Dating a Schizophrenic?

[Lolligirl]

Hi! I'm a recently single new mother, and have started dating a longtime schizophrenic friend of mine. I've known him for almost a decade, and he is one of the most gentle, kind people I have ever met. He's the perfect boyfriend--except for the fact that he's a paranoid schizophrenic.

 

I've never known him to be dangerous. There were some incidents in his early twenties when he went on major rampages involving destruction of property, but after receiving extensive treatment and medication--he takes regular meds and has regular doctor appointments--he has learned to manage his symptoms, and live a productive (if unconventional), life.

 

I have an infant from a previous relationship, and I'm concerned about jumping into anything long-term with him for her sake. I've read the statistics: most schizophrenics aren't violent, and are more likely to be victims of violence than to perpetuate violence themselves--but I'm still wary. I'm also unsure of his financial situation--I feel he may have considerable help from his family--and I of course want things like financial stability, a house, etc. He says he can offer these things, but I have my doubts.

 

Could anyone offer me any opinions about entering into a long-term relationship with a schizophrenic? Would this be safe for my baby?

[mhowe]

Every situation is different. However...if you are looking for financial stability and he is receiving support from his family...you have your answer.

[Lolligirl]

He lives in a nice place, but I'm not exactly sure how he manages it. I just wish I knew whether he will be a safe parent for my baby.

[mhowe]

You are a single new mother....has he asked you to marry him?

 

As you say....he has been stable and medicated for years.

[Lolligirl]

No, we're not at that point yet. I've heard horror stories about schizophrenics going off the deep end and killing people, but I believe that is the exception to the rule.

[mhowe]

You've heard horror stories of seemingly normal people doing the same thing.

[FreedomRing]

You know.....if you were single and had no one depending on you, I'd say give it a go. But what about the day he "forgets his meds"? Or runs out? There's enough risk in the dating world as it is...I might just throw this fish back

[Moontiger]

I think you should take some time to just be with your kid. It should like you went from relationship to baby to new relationship very fast. Take sometime for yourself.

 

I agree with FreedomRing, most people with this disorder are not dangerous but what if he forgets to take his meds? Or starts thinking he doesn't need them anymore? You have a new child and should focus on that, no a new relationship.

[Batya33]

I would not date someone with that disorder if I had a young child especially with the increased risks associated with your and your child's safety. You can be his friend of course.

[Buttercup222]

I'd say don't necessarily 'throw him back into the waters', he may be a wonderful person that you would miss out on otherwise, just take it slow. If you can live on your own and he can live on his own and still have a great relationship then all the best to you! But people tend to hide things about themselves that they can no longer hide once you are living together, which would be hard on your child to have to deal with or have to move back out again. I would actually give this advice to any dating couple, not just for this situation.

[jimthzz]

I think your first and foremost role in life is to protect your child.

 

Any other interest takes a back seat to that.

 

A romance with a paranoid schizophrenic would give me pause. If not properly medicated they can have delusions and hallucinations and get fixated on things that could endanger a child.

 

I'm not suggesting that your friend will harm your kid. But the potential is there for things to go sour.

 

The key phrase is that you introduced "paranoid" to the diagnosis.

 

Read the text at this link:

 

link removed

[confuzzled1]

I would look at this very carefully. Yes he may be a great person and all that. He might be fine on his meds. But what if you get serious? Other than looking at could he endanger you and your child, you also have to realize that most antipsychotics come with several side effects. They can range from the person being almost catatonic to never ever being able to achieve any kind of a "love" life (the most common in fact and why most people back off or stop the meds). If it was me I would want to consult his therapist/psychiatrist and see how they feel about the situation and can give you insight as to what you may be handling.

[SpottiOtti]

Does he work? What does he do with his day? How is he supporting himself? How committed is he to staying on meds and is he getting therapy? What is his cognitive level of functioning like? What sort of hallucinations does he experience, and are they command hallucinations?

 

The thing about schizophrenia - mental illness in general actually - it is exacerbated by stress. I think if you want to move forward with this relationship, you should keep that in mind. Think about the stress a serious relationship can cause. You might have to keep the relationship more casual than you'd like, in order to minimize stress on him.

[sadchick83]

Personally, I would support him as a friend-whatever he needed, but I would not feel safe alone with him.

 

A very good friend of mine's brother was schizophrenic. He was in his late thirties living in his parents basement. He did all sorts of weird things like set the house on fire, body surfed accross my girlfriends accross the sofa, another time the parents came home and found all the furniture on the front lawn, and other weird things. Then around noon one day while his parents were returning home from buying his lunch, came home to fire trucks and ambulances. He killed himself. My friend (the sister) who is a medical professional said he had many challenges balancing his medication. They would accidentally double dose him, then he wouldn't take his meds, etc. Also, he felt he was a burden on his parents at his age.

 

I had another person with this illness living accross the street from me. He was a huge man, approximately 6' 5" and 275 lbs. About three times a week in the middle of the night, he would scream obscenities at people say is was going to F*ing kill them and just the worst things possible came out his mouth--absolutely insane and violent. These tirades would go on for hours. I only felt safe because I only came in through my back door. When I used my front door I had my aggressive-to-men dog with me, but since I lived alone, I was really frightened of this whole situation.

 

It's terrible that people have this disease, and I can sympathize how hard it is to balance their medication. I would support them as a friend but, I could not subject my child to anything or anyone dangerous. I don't think I could get a good night's sleep next to this guy either.

