Long term gf left

[BrokenGator]

And I knew those red flags were less than ideal, but we had made it so far, she was supposed to be moving much closer in April and I thought the majority of those issues would resolve when that pressure was lifted and we would work thru the rest together.

Why do you think your friends and family are not right when they say she is immature? Let me tell you, your thought process is very similar to mine right after my exgf broke up with me. Like you, my goals and aspersions haven't changed after the break up yet I yearned to rekindle the lost relationship so that I could meet my goals. However, I learned that those goals are better suited with someone else who wants to be with me and shares the same goals as me. Why would I want to force someone to be with me?

[BrokenGator]

Actually there doesn't. Not everyone has an answer for why they aren't feeling "it" anymore. People's feelings just change and some relationships aren't built to last, no matter how wonderfully they start out. If someone doesn't feel enough to stay in a relationship then there is nothing they can say other than they just aren't feeling the same anymore.

 

And those are the ones people need to stay away from. Life isn't a Disney movie.

[edjones87]

I don't want to force her at all. She knew my goals from the beginning. She said she wanted all those things (or at the bare minimum wasn't against those things) but then recently she said she felt trapped by them. I told her we will work on them together, as she was coming a lot closer in April regardless of me. Regarding the immature part, I just have a hard time that my friends, family or I did not see it in the whole relationship.

[BrokenGator]

I don't want to force her at all. She knew my goals from the beginning. She said she wanted all those things (or at the bare minimum wasn't against those things) but then recently she said she felt trapped by them. I told her we will work on them together, as she was coming a lot closer in April regardless of me. Regarding the immature part, I just have a hard time that my friends, family or I did not see it in the whole relationship.

And why do you think those aren't signs of immaturity? I also commend you for trying to work through your differences. Trust me I feel your pain.

[edjones87]

I just can't stop believing I did something wrong or different and that it might be fixable to make both of us happy. I said we could compromise on things but I never feel like she believed me, I could have done that better. I don't know, I'm just feeling really lost.

[BrokenGator]

I just can't stop believing I did something wrong or different and that it might be fixable to make both of us happy. I said we could compromise on things but I never feel like she believed me, I could have done that better. I don't know, I'm just feeling really lost.

You didn't do anything wrong. You were cognizant enough to see a difference in goals and you were mature enough to work on finding a middle ground. Her response was to just shut you out and bail on the relationship. Tell me, how would you have expected a gf that loved you and was committed to you and the relationship to act like in the face of a difference in goals after you offering to work on a middle ground?

[Tanzi]

And those are the ones people need to stay away from. Life isn't a Disney movie.

 

That's just silly. People fall out of love all the time. It happens. It doesn't make them bad people. It just means the relationship wasn't working out for them anymore. I'm really not sure why you find that so exceptional. In the grand scheme of things a two year relationship is a drop in the ocean. It isn't a marriage and it isn't a promise of one either. Until two people are ready to pledge themselves to each other for the rest of their lives in such a way there is every chance that one or both parties may come to realise that the relationship they are in is not for them anymore. Dumpers are not all bad people.

 

And, no, life isn't a Disney movie which is why most relationships don't have a fairy tale ending. When I look back over my dating years I had a number of relationships that ended around the 2 year mark. I can see now that we were either two young, incompatible or just not ready for a life long commitment. That doesn't mean either me or the person I was involved with are "the ones people need to stay away from" just because we had no other reason to end the relationship other than it just didn't feel right anymore (and for the record I a mostly the dumpee). It doesn't mean we had a bad relationship or were cheated on or mistreated in any way. It just wasn't built to last.

 

If the love has gone what else can one do?

[edjones87]

Like she had reacted the other times we had this conversation. We had never had a reason to resolve it because there was nothing to reallt resolve yet. She had just told me she just said that I always said we could work it out but there would still be the issue because she didn't know how we would find the middle ground and you can't without concrete facts. I'm generally a rigid guy, and I get that, but I told her I would compromise.

[BrokenGator]

Many people look for the fairy tail ending which is why those people bail when the fuzzies are no longer there. You talk about commitment in a marriage... People don't care if they are married or not when it comes to making a decision to bail when it comes to feelings. Many people seem to have a very unrealistic view on what a long term relationship is supposed to be and feel like. Being in a long term relationship is much bigger than love.

 

I didn't say they were bad. I said they were unrealistic and immature.

 

The honeymoon phase usually lasts around 1.5 years.. Which is why many many relationships end after two years. Correlation and causality at play here.

