Thought I was getting a ring for X-mas... never got one.... very hurt and angry

[Kalika]

The title pretty much sums it up. I'm almost 32 and have been with him for 4.5 years. He followed me down to a new state a year ago. Now we live together here with my son from a previous relationship, whom he's helping to raise. I told him I don't want him moving here unless he's ready to take the relationship to the next level. I was sick of waiting around for him.

 

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE thought he was going to propose. My mom, who's here now visiting, even said he seemed so excited she thought he was going to give me a ring. Our friend also thought it was going to be a ring. He certainly hinted that he was going to enough times to me, but I never even told my mom or our mutual friend the things that he said - they came up with that all on their own. This same friend, who's visiting her own family out of state, even texted me yesterday: "Call me when you get the ring!!" I told her that I doubt he's proposing. I guess I was right. But deep down I was hoping he would.

 

I don't even know how I feel right now. I'm a mixture of sad, disappointed, and definitely very hurt and angry. I feel like I've given him way more than enough time to propose. Part of me really wants him to leave and never come back, I don't even want to see his face right now. Part of me is thinking, it's time to kick him out and be done with this joke of a relationship once and for all.

 

I don't even know how to tell him I expected a ring and was disappointed. How do I even start that conversation? He'll probably even deny that he encouraged me to think it was coming. Or he'll probably say something stupid like, "Fine, you want to get married? We can get married."

 

I'm so mad at myself for not ending this earlier.

 

It's so bad that if he did ever propose, at this point, I'd probably just throw the ring in his face and walk away.

[Batya33]

Look at the blessing side of this. Now you know your last straw, your dealbreaker. I think you've posted about him many times, yes?- this is the man you were not sure about for one reason or another (financial issues maybe?). Yes, I agree it's time to walk away and no, don't waste your breath telling him you expected a ring -simply tell him that you two are not on the same page about future goals, that you're done discussing it and that it's time to separate -head high, avoid the emotional outbursts -you've been there done that and it seems to me you've had lots of doubts about this person.

[Kalika]

Thank you Batya. Yes, I have had my doubts. But in all reality, he's always been there for me and my son and it's hard to walk away from that. He's not extremely bright, or successful, or anything spectacular in that regard - but he's a nice guy and very loyal and trustworthy, and doesn't walk away easily. He's also hard working, for the most part. I always knew that I could do a lot worse than him. Hell, I've dated a lot worse than him.

 

All the financial stuff has been mostly cleared up - amazingly, and finally - so now it's just him being this way. But you're probably right.. rather than just say anything, I might as well just tell him it's over.... but in all honesty, I HAVE told him that before, and always went back... How to make it stick this time?

 

The problem is, when I tell him it's over and discuss moving out, he always tells me he needs at least a month to find a new place, move his stuff out, etc... but within that month, he always starts acting nicer and loving and then things just go right back to the way they were.

[Snny]

He's taking advantage of you by playing the "nice guy" card.

 

If his name isn't on the lease, his stuff can go right outside. He can rent a storage space or look up a roommate on Craigslist in a very short matter of time. You aren't obligated to store his crap.

[zebragirl]

Why is he obligated to ask you to marry him at christmas? What did he say that led you on? Or was it mostly What everyone else said? If you love him and want to be wit him otherwise, tell him you want to get married and do leave it up to him. I was disappointed when my husband didnt propose on our 3 year anniversary. I knew he had a ring. He had me help pick it out. I told him i was disappointed. He proposed on valentines day instead. We've been married 10 years. I say don’t want around. Confront him and ask him If he wants to get married Or not. Then see how he responds.

[jjkk]

I agree w/ muddygirl. Also, if getting married is a deal breaker for you, does he know that? Have you discussed this w/ him as well as a timeline for how long you're willing to hang around w/out marriage? If you've discussed this, what reasons does he give for not taking the step to marriage?

[Circe]

I don't really understand why the proposal can't be the product of a joint conversation. Not an angry one but just a nice, normal, polite conversation where you say .. I like the traditional idea of you surprising me with a proposal but that hasn't happened yet and after 4.5 yrs its too disappointing to keep waiting - so how about it, shall we get engaged and go pick out a ring?

