I have a unexplainable, deep connection with a friend

[crazenitely]

I need help. I have a strange, deep, nonsexual connection to a friend I recently met. I’m trying to stop these feelings, but it’s so hard because I love him. It's such a weird, unexplainable feeling I have for him I know that sounds gay, but I’m not gay. It’s making me so confused. Here’s my story:

 

About a year ago I moved into a new condo and met a guy who I instantly knew was just like me. We are both married with kids. We are loud and funny, enjoy the same type of inappropriate humor, and we think the same type of way. When I first met him, we didn’t connect, but I knew we would. After a few months of the casual “hello”, we met up for lunch, but I had no idea that my life was about to change.

 

Eventually we found ourselves hanging out ALL of the time, texting each other all day, meeting up several nights out of the week to drink, and workout. We went to basketball games, concerts, and bars together, and occasionally met up for lunch. I met his close friends and he’s met mines. When we see each other, we would get so excited and hug each other. We have so many similarities that it’s crazy. Sometimes it feels like he’s much more than just a friend. It’s like he’s my other half. People might think we have a homosexual relationship, I know his wife did at one point, but it was nothing like that at all. I never had a sexual thought about him. It was just a pure, instant bizarre connection that developed. To say the least, I’m in love with that guy. It’s weird, confusing and driving me crazy. The feelings I have for him are strange, and I’m trying to process it but I just don’t know how. We were becoming inseparable. He told me before that if I moved he would cry. And he told me several times that he loved me. When we were hanging out with other people, he even told them that he loved me. It’s like saying I love you is becoming normal for us and hugging is becoming normal. NEVER have I done this with a friend or even my brother.

 

I can tell that his wife doesn’t approve of how close we are. One time, in a moment of comfort, he told his young daughter to start calling me Uncle. I mentioned it in front of his wife. She had the biggest look of disgust and I could tell she did not approve of it. She doesn’t get or like the closeness we have. She even said that the way he talks to me is strange; apparently he doesn’t talk to his other friends in the same manner. However, it doesn’t bother my wife at all. She knows him and I are close, but she is more secure than his wife. But she tells me all the time that when she’s outside, she sees him looking down at our house looking for me. I know he does that because I do the same exact thing.

 

My life changed when I fell in love with him and I’m scared and confused. Having this close relationship with him is a blessing and a curse. A blessing to have experienced another form of love that I know is so rare and intense, yet a curse because it makes me vulnerable and confused, so I want it to end. I search online how to fall out of love with someone. lol. I also search how to stop having an emotional attachment with someone. I want to just be his normal friend and not have this bizarre connection. Let me explain further:

 

I find myself missing him when he’s not around, thinking about him ALL of the time, getting jealous when he’s hanging with other friends. This is not normal behavior. I just want to be his friend, but it feels like he’s something more that I can’t explain. I want to be okay when he hangs with other people. He tells me that he doesn’t want to go hang out with his other friends if I don’t go. And he’s known his other friends a couple years before he met me. I want us to be okay with being separated for a long period of time. When I’m away on business trips or family vacations, he text me telling me how much he misses me. I want to text him telling him I miss him when he’s away, but I always decide not to, I don’t want our connection to intensify so I keep it to myself. But when we get back we both light up because we missed each other so much. I can’t help but to feel that way. I just control these feelings. So, I do my best to stay away, but he keeps coming around me, and I to him because we are just drawn to each other. It feels comforting being around him and it’s really hard for me to fight it. I don’t understand why my bond with him so intense and deep, much more deep than with my siblings. I don’t want it to be that way.

 

I’ve noticed that it helps when he’s away on vacation or business trips and it helps when I hang with other people without him, I’m better able to suppress my feelings. I go hang out and workout with different buddies. It makes him jealous but I have to do it because it helps me get over whatever thing I have for this guy. But when we meet up and hang out, it’s like the world stops, like there’s no care or worry in the world. And it only makes me love him stronger than before. He lives too close for me to cut him out completely, but if we didn’t live so close, I think I would be better able to end it. I’m tired of looking out my window wondering when he’s coming home, or thinking about him all day, or getting excited when he text me. I live so close to him, why do we even text when we are at work? Why do I want to talk to him or hear from him EVERY day?

