Wizardwoman Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Seriously. I made a new friend a few months ago and he has known I have a bf for a while now. Well, now out of no where he texts me and says he doesn't like being in the "friend zone"...what the heck?? I told him if he doesn't want to be friends anymore thats his choice. I just don't get it, I really don't. Can't people of the opposite sex have a friendship without one of them wanting to get with the other??? Its disappointing. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I have had a male friend for 25 years. Have known him thru two wives and he has known me through two long term relationships. It can be done....but there cannot be ulterior motives to the friendship. Link to comment
Wizardwoman Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 I have had a male friend for 25 years. Have known him thru two wives and he has known me through two long term relationships. It can be done....but there cannot be ulterior motives to the friendship. Wow thats 1 year longer than I have been alive! Sounds like a very good and solid friendship. Something I hope to have in my life at some point. Its nice to have friends of the opposite sex without ulterior motives. Link to comment
Artsybeauty03 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Seriously. I made a new friend a few months ago and he has known I have a bf for a while now. Well, now out of no where he texts me and says he doesn't like being in the "friend zone"...what the heck?? I told him if he doesn't want to be friends anymore thats his choice. I just don't get it, I really don't. Can't people of the opposite sex have a friendship without one of them wanting to get with the other??? Its disappointing. It's possible because I see it with people all the time. I have a male best friend and we've been friends for 16 years. We could have been more if we allowed it to go that far. It is possible, but a line has to be drawn in the sand...boundaries! Aside from my bestie, I don't really have luck with other guys. They always want to cross the line. You're not alone. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 How did you make this male friend? Is he a coworker of yours? The brother of one of your close friends? Honestly, unless a guy works with me, etc, or is a neighbor, or I know him in the above contexts (and none of those contexts really involve texting eachother except the blanket group text invite to a retirement party) while I have a boyfriend I just don't go out and "make new male friends" at the bar, at the coffee shop, etc. It could be that the way you made the friend, he is under the impression that you are available. I mean, there are plenty of stories on this board about guys or gals not being happy with their relationship and "going shopping" to see who is out there OR using the "i have a boyfriend" line to scare a guy off, but keeps seeing the friend, so they are encouraged. (or guys are OUr friends "as a couple") Link to comment
mbee Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Yes just depends a lot. I have several good guy friends who don't want more. I mean if I wanted more, I'm sure they'd go for it, but I don't and don't feel pressured. I can talk to these guy friends about anything and am not hurting them or feel they are harboring secret feelings for me. I met all these guys during undergrad. One of them is my ex-boyfriend and it took us 3 years of not talking to be at the point that we are. The other few guy friends I have I just met in class and I'm not sure why but it's never been an issue. However, the majority of guys I do meet, do want more and will ditch me if I imply that it will never happen. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I have a couple of really good male friends. One I met though work, and he's in a relationship (I'm not), and the other used to be my partner (we were together for 13 years). My experience though, is that many guys don't actually 'know' how to be simply friends with women, and treat them as another person. Usually, the guys I've been friends with through the years I've met though work or similar interests, so we got to know each other as people rather than as potential GF/BF. I don't understand why this guy would be complaining about being friend zoned by you, if you're already in a relationship? This is what's quite odd to me. Link to comment
Wizardwoman Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 We met at the university. We had all the same classes together last semester. I thought it was normal to make friends at school Link to comment
HeatherB Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 People who use terms like "friend zone"--just ick. Talk about entitled! So he's invested a lot of niceness and patience in you and considers you to be withholding sex from him unfairly. Sure there are people who can be friends with the opposite sex, but it takes a certain amount of maturity and respect to work. Maybe ask guys you're considering befriending how they feel about "the friend zone" to find out their views early on. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I agree about the entitlement! Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 People who use terms like "friend zone"--just ick. Talk about entitled! So he's invested a lot of niceness and patience in you and considers you to be withholding sex from him unfairly. Sure there are people who can be friends with the opposite sex, but it takes a certain amount of maturity and respect to work. Maybe ask guys you're considering befriending how they feel about "the friend zone" to find out their views early on. Right on. The term "friend zone" is used by people who think if they are "nice" and "good" for a while, they will get repaid with sex and/or a relationship. I would avoid anyone who seriously used this term. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I have had a male friend for 25 years. Have known him thru two wives and he has known me through two long term relationships. It can be done....but there cannot be ulterior motives to the friendship. me to mhowe ... I have a few ... and they really are friends ..infact no disrespect to them but it makes me feel kinda ..yuk ..no way ..it would be like doing my brother if I even thought of them in any other way ...and I am SURE they think that about me . Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Seriously. I made a new friend a few months ago and he has known I have a bf for a while now. Well, now out of no where he texts me and says he doesn't like being in the "friend zone"...what the heck?? I told him if he doesn't want to be friends anymore thats his choice. I just don't get it, I really don't. Can't people of the opposite sex have a friendship without one of them wanting to get with the other??? Its disappointing. he clearly never went into this as a friend ...and that is all there is to it . Link to comment
