I caught my fiance on dating wedsites... desperately need advice!

[Soheartbroken7]

Hi, I need help fast as I think want to confront my fiance about this. Here is more about the situation...

I am a 29 year old female and just recently (last December) got engaged to my 31 year old boyfriend of 12 years. We have two beautiful children together.

Anyhow, things have been feeling different and my curiosity was sparked up about him being faithful. Before we had children, I caught him on several dating websites on MY computer! So this has happened before!

I decided to sign up for every discreet sex affair website I could find so I could search.

I FOUND HIM on 2 different websites! There was no picture of either one, but they both had the same exact screen name. One of the profiles had his exact date of birth. The other profile said that he is in a "long term relationship with children and do not want to ruin it, but looking for something discreet." It does not look like he has been active recently. However, he had to have created these profiles within the last 3 years, because he specifically said "with children"... our youngest is 3 years old.

With all of this said, I am sick to my stomach knowing that there is a possibility he has met one of these broads on the websites.

I guess I came here for advice on what to do. How exactly should I confront him? Should I print out the evidence and present it to him? What should I say? Please help me find the right words to say that he can not manipulate his way out of it.

I was starting to plan our wedding... and now I'm completely devastated.

 

Thank you so much,

Shannon

[mhowe]

How, with all of the web sites available... Did you find the right one?

What made you go looking?

What has happened since the engagement less than 2 months ago?

And is he active...or is this from 3 years ago.

[relevart]

So how exactly do you know this was your guy again? Maybe I'm not seeing that in the OP.

[Soheartbroken7]

I am positive it is him. One of the profiles has his birthday and where he lives. These profiles have been created within the past 3 years, I just don't know exactly when. I went looking because I felt something was not right... very distant, not sleeping in bed with me, etc. I went straight to the websites because I have caught him in the past (before we had kids).

[relevart]

You might be right. You know him; we don't and this has happened in the past. But unless you live in a god awful small town, there's got to be more than one man with the same birthday, etc. as him. Not to sound snarky or condescending, but why have you been with him for so long with two kids and no marriage yet?

[WithLove]

Since you have no concrete evidence, you're going to look very ridiculous confronting him about an affair.

 

Instead, why don't you address the not sleeping in bed with you and being distant? Those alone are concerning and you'd be justified in asking him about it and sharing your concerns.

[mhowe]

He gave you a ring in Dec and is now not sleeping with you in the same bed?

 

Was the engagement sincere or the result of a fight or ultimatum?

[greta96]

Unfortunately your situation is not uncommon, I have had friends who discovered their long term boyfriends registered on dating sites.

Not beating around the bush, you have 2 options. One is nice and moral, one is not.

 

1. The proper one: you print all evidence and confront him with it.

The downfall of this is that you will only have his word to go on, and you won't be able to prove how recent his profile is, if he decides to lie about it. He will probably also lie about his intentions, he will say he was just looking around but that he had no intention to actually meet up with those women.

 

2. The not-so-proper one: you make your own fake profile and start chattin' him up. This way you will find out everything, downfall is that it's sneaky.

[Soheartbroken7]

I do know him and given the past, I am quite sure especially having 2 profiles for proof, that it's him. I really do not have a good explanation for the marriage question, all I can say about that is it was not up to me to ask him to marry me. He is the reason it took so long.

[mhowe]

I find it hard to fathom that after 12 years and two kids you cannot simply have a conversation with him.

[Soheartbroken7]

I did the not so proper one the first time he did this... as soon as he started talking to me on the fake profile, I confronted him immediately.

[Dcgent]

it sounds like you are dead set on it being him on these sites....so why not just confront him?

[relevart]

I am quite sure especially having 2 profiles for proof, that it's him.

I still don't know how you can say with certainty that these profiles are him. The profiles themselves can't be proof that it's him unless there is a stronger tell tale sign more than the same birth date and number of kids. And I suspect that he will deny it meaning that it's either him and he's lying or it's not him and you'll think he's lying.

 

As someone else said, why not talk to him about the problems you two are really having? The truth about those dating profiles may (or may not) come up then.

[relevart]

If you're so sure that it is him -- and, again, it may be -- what kind of help are you looking for from us again? If it's him, you really have one decision to make -- either leave him or don't.

[Soheartbroken7]

There is no doubt in my mind that it is him. I guess I'm having a hard time deciding if it's worth it to confront him because I don't think he has been active on the websites in the past few months. All I know is that he created them within the past 3 years.

[reinventmyself]

He has past history of this and possibly recent history of this. .

If you are able to prove this, under no uncertain terms would I marry this man.

[WithLove]

Sounds like you need to decide whether the fact that he created them at all is worthy enough of another confrontation.

 

this will likely keep happening until you leave him.