 

He’s making me crazy in the head, because sometimes I get jealous when we’re hanging with other people. I know I shouldn’t be and that’s part of the reason I need to end these feelings. He makes me question whether or not he’s my friend or if he acts this way to everyone else. I over analyze every situation. Like when other people are around talking, it seems like he forgets about me and talks more to the other person, but that could be my emotions playing tricks on my mind. So I’m like, okay, he’s just a friendly guy and he treats everyone the same way, so there’s nothing special between us. But then I wonder, does he text other people so much? Did he ask them to go to this game before he asked me? He’s making me CRAZY. Again, I’m not gay. We never even came close to having sex, nor will we EVER do that, and that’s part of the confusion. It would be easier to comprehend if I were sexually attracted to him, but I’m just not.

 

I read online that there is a rare type of friendship that can be very intense and filled with deep love, but can anyone give advice on how to handle it? I could REALLY use some help!

[faraday]

I think it's kind of cute.

 

I have no idea how to "care less" about someone though.

[offplanet]

It could be something not explainable, something which just is. It's a pity if it bothers you a lot, although it does sound uncomfortably intense. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you except maybe do things with other people more because as you say, it helps you.

[lavenderdove]

>>I’ve noticed that it helps when he’s away on vacation or business trips and it helps when I hang with other people without him,

 

It is perfectly OK to have 'brotherly' feelings about someone and some brothers are quite close without any romantic component to it at all.

 

But the problem I see here is the obsessive quality you have for each other and the amount of time this is taking you away from your wife and family, and you seem to be replacing a close emotional bond with your wife with a close bond with this guy. Though you may not have romantic feelings for him, you can't be sure exactly what is going on in his head and he might be heading in that direction, especially if there is lots of jealousy involved.

 

What you need to work on is the fact that all this batching around you are doing with him must be cutting into time and bonding with your wife and family. It's like the two of you are wanting to retreat into a world where you are kids again and brothers who do everything together. so you two are 'stuck' in an adolescent state of 'bro's before ho's' rather than acting like a couple of married men who are fully enmeshed and devoted to family life with your wife and kids.

 

I think you should consider therapy to talk about this and how to establish healthy boundaries. There is nothing wrong at all with having a close male friend but it is obsessive (as this has become) then needs to be about exploring why you are obsessed with him and getting that under control because eventually it could really damage your marriage and kids if your attention is going towards him rather than them.

 

I suggest that if you know you are better when you don't see him a lot, then you just need to ramp back the contact. It can be as simple as telling him you need to devote more time to family life (as does he if he wife is getting disgusted by this). You're not kids anymore and have other responsibilities so focus on that and tell him that. Then start weaning off the contact with him. Perhaps seeing him only in group settings, or at set times (once a month for raquetball) where you don't text and interact between those times. Or make him a workout buddy, where you only see him when you work out, but cut out all the 'extra' games, concerts, bars, and lunches which have a more 'date-like' feel to them and take away from time with your family.

 

So if you feel out of control, then start establishing some boundaries, and don't feel bad about telling him you need boundaries because you are having fun playing at being brothers, but you're adults and have family responsibilites and don't want your wives to feel shut out or weird about it.

 

Meanwhile you might consider counseling. It's great that you have a friend, but the depth of this 'bromance' might need some investigation to understand why you suddenly want a return to childhood kind of situation with a a 'found' brother.

[crazenitely]

Lavenderdove,

 

WOW. That was a great response. It seems like you know me and the situation very well.

 

I have to admit that my friend and I both have obsessive personality traits. We both talked about our addiction to things. I guess we are now obsessed with each other and it caught us by surprise.

 

The thing is that I’ve always been “stuck” in the adolescent state. I’m a big kid. Always have been and probably always will be. While I am responsible with keeping a job, saving for retirement, and spending quality with my kids, I still enjoy playing video games, watching cartoons, and having the most fun I possible can. We both can be very immature and find humor in the most inappropriate topics. That’s part of what draws us together. But he has the biggest heart. My screen door was falling a part. Without asking or even mentioning it, he came over with his tools and fixed it. I was shocked he would do something unprompted, but also felt a little upset because he’s making it hard for me to get over him when he keeps doing these kind acts. And the thing is, he would do that for anyone. He’s always there to help people in any way without expecting anything in return, JUST like me. It’s like he’s my freaking twin.

