any convo u have with her or looking at her social media will set you back, been there done that! She wanted out and there is zero you can say or do to change her mind. If she ever came back by then you probably won't want her back, that happened to me years ago. It just takes time though. Good luck hang in there Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 What kills me is that she was so conflicted when she did it. I want to write her a note and explain some issues and feelings but I haven't yet cause I'm scared once I do and hit that send button, I may never hear anything back. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 What kills me is that she was so conflicted when she did it. I want to write her a note and explain some issues and feelings but I haven't yet cause I'm scared once I do and hit that send button, I may never hear anything back. Dude... I know what you're feeling, thinking, and going through. She threw you out in the trash with the rotten fish. If she valued you and cherished you, she wouldn't have treated you like garbage. She isn't worth your time. She traded you in for someone else and in her mind she thinks she traded up. Why are you willing to pine for someone who essentially feed you bs for all those years with so many empty promises of marriage and kids??? Leave her alone so she does the same thing for her new guy. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 What kills me is that she was so conflicted when she did it. I want to write her a note and explain some issues and feelings but I haven't yet cause I'm scared once I do and hit that send button, I may never hear anything back. She didn't throw you out like a piece of trash. She was conflicted. It was hard. You cared about each other and real feelings were there. If you are not ready to hear anything (including nothing), then silence is the best answer. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, but if I never send that note then I'll never know what could have been. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, but if I never send that note then I'll never know what could have been. You don't need to send the note to know what could have happened. Trust me, you already saw how the story ends. Do not send the letter. Besides you don't want someone to come back because you begged them to come back. You want them to come back only because they wanted to. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I feel like she left over some miscommunications in addition to real problems though and I want to address the miscommunications, Ya know? Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I feel like she left over some miscommunications in addition to real problems though and I want to address the miscommunications, Ya know? What do you think she misunderstood that resulted in her emotionally cheating on you before she broke up with you? Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 What do you mean emotionally cheat? There is no other guy in the picture. I think she misunderstood flexibility on future plans and never made it known what she was looking for as far as future plans, among other things. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 What do you mean emotionally cheat? There is no other guy in the picture. I think she misunderstood flexibility on future plans and never made it known what she was looking for as far as future plans, among other things. Dude, I'm really sorry. I was thinking about someone else here. Please excuse me. I have been doing some 3-day volunteer event mentally draining me for 12 hours a day. But didn't she tell you she wanted a future with you? Marriage? Kids? I see that as a future with strong commitment. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, but we differed on opinions on where to live and how to fix my relationship with her family and just had some various communication issues along the way. We were fully devoted to each other for two years with no major fights. She told me how much she loved me the night before she left. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, but we differed on opinions on where to live and how to fix my relationship with her family and just had some various communication issues along the way. We were fully devoted to each other for two years with no major fights. She told me how much she loved me the night before she left. Although where to live is a huge decision to make, it shouldn't be a deal breaker. Families need to make that decision every once in a while. So if you didn't have to make that decision before marrying someone, you will probably have to make the decision one or more times during a marriage. So how is it possible that she was fully devoted for two years to you and no major fights yet she broke up with you after telling you how much she loved you? Something doesn't make sense with her. What happened between you and her parents? Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 She decided to change her priorities during grad school. She was once going to travel the world and be a scientist but then she decided she did not want that and wanted to settle down. They blamed me for that. Her mom has been talking bad about me to her for our entire relationship because of her past issues so I have been uncomfortable there. I also think she fears that I'm way too tied to this area, which I said I was but she never communicated that was a Major problem and I said we would work thru it together but she didn't think I could. This is also why I was completely blind sided Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 She decided to change her priorities during grad school. She was once going to travel the world and be a scientist but then she decided she did not want that and wanted to settle down. They blamed me for that. Her mom has been talking bad about me to her for our entire relationship because of her past issues so I have been uncomfortable there. I also think she fears that I'm way too tied to this area, which I said I was but she never communicated that was a Major problem and I said we would work thru it together but she didn't think I could. This is also why I was completely blind sided So it's possible that she was pressured by her family to do what she did. She couldn't handle the pressure because like you said she just wanted to coast through life and be happy. Whatever the case may be, she chose to break up with you. That's really the bottom line here. I still think she very immature. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, which is why I want to send one letter, not to beg but to clarify things and tell her what I want from her and what she should expect from me and to see if that changes anything. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, which is why I want to send one letter, not to beg but to clarify things and tell her what I want from her and what she should expect from me and to see if that changes anything. I'm not sure that is enough justification to write her a letter. She has to be mature enough to think and make decisions on her own without having to be influenced by her family and friends to run her life. Is she the type that wants to also make everyone else happy too? A people pleaser? Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, she takes it badly when she can't make everyone happy. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, she takes it badly when she can't make everyone happy. Yeah. You can't change someone like that. Imagine you're married to her with kids and her friends and family are constantly telling her how she should run her family. So not only would you have had disagreements with her, you would have had disagreements with her friends and family disguised as her. She would have practically been the "proxy" or "gateway" to everyone else's opinions. A real partner would have told their friends and family: "I appreciate your concern and I will take it into consideration, but this is something between him and I." Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, I just believed that this part was her youth and that she would out grow that. Link to comment
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