BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yeah, I just believed that this part was her youth and that she would out grow that. I don't think its necessarily youth, but definitely immaturity. She probably has very low self-esteem. That is assuming she's the typical people-pleaser. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I don't see her actions as immature. In fact...she out grew the need for the relationship. She "changed" her priorities right out of grad school because you were set in the area. Then she later took a temporary assignment away...and dealt with the stress of commuting back and forth to be with you. And she learned that while she loves you...she doesn't want to/isn't ready to settle down at this point and wants to be able to move when and where life takes her. Without having to coordinate it with a partner. She doesn't want you to fix anything. Outside of her family not being very fond of you...there isn't anything to fix. She simply outgrew the relationship. This isn't a teenager chasing the early highs of a relationship. In fact, I don't think being in a relationship is very high on her list of priorities right now. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I don't think its necessarily youth, but definitely immaturity. She probably has very low self-esteem. She has very high self esteem! She walked away because the relationship no longer serves her goals. She did t stay, nor want to compromise. She has a plan...and it doesn't include hanging around d whatever area you guys are in. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 She has very high self esteem! She walked away because the relationship no longer serves her goals. She did t stay, nor want to compromise. She has a plan...and it doesn't include hanging around d whatever area you guys are in. According to him, she couldn't take the pressures of her parents even though she was madly in love with him. I'm sorry but that isn't a sign of maturity. In fact I want to venture and say she's too immature to stand up to her parents for what she wants.. which is to be with the person she's madly in love with. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 If anything is clear...it is that she wasn't madly in love with him. She loved him...yes. But she wanted to be free....and her parents not liking that he held her back from her dreams simply coincides with her own feelings. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 If anything is clear...it is that she wasn't madly in love with him. She loved him...yes. But she wanted to be free....and her parents not liking that he held her back from her dreams simply coincides with her own feelings. She was either madly in love and immature or she vastly over stated her feelings for him. In either case, he should count his blessings. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I disagree 100%. She loved him. And she outgrew the relationship. Her folks didn't like him...but they didn't "pressure" her...that was your word Gator. And this situation sounds very much like her growing up and wanting to fly. No gigs...no games..no manipulation. And OP sounds as though any conflict could be "managed"...and his gf decided she didn't want to be managed and compromise any further. So...she moves on and away, and OP finds a local girl that is ready to settle down when he is ready to date again. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I disagree 100%. She loved him. And she outgrew the relationship. Her folks didn't like him...but they didn't "pressure" her...that was your word Gator. And this situation sounds very much like her growing up and wanting to fly. No gigs...no games..no manipulation. And OP sounds as though any conflict could be "managed"...and his gf decided she didn't want to be managed and compromise any further. So...she moves on and away, and OP finds a local girl that is ready to settle down when he is ready to date again. I disagree 100% as well. I am only going by his experience and what he is sharing. OP, did your ex ever tell you that her parents did not want you together? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I disagree 100% as well. I am only going by his experience and what he is sharing. OP, did your ex ever tell you that her parents did not want you together? It doesn't matter at this point. And since she stayed with him for 2 years after changing her post grad plans...the answer would appear to be...that wasn't the main issue. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yes, she has told me from the beginning that mom didn't want us together, starting with us being different religions and then going to getting in the way for mom's plans for her career. She still is unsure of what to do for her career and obviously personal life because she was so conflicted when she did it and still doesn't know what career to peruse or where to live. I would agree with gator that mom constantly pressured her into many things... Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Yes, she has told me from the beginning that mom didn't want us together, starting with us being different religions and then going to getting in the way for mom's plans for her career. She still is unsure of what to do for her career and obviously personal life because she was so conflicted when she did it and still doesn't know what career to peruse or where to live. I would agree with gator that mom constantly pressured her into many things... I'm sorry she has immaturity and aimlessness written all over her. Doesn't know what career to have, doesn't know where to live, doesn't know if she should listen to her parents, does t know if she should be with the person she claims be madly in love with. Sounds like a roller coaster ride. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 It is alright for her to be uncertain about her career path, as well as where she might live. She is only 23...and is at the threshold of her future. Religious differences can be overcome. My Jewish roommate in college married a Catholic. Neither family was happy about it. They survived being apart for grad school, moving for his residency and both families being against the wedding. Twenty five years and 4 kids later...they are still married. OP, I am sorry you are hurting and know that when you are ready you will find love again. This match was not your destiny, nor hers. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 It is alright for her to be uncertain about her career path, as well as where she might live. She is only 23...and is at the threshold of her future. Religious differences can be overcome. My Jewish roommate in college married a Catholic. Neither family was happy about it. They survived being apart for grad school, moving for his residency and both families being against the wedding. Twenty five years and 4 kids later...they are still married. OP, I am sorry you are hurting and know that when you are ready you will find love again. This match was not your destiny, nor hers. Of course its OK for anyone to decide to do or not do anything. Op just needs to recognize that it is in her personality to be uncertain and unsure for just about anything where a major decision needs to be made. Dude, don't take it personally at all because that's just who she is. Will she change many years from now? Maybe, maybe not. But you want to be with someone who can make decisions and waffle around. And it has nothing to do with age, so just make sure you assess this with the next girl whether she's older or younger than your ex. Link to comment
