Long term gf left

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think he should be upset at all. It is fine to grieve the end of the relationship, but it had more to do with lack of compatibility and different places in life than any of the negative attributes assigned by you.

 

There is no need to vilify an ex. Life goes on.

 

Completely agree. And I think vilifying can make healing take longer because one gets invested in those negative emotions.

[Tanzi]

Actually, I'm old enough to understand the differences between being mature and immature in a relationship. If it takes someone two years to figure out what their goals and values are then they were immature about those details when they first got into that relationship. This is pretty straight forward to me. Just because it may comes accross as bitter doesn't mean it's not true.

 

Relationships can end at any point .... 2 months, 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, 5 years ... or, like my marriage, after 13 years. You cannot put any (or all) of those break ups under one category (cheatimg or abuse aside). Two people, especially, when younger can enjoy a relationship until it has run it's natural course without ever having been ready to think about long-term goals such as marriage. By your logic, every relationship that lasts for roughly two years should end in marriage. That means I should still be with the guy I dated at 17 then. I've never heard anything so narrow minded. Your theory is pretty off base. Relationships can end for any number of reasons other than "immaturity".

[BrokenGator]

Relationships can end at any point .... 2 months, 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, 5 years ... or, like my marriage, after 13 years. You cannot put any (or all) of those break ups under one category (cheatimg or abuse aside). Two people, especially, when younger can enjoy a relationship until it has run it's natural course without ever having been ready to think about long-term goals such as marriage. By your logic, every relationship that lasts for roughly two years should end in marriage. That means I should still be with the guy I dated at 17 then. I've never heard anything so narrow minded. Your theory is pretty off base. Relationships can end for any number of reasons other than "immaturity".

 

I didn't say it had to end in marriage. And where did I say all break ups fall under one category?? Haha that's funny. I am going by what is shared by whomever is posting. If someone is talking about getting married and talking about how crazy in love they are, then break up because they are bored and nothing else really happened (cheating, abuse, etc), then they either lied or over stated their love or are just too immature to understand what love is or what it means and how it transforms over time. Pretty straight forward. The two year mark seems to be a very very common time period for breakups because of the post honeymoon period.

[Tanzi]

I didn't say it had to end in marriage. And where did I say all break ups fall under one category?? Haha that's funny. I am going by what is shared by whomever is posting. If someone is talking about getting married and talking about how crazy in love they are, then break up because they are bored and nothing else really happened (cheating, abuse, etc), then they either lied or over stated their love or are just too immature to understand what love is or what it means and how it transforms over time. Pretty straight forward. The two year mark seems to be a very very common time period for breakups because of the post honeymoon period.

 

You are so very blinkered. Don't you understand that people can change as they grow emotionally? Can you really not accept that people can fall out of love or that they can grow into a different person (with different goals) than the one they were in the beginning of the relationship? Your theory is that they either lied or are just immature. It is more likely that they've actully matured and want to experience a lot more of life before settling down. You aren't allowing for personal growth. Your theory is very flawed. Quite simply people's feelings can change. It doesnt mean they lied or that they are immature or that they don't understand love. It simply means they have fallen out of love. It is very, very possible. This may be your theory for your own experiences but it is wrong to assume it to be the case with every other break up.

 

Acording to you I'm "someone to be avoided" because I ended a relationship after two years (some years ago now when I was on my early 20's). That's how simple it is in your mind. Yet you are so wrong. You don't know me any more than you know the OP's girlfriend or her reasons for ending the relationship.

[BrokenGator]

It's the definition of immaturity when someone doesn't know what they want, like, career, where to live, deciding between parents/bf. And like I said before, people who bail after the honeymoon phase is over, weren't really committed to the relationship -- they were just committed to the feelings of the relationship. Relationships and love is not about the butterfly feelings.

[mhowe]

It's the definition of immaturity when someone doesn't know what they want, like, career, where to live, deciding between parents/bf. And like I said before, people who bail after the honeymoon phase is over, weren't really committed to the relationship -- they were just committed to the feelings of the relationship. Relationships and love is not about the butterfly feelings.

 

You have tried to say the same thing 7x by saying the same thing.

