Lonely With Her: Ramblings of a madman.

[Coldarmy13]

Guess i dont know how to draw the line in the sand. Ive obviously had a difficult time just leaving.

[Coldarmy13]

how do i draw a line in the sand without just saying "look its over"?

[itsallgrand]

I read this thread and I really wondered if you aren't hooked on the periodic awesome sex with someone you are super extremely attracted to physically. And someone being not always available can sometimes feed into the excitement and 'oh man this is good' factor of that. More time together, and it might have gotten put into a different perspective. But you probably won't ever get that, so it'll continually chasing after the carrot on the stick.

 

I'm not judging nor even saying this is the case, but it's what I thought. And if it has any truth to it, usually putting your sexual energy in another direction is enough to get out of the 'pull' the person has on you. I don't mean sleeping with a bunch of people. But neutralizing that "omg she is the best i've ever had or imagined" by using the mind to redirect what you think about and not putting energy into thinking about her. Sexually and otherwise. And of course, you take sex and sexual diversions (snuggling up in bed, that kind of thing) with her off the table too.

 

Just be honest with yourself. What is motivating you here? If it's sex, well, you wouldn't be the first person to put up with crap you wouldn't normally from someone because of the potential always hanging in your face of sex with someone you consider stupidly hot.

[Coldarmy13]

Sex is definitely not the driving factor. Wish i could tell you what is. I feel like im stuck in a "holding pattern" and cant find the strength to stand up for myself.

 

I like her so much.. it just appears that she sees this relationship differently than me. Why she agreed to be an official couple only a month ago is beyond me.

 

The thought of leaving her crushes my chest.

[boltnrun]

How many years do you want to keep feeling like this?

[Coldarmy13]

I know that i need to have a sit down and get things off my chest. I just have to stick to it no matter what this time.

 

I know what im feeling and why. Dont know how to say it though.

[boltnrun]

Just remember what happened last time. She acted all nice & cuddly and you gave in. That's why I think telling her in person, while it might be the "right" thing to do, isn't the best idea. What if she hugs you or cuddles up to you? Your resolve will go right out the window.

 

Remember, just because we have feelings for someone doesn't mean they're right for us. You tried to convince yourself you'd be satisfied with less just so you could keep her, but that doesn't seem to be working out.

 

So, you actually do know what to do, and you CAN do it. Unless you want to spend the next several years feeling exactly the way you did yesterday and today...

[Coldarmy13]

She's at some event downtown with her friends this afternoon and said she'd probably be in no shape to go to my work party with me, but said i was welcome to come over after my party. Said she didn't want to look like a drunken fool in front of my work friends. Said to call her when I leave in case she's asleep. Not the best situation to have this talk with her, but I gotta right? I said okay whatever no worries but to be awake later.

 

Any advice or even encouragement would be helpful.

[boltnrun]

Talking to her after she's had some drinks? Bad idea.

 

When I've been drinking I feel "frisky". So how easy will it be for you to talk to her about this if she's rubbing up on you?

[Coldarmy13]

She hasn't been "rubbing up on me" since that weekend before. Wouldn't worry about that. Typically when we go out we both have some drinks anyway. Then I try to get frisky and the last couple times nothing occurred.

 

More worried about her state of mind to be able to have a conversation and my growing impatience because I haven't been happy.

 

Sigh.. She has been a lot better with her texting lately. I can't just hold on to that though. Bread crumbs.

[boltnrun]

Things are ok today. They weren't so ok yesterday or the day before. They may not be ok tomorrow. Then ok the next day, not ok the two days after that...

 

Inconsistent contact, not a lot of affection, not wanting sex...I guess I'm wondering what's drawing you to her. I don't know if she's smoking hot or if it's her withholding attention and affection that's keeping you tied to her.

 

The song "The Fixer" by Pearl Jam kind of reminds me of you. I also used to be like that until I realized I no longer wanted to be Ms. Fix It. I wanted someone I didn't have to "fix" (or someone I hoped would "change").

[Coldarmy13]

I don't know what else to say as far as what's keeping me here with her except my feelings for her.

 

Again, been spending my day trying to come up with how to word things.

 

As far as being smoking hot? I don't see her as someone who would walk into a bar and all the guys go nuts. She's just very beautiful to me. Most likely her behavior because it's very confusing and as you said before that's what drives me nuts. Haven't been nuts over a girl like this.. Ever before and I'm 30.

[itsallgrand]

I would advise you not to meet up with her tonight. Not 'at her convenience'. Nope. And certainly not after she's been out partying and ditched you for the work event. That would be like teaching her she only has to arch her little finger and you will come a running to her.

 

I'd let her know if she wants to see you, she can call you. And then, if she plans and actually executes something appropriate, go ahead.

 

But if she doesn't, backing off and let her come to you - and respect your boundaries and what you want out of this - and it will resolve itself on its own.

 

You don't have to 'do' anything except be who you want to be. If you don't want to be the chump chasing her tail, just put the behavior first, the feelings can come afterwards.

 

just my two cents. I think meeting her tonight under the circumstances is like setting yourself up for fail. It just screams "low self esteem" - and even if that isn't you generally, she's going to feed off whatever you give to her as far as behavior.

[Coldarmy13]

She didn't ditch me for work events. She had plans I was well aware of and she was the first to suggest hanging out tonight. I'm the one with the work event and invited her but she said she wouldn't be in any shape at 8pm to go and meet my work friends. Then said I could come by after I left there.

 

I've tried letting her come to me. Problem is I don't know when that would be and I've been keeping to much to myself to begin with. I'm dying to have this talk. Far as I know, she thinks I'm fine with thing the way they are and I'm not. I don't want to just go dark and hope she contacts me. How can she respect my boundaries if I haven't made them clear?

