2 Yr Relationship ends. Urge to contact. Need help.

[JDMxTeGrA101]

Day 6. Wow, another dream another urge to contact. Started to type her number in my phone, thankfully called my sister and didn't msg. Would have ruined my entire wkend.... just got too do all I can to keep myself this busy wkend. I honestly just want to shift some of blame on me back onto her, she said before we went overseas she was thinking about having a chat however she just thought the trip would be great(which it was) and things would naturally get better! Things just don't change, you need to sit down and work on it. She completely withdraw from the relationship than dumped me. I never had a chance. I want to tell her that, but ill stick to NC for now. Everyday is a nightmare.

 

 

Don't break NC at all. I was doing NC after the breakup and its been a month of NC until I caved in yesterday and texted her in the morning. I told her I wanted to see her in person to apologize about how I messed up and just wanted to catch up. It provided me closure and gave her hints on missing her but she didn't bite it. Take a look at my thread if you want.

 

She was a whole new person yesterday and didn't even want to be close to me. She was a bit distant but teared up a little bit when we were talking about our single life and how being lonely felt.

[Destiny15]

Sht.

Lasted 8 days then called her today. Ahhhh!!! Dammit.

Spoke briefly about the weekend's, her family and my family.

I did bring up (Stupidly) us and exactly where she stood. Said she didn't know She had been thinking about things, now that I have stopped 'pestering' her. I asked her whether they were positive/negative, she said we were still broken up. Said we should keep it that way for now and for that reason I really shouldn't be calling her.

I'll take that as she has been thinking about things a 'negative' light and sounds like she is sure of her decision. Considering I have been the one making contact since the chat, she has not reached out once.

Certainly over now.

Back to NC. For good.

[Destiny15]

Alright update.

I called her and said I am backing away now, all this needs to stop. I kept the conversation to under 5 min.

I said i realize now our communication dropped off towards the end of our relationship. We weren't happy.

So little things that never usually were a problem became a problem. I said I need around 3 months away to heal. She said that's what she has been trying to say, that a few months apart may be a good thing.

I told her to drink plenty of water over the summer, hope her family member who went into hospital gets better, have a good Xmas/New Year and that I loved her.

I also said if she was dating anyone else in the meantime to tell me and that there would be no need to meet up at all. I really hope she understood that, I certainly wouldn't meet up with her again if she was with someone else. I have already lost enough respect over the last month, I will completely disappear for ever if she was seeing someone else.

I have a feeling she was planning 'to test the market'. If not already speaking to someone.

 

 

She was on a train so didn't really talk a lot but agreed to everything and that was that.

So, its been a month since the actual break up. Since then I have been the one contacting her. Had a total 2 weeks of no contact, whilst other days I had sent a number of texts pleading with her and called her a few times.

I turned up at her work once, she was in appointment but saw me. I left. We spoke afterwards and she was ok about it - it was a lesson for me that I never intend to do again.

I called and spoke to her sister In-law that she found about it. She wasn't angry about but said I shouldn't be doing it. I apologized about that which she accepted.

Have I already done too much damage? Probably. It is the hardest thing I have even been through in my life and it is still is. I feel like I haven't even started to heal yet and the worst is ahead off me over the next few months as the steady stream of memories will filter through thinking about what were doing this time last year and the year before...and the year before. The future I had planned with her has been shattered. I am preparing myself for the chaotic adjustment my brain will suffer to accept she is no longer and will not be in my life.

 

How should I approach this? To be honest since the break its been me making all the contact. And the penultimate conversation we had where I asked where were at she had said ' I have finally been able to think about things since you have stopped pestering me. We are still broken up and lets keep it that way for now. We are broken up and you shouldn't be calling me'.

Even when she originally wanted a break, she said ' Look maybe we go our separate ways, we take a break we either come back stronger or you find someone else, I find someone else and we move on'. At the time I was completely devastated by it all that rejected the idea of a break as the thought of her with someone else killed me.

I am 99% certain she has made the decision to move on. I think that the last conversation was beneficial for me in that it has motivated me to not contact her at all. It was amicable provided a little more closure.

When I think about the past everything in me is saying i should just contact her and fix it to the point where it is almost It just doesn't help, either of us.

 

Now that I have time to reflect I realize that things were hostile sometimes and I am carrying a bit of guilt that I could have treated her a lot better throughout our relationship and I didn't.

He had a few blow-ups when we were drunk. It was more releasing of tension, there was minimal personal attacks and more crying and feeling we were at an end.

Towards the end of our relationship we were hardly affectionate and our communication was non-existent.

