Another online daing journal

[WithLove]

Awww, my girl used to peep, too! I miss her a lot. Hopefully Macy comes around soon and gets back to her normal routines.

[reinventmyself]

hmm. . .journaling more about cats then men lately. Is this a good thing or should I be concerned?

My son said he'd take me to Petco (for a new cat) because after all I'll be the crazy cat lady. Ouch. He was trying to be funny but considering

my emotional state lately, that kinda stung.

[WithLove]

Bah, don't pay him any attention! He's trying to cheer you up (badly)!

 

If you get another cat, you should definitely adopt one!

[reinventmyself]

I have had a headache since yesterday and some coworkers are getting sick. I hope I am not next.

It's my friends birthday tonight and a bunch of us are getting together.

 

Tomorrow I am going to Catalina Island for the day with my oldest son, his gf, her mother and boyfriend who are in town visiting.

The weathers going to be perfect.

One of the (many) good things about being single is I tend to spend more time with my sons. Granted, I am the 5th wheel tomorrow, but this group is fun.

I've hung out with the gf's mom before and she's a character.

It should be a long 'eventful' day

[reinventmyself]

Bah, don't pay him any attention! He's trying to cheer you up (badly)!

 

If you get another cat, you should definitely adopt one!

 

so here's a little story I haven't admitted. I went to a local animal shelter a couple weeks ago . . just to get some ideas. I talked to volunteer about adopting an adult cat to keep Macy company. She advised that though it wasn't impossible, it would however be a challenge for them to accept each other given their ages.

 

Next thing I know I am looking at kittens. She said seeing that Macy was the submissive one, she would take to a kitten easier because the kitten would be submissive to her. I fell in love with this little boy kitten but didn't want to be impulsive, so I left and told her I would give her my answer by the end of day.

I went back and got him. Such a love bug. You could hold him upside down and he'd purr. (not that I did!)

 

I bring him home and Macy is under the bed. Over the course of 2 days I had to bring Macy down and hold her over and over. She'd hiss and growl and bust out of my arms and go back upstairs under the bed. I spent the entire time dividing my time between two floors.

 

I've introduced 2 cats to each other before. There were moments of hissing and standoffishness but not a two day hold out.

Mind you, I am still not in a good head space considering everything that's gone on lately. In the middle of this the vet calls saying I can p/u Xena's ashes!

I am locking cats up in different areas of the house just to step outside. By the end of the second day I called the volunteer crying and returned the kitten.

She was very kind and hugged me saying `it's just too soon'

 

I would have had to return to work the next day and leave them alone for more for 11 hours a day.

I know Macy would have taken to the kitten eventually. But considering her temperament it would have taken a week. . not 2 days.

I've checked the website every day and to check on the kitten. He was the perfect cat, just the wrong time. I felt a little guilty and embarrassed but had to do what was right for everyone. After dropping him off I went straight to vet and picked up the ashes. I cried some more. Uhg.

 

Within 5 days he was adopted.

I didn't feel too bad about taking him to this particular shelter. It's a no kill and I now call the ladies there "the Cat Nazi's"

They are so committed to these creatures and the place is Disneyland for cats. If I was a cat I'd never want to leave!

[reinventmyself]

Here's his new family. Isn't he the cutest thing?

Ok. . No more cat talk. My son may be right. . Lol ]

[WithLove]

Awww, he's just the cutest! That little boy looks so happy, too. You did the right thing, it was way too soon. But now that little boy has a buddy to play with and he will love him and take care of him. Don't feel guilty!

[faraday]

We fostered through our local shelter...I have no idea how people can adopt an animal after an hour or two together....we adopted our kittens after a several months of making sure they were the right kittens for us. I've fostered kittens that were not good with Tine...or liked to chew cords...and that made them not the right fit for us. You're going to be together for decades...everyone has to get along.

 

It might take a bit to find a new buddy...but if you will. And don't feel embarrassed about bringing him back- you did the right thing. I assure you that the shelter didn't think badly of you at all. I had a few people bring back fosters after they realized it wasn't going to work...and I always admired them for doing that. It's better for everyone (the kitten, existing pets, and the humans) if it's a good fit...if it's not, everyone in the house suffers...and the situation might be sustainable for a few years...but eventually, it comes to a head. And after a year or five of cats fighting...it's a lot harder to find a home for that cat. They're closed off and miserable. You did the right thing. Don't feel like it was a failure- success is only when everyone is happy. And it sounds like the kitten found the right home.

