MONEY and spending with an income disparity - advice please?

[michelle89]

Hello! I have been in a happy relationship for about two years now, and this recently came up as a major concern and roadblock for my relationship. As someone who is completely financially independent from her parents and tries to be a 21st century feminist, I've embraced spending 50/50 in my relationship thus far, except for a few instances early in our relationship when he was trying to win me over. He was in law school and living off of student loans plus some money from his parents (car lease, help with rent occasionally, phone bill, etc). My income was very limited as I worked for a low paying nonprofit, but I managed to live within my means and meet him halfway. During the time we have been together he's been able to take several vacations all over the world, most paid for by family (his family is wealthier than mine), while I had to stay home. This past summer, he studied for the bar exam, which limited our time together for a good three months, so we did not have to worry about spending during that time, then he took a month long vacation to South America.

 

I recently moved for a (somewhat) higher paying job to the same area where he is starting a new job at a top law firm. I also moved to be with him. We are not living together (his idea - which now I have embraced as a great idea and no longer want to live together yet). Because of the distance between us from his studying, the vacation, etc, he promised me that we would spend more time together, take more weekend trips together, and vacation together to help quell my fears that we would never be able to be on the same page as far as what we were putting into the relationship.

 

The problem is this: His salary is now approximately three times what mine is, and even with a higher tax bracket, the cost of student loans, higher living expenses etc, he is still making well over twice what I make. My expectation that he would begin to put more in to the relationship than 50% financially has proved to be a major concern. He promised me that we would be together on Halloween and started a conversation to plan a getaway weekend in New Orleans. His law firm will be covering the cost of his plane ticket, as he has a business trip there directly after the weekend. As we discussed it, it came up that he expected me to pay for my plane ticket. I cannot afford the cost of the plane ticket, and I thought he knew this and was planning the trip as a gesture, since now he is making so much more and can afford to do this. It turns out, that wasn't on his radar and he was offended that I thought he had been planning to pay for it. The conversation ended in me being very upset and crying, and sparked a discussion of finances that we haven't had to have for the whole two years we have been dating, but it was definitely time to have it.

 

During the discussion I mentioned that I had heard of a proportional method of spending in couples, whereby the partners would each contribute to mutual spending (vacations, dinners, hotels, etc) proportional to their income, so it affects their finances equally and they can both afford the same lifestyle together. He stated that he understands this method, but he does not want to be "judged" by how much he makes now and is afraid that he could be taken advantage of. I think this sounds like a lack of trust (apparently girls have taken advantage of him before financially in relationships - I'm not sure how, exactly since he never had money before now - but I never have). He also comes from a different family culture than I do. In my family, my dad was the bread winner, and in his family, his parents did everything very equally, and his mom is currently the breadwinner. He listened to my argument about spending proportional to income, but he said he would still prefer to keep things 50/50.

 

I agreed to do this in order to stop the fighting, and have not brought it up with him again.

 

He appeared to concede to the proportional method when a less expensive plane ticket came up for New Orleans and he asked me last night if I would still like to go, and he said he would cover half of the cost of the plane ticket plus the hotel. This is much more than I thought he would do, but all I could think about was his statement that he did not want to be taken advantage of, and I declined out of guilt. He did not put up much of a fight, and now we aren't going on the getaway weekend.

 

I feel guilty and stuck.

 

I truly can't afford the same lifestyle that he can, and I'm worried that I'll always feel like I'm going to be metaphorically standing on the ground watching him fly all over the world, going to expensive dinners, drinks, etc. that I cannot afford, but even now that he can afford to pay more so that I can join, he does not.... This is how it will be if I am always paying 50/50. I'll have to decline getaway weekends, dinners, etc. and I fear this is going to build major resentment. I feel like the damage was done with that conversation saying he did not want to be taken advantage of, and now even if he does decide to put in more, the guilt is going to eat me up if I let him.

 

I talked to a couple of different friends AND my therapist about this. Friend A was sympathetic to him and said that maybe financial trust needed to be built now that he is making all this money. Friend B was like girl, that's ridiculous, you shouldn't even be paying for anything. My therapist told me to give it time, that eventually he will see that 50/50 isn't logical and will cause a disparity, and he will come around and start putting in more.