 

So I am just looking for guidance on how to approach this and manage it mentally.

As I said, calling her yesterday and telling her that me keeping in contact with her is not health and that time apart may be beneficial in the long term. She agreed and to be honest I sensed she was somewhat relieved. I am now committed to No contact.

So, should I just assume she has moved on. Should I ever contact her again? Even in a few months like we agreed? Or should I leave it in her contact and let her come to me if, if she ever does.

 

Thanks.

[jmantra]

It seems to me that she has made it abundantly clear that she is not interested in getting back together. It looks she has already moved on, and you should start doing the same. I know it hurts like hell right now, but take things one day at a time. As the days, weeks, and months go by it will get easier and easier.

 

I like to think of going NC as like coming off a drug where the drug is your ex, and you get your fix by having contact with your ex. When you contact you may feel good momentarily, but then you go back to feeling bad again and missing them.

 

As time goes by the urge to contact them will become less and less..

[faraday]

You keep saying you're going no contact and then you contact her.

 

She's checked out. She's not interested. The faster you accept it, the faster you can get over it. It's time to let go. Block her and delete her. Don't even think about contacting her in a few months, it's giving you mentally something to look forward to and hold on to...and that's not letting things go....that's putting your life on hold for someone who wants you to forget her.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Ms Darcy]

You keep saying you're going no contact and then you contact her.

 

She's checked out. She's not interested. The faster you accept it, the faster you can get over it. It's time to let go. Block her and delete her. Don't even think about contacting her in a few months, it's giving you mentally something to look forward to and hold on to...and that's not letting things go....that's putting your life on hold for someone who wants you to forget her.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

I agree. You'll probably contact her again in a week. But dude, it's obvious she has checked out. I could almost hear her yawning during the phone conversation.

[Destiny15]

Haha. True, true. No matter what I say or do now I look pathetic. Its over.

Nah, not happening. No more contact - that Conversation was 3 days ago. So will count out the 2-3 months and hopefully it will just trail off....

I can't do it anymore, I'm not speaking to her. I am committing to that. Yah. Totally agree, I have made a few mistakes. Which has been disappointing considering I have spent a bit of time on these forums absorbing the feedback.

Ah, yes. She has moved on and as much as it hurts. I don't blame her.

I am having so much trouble letting go of the memories, the guilt and recovering from the absolute shellacking my self esteem has endured.

I haven't been able to listen to music or have a lot of alcohol yet. And I love my music! I don't mind the odd drink now and then either. Its painful now but I know a different type of pain awaits me. One that will pierce my soul...

Need to learn from the could have's, should have's, would have's. Need to let go and stop living in the past.

I have to start all over again with someone new and I think its going to take sometime before I am ready to do it. I felt like I could be myself all the time with this girl and it started perfectly....but I guess we got too comfortable and the spark died.

How to deal with no longer being someones's everything? She used to be so excited just to see me.

How long did you guys allow to mourn and look back on the past before you decided enough was enough?

[faraday]

How long did you guys allow to mourn and look back on the past before you decided enough was enough?

A month at most. But only for the most painful break up of them all. The rest? A week or two. Then I focus on me. Doing things that I love, learning new things, finding reassurance in the love of friends and family, painting, writing, reading, running, cleaning out closets and decluttering my life. Finding new music and new tv shows....new places to hang out. Until one day (a few months later) I'm okay. And then some cute guy smiles at me, and I actually notice enough to smile back. Then it's first kisses, butterflies and learning everything about someone new. And...who was that last guy again?

 

Just be kind to yourself. Decide you're done with her, and every time you have a thought about her, push it aside and think about something else. Good luck

[Destiny15]

I really am struggling. Haven't contacted her but struggling to comprehend how the Dumper can move on so quickly....I understand she has been thinking has about it for a couple of months but what about our last two years? What about our overseas trips? Family,friends? I'm living with all this guilt that I should have been a better boyfriend, a better partner, a better friend and sometimes I wasn't. I'm certain she has already slept with someone else......i dream every night about her and think about her all day when I'm out. She has completely moved on, I just can't believe it. I don't want this to destroy me.....seriously, how long does the thoughts of suicide linger?

[faraday]

Suicidal thoughts aren't normal. You should talk to your doctor.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[90_hour_sleep]

I agree. Suicidal thoughts are a different degree.

 

I'm feeling a bit shattered right now myself. Lost. Uncertain of my future. But...there's still value in life.