 

Like you recommended, I’ve been thinking about getting counseling, but I also want to tell my wife. I don’t think I should have this deep emotional connection with someone else. It’s strange because she’s okay with the relationship, not jealous at all. I would love to tell her about the feelings I have for him, and of course assure her there’s no sexual desires involved. But if I do tell her, then I fear she might not like us hanging out. So maybe it’s best to see a counselor to work things out. I’ll look into it, so thanks for that advice.

 

As far as boundaries, we are trying. When I’m not around for like a week or two, I do much better. But when we talk and hang out, it bursts out again. I want to be able to hang out with him without these strange emotions. I love the guy too much though. UGH! I need that counselor.

[mhowe]

Why not share with a counselor first instead of potentially "over sharing" with wifey. She's fine with it now --- she may not be if she hears you are obsessed by him.

[Capricorn3]

We are both married with kids.

 

To say the least, I’m in love with that guy. And he told me several times that he loved me.

 

I can tell that his wife doesn’t approve of how close we are. One time, in a moment of comfort, he told his young daughter to start calling me Uncle. I mentioned it in front of his wife. She had the biggest look of disgust and I could tell she did not approve of it. She doesn’t get or like the closeness we have. She even said that the way he talks to me is strange;

 

My life changed when I fell in love with him

 

Again, I’m not gay.

While I understand that it's great to have a close friendship, clearly this "friendship" is getting way too close for comfort - especially for his wife. This is HUGE and you should really take some time out and look at the big picture from HER point of view. Clearly, she does NOT approve, does NOT like what is going on and you should respect that. You are basically stepping on her turf and she is not happy about it. That means, back off.

 

Also, you mention several times that you are in love with him and he has said the same back to you. It is very obvious that the wife can "see" this and it is no wonder or surprise that she does not approve and is "disgusted". Very understandable (imo). Again, see it from HER side and you need to respect her feelings.

 

That said, when anything gets out of hand, intense to the point of obsession, then you know that professional counseling/therapy is the way to go. I think you are at that point. You need therapy.

[crazenitely]

Thank you all for your advice. I know what I need to do - end it. I'm going to end it myself, meaning not respond to his text, go over to his house, and just not be around him anymore.

 

If I can't, then I will see a therapist for help.

 

When he comes over and ask why I'm avoiding him, which he will, I'm just going to say I've been busy.

[GhostB88]

How long has this friendship lasted? If it's short, maybe it's just a phase and it will die out soon?

 

And cutting off a friendship seems silly. Maybe you should let the friendship naturally dampen over time. I know that I am excited to meet someone who is exactly like me, but over time it gets boring, because he is EXACTLY like me! I would think, why do I need to hang out with him when hanging out by myself is exactly the same.

 

So I think the vital piece of information you need to tell us is how long have you had this unhealthy friendship?

[mhowe]

How long has this friendship lasted? If it's short, maybe it's just a phase and it will die out soon?

 

And cutting off a friendship seems silly. Maybe you should let the friendship naturally dampen over time. I know that I am excited to meet someone who is exactly like me, but over time it gets boring, because he is EXACTLY like me! I would think, why do I need to hang out with him when hanging out by myself is exactly the same.

 

So I think the vital piece of information you need to tell us is how long have you had this unhealthy friendship?

 

About a year ago I moved into a new condo and met a guy who I instantly knew was just like me.

 

From his original post.

[GhostB88]

Ok, sorry I misread that.

 

So after a year, has these feelings intensified or dampened?

[crazenitely]

I moved in summer of 2013, but we didn’t hang out until March of 2014, so it’s only been 8 months. All it took was one time going out for drinks. The feelings intensify.

 

It’s so strange. Since my original post, I’ve tried to distance myself from him for a while, but didn’t. We spent more time together and had tons of fun. We drink, make jokes, talk about sex and girls, football, make mean, funny jokes about each other, and say the most inappropriate things. And yes, we still hug. When we hang with other people, we bring out the crazy, fun in them as well. Basically, he thinks of each other as our best friends. People tell us we act like we are in a relationship but we don’t care. I know this must sound crazy for spending time together for only 8 months, but it feels like I’ve known him my entire life. I can’t even say he’s like a brother because that doesn’t describe these feelings.

 

I wish I had this type of relationship with the 4 brothers I have. I sometimes wonder why I can’t connect with my brothers the way I connect with my friend. That's something I am now starting to regret.

