Weight gain in long term relationships

[Firiel]

Okay, this question is specific to me, but I also think it's a good general question, considering how many threads we see here on weight gain.

 

How much is too much? I'm honestly a little worried about weight gain in my own relationship.

 

First of all, I'm tall (5' 10.5"), so keep that in mind when considering my weight.

 

When my boyfriend and I started dating (a little over a year and a half ago), I was REALLY thin. As in way too thin. I was going through a really rough time, and that showed itself through unintentional weight loss. At my lightest, I was 121 pounds (17.1 BMI-- pretty significantly underweight). I'm not sure what I weighed exactly when we started dating, but I was probably between 123-128. Still too thin.

 

Anyway, as I got through that rough time, I gained the weight back (a good thing from a health perspective!). Before the weight loss, my "normal" weight was between 132-137. Still quite thin and perfectly healthy. Right now, as winter approaches, I'm hanging out in the heavy end of that spectrum. I guess I'm worried because I've already gained at least 10 pounds in this relationship. Sure, it was healthy weight, but he tends to be attracted to thin women and I'm 10-15 pounds less-thin than I was when we got together.

 

My weight right now doesn't bother me. I know he is still incredibly attracted to me. But I am a little worried about future weight gain. While I don't expect to gain a lot of weight as I get older (most of my older relatives are still healthy and fit), I know that people do tend to put on some weight as they age naturally, especially women. If we are together long term, then there is a good chance I will gain 10-20 pounds as I age. I think that's pretty normal. But when you add that to the 10-15 pounds I've already gained in our relationship, that means I could be 20-35 pounds heavier as a middle-aged person than I was when we first started dating. If he was really attracted to me at 125 pounds, would he still be attracted to me at 160 pounds?!

 

I know this might sound silly, but it worries me because I've never gained weight in a relationship before. I sometimes feel bad that I've gained 10-15 pounds while we've been seeing each other, even though it was perfectly healthy and necessary weight to gain. Anyway, I've never worried about gaining 10-20 pounds as I age because the threads here for that much weight gain over a period of years tend to tell the guy to stop being so petty. But when people post about larger weight gains (30 pounds and up), the response tends to be more understanding (which I'm not saying is necessarily a bad thing).

 

So, how much weight gain is too much?

[lavenderdove]

Honey, no man is worth being anorectic for, and if he expects that, then he doesn't care about you and you don't want him.

 

132-137 is perfectly normal for 5'10.5 inches, in fact on the thin side and low end of the range. You need to be focused on being healthy, not being anorectic or model thin, since most models are at unhealthy weights and only maintain their weight by living on drugs and lettuce.

 

And if he can't love you at a normal weight, then he doesn't really love you and won't love you when you start to age, sag, get wrinkles, get pregnant etc., which he should do or he is not the right man for you.

 

No weight gain is too much if you are in the healthy range for your height, and your BMI is in normal range.

[annie24]

well, 30 lbs on you is not the same thing as 30 lbs on a 5'4" woman. I think you should focus on being healthy, it seems like you're doing a good job of it.

[Firiel]

Thanks, lavenderdove!

 

I should probably add that he's never said anything to give me this insecurity, other than perhaps letting me know that I'm pretty much his ideal physical build (which isn't his fault-- it's a compliment!). The only times he's ever mentioned my weight is asking me (concernedly) if I've lost weight a couple times when we've seen each other after a while.

[tiredofvampires]

People don't necessarily gain weight when they age -- they do IF they don't exercise and eat proportionally to their metabolism starting to slow down. If you remain active and fit like your relatives, it's very likely you won't continue to gain, after you plateau off at your healthy weight.

 

All the people in my age range and older (even senior citizens) that I know who are health-conscious -- they stay active with exercise and eat healthy food -- are of normal weight. You do have to work a little harder to get the same results, but if lifelong healthy living is a habit, it's not likely to be a problem and you're not going to gain 30+ pounds.

 

I'm at my lowest weight in a few years -- some say I "could afford to gain a little" -- and I don't even exercise as regularly as I'd like. I owe it to stressful events and lower caloric intake. So age is not really a strong determinant of weight gain, like an inevitable process.

 

Also, exercise keeps your metabolism high, it doesn't just burn fat.

[abitbroken]

Most people are not troubled by 5-10 extra lbs if the person is active and just getting older as they are when someone is not taking care of themselves, not exercising, etc, and gaining it from being sedentary. "letting themselves go," if you will.

[Realitynut]

Few years back, i read that if you want to know about how much you should weight, you could use this 'standard'. 100lbs for 5 ft. 5 pounds for every inch above. So....5'10....150. At 160, you would only be 10 pounds over your optimum weight. That is for the 'average' woman. Then they put on for the model types. 100 lbs. for 5 ft. 3 pounds for every inch. For that you would be 130. MODEL weight.

 

With all the exercise you get, you will NEVER be overweight...ever! PLUS...as you know, muscle weighs more than fat...so bmi's don't always take into account for that. You know what you look and feel good as....135 should be perfect....