 

I want more advice and feedback about how to proceed. I guess I also want validation that I'm not being a gold digger and I'm not crazy.

[agent1607307371]

You're not a gold digger, but you're also not his wife and he is not obliged to support you. So that also means that he can't plan to do expensive things with you - he has to live at your level.

 

And Friend B is way off base. Do not listen to her.

[bulletproof]

It's his money to do whatever he wishes with.

I think that you simply need to do what you can afford, and decline the trips you cannot.

At that point, he will either be disappointed you can't come, and begin to assist you financially for those trips, or he won't.

 

I'm not sure I necessarily agree with the "proportional method" you mention. It sounds like a business proposal, not a relationship rule. In the past when bfs have made more money than me, I just felt grateful if they wanted to pay, and if they didn't and I couldn't afford to go, oh well.

[michelle89]

So that also means that he can't plan to do expensive things with you - he has to live at your level.

 

True. Even the things we do at my level, however are going to impact me more financially - he'll have much more money left over to do fun things on his own, and I guess I'm worried I'll get left behind a bit. Maybe that's my issue to work on though. Reading your response and writing that out was definitely helpful.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think he's a very generous guy and doesn't seem particularly interested in a future with you. At least not from what you've said.

 

Don't assume he'll eventually see that 50/50 doesn't work - especially given his parents' situation.

[michelle89]

I just felt grateful if they wanted to pay, and if they didn't and I couldn't afford to go, oh well.

 

I'm trying to imagine how this looks in practice. The "oh well" sounds easy but...

[michelle89]

Don't assume he'll eventually see that 50/50 doesn't work - especially given his parents' situation.

 

That's what I'm afraid of.

[bulletproof]

I'm trying to imagine how this looks in practice. The "oh well" sounds easy but...

 

It's easy if you are doing your own fun things with your own friends. You don't have to feel left behind if you have other stuff going on. Regardless of income, you should still have some activities that you do separately anyway. I can't imagine that every single thing he does is out of your price range.

 

If this is about you thinking he is stingy or not generous, than that's a different issue. But to just say that he should pay more because he makes more is not entirely fair, in my opinion.

[Hellboy]

I agree wholeheartedly with Friend B. He sounds like a completely self-absorbed ass. He takes a vacation for a MONTH to South Africa while still in law school and leaves you behind? He takes all these vacations without you? Are you guys really a couple? Although it is good to keep some finances separate, as long as there is a "yours" and "mine" there is no "ours." It really is laughable that his company would pay for a plane ticket and the he expects YOU to pay for yours if you want to go with him for a couples getaway. I hate douchebags like this, completely selfish. You can do better.

[mhowe]

Look, most people don't understand a month long vaca. As do they not think that your SO should be paying for it just because he/family has more money.

 

You are assuming Waaayyyyy toooo much and he is not accepting responsibity for what might be his..

[lukeb]

I think you are making a mistake turning this into an issue. He can't expect you to pay for holidays you can't afford, so simply tell him you can't go, done.

[michelle89]

I agree wholeheartedly with Friend B. He sounds like a completely self-absorbed ass. He takes a vacation for a MONTH to South Africa while still in law school and leaves you behind? He takes all these vacations without you? Are you guys really a couple? Although it is good to keep some finances separate, as long as there is a "yours" and "mine" there is no "ours." It really is laughable that his company would pay for a plane ticket and the he expects YOU to pay for yours if you want to go with him for a couples getaway. I hate douchebags like this, completely selfish. You can do better.

 

Ugh this response kills me. On some level I know he is being selfish, but I can also empathize with him - if it was my first big job, with my first major paycheck, I would feel inclined to spend all my money on the things I never got to do, and be selfish for a while.

 

The way I've justified his vacations is that once he starts working as a first year associate at a law firm, he won't be taking any trips for a while, so I think he's trying to get it out of his system.

 

But yeah, on the other hand, it's hard because if I were in his shoes, I would take the free plane ticket as an opportunity to pay for my boyfriend to come to New Orleans with me, since we hadn't spent much time together in the last four months and I've been promising him a "romantic getaway."