[itsallgrand]

Yah, I understood. It's alright - I'm not going to force my point of view! But I did understand everything you said, and was simply giving how I would handle it. If it meant having to go dark, so be it.

[Coldarmy13]

Don't worry about forcing your POV. At this point I appreciate any insight. I guess my problem lies with me. Dying to find some way to tell her how I'm feeling and how I need just a little more from a relationship.

 

I understand that it's more of a position of strength to go dark and let her make the move. Some days that works for me, other days are hell.

 

My best friend told me There's no need to end anything unless it prevents me from trying someone else out. That I need to see this as someone that you'll see once in awhile and occasionally have sex. To not focus on the title that she agreed to. That would've been so simple if I hadnt already developed feelings, which include needs.

[Coldarmy13]

Maybe it's time to be selfish myself. Maybe I go over ther and try for sex right away. It's been a couple weeks and it's a need of mine in a monogamous relationship. If she rejects me then without reason then doubts creep up again. Then I have the talk with her and it comes off as me being sore over not getting action. Then my talk won't come accross as genuine as it is.

 

If nothing happens and she is still distant I will not stay over for the night. Maybe I've given in too much to her needs.

 

God, I'm all over the place.

[boltnrun]

It seems to me you've had this talk with her before. Didn't your previous talk result in her saying this is just the way she is, and you backing off because she gave you some affection? And you convinced yourself you were fine with things the way they were?

 

I remember suggesting you be honest with yourself about being ok with her and the situation the way it is. And you insisted you were, that you weren't settling, and that you knew you could handle it. Well, seems like you aren't ok with it, you WERE settling, and you can't handle it because you're only getting a fraction of what you need.

 

Hamster wheel.

[Coldarmy13]

I was doing well with it for awhile, probably a couple weeks. Then something hit me yesterday like a bus and I've been messed up since then.

 

I don't want to be without her but I don't want to feel sh**** about things anymore.

 

I don't know how to say all this to her and feel too impatient to let it slide another night.

[Coldarmy13]

In the interest of clarity:

 

Her: I'm probably not going to be in any shape to go to a work party by 8..

Me: okay..

Me: how about after?

Her: Sure come on by after if you're safe for driving.

Me: Alright. Probably be about 10 or so id be leaving

Her: Ok. Give me a call when you're leaving incase I'm sleeping!

Me: If you're not up for coming with me at 8 why do you want me to come over after?

Me: if prefer that you were conscious tonight

Her: Bc I don't want to make a drunk fool out of myself in front of your coworkers...

Me: if you knew then you wouldn't worry about that, come with!

Her: I'm still in *city*..still waiting for food. I'll let you know but I doubt it.

Me: Ok w/e no worries. Just be awake later!

 

Guess it goes back to having a hard time being selfish even when I obviously need to be.

[Coldarmy13]

I guess I just need that last push to ask for what I need..

[Coldarmy13]

Texted me as soon as she got home. Doing chores and catching a nap. I think seeing this for what is is currently is the way to go And I'll just have to let her chase me. Since that could involve little contact, I'm open to see if there's anyone else for me. She hasn't earned my loyalty, I've never cheated before, but if something else comes along then it's her loss. I'd leave her before getting involved.

 

Appreciate everyone's advice and completely understand anyone who might give up on me.

[boltnrun]

If she's home doing chores and napping, wouldn't that leave her enough time to attend your work event with you?

 

Wouldn't you attend something she invited you to?

 

Seems like this illustrates the widening gap between what you want and what she wants from the relationship.

[Coldarmy13]

Well I'm leaving right now so no not enough time for her to do those things.

 

And yes.. I most likely would. Unless I was really drunk and/or tired like she probably is. That thing she went to was pretty early and lasted a long time. Her keeping me up to speed as closely as she did without me needing to contact first is what made me happy.

 

Like I said, going for what I want/need tonight and I won't stay over to make it seem okay if I don't feel anything. I'm the prize here. I need to realize this. My life can't revolve around her engagement. She agreed to a monogamous relationship, and I've extended myself enough.

[Coldarmy13]

Should've never gone over there tonight.

 

She was really tired and all of that but she seemed ok.

 

Anyway, we were watching Netflix and I rubbed her legs/feet since she was outside walking around for a good part of her day. Thought it might help her relax. Then when I stopped that I laid next to her and rubbed/held her hand. Again her hand was completely limp and she didn't really respond to any of it. I asked her why her hand is always that way when we "hold hands"? She said "what should it(hand) be doing?" I said what most hands do when people hold hands. She didn't say anything, but did hold my hand but barely. Then a little while passed.. And I started the talk..

 

I picked a terrible time because apparently she was passing out I just didn't notice because we we watching tv and she was fine just before I spoke. I asked her what she was getting out of all of this? She asked what, and I said us. She said she didn't know how to answer that. I then said that I really liked her a lot (as if she didn't know) and want to be with her, but that I felt like she was really keeping me at arms length. She then shut it down by saying was way too tired/half asleep to have this conversation and said we could tomorrow or something. I said ok and got my things together, asked if she worked tomorrow, she doesn't, asked if I can just swing by after work tomorrow night then. She said ok. I just left. No kiss/hug (except a hug when I got there and a cold set of kisses earlier in the night).

 

So it'll be over by this time tomorrow. No going back now. I'm committed to it now. I at least know that now I can say it her face when I out my mind to it. Gonna be a long day at work tomorrow. If she tries to cancel/postpone then I have to end it over the phone as much as I don't want it to come to that.