 

People who leave a relationship do so because it is no longer meeting their needs. Period.

 

People who don't know what they want (especially at age 21-25) are simply exploring and growing. That doesn't make them immature.

[BrokenGator]

You have tried to say the same thing 7x by saying the same thing.

 

People who leave a relationship do so because it is no longer meeting their needs. Period.

 

People who don't know what they want (especially at age 21-25) are simply exploring and growing. That doesn't make them immature.

 

Absolutely people can leave for whatever reason they want, its a free country. But if one person's needs is stability and long-term commitment, and the other person's needs is to just enjoy the butterflies, then the person who is looking for commitment shouldn't want someone who is just chasing butterflies.

 

"... exploring and growing" is the definition of "immaturity" -- someone who isn't fully developed. "Maturity" is when they become developed. These are not my definitions... these are the definitions in the dictionary. Will they eventually become mature and know what they want? Sure, maybe they will, maybe they won't because people mature at different rates.

 

Anyway, we are digressing from the original topic here. OP, how are things going? How are you feeling? Thinking? Anything new?

[mhowe]

If one person need stability and long term commitment and the other person doesn't --- then it was a mistake to get together in the first place.

 

And as a guideline --- most 18-25 yr olds are not looking for stability and long term commitment. They are entering into relationships for the first time, finding careers, living independently.

 

No one is ever fully developed. That it is what life is about ---- exploring and growing. I am not the same person I was at 25, or 35 -- or 45.

 

Your life would become much easier if you expanded your thinking. To allow people to change.

[BrokenGator]

If one person need stability and long term commitment and the other person doesn't --- then it was a mistake to get together in the first place.

 

And as a guideline --- most 18-25 yr olds are not looking for stability and long term commitment. They are entering into relationships for the first time, finding careers, living independently.

 

No one is ever fully developed. That it is what life is about ---- exploring and growing. I am not the same person I was at 25, or 35 -- or 45.

 

Your life would become much easier if you expanded your thinking. To allow people to change.

 

We agree that it was a mistake to get together int he first place. In the OP's case, she was telling him how madly in love with him and how she wanted to marry him and have kids. That is misleading to the guy who was looking for a long-term commitment. And this is why she is someone he should avoid and stop pining over. He should be happy she self-eliminated herself from the relationship.

 

People are mature and immature in different aspects of their life, its not just in relationships. For example, someone can be immature in relationships but mature in their careers, etc... So the term isn't a one size fits all for one person's totality of life. In the case of OP's exgf, at 24, she just seems lost in career, relationship, mom's control over her, where to live. At 24, the vast majority of my college friends have already accepted jobs, moved where they needed to move, etc. I don't think the OP's exgf is a bad person.

 

Anyway, it was an interesting discussion.

[Tanzi]

Absolutely people can leave for whatever reason they want, its a free country. But if one person's needs is stability and long-term commitment, and the other person's needs is to just enjoy the butterflies, then the person who is looking for commitment shouldn't want someone who is just chasing butterflies.

 

You are generalising and assuming. In the beginning of a relationship not everyone knows that they are particularly looking for marriage and not everyone who leaves a relationship after two years has done so just because they are chasing butterflies. There are so many other circumstances than how you see it. It is immature to assume that every relationship that has broken down has done so.specifically for those reasons alone.

[BrokenGator]

You are generalising and assuming. In the beginning of a relationship not everyone knows that they are particularly looking for marriage and not everyone who leaves a relationship after two years has done so just because they are chasing butterflies. There are so many other circumstances than how you see it. It is immature to assume that every relationship that has broken down has done so.specifically for those reasons alone.

Where did I say those are the only possible reasons for breaking up?? Haha

[Ms Darcy]

I remember saying to you in another thread that you seem to have very black and white thinking. It sounds like this is still the case. I would encourage you to self reflect on whether that mental rigidity had anything to do with the demise of your relationship. Not solely of course ... but it may have played a role.

[BrokenGator]

I remember saying to you in another thread that you seem to have very black and white thinking. It sounds like this is still the case. I would encourage you to self reflect on whether that mental rigidity had anything to do with the demise of your relationship. Not solely of course ... but it may have played a role.

