The Rebound

[Clinton]

I can't for the life of me get my mind around the idea of the rebound relationship. And I mean dumpees, not dumpers who have basically processed the emotions of the breakup before they dumped you. I mean, why in gods name do people try and date someone else while still basically in love with their ex. Or date simply because they are unable to stand on their own two feet and need an emotional crutch.

 

Are people really so desperate and weak that they can't spend time out of a romantic relationship? Can they not instead spend time with family and friends or simply enjoy their own company.

 

When I was dating I met slews of women who were less than a year removed from an ex and still obviously obsessed with them who claimed to be ready to move on. One of my good women friends can say the same of many guys she dated. If you still long for a reconciliation and would run back to the ex at the drop of a pin, you have no business dating. At best you're just wasting someone else's time. At worst you get romantically entangled with them and break their heart when you realise that they were just a temporary fix.

 

To the broken hearted I'd say, man up for gods sake and have the strength to heal on your own. At least that way you won't have to worry if your next relationship is legitimate instead of just your way of soothing a weak soul.

[mhowe]

Or date simply because they are unable to stand on their own two feet and need an emotional crutch

 

In a nutshell, THIS.

[Iggy5129]

I would like to know the answer to this as well.

 

Unfortunately we cannot control others and stop them from doing this. Best thing to do is just walk away from situations like this.

[Cheetarah]

I feel like I meet more people who do it than those who don't. Plenty of people on this forum do it, too.

 

I used to, when I was younger. Now when I see it... I want to shake them and say "Listen to me! You can't run away from it. It's going to catch up to you eventually, and you're going to be all on your own when that happens with no one to prop you up. Don't let it get to that point where you don't even know how to handle yourself."

 

In the same token, I'm not going to sit here calling them weak and what have you. People do a lot of destructive things in times of grief(and that obviously comes with the end of a relationship). It doesn't excuse pains caused but rather provides an explanation. Calling them weak infers I am somehow superior because I do not do that. And I'd rather not run around claiming a moral high ground. I may not do that but I make other mistakes in dating and relationships.

[90_hour_sleep]

Are people really so desperate and weak that they can't spend time out of a romantic relationship? Can they not instead spend time with family and friends or simply enjoy their own company.

 

I've certainly felt desperate and weak while in the grips of crisis mode. Could I spend time with family and friends? I probably could. This time around...I have no family here. And, on some levels, I don't have close friendships here either. I isolated and detached and relied heavily on the woman I was with for social excursions. So, now I'm here. I'm very alone. Working on building friendships. But feeling incredibly alone at the same time. We don't all have the same resources at hand to help us through tough times. I don't see the difference in pining over an ex, and moving on to someone else. Sides of the same coin. Pining for an ex is receding into yourself...becoming completely self-absorbed. Moving onto someone else is looking outside of yourself for salvation. They're both flawed coping mechanisms that fail entirely to get to the roots of emotional distress. But it's part of the path. Repeated failures means repeated exposure to the ways we stumble. Sooner or later we're bound to wake up.

 

So...loneliness is a powerful motivator. Some people are not in a place where they're ready to feel that. It often takes a series of emotional traumas for someone to feel ready for that. We're all at different stages. We all move at different paces.

 

I think of my own patterns. For me, I've never found solace in another person after a breakup. It just hasn't worked out that way. But I have other ways of deceiving myself...and keeping myself stuck. Flawed coping mechanisms. Agree with Cheet. People who don't do this aren't inherently superior. They're just different. If you're ready to embrace loneliness and delve into your own inner turmoil...power to you! It's a wonderful thing that will propel you forward in life. But remember the times when you weren't ready for that...when all you wanted to do was run. Remember that and realize that so many people feel that way.

 

We all want the same things...and we're doing the best we can to get there with what we know. Life lessons.

[sky09]

We are all at least a little bit selfish. Breakups are hard and most don't have the will-power to plow thru and deal with the emotions, so they go out and find somebody else to mask the pain. They certainly don't think about hurting anyone (intentionally) long-term.

[itsallgrand]

It's not my way either. So in a way, I don't totally understand it.

 

But out of the things people do which have the potential to harm others, I think this is a rather minor one as far as adult relationships go. These people are pretty easy to spot. And a lot of times, they want to move fast and they are quite obviously needy. So it isn't too hard to simply move out of the way of them.

 

I actually think these people are more concerning as far as when they have children, and the potential there for emotionally neglecting their kids. My mom was, could be argued is, someone like this. She can not be alone. Ever. She is a cling-on type. And when she didn't have a partner and was faced with grief, we were in many ways abandoned in order for her to find her fixes.

 

So perhaps in part because of that, I can be empathetic, until the point where there are true dependents brought into the mix. These people are pseudo-dependents, they are looking for someone out there to take care of them, and it's just not possible for someone like that to be emotionally and even physically stable enough to be there for someone who really needs them 100%.

 

I think if you can recognize that as an adult and meeting other adults for the potential of a relationship, it's basically a pretty strong antidote to getting involved with one.