 

Honestly - I know it's not the fairy tale but IF this guy is a good guy in all other respects and the r'ship is good - is it worth ending it over not having a surprise proposal if you can have a mutually agreed upon one?

[Circe]

By the way I think your mother and friend did you a HUGE disservice over christmas. I know mothers can be silly. As a friend I would never ever ever cause a friend to get her hopes up like that. Ever. Not even if I truly expected it would happen.

[Kalika]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Just to clarify - we have had conversations regarding marriage .. probably too many times. He knows exactly what I want and for whatever reason, is apparently refusing to give it to me. I even left our home state, and left him behind, mostly because he was refusing to really clarify our future. I finally gave up and just left. In fact, him moving in here (our new state) was under the condition that we would be taking things to the next level. At that time, I specifically told him a time frame of 3 months max. That was back in April.

 

In hindsight my mom and friend probably shouldn't have said anything to me... But in truth, even if they hadn't, I still would have suspected because he was throwing a LOT of hints at me. To me, the fact that even my mom and our mutual friend thought was proposing only cemented in my mind that I'm at least not crazy/imagining things - he really was throwing a lot of hints out to everyone. My mom noted he seemed really excited about Christmas for some reason. Ultimately, all he gave me was some junky cheap crap jewelry and I guess I'm supposed to be happy with that. He will soon find out that I'm no longer expecting happiness with him. I'm no longer interested in happiness with him, since apparently it comes only when he feels like giving it.

 

I'm in a horrible mood right now, more angry at this point than hurt, and I'm hoping tomorrow I will calm down and be able to come up with a serious plan to move him out once and for all.

[Atomic Woman]

If you can give up on this relationship because you want marriage and he isn't jumping to it as quick as you then it probably is best to let him go, the other thing is do you want to be the girl who had to practically force a guy down the aisle?

I will add though to make sure you aren't over reacting, maybe he has a plan and he wants to do it his way

[Circe]

Ahh.. yeah. If you make a deadline then you have to stick with it or give up the issue altogether. You've taught him you don't really want to get married as much as you say you do because you said you'd leave by July and it's December and you're still here

 

I think the problem is with giving so much time to let him propose. Just tell him - let's go do it now, and let's set a date today - if you're not completely on board with that it's time to go our separate ways because we have different goals.

[Circe]

If you can give up on this relationship because you want marriage and he isn't jumping to it as quick as you then it probably is best to let him go, the other thing is do you want to be the girl who had to practically force a guy down the aisle?

I will add though to make sure you aren't over reacting, maybe he has a plan and he wants to do it his way

 

She's not "forcing" anybody. He has the choice to end the relationship if he doesn't want marriage. As the male in this relationship, he does not get the right to have to decide whether she gets to have a marriage or not. If she wants a marriage and he doesn't then she's entitled to end it. If he'd prefer to marry her than end it - that's his choice. It's not "forcing" him. Women are allowed to stand up for what they want, ask for what they want, and move on if they don't get what they want. Doing so is not her being a bad woman, a bad girlfriend or any of those other stereotypes of the pressuring girlfriend.

[Atomic Woman]

That's your own view....

No one said she was bad, however if she gives him an ultimatum to marry her and he does go through with it, she will always think she forced him into it, it wasn't real, he didn't even want it, she had to demand... Etc etc it's her own inner self I was referring to as knowing she forced him up the aisle.

As I said if they both want different things then she should let him go or vice versa

[Capricorn3]

Maybe he plans to propose on New Year's Day. Or Valentine's Day etc etc. OP, at this point in time it is probably a really bad idea to "have a talk" with him because you say you are feeling really angry right now and when people are really angry, they tend to say all the wrong things and regret it. Probably a good idea to cool off for a few days before attacking the guy.

[Circe]

That's your own view....

 

Yup. It's definitely my view that women should have the confidence and self-esteem to ask for what they want and take matters in their own hands - not shut up, sit silently and wait for their man to give it to them.