 

I think when we're healthy...we are able to absorb loss...and then find release. In short...we actually feel it. And that's when healing begins. No illusions. You've tied your own happiness to another person. That's not love...it's attachment. You can love without attachment. You can love someone who left. But...you have to make room for your own life. Find yourself outside of a relationship with someone else. Find out who you are again. I've forgotten too...and it's a lousy feeling. The way I feel though...it really has nothing to do with the end of a relationship. It goes so much deeper. I'm sure it does for you as well. And...that's where you can shift your focus. Whatever you're going through...it was there without this relationship. At some point...you need to wake up to the fact that you needed this to happen. Do you want to go through life relying on external forces for your sense of well-being? That's a fragile way to live...because there is absolutely no control.

 

I don't want to live that way. I know you don't either. It hurts. It hurts a lot. There's a way through though. Minute by minute...step by step. You'll find your way back to yourself...and you'll wonder how you ever got so lost to begin with.

 

It takes courage to move on...to let go. And...it's a release. I know how hard it is to make that choice to let go. Especially when you've invested your own happiness in it. It feels like letting go means letting go of joy in life. It feels like you're letting go of ever feeling good again. But it's not. It's the complete opposite actually. You're letting go so you can learn to feel good with yourself again...to make friends with who you are...to find happiness that doesn't rely on others.

 

It's a journey. You'll get there. You are resilient.

[Destiny15]

Yes. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.

I have never had depression or any mental illness so I am going to see a psychologist and consider medication if things don't improve.

I am suffering more of the guilt (Or is shame?) that there were things that I didn't do or commit to in the relationship to make it better and it just become stagnant and too comfortable. She basically put a lot of the blame on me so my self-esteem has been obliterated. I need to start thinking positively, positive affirmations. I think this is the next step for me.

I feel like I took our relationship for granted, maybe we both did to an extent and now its gone. I am struggling to accept that I will ever find anyone as good as her or as compatible. I'm struggling to think I will be attracted to another girl like I was to her.

I am obsessing too much about the past, ruminating over the mistakes and focusing on the good times. She works in the same industry, had a fantastic role and had a lot of attention from males. She was a 'catch'. I felt proud, grateful that I had her in my life and now its gone.

Its not healthy, I am just opening old wounds and rubbing salt into it. Everything reminds me off her, like literally everything. I need to detach myself from her and start creating new memories without her in it....

I need to start reminding myself of the things that did irritate me.

I think all my insecurities are coming to a head and I need to deal with them before they consume me.

She hasn't reached out once since the break-up, its all been me. I am just struggling to comprehend how she has moved immediately, going out, dating, sleeping with other men. Doing the things we used to plus more with another man. Its fkn sickening.

It's so strange to witness two completely different types of behavior from a breakup. I guess she was already emotionally detached by time we had a chat and she was the one that made the decision. I am left with blame, hurt, insecurities, depression, shock...

As I have mentioned in other posts we agreed not to talk for a few months, then see where we were at. However I know its done. I sensed she was relieved not too hear from me for a while whilst she dated other men. For about 3 weeks i kept in contact her whilst I tried to salvage the relationship, pleading and asking for to talk. She really wouldn't have any of it.

I am not going to hold onto hope, I am not going to contact her in a few months. I have already made a fool of myself, its done. Its over. I am NC for 6 days now and I don't intend to contact her again, its too hard.

Sure LC is appropriate in some case but I know I am suffering, she needs space away from me so if there is anytime for NC this is it. Forever.

Life is too short, I have too much love to give to let this destroy me.

Thanks for listening...

[bw92116]

I have too much love to give

 

Give it to yourself for now.

Be your own lover, in an emotional sense.

[Destiny15]

Alright Day 7 NC.

Yesterday I found out that my Mum msged her saying something along the lines off 'I heard you and ** are going through some problems. I hope you alright and taking care of yourself. We will all miss you. XX'.

My sister said something similar on Facebook before she defended her. No response to either of them.

I guess this was during the time she said she 'felt suffocated'...when i was msging her too. Either she was embarrassed and did not know what to say, or didn't care.

She wasn't overly close with my sister as she studies in a different state but my mother always made an effort with her. Giving her money, presents, cooking for us and taking an interest in her and work/family and life anytime she was over.

If she didn't care, that really is so fkn harsh. But I guess she doesn't owe me or my friends/family anything.

 

I am still struggling with letting go off all the good times. I wish she had this conversation before we went overseas, she fkn screwed me over.

Now I can't let go. Its been a month and nothing has changed. I dont see myself improving at all.

[bw92116]

Well, to truly heal, you need to cut yourself off from all new information. It's difficult, but you have to isolate yourself in order to heal properly. If you don't see yourself improving at all, it is because you need to change the focus from her to you. Cutting off all contact and information forces you to refocus on yourself and your healing.