 

This isn't the first time that he got something completely for free (comp'd by school, parents, etc) and still had me pay my own way.

 

He isn't a self-absorbed ass always though - I think it would take knowing him rather than reading this to know that, but he does a lot of little things for me that shows how much he cares. Just last weekend he got free tickets to an NFL game and went with me. There have also been times he got me little gifts, etc. We have been through a lot of stuff and came through stronger.

 

I am definitely conflicted though, and I can tell that everyone has a hugely different gut reaction to this stuff esp re: money... I grew up thinking that men should be chivalrous, and no matter how hard I try to let that go, it's still there underneath everything.

[michelle89]

He can't expect you to pay for holidays you can't afford,simply tell him you can't go, done.

 

I actually WANT to go on the holidays... So knowing that there is a chance I could go if he will pitch in a little more, but he won't, will make me sad.

 

If this is about you thinking he is stingy or not generous, than that's a different issue.

 

I guess the issue really is generosity related. It's disheartening knowing that you would do more for someone than they would do for you.

[lukeb]

I actually WANT to go on the holidays... So knowing that there is a chance I could go if he will pitch in a little more, but he won't, will make me sad.

 

I actually want to go on holidays too I can't afford.

[mhowe]

Look ----we all live different ways expressing love --- get Dr. Chapmans book/view of male/female relationships.

 

Stop trying/being the "go too= ==" and be the person who is coaching you...;Let go

[Hellboy]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. But I too ascribe to the belief that men should be chivalrous, and it is my most fundamental desire to do what I can to take care of and provide for the one I love. I can never imagine placing such an emphasis on counting pennies and you have to pay for this, and I only have to pay for that. And if you can't afford to pay for your share, you can't go, but I'm still going. Whoa, I find that really offensive. That's just not a relationship in my view. If money is more important than love and romance and caring for one another in a relationship where you SHARE with each other, then the guy can roll around in his money all by himself. As for my gf, she would never have to ask and when the situation is reversed, I never have to ask her. As far as romantic getaways, we alternate on who is treating the other. That's what a relationship is, taking care of each other, and sharing yourself and who you are.

[michelle89]

You did not offend! It was just difficult to hear some of my own thoughts echoed back.

 

As far as romantic getaways, we alternate on who is treating the other. That's what a relationship is, taking care of each other, and sharing yourself and who you are.

 

That sounds like an ideal scenario to me. When he was still in school and I was in my last job, we alternated paying for date nights. We each planned out, drove to, and paid for the whole thing, and it worked wonderfully. Whereas paying for a date night is still feasible to me, major trips aren't... I'm just not sure what to do as his lifestyle gets cooler and cooler and I'm struggling financially to keep up, and will have to just let go and be like "oh well" when I can't go. The idea of living two vastly different lifestyles sucks, even if I am doing my own thing with my own friends. I guess it's more the principle, which you seem to understand - the emphasis is not on sharing.

 

I guess on some level, I expected to be able to partake in some of the benefits and perks of his new job as an attorney. I know some people won't like reading that, and may consider me to be a moocher or whatever.

 

To me it's not entirely about chivalry or gender, although I admit that brings up some of the feelings for me. Even with roles reversed with the female getting the big income bump... Knowing that only one partner's lifestyle will improve, and none of the new income will be directed towards supporting the relationship is a difficult pill to swallow.

[Hellboy]

I actually want to go on holidays too I can't afford.

 

Dude, you're missing the point.

[Hellboy]

It's not being a moocher, it's called being in a relationship. What benefits one, benefits the other. It's a given. I am waiting on a lump sum myself, and with the exception of one thing that I need for myself, I cannot wait to get it so that I can buy my gf a list of presents that I already have selected on Amazon. She is welcome to it all if she likes and it will be in a joint bank account so that she can access it whenever she sees fit. No need to ask me. This is because we are in a committed relationship, I trust her completely as she does me, and she is better with finances. See, this is what I think things should be like. So this detached, miserly, discompassionate behavior that you describe is completely foreign to me.