[Circe]

yes.. definitely cool off a bit first

[Capricorn3]

Just wanted to add that use the cooling off period to really think about this relationship and where it's heading, because according to all your threads about this guy, there have been many issues at play over the past years. Maybe it's time to call it a day. Whatever is going on, it seems now is the time to do some serious thinking and decision making.

[Kalika]

Ahh.. yeah. If you make a deadline then you have to stick with it or give up the issue altogether. You've taught him you don't really want to get married as much as you say you do because you said you'd leave by July and it's December and you're still here

 

You're totally right Circe I shouldn't still be here.. it's my own fault that he's even down here with me in the first place; I should have known that nothing would change.

 

Maybe he plans to propose on New Year's Day. Or Valentine's Day etc etc.

 

I doubt it Capricorn... mostly because of some things he's said, like how he knows I want my family there when he proposes (they won't be either one of those days). And he's also probably not going to be in town for New Year's Eve.

 

And even if he did have this "plan" in his head to propose at a later date, I didn't agree to wait that long, so he should really rethink that plan.

 

Bottom line is, he obviously doesn't want to get married and rather than being a man and leaving, he's staying because he's comfortable, or whatever effing reason, and in the meantime I'm about to turn 32 and I've given him nearly 5 years of my life. AND TURNED DOWN OTHER GREAT GUYS WHEN I WAS WITH HIM.

[Heartfelt]

Hi. Breathe, relax, be positive, think of how good you are. You can control you. You can't control him. Ask yourself a few things, like what does marriage mean to you? Why is it so important that he propose to you? Is something lacking currently that a proposal will clear?

When we expect something and we don't get it, it's incredibly frustrating. I think you should speak to him about thinking and hoping that he'd propose, but in a way in which you have calmed down and are respectful of what he has to say. In a way in which you are not being forceful over him and his lack of actions, which you expected/wanted. Because, although it might not seem wrong for you to expect it, life doesn't go the way you want often, and it's not because something is wrong with you. Maybe something is not wrong with him also. It's because you expected this, that your want for this is so strong. But, it didn't have to be there in the first place.

Are you happy with this man? Marriage means trying to be happy for an extended period of time. If an expectation hasn't been met and that's enough to question not wanting to be with him, then maybe you are not happy with him and don't want a proposal. Talk it over with him. But, not in a selfish way, not that it's all about you and what you want. What does he want, really? And if it's not meeting your expectations, why not? Can it get there? Are you being demanding? Does he feel like you are? How can you both come to something in which you are both happy?

Not the best person to be giving advice, but just my two cents. Good luck.

[Kalika]

Heartfelt - thank you so much.. just reading your words literally made me calm down and actually breathe.

 

I guess I don't know what I want any more. Maybe my pride is just wounded that this man doesn't really want to marry me, when I see proposals flying for other girls left and right.

 

When I sit down and really think about it, he has disappointed and hurt me a lot. I am also frustrated at our communication; he is less than forthcoming a lot of the time.. doesn't lie, but tries to turn things around on me when he doesn't want to have a forthright conversation. For example, before I left our home state, I tried to talk to him about our relationship, and was it heading towards marriage?? I really wanted to know, whether he was worth staying there for or not... and he turned it around on me, telling me that I'm just an unhappy person in general and marriage wouldn't make me happy. And that he didn't want to marry me unless I was extremely happy.. or something to that effect.. as if I was just an unloveable person in general. He really should have just said, I don't want to marry you; or I'm not ready to. Anything... say ANYTHING but please don't act like I'm selfish or horrible for wanting marriage. The things he said really hurt me, so much so that I up and left.

 

I'm not sure that he would ever really make me happy. I'm not even sure why I want marriage sometimes; the whole idea seems completely nonsensical at times. I know for sure though, he doesn't seem to care what *I* want. He only ever cares about what *he* wants. This manifests in many ways, big and small. He's overall a pretty selfish guy that doesn't really go out of his way to try and make me happy, and I only just realized it.

 

I really want out. I want out now.