Tinydance Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I think in some cases men and women can be friends, but to be honest it's rare. Basically most of my male friends wanted more, so I don't have many male friends. I have a male best friend who's gay and the others are just acquaintances mainly. I think a man can be friends with a woman if he's not attracted to her and clearly this guy is attracted to you and possibly may even have feelings for you. However, he has no right to expect anything from you or make you feel bad for "friend zoning" him, especially since you've had a boyfriend the whole time. I guess his agenda to be your friend wasn't just friendship and now that you know this, are you sure you still want to be friends with him? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I cherish my male friends. Right now I have one who I've been friends with for 21 years (he got married 13 years ago -we never dated), one for over 10 years (same) and I have less close friends on Facebook -one who I briefly dated, one who I met through a dating site but never dated (or had a first meet with). My husband has close female friends. I've always had close platonic male friends. I don't think of it in terms of gender much -they're just my friends. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 In my experience, platonic opposite sex friends work better when you're a little older (and hormones aren't raging) and it definitely helps if both you and the other person are coupled. With my last ex, we had a lot of couple friends that we'd hang out with together but also separately so I got to know the guy and girl separately and it was all cool. I also have a few longterm male friends who are either single or attached (and the SO doesn't have a problem with me) and they have never, ever been inappropriate or flirty towards me. Never ever. Yes, it is possible but proper boundaries need to be place and both people need to be aware of them and not cross them. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well, I'm not trying to be sexist here (I'm a guy myself), that a LOT of men, when shown kindness by women, think they have a chance. However remote that may be. However improbable that may be. They think they have a chance. So they wait in the wings, waiting for the right opportunity. You may be plan B, heck, you may be plan Z, it doesn't really matter. If that doesn't manifest or pan out in any way, frustration can grow. I'm not saying all guys are like this, but a lot of them are. My wife's had so many experiences like this that she's afraid to give men the time of day, and she's very obviously married. She's had men hit on her that actually know me. Even said things like "if you're ever single..." Being "just friends" with the opposite sex only works if there is NO attraction "that way", mutually. Neither side can have it. That can be a rare find. Link to comment
relevart Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 The opposite sex can be friends with each other. It happens all the time. Clearly, this guy wanted more and whether he felt led on or not, he chose to take himself out of the situation. Nothing to do but to move on. Link to comment
relevart Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Being "just friends" with the opposite sex only works if there is NO attraction "that way", mutually. Neither side can have it. That can be a rare find. This is not true, at least has never been true with me. I have been friends with a lot of women I found attractive. It's kinda a sexist way to look at it. As in, "I can be friends with you because you're ugly." Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Attraction doesn't necessarily have do do with people being pretty or ugly, and I did put a disclaimer that not all men do this. With these women, if you were single, and they were single, would you go for it? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 This is not true, at least has never been true with me. I have been friends with a lot of women I found attractive. It's kinda a sexist way to look at it. As in, "I can be friends with you because you're ugly." My male friend is incredibly handsome...and I am attractive. We became friends when I was in a relationship with one of his bf...and I was with that ex for 8 years. After we broke up due to his cheating...his best friend aaw no reason to exclude me from his life. And the friendship endured and has continued. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Attraction doesn't necessarily have do do with people being pretty or ugly, and I did put a disclaimer that not all men do this. With these women, if you were single, and they were single, would you go for it? No. We have both been single at the same time over the years. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well, I don't know the exact dynamics of the relationship, but I believe that is the exception, not the rule. And there's been a number of studies that support this. This kind of question would not come up if it wasn't a common source of conflict, although it isn't nearly on the same level as the "is porn cheating?" issue. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Studies can support anything. The criteria for a male/female friendship existing and lasting is shared background, integrity and respect. The same as same sex friendship. I do not think we are slaves to our hormones. And just because a man is attractive doesn't mean I feel the need to copulate with him. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Thought I posted earlier from my phone.... I have had male and female friends all of my life. Both kinds come with complications -- all of us come with complications as we invest in one another. Friends I have lost over the years have been of both genders (all genders, really), lost for various reasons. Some of my male friends are attractive and charming and we have both been single and sometimes even been each other's +1 when a proper date was not available. Sometimes, I have set a boundary early on by taking dating off the table. But then the friendship blossomed, since it became mutually clear that we are not a proper match. I have had one male friend for several decades for whom the gender thing gets confusing - every now and again he uses the idea of me as an escape, thinking he should have married me though we never even dated and are terribly incompatible. I give him room to find his center again, and we just ebb and flow as life requires. I set a boundary for him because it helps him when he loses sight of his own boundaries. This is just skills. Women friends set boundaries for one another too. Do my friendships with people of either gender always work? No. What's the difference? People are people. Some of us add value to one another. Let's celebrate that, in whatever form it takes. Link to comment
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