 

If you're still thinking about a kitten, it will happen eventually. Maybe you could try being a back up foster parent for when foster families go on vacation. Then it's just for a few days or a week instead of a several month commitment...and if you find the right kitten, you can adopt him/her.

[reinventmyself]

Had a great day in Catalina with my oldest son, his gf, her mother and mothers boyfriend. Until the end.

What do you do when you don't like your son's gf? Well, it's not that I dislike her. She's has a sweet side but another side of her, I kept thinking to myself 'Veruca Salt'.

She is one of two daughter's brought up in a very wealthy family and behaves like a high maintenance spoiled brat at times.

 

Her mother was visiting from the east coast and paid for the entire day. The ferry ride too and from, lunch, dinner and excursions and the daughter complained, was sarcastic and short with her mother most of the time.

They had rented a golf cart for one hour to tour the island. I sat in the back with the gf and she complained how boring it was the entire ride. At one point she told her mother that we needed to be done or she would throw a fit. (she's 33, not 17)

When we were finished the daughter was relentless the remainder of the time that there were things we could have done had we not wasted the time on the golf cart. At one point I muttered to her. 'It's your mom's day.

It's what she wanted to do'

 

The end of the day finished with a mention from me about my son having had the last few days off and was to return to work today. What I didn't know is my son took Friday off to go to a graduation but didn't tell the gf.

All hell broke loose. We sat separately on the ferry ride back, my son next to me and the gf across the isle. At this point I didn't know what happened and my son filled me why he was sitting with me.. Granted, he shouldn't have lied but I did ask why

he felt he couldn't have told her. His response was that she would have given him all sorts of grief.

 

I can go on with several other stories that have happened over the last 3 years, but these two are always arguing. She is quite the entitled ballbuster.

As a mom, it worries me that he'll give into her pressure and marry her someday.

 

He confides in me at times and I try to give him advise while staying neutral, knowing if I say exactly what's on my mind I could very alienate my son and the future mother of my grandkids

While filing out and exiting the ferry we were packed with dozens of others in the stair well and she begins to rail my son in public. Everyone could hear them. They were behind me and I turned around to her and said `don't do this now'

She rebuttaled and I told her with clenched teeth`please do this in private' My son and her mother heard me as we got off the boat I walked several feet in front of everyone to get my composure. The mother lion comes out in me and as much as I need to stay out

of it, I don't need to listen to it and be embarrassed in public at the same time.

 

We got to my house said our goodbyes to her mother and left the two of them to argue in the street.

My son has been on the fence about this relationship for some time now. Mom wants to push him off.

 

She shared a story the other day about being left with her 3 yr old nephew. She didn't want to watch him but before she knew it she was left alone with the boy.

She giggled when she told me when he wet his pants, she took him outside and turn the hose on him.

I wasn't sure I heard her right and made her repeat the story with my son sitting to my left. I hope he heard it clearly.

He knows me well enough and needed to know I was setting her up to repeat it again so he could hear it for what it is.

I looked at him as he was looking down at his plate, not responding.

 

Yikes.

[faraday]

She sounds pretty horrible.

 

It's hard...you have to trust that he absorbed enough of your values to know that...she's entitled and unkind....and not wife/mother material.

 

My mom sat my brother down about three weeks ago and said, "listen, I see you and (gf) fighting all the time. I just want you to be happy. I want you to be with someone that brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person because she's awesome and you want to rise to her level. I love you and I'll support you no matter what you do...but please, whatever you do, find a way to be happy."

 

Maybe she can get away with things like that because she's dying. But its not confrontational...and it gets the message across.

 

Idk. It's so tough. Saying something could be really detrimental to your relationship with him. But can you imagine if they do get married? Then she knows she's got him and she can treat him with contempt just like she treats her mother.