 

Now maybe this guy is completely under control. Maybe he has never had an outburst, I don't know. But, I couldn't risk my child with him. Also, what happens if you get in a huge argument??

[Miss Firecracker]

Don't think just because he is medicated he won't have delusions. The meds help a great deal with some patients, but you never can tell when that might change. I have a son with schizophrenia. He can be totally normal for hours, then say something totally off the wall to a stranger. He asked a cashier a week ago, "Did you know your husband is hiding crime scenes in your room?" Life will be interesting for you, to say the least.

[Lolligirl]

Thank you all so much for your insight, I really appreciate it. What makes this situation all the harder is what a kind, considerate, perfect gentleman he is. I could not realistically ask for a kinder, more thoughtful boyfriend, and someone who is on the exact same page as far as life and relationship goals.

 

I've known him almost a decade, and have never seen him act "crazy." The most I've seen is him texting me, asking why I was doing something I never said I was going to (because a voice told him this). He mentioned this to his doctor.

 

I need someone who's going to be able to help me with my baby, and at this point, I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone with my child to babysit on the sole basis of his condition. He's never given me reason to be afraid; yet, I'm not going to take the chance.

 

He invited me to sit in with one of his appointments and speak with his doctor directly, which I plan to do. He's committed to taking meds for life (which do not, thankfully, interfere with our love life!), and has a great family and support system. I'm not entirely sure of his financial situation, but he is in business for himself, and he says he makes decent money.

[Lolligirl]

Most of his delusions aren't commands. Most, and the ones that are don't command him to hurt people. He does see people and hear voices, and has landed in the hospital a couple of times in the past several years. He has endured SERIOUS relationship stress--think huge legal mess--and still never hurt anyone (although this was one incident that triggered a hospital stay).

 

I just don't know what to do.

[jimthzz]

 

I need someone who's going to be able to help me with my baby, and at this point, I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone with my child to babysit on the sole basis of his condition.

 

You say you don't know what to do. Yes you do!

 

You just don't want to do it.

 

Think with your rational part of your brain, about the best for your child.

[Moontiger]

Most of his delusions aren't commands. Most, and the ones that are don't command him to hurt people. He does see people and hear voices, and has landed in the hospital a couple of times in the past several years. He has endured SERIOUS relationship stress--think huge legal mess--and still never hurt anyone (although this was one incident that triggered a hospital stay).

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

All it takes is one delusion telling hin to do something and your baby will be in serious danger. What this cames down to is this: Is your child worth the risk?

[Cheetarah]

One of my friends has schizophrenia. On his proper medication regime, he is very functional and well. If he forgets or he gets off, he's not okay. I can't even talk to him. It is like dealing with an entirely different person.

 

The thing is, with medications you need tweaks or changes here and there, for the most part. People get stressed out, meds lose effectiveness, etc etc. So there will be issues from time to time. It is just the nature of the beast with mental illness.

 

Given you have a child, and his history of hospital stays due to episodes he has, I would suggest you support him as a friend if that's possible, rather than a romantic partner.

 

I read about your previous relationship and how volatile and abusive it was. Given it was assumingly a fairly recent split with a lot of issues to work through, I would take time for yourself and your infant, lest you find yourself in another bad dynamic. I can't stress how important it is to do that.

[Batya33]

For all your qualifiers all you need is him deciding that you are doing something with your child you said you never would do and before you know it he is at the playground because he's decided that your child should not be going down the slide so he goes to "rescue" your child which the voices have told him to do. Is it destructive or dangerous? No, but there are many ways of interacting with a young child that scare the heck out of them as it is - having someone around your child who is at high risk of saying or doing something like that is not worth it. Would you ever forgive yourself? And that's if all your qualifiers are true - you're no expert of course and you don't know what the voices might tell him from day to day or hour to hour.

[reinventmyself]

"The most I've seen is him texting me, asking why I was doing something I never said I was going to (because a voice told him)"

 

I was trying to be open minded while reading this thread until I reached this part.

As a parent you have an obligation to make the best choices possible for your child.

I would not knowingly expose my child to someone who heard voices. That would be irresponsible.

That in itself should stop you in your tracks.

Hold out for a healthy well adjusted partner. In the meantime focus on being a mom.

[sadchick83]

He invited me to sit in with one of his appointments and speak with his doctor directly, which I plan to do. He's committed to taking meds for life (which do not, thankfully, interfere with our love life!), and has a great family and support system. I'm not entirely sure of his financial situation, but he is in business for himself, and he says he makes decent money.

 

This sounds promising. He is being very open with his illness and you could get some insight from the exact individual who is treating him. But even the mental health professionals cannot precisely predict his behavior. There are no guarantees.

 

I think if you were not a mother, I would commend you for dating someone with this disability. He seems very nice and it's not his fault he was born with it. But with your child and the hospital episodes, it's just not worth it. I would put the safety of my child in front of my desire for romance any time.

 

Like the other poster said, these meds need constant tweaking. Suppose he switches to generic, he runs out or forgets to administer, then what?

If you do decide to go to his doctor's appointment, why don't you ask both of them what they think about introducing a baby into the relationship? It might give you some more insight.

[Batya33]

I would not ask his doctor this question because the doctor has to keep in mind his personal reputation and professional life being on the hook if he tells you that this person can be around your child safely. Also check around to find out if you could be in trouble with child protective services if you let a person with his disorder be alone with your child.

[greta96]

No, I wouldn't date anybody who tells me he does things because a voice tells him to.

No ifs, not buts..and if that makes me a bad person, so be it.