[No1]

I think that you have to admit that it is truly over. You can tell me that you realize that it is but you said in another post that you are still have hope. As cruel as it might seem, I have to tell you that it is over, she is not coming back to you and you have to move on with your life.

I know this is easier said than done and time does heal wounds but you have to help yourself in the healing process because no one is going to heal for you. You keep looking to the past for answers that you are asking. Truth is, you are not going to find your answers there. You cant continue to hold on to the past and make her keep her word and promises that she once said or in fact the promises you said. Everything that was promised has to be thrown out the window. It doesnt matter. No matter how good those make you feel, toss them out. If you keep holding on to the past you can not move forward.

Im not saying forget because forgetting is impossible, you will remember the good and bad times in your head, but in time the emotional attachments will go away. The thing you have to do is let those emotional strings fade and fall off from you. You do that by deleting every single email she sent you. Dont read them, delete them.. all those pictures, you can either delete them or put them all on a disk and then you put that disk in another room like the garage. Anything she ever gave you or anything that has emotional attachments....has to be out of sight and out of mind, delete her number from your phone and DO NOT look at her facebook page. Because I can tell you from my experience, be carful what you look for because you just might find it and you wont like what you find.

Pain wont go away, but little by little it will be less and less. Dont focus on the past, dont worry about what she is doing. Recovery is not a race so dont ask how can she be happy while Im not.. who cares, its not a race.. you will be happy again when the time is right and not a minute before.

[faraday]

I can't believe that your family would message her. You need to tell your family to knock it off...that's awkward.

[Destiny15]

Team - I need of some help. I'm sinking. Hard.

 

I have not been in contact for around 7 weeks now. 11 Weeks Post BU.

I have 'Tuned out' on Facebook.

I have no idea what is going on with her life and don't ever want to. It's over, she is not coming back and however I unfortunately have made little progress in letting go.

I worked with her and during my time there it was the happiest time of my life - I had her and was the one everyone wanted to talk to. So maybe when I think of her I think of those times as well it is excruciating as now I am nothing like that.

I'm not grieving properly and instead I am depressed, suppressed with anxiety and plagued with suicidal thoughts. Before this I had never suffered from these type of symptoms. It would be great to get to the anger stage! I want to hate her, hate the situation hate something! But i haven't, I'm just sad.

 

I know why. I am anchored in as I am filled with so much regret and self - blame, feeling like I screwed up the best thing that will ever happen to me and has so far in my life.

My ego, self esteem and life has hit an all time low and it feels like this this nightmare will never end.

 

I look back and I am stuck on would've s, couldve's, shouldve's and it is destroying any progress. Mentally I go in cycles and it results in panic attacks and anxiety. I just don't know how to let go of what I perceive at mistakes. I feel like if I had done things differently she would still be her, even though she said she had 'one foot' out of the relationship for 6 months. Is it natural to feel like you took your ex for granted? That if you did more or put in more effort things would be different? If I did then she would still be here so why shouldnt she be the one? She didnt stay because of my/our mistakes, thats the only thing that prevented it from meant to be.

 

So I feel like she was the one for me but I screwed it up and she left. That's basically where I'm at. I wish I could just take her off the pedestal and be confident that she wasn't for me. It would make it so much easier.

I was happy with her, I was comfortable. She knew me inside out and supported me. I'm failing to see her in a negative light so how can i move on from this? How do you move from something that made you happy? Complete?

I'm stuck in the past, why shouldn't I be? I had everything I wanted in the past. Its safe but so very painful.

 

All of a sudden all my insecurities are glaring. They are shining bright, destroying any positivity. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. It just doesn't feel natural. Could this be what they term as complicated grief?

I'm now on Anti depressants. I see a psychologist and psychotherapist. I'm taking daily vitamins as prescribed by my psychotherapist as she feels 3 months of anxiety has taken a toll on my body. And she's probably right.

Getting up, showering and dressing is a struggle. I have lost a ton of weight.

 

Thankfully I have a extremely supporting family who have been a counselling service 24/7! Without them I don't know where I would be. However I feel like I am taking a toll on them. They are very worried and support me where they can but they aren't professionals! Sometimes they wonder if they are saying the right things. I am embarrassed and concerned that I have come accross this way and caused so much stress on their lives. My sister is interstate and is extremely scared because of they way that I talk.

I have a job, all of a sudden it's not something I enjoy. I am aware that outside of the med's/therapy I probably haven't done a lot to help myself.