 

I think his wife has an issue with me. She’s annoyed with me and I recently found out that she told him that she wants him to spend less time with me. Understandable, but again, it doesn’t bother my wife. We hang out twice a week, maybe three, while meet up for lunch occasionally. We text frequently - I love talking to him. He also wants me to initiate hanging out more. He tells me that I never ask or invite him over, but I’m trying to be respectful to his wife. Honestly I’m starting to dislike his wife for making me feel bad for hanging with him. She thinks I encourage his immaturity. I think she’s foolish for thinking that.

 

I’ve been talking to a lot of people about this situation. Some people say that having this emotional attachment to each other is not healthy and other people say there’s nothing wrong with having a friend who you are close to. I don’t know. Overall, I’m happy to have him in my life. Yes I love the guy and these emotions can be uncontrollable at times. But I hope by seeing less of him, things will cool down.

 

But we do have another issue I need to address with him – the jealousy. I want him to know that he doesn’t have to include me when he meets up with his other friends and I don’t have to include him. Yes, I do get jealous when he’s with his other friends, but I know that I shouldn’t behave that way. Also whenever I’m having a good time with someone else in front of him, he always bring it up later by making a remark that I’ve found a new best friend. And I jokingly remind him that he’s the #1 man in my life. We laugh, but it seems like this is happening more and more.

[GhostB88]

I don't think it's a big issue if you can clearly define what you guys have for each other as just friends. I mean as long as you guys both talked about this in the open and agreed that there are no sexual desires towards each other, then it is clearly just friendship. However, if things are heading towards a sexual relationship, then that's when it will get complicated. For one thing, how often do you guys hug? And how long are the hugs? Is it a friendly guy to guy hug that lasts less than a second? Or a long lasting hug that lasts upwards of a minute? And do you guys talk about intimate things while hugging?

 

Anyways, I don't mean to pry on your personal life, but you should make the distinction. The bottom line is, pure friendship should be no problem, and your friend's wife should be more understanding. Perhaps you can include her in some of these hang out times.

 

If on the other side, your friendship is developing into a relationship, then that's trouble, because you guys might just break up your current families and start new one, causing pain for everyone in the process. In that case, then I think you should stop seeing each other to prevent the emotional damage.

[Capricorn3]

I think his wife has an issue with me. She’s annoyed with me and I recently found out that she told him that she wants him to spend less time with me. We hang out twice a week, maybe three, while meet up for lunch occasionally. We text frequently - I love talking to him. He also wants me to initiate hanging out more. He tells me that I never ask or invite him over, but I’m trying to be respectful to his wife. Honestly I’m starting to dislike his wife for making me feel bad for hanging with him. She thinks I encourage his immaturity. I think she’s foolish for thinking that.

Once again, this is the biggest part you SHOULD be taking note of, but it seems you have just decided you will ignore it by continuing to see him, hug him, etc etc. You say you want to show respect to the wife, but you are contradicting yourself big time.

 

She thinks I encourage his immaturity. I think she’s foolish for thinking that.

 

She's probably 100% correct. He probably encourages your immaturity too. She is witness to how you both behave all the time - hence she doesn't approve of this unhealthy relationship you have with her husband.

 

Honestly I’m starting to dislike his wife for making me feel bad for hanging with him.

That's a major guilty conscience speaking because you know she's right and it hit a nerve.

[Megs49]

Sorry it's late to respond, but been through something a bit similar, so this hit close to home... I've had a friendship like that. It is possible be normal and not hurt others in the process, but it *does* bother his wife and makes her feel threatened even if you know you're not going to be sexual with him and she is probably insulted along with angry, sad, confused, anxious. I guess just try to think about that and try to decide if you're okay with how it's affecting her, then take it from there or not. If it bothers you and makes you feel guilty, then I'd be careful to change the relationship, because it's causing you harm and may take another person with it-- I'm not saying you have to stop loving him even, but I would maybe try to minimize and pain that could happen as a result of this friendship.

 

I have been there and love is a weird, unpredictable thing, isn't it? The control it has. It can come in all different ways and leave you feeling shocked and scared and disoriented. Don't beat yourself up too much; it sounds like you're being a lot harder on yourself. You can't turn off love of any sort like a switch, and if you can, it wasn't love, or that's my opinion. You feel like you're going crazy a bit, don't you? It's intense and real, but you have no control of it and like you said, you'd change it or just quit if you could. This is a painful thing to experience and I know it's hard to see the light at the other end of this tunnel. This is why love scares people.Godspeed to you.