I'm rarely black/white on stuff. But when I know, I know. . Some things are just obvious, like the situation that went on between the OP and his ex. If you look back, I pretty much called out what was going on between the mom, daughter, and OP. Like I said, some things are just undeniable. But just because we disagree doesn't make me rigid. In fact, I can say you're just as rigid as I am. Haha

 

As far as my relationship went, I'm as unridged as anyone can possibly be in a relationship because I know how to pick my battles. I gave and did everything for her... I have such an amazingly clear conscience with such strong confidence of who I was and who I currently am!! She's never going to find someone like me because she royally screwed up.

[Tanzi]

Where did I say those are the only possible reasons for breaking up?? Haha

 

Oh BrokenGator, you've been implying it throughout the whole of this thread *shrug* .....

 

 

She sounds very immature. Mature people don't bail on a two-plus year relationship because they don't know what they want from it. To me that is crazy.

 

There has to be a pretty damn good reason to leave a relationship after two years with a reason other than "I just don't feel it anymore". ..... If they cheated or became abusive, that's another thing.

 

If someone leaves because the honeymoon is over is a good indication they were in the relationship for the thrills and nothing really long term and lasting like a marriage.

 

If it takes someone two years to figure out what their goals and values are then they were immature about those details when they first got into that relationship.

 

And let's not forget your response when I said there was many other reasons for a relationship to end after two years ....

 

And those are the ones people need to stay away from. Life isn't a Disney movie.

 

Those are the ones?? That comment alone suggests that have lumped everyone who ends a relationship after a certain period of time into a negative category. There's no leeway with you. It can take two people just as long to realise what they DON'T want as it can to realise what they DO want. Anything can happen in two years .... a lot of changes can take place.

 

For all we know the distance might have taken it's toll on the OP's ex and how she felt about the relationship. That's not immaturity. It is just a fact.

[Tanzi]

Sorry, duplicate post!

[Tanzi]

I'm rarely black/white on stuff. But when I know, I know. . Some things are just obvious, like the situation that went on between the OP and his ex. If you look back, I pretty much called out what was going on between the mom, daughter, and OP. Like I said, some things are just undeniable. But just because we disagree doesn't make me rigid. In fact, I can say you're just as rigid as I am. Haha

 

As far as my relationship went, I'm as unridged as anyone can possibly be in a relationship because I know how to pick my battles. I gave and did everything for her... I have such an amazingly clear conscience with such strong confidence of who I was and who I currently am!! She's never going to find someone like me because she royally screwed up.

 

That doesn't mean you and only you are right BokenGator. You don't know the OP, his ex or her family. The only obvious fact is that she wants out of the relationship. The reason why is anyone's guess.

 

I see a conceitedness and arrogance coming through in your posts BG. I think that a lot of your opinions are based on your own emotional siruation.

[BrokenGator]

Oh BrokenGator, you've been implying it throughout the whole of this thread *shrug* .....

 

 

 

 

And let's not forget your response when I said there was many other reasons for a relationship to end after two years ....

 

 

 

Those are the ones?? That comment alone suggests that have lumped everyone who ends a relationship after a certain period of time into a negative category. There's no leeway with you. It can take two people just as long to realise what they DON'T want as it can to realise what they DO want. Anything can happen in two years .... a lot of changes can take place.

 

For all we know the distance might have taken it's toll on the OP's ex and how she felt about the relationship. That's not immaturity. It is just a fact.

Throughout the entire thread we were talking about OP's ex. And yes absolutely, people like her (surely she's not the only one on the planet like her) should be avoided.

[BrokenGator]

That doesn't mean you and only you are right BokenGator. You don't know the OP, his ex or her family. The only obvious fact is that she wants out of the relationship. The reason why is anyone's guess.

 

I see a conceitedness and arrogance coming through in your posts BG. I think that a lot of your opinions are based on your own emotional siruation.

 

They are not based on my random opinion, they are based on the input (which we have to assume is true) of the OP in which he later confirmed. Ex: her mom has always tried to break them up. I used deductive reasoning. Do you think the OP is lying?