[Tanzi]

Many people look for the fairy tail ending which is why those people bail when the fuzzies are no longer there. You talk about commitment in a marriage... People don't care if they are married or not when it comes to making a decision to bail when it comes to feelings. Many people seem to have a very unrealistic view on what a long term relationship is supposed to be and feel like. Being in a long term relationship is much bigger than love.

 

I didn't say they were bad. I said they were unrealistic and immature.

 

The honeymoon phase usually lasts around 1.5 years.. Which is why many many relationships end after two years. Correlation and causality at play here.

 

Sometimes it is far more simpler than that. Sometimes people just fall out of love. It isn't them. It isn't us … and we have to accept that there is/was nothing we could have done differently that would have changed the outcome.

 

That being said I do realise that some people are addicted to the "fuzzies" … my ex-husband for starters.

[edjones87]

We were definitely still in love. She held me so tight every time we traveled to see each other and her face lit up 90% of those times too. I can't believe it was a lack of love.

[BrokenGator]

Like she had reacted the other times we had this conversation. We had never had a reason to resolve it because there was nothing to reallt resolve yet. She had just told me she just said that I always said we could work it out but there would still be the issue because she didn't know how we would find the middle ground and you can't without concrete facts. I'm generally a rigid guy, and I get that, but I told her I would compromise.

 

What do you mean by your original post that she wanted to go anywhere for work? Why doesn't "anywhere" include where you want to work? Is she looking for a job that can only be found in certain cities? Why do you have to live near where you grew up?

[BrokenGator]

We were definitely still in love. She held me so tight every time we traveled to see each other and her face lit up 90% of those times too. I can't believe it was a lack of love.

 

Sounds exactly like my exgf. She was professing her love for me (to me, all her friends, family, and coworkers) non-stop for two years and then in November decided to date the guy she emotionally cheated on me with. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. This is why I only look at the bottom line. The reality of the situation for me is that if I take away all my exgf's words, her actions at the end told a completely different story.

[edjones87]

I'm asking myself that question a lot. I am really close to my family, and I have a really good job around here. But I could most likely find a job somewhere else. This area is all I've really ever known at age 28. She wants to be able to find a job anywhere and wants to make that decision. She used to think finding a job in this area would be great but lately she's said she feels trapped even looking (she has used that word about many things not involving our relationship). I was the most supportive person in the world, she even said that when she said we could give it another Chance before she changed her mind. Again, I thought this had to do with the discouragement of finding a job and not our relationship. I told her I could try to leave and would be willing to if it would make her happy and she said I would never be happy doing so. I can look back and see these things now that its over but no matter what I said to her when she was breaking up with me, she said it was too late.

[BrokenGator]

Why would she make assumptions on what would and wouldn't make you happy? Was she the type that had trouble communicating her thoughts and feelings? This whole "feeling trapped" thing just seems to weird to me. I've heard it before and I just can't wrap my head around it. Do you think its possible that this whole moving thing is just an excuse to break up?

[edjones87]

Yes, she had a very hard time communicating her thoughts and feelings, admittingly so. She hadn't been in many relationships prior to this. I don't understand why it would be an excuse, as any job she finds will most likely be much closer than she currently is anyways. She never gave the indication that she wanted to break up. literally, the day before she was talking about our future, unprompted. As you've seen from earlier posts, the relationship wasn't perfect but there was a lot of love and a lot of hope.

[BrokenGator]

Yes, she had a very hard time communicating her thoughts and feelings, admittingly so. She hadn't been in many relationships prior to this. I don't understand why it would be an excuse, as any job she finds will most likely be much closer than she currently is anyways. She never gave the indication that she wanted to break up. literally, the day before she was talking about our future, unprompted. As you've seen from earlier posts, the relationship wasn't perfect but there was a lot of love and a lot of hope.

 

No relationship is perfect so stop questioning that as the source of failure. Honestly, I think the way she just packed her stuff and ran literally over night is a good indication of her personally. Think back, has she shown this type of behavior before with other people, things, or activities? Seems like she just keeps flipping her wants and goals. Maybe she wanted to keep her options open for where to live because she wants to feel like the ability of just bolting to some new location at a moment's notice is a viable choice she can make.... it makes her feel "untrapped" and free to roam where she pleases.

 

Do you think these quality would work in a marriage? How about a marriage with kids?

[edjones87]

It's so hard to reconcile that because she didn't leave me when she moved hours away. She worked so hard to stay together thru all the stressful long distance we went thru. Her wants and goals (professionally) have shifted multiple times, but never with me. So, it's out of the character for me to see this, as she used to tell me I'm the only thing she was sure she wanted. the worst is I think she still does but Her mind has been made up and reinforced by others. Like when she was in the middle of the breakup I said don't do it and she had said it's too late to turn back now..