[crazenitely]

Thanks for your response, Megs49. Please share your story. What happened and how did you control your emotions?

 

Regarding my friend, I still love him and it sucks. I told him I loved him like a brother, but maybe it’s more. I don’t know. It’s still so confusing to me. I hate that I allowed myself to get this way because I’m pretty guarded with my emotions. Anyway, he told me he felt the same way. The good news is that he’s spending more time with his wife. I think they talked about it and she’s more open to me. She now comes out to talk to me and make jokes with me. She even comes out and have a drink or two with us. We don’t hang out as often, but when we do, it’s magical to me.

 

I’m tired of fighting these emotions so I just have to accept the situation. I do think about him a lot and hopefully over time that will change. But it is what it is. I kind of feel foolish thinking of him so highly when I’ve only known him for 8 months, but he’s special. I want my feelings to calm down, hopefully it will with time.

 

He’s just very special to me because of his personality - it’s so addicting. He shows me how to be myself without regrets. I am more open and more comfortable being myself around other people. As a result, I’m growing as a person and able to connect with so many other people, including my own brother, who I am trying to rebuild a relationship with after years of not speaking. This has helped me connect to old friends and make new ones. My friend still gets jealous when I hang around other people but that’s something we have to work out eventually.

 

Overall it sucks loving someone or thinking I love him the way that I do. And it really sucks being so attached to him the way that I am. I hope with time, things will get better. But I've decided to treat him like a brother and not stop spending time with him, but be a good, loyal friend to him.

[crazenitely]

A lot of you criticized me for having this close emotional relationship with my friend, but I read an article that made me feel like it was okay and confirmed that a man could love a man in completely nonsexual way. Society today is so off on this that its shameful because so many men are missing out on this wonderful experience that I am currently having. Here’s the link, link removed, but I also included some quotes below:

 

"In ancient times, men viewed man friendships as the most fulfilling relationship a person could have…. Aristotle and other philosophers extolled the virtues of platonic relationships- a relationship of emotional connection without sexual intimacy. Platonic relationships, according to Aristotle, were the ideal.”

 

“Man friendships in many instances had a similar intensity as romantic relationships between men and women. Essentially, it was a continuation of the heroic friendship of the ancient world, coupled with the emphasis on emotion common to the Romantic Age. A fervent bond did not necessarily imply a sexual relationship; the idea that these ardent friendships in some way compromised a man’s heterosexuality is largely a modern conception.”

 

“In addition to using affectionate language with each other, men during the 19th century weren’t afraid to be physically affectionate. Many men would give no thought to draping their arms around their bud or even holding hands”

 

“There are several reasons why men were so damn affectionate with each other back in the day. First, men were free to have affectionate man relationships with each other without fear of being called a “” because the concept of homosexuality as we know it today didn’t exist then. America didn’t have the strict straight/gay dichotomy that currently exists. Affectionate feelings weren’t strictly labeled as sexual or platonic.”

 

“Suburbia created other places where men could establish man friendships- the golf course, the front yard, and work. Instead of basing friendships on an emotional bond, men in the 20th century based their friendship around activities.”

 

“Studies reveal that men who have several close friends are generally happier and live longer than men who don’t. And yet research shows the number of friends and confidantes a man has to be steadily dropping, leading to greater isolation and loneliness. Once you leave college, and especially once you get married and have kids, it becomes pretty difficult to make and keep friends. But the effort is worth it.

 

I came to this forum to get help processing and understanding this type of love for another man, but maybe I don’t need it. Maybe what I’m experiencing is completely natural.

[faraday]

I want to say that I think your relationship is fine. I've had super close gfs before, and I actually crave that kind of friendship again. So I get what you're saying.

 

Okay, two thoughts.

 

Always look at your source for articles. Not saying it's wrong (I didn't go check it out) but there are many anti-vax sites out there, many sites that are anti-GMO....just many sites that are opinion rather than fact...and anyone can make a site...so...just keep in mind that while the internet is a great resource of information, it's also a great source of misinformation.

