notalady Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I would suggest getting couples counselling. Even if you do marry him, this sounds like it's set for failure anyway. I'd get the issues sorted in a healthy way, and learn to communicate with each other before getting married. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Do you love him and would marry him if you didn't have the kids and material stuff? If no, that's your answer. If yes, continue on. The proper way of saying/telling: (Plan for no interruptions..., kids cannot be home!) You - I see you've been hitting those sites again. If true, he will have a track-dusting exit plan in place. You must watch him VERY carefully as he responds! Do not look away from his eyes! If he drops his head and apologizes..., you got a chance. If he lies and sticks to his track-dusting plan..., that's your answer. Sorry! Link to comment
Soheartbroken7 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Well, I did it. I confronted him this afternoon in a very calm way with privacy. He tried to deny at first but I explained that it is important that we be honest and that we've been able to fix it before. He finally admitted it was him... He was adamant that he has not met any of the girls he talked to (of course) and that having those profiles was more of a psychological thing. He also apologized and I said it's not ok, but I appreciated that he came clean. Here's the next doozie... he is extremely secretive about his phone and always has been. I asked him if he would log into the profile so I can see what was said to the girls on the website and just look through his phone in general. He of course said no. So I tried to grab it out of his pocket and he fought me away until I let go of him. I feel like he is hiding way more because he will not let me look. Any thought on this phone situation? Everyone has been extremely helpful here and I thank you all so much. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Do you really have to ask? Time to end this charade. Link to comment
Soheartbroken7 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Do you think he's hiding more? Or something worse? He said that he told me everything and should take his word for it (yeah right). Do you think I have a right to look at it? Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 First, I am sorry this has come to realization. Try to be strong, and realize this is the worst it will be, provided you resolve by leaving him. You should not even accept what he said. I would dump a partner that was active on a dating site-whether or not he made physical dates. The next (third) time you go through this he will say: Well we only kissed." You already gave him a break and he cheated again. He is a manipulator and you are being manipulated. Of course you have to think of your kids, but I would say that was the first time you caught him. His phone holds all the evidence, which is why he wont give it to you. If you want an open marriage continue with what you are doing. But not leaving you are allowing this behavior to go on. Again, sorry this is happening. Link to comment
jjkk Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Do you think he's hiding more? Or something worse? He said that he told me everything and should take his word for it (yeah right). Do you think I have a right to look at it? Not letting you look through the phone makes it seem that way. Imo a person who was sorry and truly wanted to fix the relationship problems and regain trust would hand over the phone and do whatever it took to be an open book and let you in on what's happening...the truth. If there was nothing to hide, why not just turn over the phone? Terribly suspicious. Nope, you shouldn't just "take his word for it". He's broken your trust TWICE and it's ridiculous to assume someone will just take your word for it after that. Link to comment
notalady Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Yes him not letting you see his phone is very suspicious and agree with jjkk, if he was truly sorry and wanted to fix the relationship and rebuild trust, he would have done anything to reassure you and regain your trust. His behaviour suggests otherwise. At this point I would not take his word for anything, including when he said he never met any of the girls (I don't buy a single word of it, including the first time he did this and now the second time). More importantly though, does that even matter anymore? The fact is he was and is on dating sites looking to meet girls, whether he met any of them is not the point anymore. The point is he has proven himself time and again to be untrustworthy and actively looking to cheat, and I will put money on he will do it again if you forgive him again. Fool you once, shame on him; fool you twice, shame on you. Fool you three times? Well I think if you allow it, you are in need of some serious help to figure out why you allow yourself to be treated this way. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Once you know..., You know! You put the ball in his court. (Well, you took it back a little when you grabbed for his phone.) It's his turn to make changes/action..., that is, if he wants to keep you. Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book) Dobson's classic teaches why people cheat and what to do about it. PS, Yes, he's cheating on you. sorry Link to comment