[Heartfelt]

I think you should tell him calmly that you don't trust that he is going to propose. And that, rather than him giving you his 'plan', which will only make you feel more hopeless, that you would like to break up. That you've waited it out too long already and you've had enough. Because that's what it sounds like to me. And be stern. Give yourself time and space to move on. But, only if you're sure that that's what you want. If you want to feel validated or lack self worth, that is another reason entirely and a proposal isn't something that'll fix it. Are you unhappy with something you're not getting or are you unhappy with him? And if something you're not getting is making you unhappy to be with him, then call it quits. And if you can't wait for the possibility of getting it because you don't trust that it'll happen, it's not worth it. But, seriously talk with him and find out what his reasons are. And try to trust him, unless you have reason not to. Let him know you're hurt and if he cares, he'll be considerate. But if what he wants is different from what you want, or his terms and time are not in accordance with you, try to respect and trust that, or else move on.

[Heartfelt]

You shouldn't compare your happiness with that of others. Everyone's time for proposals and other things comes at their own time. You have to work at it, wait, it should come if you let it be. Depends. That's pretty optimistic.

I'm sorry he said those things to you. You don't want hurt and disappointment from the man you love. But also, you can't expect someone else to provide you with happiness. Maybe he was saying that you have to be happy and healthy on your own, love yourself before being able to have a good relationship with someone else.

That's okay to be unsure about those things. Recover from this, be happy again in time. I think wanting marriage is a reasonable thing to want, but not as a demand almost, and not from someone you're unsure about. So, forget about it, and work on yourself. You've said it.

[Circe]

 

I'm not sure that he would ever really make me happy. I'm not even sure why I want marriage sometimes; the whole idea seems completely nonsensical at times. I know for sure though, he doesn't seem to care what *I* want. He only ever cares about what *he* wants. This manifests in many ways, big and small. He's overall a pretty selfish guy that doesn't really go out of his way to try and make me happy, and I only just realized it.

 

I really want out. I want out now.

 

Yeah.. you definitely do Not want to be married to someone who is selfish and consistently puts their needs ahead of yours. But perhaps when you are angry you see it all too much through one lens? It's just you have also said in this thread that he is there for you when you need him.

 

I guess just wait till you are not angry and then think about whether you actually want to marry him or not.

[Kalika]

You shouldn't compare your happiness with that of others. Everyone's time for proposals and other things comes at their own time. You have to work at it, wait, it should come if you let it be. Depends. That's pretty optimistic.

I'm sorry he said those things to you. You don't want hurt and disappointment from the man you love. But also, you can't expect someone else to provide you with happiness. Maybe he was saying that you have to be happy and healthy on your own, love yourself before being able to have a good relationship with someone else.

That's okay to be unsure about those things. Recover from this, be happy again in time. I think wanting marriage is a reasonable thing to want, but not as a demand almost, and not from someone you're unsure about. So, forget about it, and work on yourself. You've said it.

 

At the time he said this to me I was definitely in a bad place - not personally, but in other ways. I didn't like my job, which was extremely stressful, and I also didn't really like living in my hometown and wanted to move. Ultimately I did move, with the same company/new job, and now I'm much less stressed out. He used to complain about how I always used to complain about work - I almost never even talk about work now or anything like that... And I LOVE my new house, and generally I like living in this city now.. so all of those things have changed and I'm a much happier person for it... so what's his excuse now?

 

And I know I shouldn't compare my happiness to others... but it's hard not to when I see other girls have these guys who are dying to propose/marry them and make them happy, and then there's my guy acting as if he's waiting for someone really amazing to come along, like I'm not good enough.. it hurts so much.

[Kalika]

Yeah.. you definitely do Not want to be married to someone who is selfish and consistently puts their needs ahead of yours. But perhaps when you are angry you see it all too much through one lens? It's just you have also said in this thread that he is there for you when you need him.

 

He's here in the sense that he's never left.. or been disloyal, unfaithful, anything like that .. but he doesn't really care about making things easier for me when I'm stressed out, or doing anything romantic just for the hell of it, or anything like that.. if I tell him something that's important to me, he'll forget ... he's not very thoughtful of me.

 

You're right though.. right now I'm just in a really negative place time for sleep I guess