 

Ugh. I'm sorry that she's so horrible. I'd like to say she'll grow out of it, but at 33, it seems unlikely

[reinventmyself]

I like what your mother said. It addresses her wishes for her son without disparaging the girlfriend.

Something to think about.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Reinvent, my son was with a girl similar to your sons gf for a couple of years. I had to be so careful not to say anything he might consider critical of her. I was so relieved when he said they "both decided to call it a day and move on". Some time after the breakup, he did say things about her having been so spoilt and impossible to please. I am so happy that he is with a young woman today who is very different from that girl. I have no doubts, she would have made his life miserable.

[Silverbirch]

I think that what helped my son see the light was when she stayed with my son at his father's home and was a real little piggy princess about the house, treating them like her servants.

[notalady]

I can appreciate your difficult position Reinvent, obviously not as a mum but as a child. My dad always voiced his opinion about guys I was dating that I brought to meet him, positive or negative. Admittedly we're from a bit of a different culture, so family approval is very important to me (and my friends are the same).

 

The way my dad approached it has always been to use rational reasoning with me. He knows I'm open to reason and he knows logical and rational discussions work with me. He never once said he doesn't like who I'm dating, he even said a few times, "it doesn't matter if I like them or get along with them, it matters if he makes YOU happy and is a suitable partner for YOU, afterall you are the one who has to spend the rest of your life with them". That takes away the personal aspect of it and make me look at things more objectively and more long term, rather than thinking "my dad is biased, he just doesn't like this guy". He always give me good reasons as to why he doesn't think this guy is a good match for me. I didn't always come to the same conclusion immediately, I didn't always agree, but I did take it in and eventually came to the same conclusion in all cases.

 

So for one thing, it depends on how well you know your child and his personality and communication style (whether he's open to opinion and objective reasoning). And second, is to communicate your reasoning as objectively (not to express your personal feelings about it) as possible, and lastly, you just have to trust that your opinion is of value to him, and he has absorbed what you said even if he doesn't agree or put it into action immediately, then leave it up to him to come to that conclusion himself.

[reinventmyself]

I am not going to say anything unless he brings it up. I will tell him (thx to faraday) that I love him and want to see him happy and that he needs to be with someone who brings out the best in each other. These two have different values regarding lifestyle, among other things and at this point he has told her he does not want to get married or have kids. I think he's hoping that she'll be the one leave so he won't have to. At least that's what he says but this has been going on for so long I question what he gets out of this because he is after all, still in it.

 

It's one thing to deal with someone like this one on one. It's another thing when you hear what an outside person is hearing. She acted up twice in the past month in front of me and I can only imagine my son is embarrassed that I have to witness it.

 

I do strongly believe in letting the boys make their own mistakes. I tend to counter balance their father who tells them how to breath. Short of playing on the freeway, it's the best way to learn a lesson. I remember being that age and I learned the most valuable lessons by experience and rolled my eyes at my parents when they told me otherwise.

 

He and I recently had the discussion about his feelings about marriage and kids. At 30, it's not on his radar, if ever. If and when the conversation comes I will mention to him that I can't help but wonder if he might feel differently if he was with someone who was better suited for him. Marrying her would scare me out of it.

[Batya33]

Here's his new family. Isn't he the cutest thing?

Ok. . No more cat talk. My son may be right. . Lol ]

 

Every single time I scroll past this photo I smile. It's not just because he's so cute - I love your expression and there's this general vibe of warmth and comfort emanating. Can't explain but it really brightens my day each time.

[reinventmyself]

Every single time I scroll past this photo I smile. It's not just because he's so cute - I love your expression and there's this general vibe of warmth and comfort emanating. Can't explain but it really brightens my day each time.

 

Well. . . It's not me.

 

It's the family that adopted the kitty I had for the weekend.. . but I love that it makes you smile.

 

That's me. . .(though I just tried to delete it after the fact and it hasn't gone away. . yet)

[Batya33]

Well. . . It's not me.

 

It's the family that adopted the kitty I had for the weekend.. . but I love that it makes you smile.

 

That's me. . .(though I just tried to delete it after the fact and it hasn't gone away. . yet)

 

When I wrote that i realized it might not be you! But hope it's ok anyway. You are so pretty!