edjones87 Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 It's so hard getting used to referring to her or hearing her referred to as my ex. How long until I'm supposed to be semi functional? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I agree with Mhowe ... as I said earlier in your thread, this is an issue of two people growing in different directions. Pretty clearly so. Unfortunately, you have someone who's projecting the pain of his own break up (and thinking your ex cheated emotionally) moreso due to his own heartache than what's going on with you. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I agree with Mhowe ... as I said earlier in your thread, this is an issue of two people growing in different directions. Pretty clearly so. Unfortunately, you have someone who's projecting the pain of his own break up (and thinking your ex cheated emotionally) moreso due to his own heartache than what's going on with you. That's completely incorrect. I wasn't projecting anything. When I said his ex cheating, like I said earlier, I thought I was replying to Emerald in another thread. I was bouncing back in fourth. Nice try though! You are semi-correct about growing in different directions. He is growing. And she's going aimlessly in every direction, having trouble making decisions. She doesn't even know which direction she's going. She doesn't know who to please: herself, her parents, or her exbf. Again, he should be counting his blessings! Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Broken...you are really trying to see and claim stuff that just isn't true. Please read about communication bias. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 That's completely incorrect. I wasn't projecting anything. When I said his ex cheating, like I said earlier, I thought I was replying to Emerald in another thread. I was bouncing back in fourth. Nice try though! You are semi-correct about growing in different directions. He is growing. And she's going aimlessly in every direction, having trouble making decisions. She doesn't even know which direction she's going. She doesn't know who to please: herself, her parents, or her exbf. Again, he should be counting his blessings! The mature young woman is pleasing herself! How bout them apples. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 The mature young woman is pleasing herself! How bout them apples. "Mature" isn't the right adj for her. Maybe sometime in the future but not right now. She's pleasing her insecurity -- a trait hardly cut out for a committed, long-term relationship. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Where are you getting this stuff Gator...2 years at age 23 is not a long term committed relationship. She isn't insecure. She doesn't want to live and die in the same town. Nor does she want to settle down. It's a choice....not a character trait. OP seems to have accepted it...why can't you. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Where are you getting this stuff Gator...2 years at age 23 is not a long term committed relationship. She isn't insecure. She doesn't want to live and die in the same town. Nor does she want to settle down. It's a choice....not a character trait. OP seems to have accepted it...why can't you. OP hasn't accepted it. I'm going by what the OP is saying, I didn't put words in his mouth: 1) She told him that she was madly in love with him 2) Admitted that her parents have been pressuring her to break up with him 3) Mom has been planning her career???? Why can't she plan her own career? 4) Doesn't know where to live, yet just wants to move. If she just moving just to move? 5) Mom seems to be controlling daughter's life. The combination of the above sounds like someone who is just very very confused. Should I listen to mom regarding bf or should I do what i want and be with him? Should I listen to Mom when she wants me to go into career X? I am not saying she's a bad person at all. I can see how she can be a very loving and caring person that doesn't want to hurt people feelings. But you know what? When you want to try to please everyone, you end up not pleasing anyone -- especially yourself. Is she young? Yes! But at 23, the vast majority of college students (if they haven't already graduated by 23) have a really good idea what career they want to take (to work, to go to grad school, etc...). If she was mature I would expect her to say stuff like: "No Mom, I don't want to have career X, I want to do Y!" Or, "No Mom, I understand you don't like my bf because he's a different religion, but I am madly in love with him and I want to be with him!". Instead I hear: "I love him, but my mom doesn't like him... I don't know what to do. My mom wants me to do X but I'm not sure I want to do that... but I also don' know where I want to live, but it depends on what career I want to do." Just seems like a lot of confusion. At the end of the day, something had to give, and it was him unfortunately. But I want to encourage the OP to see this as a positive not something for him to be upset over. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I don't think he should be upset at all. It is fine to grieve the end of the relationship, but it had more to do with lack of compatibility and different places in life than any of the negative attributes assigned by you. There is no need to vilify an ex. Life goes on. Link to comment
BrokenGator Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I don't think he should be upset at all. It is fine to grieve the end of the relationship, but it had more to do with lack of compatibility and different places in life than any of the negative attributes assigned by you. There is no need to vilify an ex. Life goes on. I don't think they are necessarily bad traits. I bet she's a very sweet, loving, and caring person. It's just that people handle stresses and difficult situations differently in their lives. Link to comment
intheferns Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 OP I'm so sorry you are hurting. You didn't do anything wrong, you are probably an amazing partner. But your ex wanted something else. Really, be glad that she did this now instead of after marriage and children - that is my life right now, my husband of 6 years (together 8) left me 5 months after our daughter was born. I had made my life all about giving him the things he said he wanted - loving wife, a house, a baby, a group of close friends. Yet still I his mind I was not who he wanted to be with. Something wasn't being fulfilled for him. He suffers from depression so I don't think that hole will ever be filled. But it was him that made the decision to leave and not to even give us a chance to work it out. The best thing you can do is to pick yourself up and get on with your life. Go to the gym, pick up new sports and hobbies, meet new people or reconnect with old friends. Give yourself things to look forward to. Everyone heals at a different rate but at some point you'll find that she is not on your mind anymore. Link to comment
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