[journeynow]

As someone who is completely financially independent from her parents and tries to be a 21st century feminist, I've embraced spending 50/50 in my relationship thus far, ...

 

I guess on some level, I expected to be able to partake in some of the benefits and perks of his new job as an attorney.

 

Being a 21st century feminist and embracing spending 50/50 in relationships doesn't quite mesh with expecting to benefit from HIS job and income.

 

I've heard of married couples using proportional spending to cover their shared living costs, but haven't heard it suggested for dating couples and luxuries such as vacations and travel. I agree with others who have said that the two of you do things together at your level of living. Anything he spends above that, any trips he takes, are all optional. I understand if you feel he is choosing a lifestyle that always excludes you. Rather than focusing on money and the trickle-down affect, focus on the information you need. Is he committed to the relationship, is he a good partner, do you love him, does he love you, do you respect each other, what do you have in common, what do you share, what in your life do you keep separate, what in his, etc? It may be that eventually your lifestyles will not mesh, or it may be that you mesh your lives where it matters most yet each differ in income and hobbies.

 

" knowing that only one partner's lifestyle will improve, and none of the new income will be directed towards supporting the relationship is a difficult pill to swallow."

 

If your relationship got to this point without that new income, why does it need extra financial "support" now? I think this is the point in your relationship where you two need to communicate what it means to each of you to be partners, what commitment means, etc, to see if you two want the same thing long term and if your values match.

[michelle89]

Being a 21st century feminist and embracing spending 50/50 in relationships doesn't quite mesh with expecting to benefit from HIS job and income.

 

Yeah, I am finding that lack of meshing to be a major dilemma. A lot of it has to do with what I believe and know through real life experience and education versus what I was taught growing up by Disney movies. Thank god I'm in therapy.

 

 

[/i][/color]If your relationship got to this point without that new income, why does it need extra financial "support" now? I think this is the point in your relationship where you two need to communicate what it means to each of you to be partners, what commitment means, etc, to see if you two want the same thing long term and if your values match.

 

That's the best advice yet, thank you. He always uses "future-talk" and has told me he sees me in his life long term.

 

A lot of this might have to do with the fact that I would do anything for him, and have, but he has an easier time asserting his boundaries. This has resulted in me being the "giver" for much of our relationship, something that he stated recently he wanted to change, admitting that I have been doing more, which is why he was trying to plan the romantic getaway. Sometimes I have hope this will change, sometimes, I don't.

 

I guess the only thing I can do is keep being generous with him, loving with him, and hope that it's reciprocated. We have a lot of similar interests and similar values, although he is more career-focused and luxury-focused than I am. The important other things, however, are largely the same. Those two things though could be destructive long term though, I imagine.

[jenny_mcs]

I think you need to be careful. He sounds selfish. He’s where he is because he had a lot of help and advantages in life. But sometimes people don’t see that. He sounds like a guy who was “born on 3^rd, but thinks he hit a triple”.

Anyone, man or woman, who makes 3x what their partner makes, gets a free work trip, and expects their partner to pay for their own plane ticket sounds like a jerk to me.

[michelle89]

Thanks, yeah that makes sense.

 

Anyone, man or woman, who makes 3x what their partner makes, gets a free work trip, and expects their partner to pay for their own plane ticket sounds like a jerk to me.

 

I'm having a hard time thinking of a counter-argument to that one.

[Incredible66]

As a guy I would never date a woman who could not financially look after herself, I think the whole house wife thing is from an outdated era but in your case you are still finding your foot in the career path you chose and are working so you are showing that you want to progress. Your BF should be understanding with your situation and for now do the proportionating thing, I mean if he loses his job then he should not expect any help from you then. He also doesnt look interested in you. Maybe you should focus on your career first. And friend B sounds like she is lost in the 60s, a woman should not expect a man to pay for HER things. That is what my guy friends call a gold digger, this is the 21st century, women should pull their own weight!!!

[michelle89]

Thanks for your response, yeah I agree Friend B is a little over-expecting - she hasn't had the best relationship history.

 

He also doesnt look interested in you.

 

Curious what your rationale is for that?