[reinventmyself]

There is no doubt in my mind that it is him. I guess I'm having a hard time deciding if it's worth it to confront him because I don't think he has been active on the websites in the past few months. All I know is that he created them within the past 3 years.

 

If this is part of his past initial indiscretion and you two have managed to work through it and past it. .that may make a difference.

You will need to figure this out somehow and make your decision.

 

But the fact that his current behavior towards you is different, you may have other issues that need to worked out as well.

One may have something to do with the other. . who knows?

But do not get married until this is talked about and resolved.

[Jarrah]

You might be right. You know him; we don't and this has happened in the past. But unless you live in a god awful small town, there's got to be more than one man with the same birthday, etc. as him. Not to sound snarky or condescending, but why have you been with him for so long with two kids and no marriage yet?

 

sounds snarky and condescending...marriage is not the be all, end all.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, that's not good. And the fact is we can second-guess it all until the cows come home, but you know what you know. Before you do anything you need to take a moment and ask yourself what exactly do you want out of all of this that's realistic. And by realistic I mean you need to take a good long untinted rose-colored glasses look at this man and ask yourself what's in it for you if you stay with him. And what's in it for you if you don't. And what are your various options that will keep you and the kids from landing out in the street while he makes off with all assets and a new woman, if it comes to that.

 

I can tell you right now you likely don't have enough proof if he is indeed cheating. He like so many on here have pointed out can state it's not him, it's all a coincidence blah-blah-blah. And the harsh fact is with children and probably common property into the mix you have more to keep and to lose than if you were just dating. To that end I'd personally hire a PI to do a bit of digging and then consult an attorney and after that decide what my next steps would be.

 

But that's just me. BTW what counseling and/or therapy did he get the last time you caught him cheating? Anything? Or did he simply blubber and promise not to do it again? You need to ask yourself what you can do differently this time to verify if he is indeed cheating and from a position of power how you can handle it to make sure you and the kids are protected. Sorry, I know that sounds somewhat materialistic, but you have kids. You need to be kind of cold about him having brought them into the world and now needing to man up and take care of them and not leave you all in the lurch just because he potentially wants a bit of fun.

 

In the end I hope it's all nothing, but you know in your heart and gut what is or isn't going on. So trust yourself and love yourself and your kids first.

[sadchick83]

To that end I'd personally hire a PI to do a bit of digging and then consult an attorney and after that decide what my next steps would be.

This is good advice. Most of the posters are concerned it may not be him. Who knows? Someone may be trying to sabotage him, or a friend might be conveniently using your fiancé's info to disguise himself?? I would want to be 100% sure.

 

This is where a PI would come in handy. Get one that can track him on line. If he is in fact looking to hook up no strings attached get rid of him.

How can he contribute to a relationship when he is destroying the glue that holds it together? Without trust you have nothing.

 

Save yourself for a better man. I know lots of single men who would have no issues dating a woman with children. They actually want women with young or grown children.

 

So sorry this is happening to you. It's devastating.

[Birdie]

Why don't you just talk to him?

 

You said you went searching for websites because he's been distant lately...have you asked him why he's being distant? Or did you jump right into "investigating" before attempting any kind of conversation.

 

It seems you both lack the proper and necessary communication skills to make a healthy relationship work.

[sadchick83]

Why don't you just talk to him?

 

You said you went searching for websites because he's been distant lately...have you asked him why he's being distant? Or did you jump right into "investigating" before attempting any kind of conversation.

 

It seems you both lack the proper and necessary communication skills to make a healthy relationship work.

 

Probably because he will lie and she is afraid of the truth and the unraveling of life that will come with it.

Its very hard to face these things, especially with children.

[HeartGoesOn]

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Does this ring a bell?

 

I'm sorry, but it is what it is, therefore it's time to make a decision.

[Soheartbroken7]

I greatly appreciate everyone thoughts and suggestions. This is a horrifying situation to be in AGAIN, but this time with my two beautiful kids. The last time this happened, it went a little like this: "I'm stupid for looking, I never met any girls from the websites, I promise I won't do it again, yada yada".

It's hard for me to imagine what it would be like if I left him... we have a home, we are newly engaged and ready to start planning a wedding, co parenting our children... everything is on the line. Not to mention, recently quitting my job to stay home with our kids.

I wonder what a PI would uncover. I worry about hiring one because I cannot tell if he has been actively using these profiles recently. Unless they can see something I can't. I don't know. There's probably more that I have no idea about. I am terrified of the truth and wish I had never even thought of the idea of snooping into these websites!

We do both lack proper communication skills. We actually really suck at communicating... for instance, we always wait until the pot boils over by ignoring a problem or issue. By the time we do talk, it's a 3 hour talking/yelling fest with 500 other issues that are irrelevant.

I know that I cannot go much longer without bringing this situation to his attention. I have known about this for 2 days now and have remained calm, even though I want to kick him in the nuts.