Everything I seem to do reminds me off here and it kills me. I do want to volunteer or even exercise however she just weighs on me. A heavy shadow they doesn't dissipate.

 

What can I do? Is it just a matter of keeping busy and living with this pain? I dont think I can. I dont think I can live with this pain long term and change who I am.

 

Any Help would be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[kbbcoop77]

Have you talk to a doctor about any kind of medications? Xanax really help me when I was feeling really down. It's fast acting and really helps refocus. There really isn't a need for you to be suffering like this. My wife left me after 24 years and hooked up with my daughters boyfriends dad. It really sucks but I'm not suicidal.. You have to get on with life. You're only 30 you have a long way to go you don't want to be stuck like this.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it may be helpful for you to talk to a therapist about your feelings. I'm sure your family would appreciate that.

[Destiny15]

Yes I'm currently on Pristiq but have only been on it for a week. I don't want to be stuck like this - do people get stuck like this?

I have a loving/supporting family, friends and a busy job. I've just started to exercise however

I have to spoken to my therapist about it and they expressed that a lot of the grieving I am going through is natural however they did talk about not taking all the blame as a relationship is a two way street.

I'm struggling to believe she wasnt the one. She could have been the one - But i screwed it up. Is that possible?

You know, I read about people on hear being hung up on their exe's for years and it honestly scares the daylights out of me. I'm carrying guilt and If I dont let it go soon it will weigh on me for some time.

[kbbcoop77]

Sometimes people just change their minds and leave us. It's a real awful position to be in as the dumpee but for almost every breakup there has to be a dumper and a dumpee. Have you checked out this website

link removed

This site really helped me in the early weeks/months of my breakup. That was 9.5 months ago and some days I still struggle. It takes time as we are breaking a habit. Unfortunately you have to just go through it and let time work it's magic, and there really is no set time how long it takes, everyone is different. I did date a little a few months back and that was a huge ego boost and did help, but ultimately I had to end it as I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship again and she was wayyyy over her ex as she divorced years prior. (There are advantages to NOT being in a relationship also. Freedom to do what the hell you want when you want and spend your money how you want is pretty awesome lol)

[No1]

Destiny... you are placing way too much guilt on yourself when it really shouldnt be soely on you. I think you are going back in time and thinking if you did things differently you would still be together and things would be all perfect, and Im here to tell you that is not true. She had issues, plain and simple, and these issues were greater than you and greater than your relationship could handle. You could of been the perfect boyfriend, done everything right and its still no guarentee that everything would of ended up with you sharing a garden together. If you dont believe me, go back to your previous posts and read what you wrote about your X, there were problems. So unhitch the guilt you have. It takes two people to make a relationship work, not one. If she wasnt into it, it wouldnt matter how well you treated her it was just not meant to be.

Take her off of the pedestal, she was not perfect and neither are you, we all have flaws and we all have those quirks that makes us far from perfect. The trick is to find someone that is perfect for us. Your X was not perfect for you. Let her go, let the guilt go, go lead your life and make yourself happy..then when the time is right, love will find you.

[Ms Darcy]

I think your first step might be in getting past this thinking about "the one." I don't believe in "the one." With so many people in the world, I think there are multiple people we can have happy relationships with.

 

Hugs!

[Destiny15]

Ok, fair enough. Not the One. But as close as you get!

I think the problem for me is that I worked with her - I feel like I developed such a close bond with her before we started dating and during our relationship at the old workplace that is was so natural and special. I had so many close friends at my old workplace - was confident and in my element. I felt attractive. I felt wanted.

I left that workplace about a year ago and I guess I was a little lazy and didn't keep in contact with a lot of my friends there. I was always had a my ex, family and other friends so I was fairly content. Current workplace is so much more subdued and less sociable.

The breakup is debilitating. And now of all of a sudden I miss my old workplace. I miss having friends there, I miss going out and having fun, I miss who I was. I am shell of that person now.

My ex still works at the same place but in a much more senior role. Surrounded by thousands of young professionals and my old work buddies. No idea if she is dating someone else and honestly, I don't want to know.

I know this all sounds a little childish but I feel alone and abandoned. I'm stuck in the past so much.

I regret not keeping in touch with them all. I miss her and its magnified by the longing I have of my old life with those work chaps/girls.

Is this natural? How do I stay in the present when the past was 100 times better? I keep having flashback's of my times with them and it hurts more than anything.

How do move on from the regret of not making an effort with those people since I left?

Today I have decided I will give this life 2 years. 2 years. If things don't improve substantially after two years. I'm done.