[BrokenGator]

I think you should focus on the bottom line here. She left you literally overnight with no notice. The words meant nothing if she didn't follow through with them. You need to keep reminding yourself and focus on the fact that she just bailed on you. No point in trying to reconcile the words with the actions because at the end of the day, the actions are what matter and tell the truth. Trust me, I feel your pain. Go read my story on here. You say you're Christian right? You just trust that God did the right thing for you. I laugh now that time is healing my head and heart but I will tell you that I was getting ready to ask her parents for her hand in marriage and I prayed to God for some guidance. One week later, she broke up with me.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, she was living alone (with a roommate she wasn't close to) doing work in another state. We alternated weekends driving hours to see each other. She had no friends out there and I had neglected most of my friendships just to make each other the biggest part of our lives.

 

I think you underestimate the emotional vacuum it creates when you are dependent on each other. It creates a feeling of suffocation and resentment towards the other person.

 

I don't want to force her at all. She knew my goals from the beginning. She said she wanted all those things (or at the bare minimum wasn't against those things) but then recently she said she felt trapped by them. I told her we will work on them together, as she was coming a lot closer in April regardless of me.

 

She was 23 and realizing that what she wanted - in terms of freedom to seek professional opportunities - at 23 was shifting from what she wanted at 21. That seems like growth to me.

 

I'm generally a rigid guy, and I get that, but I told her I would compromise.

 

I am guessing your "rigidity" has a lot to do with her lack of communication and the way the relationship ended. For example, she may have felt that you would "compromise" unwillingly. It's hard to say ... but I suspect there is a lot on the other side of this.

 

I'm asking myself that question a lot. I am really close to my family, and I have a really good job around here. But I could most likely find a job somewhere else. This area is all I've really ever known at age 28. She wants to be able to find a job anywhere and wants to make that decision. She used to think finding a job in this area would be great but lately she's said she feels trapped even looking (she has used that word about many things not involving our relationship). I was the most supportive person in the world, she even said that when she said we could give it another Chance before she changed her mind.

 

This sounds like a need for personal freedom.

 

Her wants and goals (professionally) have shifted multiple times, but never with me.

 

Again, with the growth theme.

[edjones87]

How long ago did it happen? Did you ever want to move on or did it just happen? Right now, it scares me to even want to move on, much less move on.

[BrokenGator]

How long ago did it happen? Did you ever want to move on or did it just happen? Right now, it scares me to even want to move on, much less move on.

 

This happened in November. I didn't want to move on at first but when I learned later that she was sneaking around with another guy (who I suspected her having strange interactions with before breakup) I moved on because at that point I decided that I didn't want her back. You should move on no matter what to give yourself a mental and emotional break. There is nothing you can do at this point to make her change her mind. She has to wake up one day and realize that she can't run away from her problems and she needs to learn how to be a mature woman and face disagreements with the person she claims to love and come up with a solution that would work for both people in the relationship. There is absolutely nothing you can do to get her to understand that. She has the need to run. And the more you run after her, the quicker she's going to run in the opposite direction.

[edjones87]

You're right about everything and logically I know it, but I have this in me that I can't stop thinking I did something wrong and if I just would have done more activities only she wanted or spent more time at her family's or not been so interested in staying near home in the future. Maybe it's crap but it also might not be. Thank you for everything

[BrokenGator]

You're right about everything and logically I know it, but I have this in me that I can't stop thinking I did something wrong and if I just would have done more activities only she wanted or spent more time at her family's or not been so interested in staying near home in the future. Maybe it's crap but it also might not be. Thank you for everything

 

It's normal to think that way. But let's say that she did bail because you didn't do enough activities. Do you think that is a really good reason to quit a long-term relationship? If it took something that "small" convince her to breakup with you, then what the heck is she going to handle the real, big issues in the context of a family??? Imagine you lost your job, you have financial issues, and you have a close family member who is very sick in the hospital all happening at the same time. You think someone who just freaking quits on you the way she did will be able to cope and help you cope through that imaginary issue that many, many families commonly experience? You want to marry a partner who will be there to support the crap out of you and her marriage/family no matter what. You want a fighter not a coward (I don't mean to be offensive)!

[edjones87]

You're right, and I swore she was someone who would do that, and to find that she wasn't just really stings. I told her she was family months ago, and regularly and I just can't believe she walked out On me as family, whether she loves me or not. It sucks hard to wake up from a dream about her and realize she chose not to be here, it's gutwrenching.