Fudgie Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I do not think we are slaves to our hormones. And just because a man is attractive doesn't mean I feel the need to copulate with him. Same. There are many I find attractive but that doesn't mean that I want to do anything. Here is how I see it: friendships can work if one/both feels that the other is good looking. Okay, whatever, no harm in that. However, friendships don't work if one/both has FEELINGS for the other, or a crush, or whatever. Then it won't work. You can think someone looks good without having feelings for them. People who can't interact with someone who looks good without acting romantic/sexual, well, that's really bad on their part and I would wonder if they were underdeveloped or something. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 We get distracted by whether sex happens between two people. That's an important consideration, but our interactions are richer and more meaningful than that. Male-female friendship is about supporting one another in the path that each person chooses for themselves. Being a couple is about finding a shared path. Its different. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Precisely! My friend G was a shoulder to lean on when I broke up with his best friend. We have sales together for many years...he for me into paddle boarding. We dog sat each others dogs when one of us had to travel...I attended his wedding. He has met my current bf and the three of us have drinks together on occasion. We have a strong and abiding friendship...but he has certain qualities that I wouldn't want in a life partner. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Same. There are many I find attractive but that doesn't mean that I want to do anything. Here is how I see it: friendships can work if one/both feels that the other is good looking. Okay, whatever, no harm in that. However, friendships don't work if one/both has FEELINGS for the other, or a crush, or whatever. Then it won't work. You can think someone looks good without having feelings for them. People who can't interact with someone who looks good without acting romantic/sexual, well, that's really bad on their part and I would wonder if they were underdeveloped or something. Yes, I guess feelings, or more specifically "romantic feelings" is a better word than attraction. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Yes, I guess feelings is a better word than attraction. In that case, I absolutely agree with you. Friendship is really not possible when one/both people have feelings/crushes on each other. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Yes, it is possible. But there can't be ulterior motives and if you pay attention it becomes apparent there are indeed ulterior motives in someone who claims to be your friend, but it just using it as a ruse to try and get "in" with you. All I can tell you is to be 100 percent up front from the get-go, make sure conversation of a positive kind is constant about your significant other if you have one, just to remind them and make clear you are happy with someone else. Also no using the opposite sex friend to complain about your SO ever since many people take that as a sign you would rather be with them or are more "perfect" with them and not happy in your current relationship. Also I do a little thing where I have my SO meet with all of my opposite sex friends and vice versa, making sure that we all know each other. That usually tends to bring any issues to light pretty fast. And still in spite of it all you will get people who sometimes sneak through or develop crushes. All you can do when that happens is state clearly, "I told you and you know that I am with someone else. There are no ulterior motives on my part, I did only ever see you as a friend. Goodbye." And then you let them go, because if you keep them around they will take it as a signal to pursue you even more. And sometimes such people really work hard to sink your current relationship and these types are never really your friend. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I just haven't found it that complicated - if the attraction on one side or both is such that it interferes with being platonic friends then the friendship will not work. I do not think any special conversations are necessary to establish that it's just a friendship - you just get to know each other and obviously if one person asks the other out on a date or makes a similar move then you have to talk about it. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 If you were perfectly clear with him from the start that you have a bf and you see him as only a friend and nothing more he is being childish. If you didn't draw a line he could easily think you were willing to pursue something more with him even though you have a bf. I tried having a female close friend and made it clear from the start that it was friends only. Well she agreed but then started acting like she wanted to be more than friends which in turn made it uncomfortable for me so I ended the friendship. Men and women can get the wrong ideas really quickly so to save a lot of drama it is best to be upfront. Just having a bf or gf will not stop some people unfortunately. Sounds like this guy isn't very good friend material anyways. Lost Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 "Men and women can get the wrong ideas really quickly so to save a lot of drama it is best to be upfront. Just having a bf or gf will not stop some people unfortunately." That hasn't been my experience. I think individual people can have ulterior motives/lack social skills etc but I think especially if you meet people through work, or common activities/interests there is less likely to be a default "oh she/he must be interested in me". Trying to be just friends with someone you meet through a dating type activity or a singles activity might require clear communication. Link to comment
Clinton Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 From my own personal experience it's not that hard to be friends with a member of the opposite sex. In a lot of those relationships there's a little bit of flirting and sexual tension but it's all in good fun. The problem begins when one party thinks it's something more. But that's usually pretty easy to diffuse. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 They met at school and he obviously was thinking he wanted to date her eventually. Of course we don't know how they interacted with each other, the amount of contact, type of contact... This reminds me of "When Harry Met Sally" Lost Link to comment
Tinydance Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 This is not true, at least has never been true with me. I have been friends with a lot of women I found attractive. It's kinda a sexist way to look at it. As in, "I can be friends with you because you're ugly." I don't think it's a case of "you're ugly" (at least not always but more a case of "you're not my type". I think in the case of being attracted to your friend, it depends on hoq well the person can control that and whether you can get past it. Sometimes I've had attraction, crushes, even some feelings for my friends but they were not single or I knew they weren't interested, so I tried to get over it and in most cases it worked. I think both men and women may want more than friendship from their friend and if they decide to hit on that friend or end the friendship if they get rejected, that depends on them as a person. Link to comment
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