Soheartbroken7 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Hi everyone. I had a pretty rough night. I finally gave him an ultimatum about the phone. Either he gave it to me or I was walking out the door with our kids. He FINALLY gave it to me. I scowered through his phone for 2 hours really didn't find much else. I did find one more site that he had signed up for, but with an incomplete profile. I was unable to find any conversations he had had with any girls, but he admitted he has talked to a few and basically the websites are more of a scam. This morning, he told me that he went in an deleted everything and even had to pay money to delete one of the accounts. At this point, I am glad he admitted to what he did, but still am so in shock and in an ungodly amount of pain. I am not sure what to do just yet. I took off my engagement ring as it was so painful to even look at... that ring means the world to me because it was like the last piece of the 1000 count puzzle we have put together. I just don't know how to cope. I've cried so much that I literally had to put ice on my swollen eyes this morning. I realize that if I decide to make this work, it's a forgive but not forget situation. The question is, how do I forgive him for something like this? I feel so betrayed, disrespected and inadequate. Lastly, I cannot thank everyone enough that has taken the time to share their thoughts for me. What great support you all have provided when I have not reached out to my own inner circle of support. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I don't think you should forgive this...it is the second time. Unless he is willing to go to counseling, I think it is likely he will do it again. Link to comment
Soheartbroken7 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I'm positive he would go to counseling if I ask him to... He is remorseful. Even if he does agree to counseling, I am not sure that I can forgive him. Link to comment
Soheartbroken7 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Ok, let me clarify... He is ACTING remorseful. Who knows if he really is. I'm afraid of hurting our kids by not fighting for this relationship. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 The kindest thing you could do for your kids is to set an example by showing them that cheating is wrong, and you have much more respect for yourself than to bring them up in that type of environment. Easier said than done, and I'm sure you're aware that the odds of sustaining this relationship are slim to none. I hope you find your way. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Honey, he's shown that he is a person who likes the stability and emotional support of a partner and family, but also that he really likes spice on the side. And that he doesn't take monogamy or fidelity seriously. I would say if you caught him once, and he really changed and stopped there might be hope, but now you've caught him twice and discovered he has this whole network of websites he subscribes to hidden away, so he was living a double life. This was not one little 'oops,' this was well planned scouting for sex on the side. He's not having sex with you because he is getting it elsewhere, and he is perfectly happy to compartmentalize his life into 'home and family' and 'hot sex on the side.' So the perfect world for him, absolute and total betrayal and lots of potential health risks for you. I would really not trust him to change at this point. He's been remorseful before and it didn't change anything. Repeat cheaters usually hang their heads for a while and claim remorse, but they are just looking for that magic moment when you calm down and start to act normal again, they they tiptoe off and start doing it again. So you need to accept that you are with a man who WILL cheat and who is NOT monogamous, and be able to live with that, or you break up with him and go find a man you can really trust. Because he's proven multiple times that his character is such that you can't trust him. So you accept he's a horndog and that you will never have a monogamous relationship, or you raise your bar and jettison him and find a man with a more moral character who believes in fidelity. Link to comment
Soheartbroken7 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I agree with all of you. Thank you so much for this support. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 ^^ This chickadeedee, is excellent advice. Well stated. I might add you are mistaking remorse (deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed) for the pending aggravation he will experience because his double life is over and he ain't gonna have a nice wife, clean bed, meals for his selfish self once you kick him to the curb. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 At this point, it's pretty clear that he's cheating on you. He's still lying to you suggesting he hasn't had sex with anyone else because he has. I really hope that you move on. He's going to wait until the dust settles and start cheating again ... Link to comment
Lester Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 He will appease you for awhile and then go back to his old habits. You said, "I realize that if I decide to make this work, it's a forgive but not forget situation." - More weakness on your part. (The phone thing was total weakness) You said, "The question is, how do I forgive him for something like this?" - More weakness on your part. Forgiveness would come naturally if he changed. You've only kicked the can down the road. Did you get Dobson? Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I've been in these situations. He needs to give you passwords to all his accounts, emails, ready to access to his phone...he should be doing everything he can to make you feel comfortable again. Just keep in mind, you have to regularly talk about these things. Take an intimacy course together. This is not something that just goes away. There is a feeling of insecurity he has, and that's why he does it. For you, you need to stop holding things in. If something upsets you, bothers you, you need to just pipe up, each time, but try to use words like, "I feel", or "is this something good for our family." He needs to remember there's so much at stake. It's not just about you and him...it's about your family together. Totally recommend: link removed No matter how long you've been dating, it takes work to make it work, and communication, dating, connecting is a part of the process, even after 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years+ Link to comment
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