 

You are, and always will be an athlete. You will never be a fat slob. Women tend to gain weight as they age, primarily because of child berthing. Men gain weight to as they age. I have always found that i gain weight in a relationship because i COOK for the two of us. I enjoy eating when i am with someone. I do it as a bonding thing...lol...over food. Let's eat popcorn and watch a movie. Let's go for an icecream....lol...you get the idea.

 

As LD said above, if he doesn't still love you over a small weight gain, will he still love you when you get wrinkles, gray hair, etc. etc. Don't sweat it.....if he loves you, he will love you as you are. I KNOW, you won't let your weight get out of control.....it's who you are!!!

[abitbroken]

Few years back, i read that if you want to know about how much you should weight, you could use this 'standard'. 100lbs for 5 ft. 5 pounds for every inch above. So....5'10....150. At 160, you would only be 10 pounds over your optimum weight. That is for the 'average' woman. Then they put on for the model types. 100 lbs. for 5 ft. 3 pounds for every inch. For that you would be 130. MODEL weight.

 

I don't agree with that. My sis is 5' and she was dangerously thin at 103. She is not big boned. It may work for women who are taller, but not at the shorter end of the realm. You really have to do your BMI as a case by case basis. And that would mean the average 5'9" is healthy at 160 lbs. And they wouldn't be able to be a runway model at that weight.

[BigKK]

Firiel you have nothing to worry about, if you had a lifestyle switch. Started watching TV and cut out all exercise, eating like crap... then guess what? Weight gain will be a part of it, but I guarantee you the bigger thing will be the fact that you changed a big part of who you are. Since this is not the case I wouldn't worry, besides that I don't think you have anything to worry about regardless.

 

 

It's a sensitive subject though and I'm on the other side, trying to be sensitive to my girlfriend but she doesn't deal with stress well. Her ideal stress management is ice cream, netflix, and dumping all exercise...and that just leads to more stress. I don't say much besides not skimping on my own workouts, which is what I was doing... she'll offer some ice cream and netflix evening, and I'll say no thanks about to go for a run and don't wanna ruin my progress.

 

 

BMI I reckon is more accurate if you have an average build and don't do any weight lifting...as soon as you do some resistance training, you might as well never look at BMI again.

[tiredofvampires]

BMI I reckon is more accurate if you have an average build and don't do any weight lifting...as soon as you do some resistance training, you might as well never look at BMI again.

 

I have always wondered about that. It seems the BMI charts I've seen don't differentiate between women and men, various builds, muscle mass, etc. They're merely height ratios. If I'm not looking at the right ones, someone correct me!

[Firiel]

I have always wondered about that. It seems the BMI charts I've seen don't differentiate between women and men, various builds, muscle mass, etc. They're merely height ratios. If I'm not looking at the right ones, someone correct me!

 

Yes, they are only height ratios. For me, as a woman with an average build, I think it's a good estimate. I trust it more for women than for men because men tend to be more muscular/heavy than women.

[superfan]

I am 5'3" and weight in the range of 130-140. Technically I should be "overweight" by those standards, but I don't believe I am. You can't see it in my photo, but I carry it pretty well. At my heaviest, I was about 200lbs, and that WAS highly overweight. My husband met me when I was still VERY overweight and was very attracted to me.

 

The thing is, life happens. People gain weight and lose weight for various reasons. For some, it is easy to stay fit and healthy and maintain your weight. For others, life happens - illness, medications, pregnancy weight, etc. If you don't believe your partner will be around for the long haul should any of those things happen, you are with the wrong person.

[Batya33]

I'm 5"2(and a half!) and other than when I was pregnant and for a few months on the wrong birth control pill, my weight over the last 25 years (I am forty-eight) has ranged between 105 and 113 and for most of that time it has ranged between 109-113. After I lost my pregnancy weight and was 43 I was thinner (by a few pounds) than I had been in over 20 years. My mother and sister have always been thin and for the last 10-15 years have been thinner than I am. My mother always ate normally (never was weight conscious) and my sister and I had eating issues as teenagers/young adults- she might still. But in general, we have not gained weight as we have aged, we all exercise regularly but not fanatically (well I am neurotic about exercising every single day but not for long periods of time). I have several friends in their 40s who are slim. I feel like at 48 I probably have to watch a bit more carefully than at 28 but also my tastes have changed (still love carbs, less of a rich chocolate/sweet tooth)- giving up diet soda helped my weight (decreased the carb triggers) as did being active with a young child at least a few hours a day and often more.

 

Having said all that I would not have married my husband if I felt he expected me to stay thin. In shape, sure, I guess so - but there's a wide range of in shape. Because of my eating issues so many years ago I never want to feel pressured to be very thin. He never commented on my pregnancy weight gain other than positively and was supportive about my losing the weight fast but it had nothing to do with him wanting me to do it. I would have hated that feeling. I know that if I gained 50 pounds because of an illness or other condition he would still love me. If I gained 50 pounds just because he would probably be very concerned because it would be so unlike me.

 

My husband has put on weight in the last few years. I would like him to lose it for his health and to go back to exercising for his health. As far as attraction -really doesn't affect me. I notice the weight gain but not in any concerning way as far as our romantic relationship.