 

Secondly, I think your biggest concern is your buddy's wife. I mean, the article is great, your friendship is great...but she's the one that you need to get on board. How are you going to do that?

[GhostB88]

You came here to get advice and perspectives from non-biased third parties, not confirmation nor acceptance on your behavior.

 

If you want approval for your actions, then go ahead and keep searching for those articles that align with your perspective.

[crazenitely]

You came here to get advice and perspectives from non-biased third parties, not confirmation nor acceptance on your behavior.

 

If you want approval for your actions, then go ahead and keep searching for those articles that align with your perspective.

 

Actually, I came here to get advice on how to stop the strong feelings I have for him, not approval. I was hoping to get someone who went thru something similar. The article basically said those feelings are normal and natural. I just have to be okay with it, which I am learning to deal with.

[crazenitely]

Thanks faraday! But it's on the internet, so it must be true... joking.

 

We have no problem telling each other that we can't spend time together if one of us need to stay in. We only spend time together 1-2 times a week now and he spends more time with his wife. I'm happy for him. She is also much more open to me. So it's all good. If I feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries, I know how to back off. What I have to watch out for is not getting carried away and spending too much time together. He feels that he is the one who always initiatives spending time together so he tells me that I need to invite him over more or I need to text him when I want to hang out. If I feel like I'm spending too much time together, I just don't text him or invite him over.

[saluk]

"Platonic relationships, according to Aristotle, were the ideal.”

I just found that quote incredibly funny. You would think Plato's student would idealize Plato-nic relationships

 

OK, maybe I didn't read the responses very closely, but I didn't hear anyone criticize you for having such a relationship or those feelings. What they were concerned with was how OK you were with the damaging parts of this - spending too much time away from your wives, bringing out immaturity in each other, the jealousy issues that you were experiencing, etc. These are all issues that you had posted, not anything new that people were bringing up. If you were so uncomfortable with the feelings as to post to an anonymous forum, obviously there is something negative here. Although maybe it was just the "am I gay" fear. I think healthy relationships with the same sex are a great thing, and more of them is better. Maybe you have lacked this in your life, or lacked it for a time, so you have globbed onto this person maybe a little more than you meant to.

 

I think that boundaries are a good thing also.

 

I don't have exactly the same experience - it was less mutual - but I had a friend who would always come by and interrupt what I was doing so we could talk for hours. It drove me kind of mad. He would text me all the time, just kind of obsessive. Without actually telling him that it was bothering me, I backed off when I could and practiced saying "no". Eventually, the contact lessened. We still hang out and I like the guy. Sometimes I initiate, sometimes he does. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no. It feels a lot more balanced than it did at first, and it's a great friendship that I'm glad to have. I'm glad I didn't run him out of town when he was first irritating me.

 

So I think you will feel a bit more comfortable with the brotherly friendship if you can practice some boundaries, and find a rhythm that works best for everybody. None of us can tell you what that rhythm will be or how to get there, because everyone is different. And it will take some time of just kind of settling into it.

 

"But we do have another issue I need to address with him – the jealousy. I want him to know that he doesn’t have to include me when he meets up with his other friends and I don’t have to include him. "

 

Yep. Address these kinds of issues as they come up, and rebuild some of the boundaries that you maybe blew through a little quickly.

 

"He feels that he is the one who always initiatives spending time together"

 

Maybe turn him down a couple of those times, and then initiate on another day when it works better for you?

[WithLove]

I'm really split between what I feel like I SHOULD say here, and how I secretly feel.

 

I've never heard of someone having the same experience that I did. A few years back, I started working with a girl at a dpeartment store, and while we didn't have much to do with each other at first, one day we mutually started talking and discovered that we had so much in common. I can honestly say that after that first conversation, I felt like I had met my soul mate, the true match to my being. I am not a lesbian nor have I ever had sexual thoughts about this lady, but I felt like she was my other half, like I didn't know I was only half a person until I met her.

 

We were inseperable for about 2 years. She got a really great job and we didn't see each other as much, but still spoke every day, all day. She was able to get me a position at her job, and we worked together again, and it was wonderful. But after a few months, something changed between us. I still don't know what happened. She grew very distant. We talked at work, and occasionally would grab dinner after, but she wasn't as open as she once was. She hung out with other people as well as me, which I had no issues with, but she would cancel or excuse herself from plans she had already made with me to do it. I began to feels intensely bitter and jealous towards her other friends, and begged her to at least be honest with me and tell me she had made other plans. I don't mind when she spends time with others, but she would lie to me about it. It eventually came to a head and we had a blow out argument.