[Silverbirch]

Very nice photo

[reinventmyself]

Thx . . .

[reinventmyself]

Maybe this will replace the confusing picture that shows up on my phone view feed. Avalon, Catalina ]

[reinventmyself]

Silly, I know but I signed up on a new OLD website on Sunday. I was bored. Thought, `what the heck’ and signed up. Poor excuse.

I have to say if I am ever serious I will go back to this one. There were a lot of men my age and plenty to choose from.

 

So many websites are apparently going by way of ‘swiping’ left or right. I got a cramp swiping no’s all day and into the night.

I am noticing how ridiculous I am being while doing it.

I woke up on Monday with my inbox on fire.

I looked at it throughout the day and deleted each email as it came in and by yesterday morning I hid my profile.

 

It just has no appeal to me. I associate dating with bringing someone into my life so they can exercise their emotional b.s. out on me.

Because, basically that’s what it’s been like the past few years.

 

I’ve been reading and focusing on my patterns and through therapy I think I have been looking too far back for the answer. As if it is supposed be related to my childhood.

But I think it has a lot more to do with my marriage and me still choosing a different version of the same man so I can prove something to myself or my ex.

 

I just read something about a non controlling man may not attempt to get my attention or be attracted.

They would sense my walls were up and non controlling people are respectful of that. (or not interested)

It’s the controlling ones that see it as a challenge and attempt to bust through them. I guess it’s how I’ve learned to associate someone’s interest. I dunno.

 

I did exchange texts with just one man. He gave me his email address and I was supposed to email him on Monday. I sat there Monday evening and couldn’t bring myself to do it. Tues, after I took down my profile I did send him an email and was upfront, that I recently got out of a relationship and what seemed like a good idea at the time, wasn’t after all. He responded that he was in the boat and he had just gotten out of relationship himself. Included in his email was two add’l pictures. One of them, he is wearing a badge. Seriously? I just about fell off my chair.

I swear I don’t go looking for these guys. For all I knew he could have been an electrician.

 

Turns out he’s Fugitive Recovery Investigator. . aka Bounty Hunter?

We’ve exchanged a few emails yesterday morning. He seems nice enough, but the same height as me and an hour away. . and it’s bad timing.

 

If I am trying to change my patterns, I certainly don’t need another civil servant in my life. Is a bounty hunter a civil servant anyway?

I put them in a class with auto repo guys.

Not fair I suppose and maybe somewhat snobby. I guess I don't know enough about it.

-Or I can think of just one more excuse not take it any further.

 

I got an email from him this morning and I haven’t responded. Just the thought of it drains me.

 

Lately I’ll go a couple days without talking to girlfriend and inevitably get a text “How are you? Have you heard from S?”

Please, please stop asking me that. It seems really insensitive but they don’t know it.

No, I haven’t and I won’t and I don’t want to . .(stop reminding me and please don’t ask me again)

[Clarisse]

Hang in there, Reinvent. I know how difficult it is to overcome deeply ingrained, unhealthy patterns.

[reinventmyself]

I took my best friend to dinner last night for her birthday. When we were done we met up with a man just recently started dating.

 

I bought a ticket to go to a local craft beer, taco festival with friends for today. As it turns out my other friend has had a couple dates with someone

and she is meeting him there. Now I am not sure I want to go. Two nights of being the third wheel. I don't mean to sound pouty,

but it's more about the fact that it's outside, water front and not very warm.

I just need to be in the right mood for bundling up and drinking beer with thousands of people in the middle of the day.

I have the morning to mull it over.

 

This wasn't part of the plan! I had it my head that I would enjoy the summer with the majority of closest friends who are single. . Well, that's

the way it was up until the last couple weeks.

 

My guy friend J, (who I dated years ago) will be in the area hanging out with his friend on his boat and has invited me to come by after the festival. .

and bring `some girls' of course. Sigh . . Will they be disappointed if I show up alone?

 

I never contacted that guy again from my 24 hour OLD tour. I'm just not in the right mindset.

[faraday]

I don't like going places when I'm the third wheel either...so I get that.

 

I don't know what to say. ((((Hugs)))))

 

This too shall pass.