 

And now we don't talk at all. We work together in different departments and I see her nearly every day, and she acts like I don't exist. She doesn't acknowledge me in any way. What's worse is that we also work with her mother, who continues to say hello and is kind to me. I feel a dagger in my heart every day.

 

I don't even know what to tell you. I know how both you and your friend feels, because I've been both. I know I was wrong to feel anger and resentment, but I also felt like I was justified in feeling that way. I still have no idea what happened, and I still feel like she is my other half; and now that she's no longer there, I feel like half a person again.

 

I sincerely hope this doesn't happen to you. I guess the only thing I can suggest is to work at getting his wife on board so that you two can continue your friendship. Maybe have a 'couple's night out' occasionally. Based on the experience I had, I would never wish for you to give up a friendship like this.

[crazenitely]

No I'm not okay with being jealous or wondering where he is all of the time, or getting so excited when we text of meet up. Like I said, I want a normal relationship with him. If I knew how to control or suppress these emotions, I figure the damaging parts of the relationship would go away. But I am not taking responsibility for his wife, while everyone here is saying I need to pay the most attention to this. If she has an issue with her husband spending time with me, then she needs to work that out with him, not me. But things have gotten better because they worked it out. Like I said, we don't spend as much time together anymore.

 

 

 

Completely agree

 

 

 

Sometimes it's hard to say no because I really enjoy being around him.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your suggestions. I do address the jealously issue every time.

 

Sometimes I do think our relationship is a bit unhealthy. We jokingly try to get each other jealous by saying we found a new best friend. People look at us like we are so strange when we act that way, and we are very strange, but I keep getting sucked in when I'm around him. That's why I limit our interaction to 2 times a week. 3 is too much for me because I need to keep these emotions in check. We can bicker like teenage school girls. It can be so bizarre sometimes but that's how we are.

[crazenitely]

I'm really split between what I feel like I SHOULD say here, and how I secretly feel.

 

I've never heard of someone having the same experience that I did. A few years back, I started working with a girl at a dpeartment store, and while we didn't have much to do with each other at first, one day we mutually started talking and discovered that we had so much in common. I can honestly say that after that first conversation, I felt like I had met my soul mate, the true match to my being. I am not a lesbian nor have I ever had sexual thoughts about this lady, but I felt like she was my other half, like I didn't know I was only half a person until I met her.

 

 

OKAY. You are the person I was hoping would respond because you experienced the same exact thing. Same with me, it's like he's my other half.

 

We were inseperable for about 2 years. She got a really great job and we didn't see each other as much, but still spoke every day, all day. She was able to get me a position at her job, and we worked together again, and it was wonderful. But after a few months, something changed between us. I still don't know what happened. She grew very distant. We talked at work, and occasionally would grab dinner after, but she wasn't as open as she once was. She hung out with other people as well as me, which I had no issues with, but she would cancel or excuse herself from plans she had already made with me to do it. I began to feels intensely bitter and jealous towards her other friends, and begged her to at least be honest with me and tell me she had made other plans. I don't mind when she spends time with others, but she would lie to me about it. It eventually came to a head and we had a blow out argument.

 

And now we don't talk at all. We work together in different departments and I see her nearly every day, and she acts like I don't exist. She doesn't acknowledge me in any way. What's worse is that we also work with her mother, who continues to say hello and is kind to me. I feel a dagger in my heart every day.

 

The fact that she is ACTING like you don't exist tells me that she is still VERY much emotionally connected to you. She is actively trying not to notice you. She's hurt about something. I would trap her in a room and talk about it. The thing about being emotionally connected is that you can love someone with such a strong intensity but you can also be mad with that same amount of passion.

 

 

I don't even know what to tell you. I know how both you and your friend feels, because I've been both. I know I was wrong to feel anger and resentment, but I also felt like I was justified in feeling that way. I still have no idea what happened, and I still feel like she is my other half; and now that she's no longer there, I feel like half a person again.

 

TALK TO HER. One last time.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. You are showing me that I do need to control these emotions because in case something happens like what you experienced, I don't want to feel like I'm half of a person.