hAVE TO PICK SON OVER WIFE WHO I ADORE AND LOVE

[pblack]

I will ensure that come December I hope to post a happy story and I will be on reading and keeping my self inspired and motivated on this site for as long as it takes but the strength I have got today from this post has put any doubts or nagging thoughts right out of my head and I am very thankfull to each and everyone who offered advice to me.

[Cheetarah]

Good. Come back and reread it when you feel any niggling doubts creeping in.

 

Look forward to hearing your reunion story

[MonkeyInATree]

Regrets are natural. Use them to your advantage. Use them to be more involved, more loving, more inquisitive and interested in him. Nothing matters now that you have awesome direction except that the rubber meets the road!

 

So excited for your fatherhood experiences! They will make your heart overflow!

[Mesemene]

Hindsight is always perfect. After the shine wore off, it should be apparent your current wife is VERY self centered, and very immature, to say the least.

 

Don't ever feel bad about choosing your child over her. Your son had no say in having you in his life - and obviously wants a relationship with you. That she could even see this as a negative says she has some issues - and they sure don't need to be your issues. Enjoy your son, and be glad you stood firm on not starting a family with her. Seems she'd see a child of her own as another means to control you and possibly a status symbol of your relationship, not as a joy and gift.

[notalady]

Good on you for making that decision, I look forward to reading the update in December!

[Ms Darcy]

That is the saddest damn thing I have heard in awhile.

 

There are no words to describe your wife - Don't let the doubts creep in. You are doing the right thing without a shadow of a doubt. You can always buy another car. You can buy new things. You can't replace your son.

 

I think what bothers me is that everyone is putting the blame solely on the wife. My partner could forbid me from talking to my parents and I would laugh in his face. Anyone can tell you anything. It's your job to filter out the noise. Children don't have the benefit of understanding that you're attracted to some woman who doesn't like him. He's vulnerable and needs you. A father's role is to always prioritize that role. And for a father to abandon his son for three years is pretty despicable on his part.

 

OP, just do what you need to do to re-engage in person with your son regularly ... like a father.

[Cheetarah]

I don't think she is solely to blame at all. It seems to me that OP has serious regrets and guilt for what he has done, I can only assume it is sincere and there is nothing for him to do now but own that he did something that was - yes - despicable - And do right by his son - For GOOD.

 

You know I'm the first to ram stuff like this down someone's throat. I can respect the admittance and the plan.

 

I also don't think you deserve extra credits for doing this, OP. I respect immensely that you are making the right decision. There's always something to respect in a person admitting they effed up and are rectifying the situation, whatever it is. You don't get props for being the father you should have been to begin with. But I do think you deserve credit for acknowledging the error of your ways.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree.

 

At one point the OP called it a "mistake" from years ago. For me, it was a decision that he made every day for years. Big difference in my eyes.

[Cheetarah]

I agree.

 

At one point the OP called it a "mistake" from years ago. For me, it was a decision that he made every day for years. Big difference in my eyes.

 

I agree with that. It was a decision made every day.

[Tanzi]

I also don't think the wife is solely to blame either. It goes without saying that the OP made a lot of bad choices. The first was to let this woman into his life in the first place.

 

However, it seems he has lived a life of regret since and has totally recognised and owned his wrong-doing.

 

Regardless of the bad choices the OP has made, the most important thing to remember is that he is putting things right NOW and I think that should remain the focus. After all, if his wife can forgive and forget for the sake of their son I'm sure we can!

[Cheetarah]

Yeah...Want to comment on something else.

 

If you were my ex - You'd have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt to our child that you weren't going to pull that disappearing act again. You are very fortunate Mom left the door wide open for you. Personally, I think she should have been more hesitant, I know I would have been, not trusted you if you could disappear for 3 years. Yes, he's your child too but you abandoned him and surely caused a lot of pain...For him to say the things he does. I'd have your balls before you did that to our baby again.

 

All I can say again, is FOLLOW THROUGH. Don't ever let him down like that again. Follow through.

[pblack]

I am only to well aware of the choices I made and despite what was said to me or done to me at the time yes I accept my choices, I also accept that my ex partner the mother to our son is a very amazing person for allowing me this chance to be with my son again and I can assure you I have no intent on letting him down like I said i can only apologise for choices in the past and make the future ones better but yes I fully accept the blame for what happened, I never blamed my wife for this, she said what she said and done wheat she done no one forced me to go along with it, Again no excuses I can not justify it, I can however make amends for it and I will, I am not sure I can live at ease with myself for the actions I done but it stopped being about me and this has eaten away at me everyday and I will make sure I do everything in my power to ensure my son has a great life with his dad firmly in it. Thank you again for your frank and honest views I do appreciate them very much

[Tanzi]

but yes I fully accept the blame for what happened, I never blamed my wife for this,

 

That's not to say you should let your wife completely off the hook. She still remains a cold-hearted b*atch with a dysfunctional mind. Make no excuses for her. If you allow her back into your life under the pretext that she played no part in this, she will continue to control and destroy any relationship you have with your son.

[pblack]

Well just an update, My wife has told me I either give up work right away and come home to start a family or she will divorce me. I told her I cant give up work and I wasn't going to have a baby, She said it was done and we had nothing to talk about and I said ok it makes everything easier this way. I woke this morning to find she has been looking up all my ex girlfriends and emailing them abuse thinking I am with them also she emailed that she hopes I get killed out here as it would be easier all round rather than think me with another woman, I am totally lost as this isn't about another woman it is about us going in different directions but the abuse is now coming thick and fast. Should I start NC now or try and calm her down and let her do it

[annie24]

wow - she sounds HORRIBLE. she said I hope you die?? Um, yeah, you should probably start divorce proceedings. wow.

[Perfect Life]

There are so many red flags. I'm glad you posted this update, its clear that you know what you need to do. In case you need some encouragement, here it is... Go, Just leave. It is non repairable. This lady has done so much to break you and leave you feeling like less of a man. She has controlled, manipulated, and now she is stalking and placing ridiculous ultimatums. She is clearly not into this marriage. I has been all about her and her needs. You are just a tool she is using to get everything her way. Please do not allow her to use you for her benefit.

I am a strong believer in karma and fate. She sounds like she has never been rational or remotely concerned about your interested and needs. I understand she is your wife and you married her because you saw something in her that you loved, but the person she is is not the one you saw when you married. I could type you a long response about finding you self worth and putting your son and yourself first. But, I'm sure you don't have time, nor the desire to read pages.

I'll just remind you that the only person who NEEDS you is your son. Don't ever question whether you have made the right choice. Any choice that includes your son knowing the love of his dad is the right one.

She is a bomb ready to destroy anything that gets in her way and she will not hesitate to leave you out in the cold, but none of that is important. Let her do what she wants. Go NC and proceed with your life. It's going to be a long, hard road, but it will be the most rewarding path you have ever taken. Keep posting.

[IAmFCA]

WOWOWWOWOW

 

Protect your assets, engage counsel, lock down your social media. Do not engage with her except in scripted ways. Never show her your temper or your affection, keep everything on an even keel.

 

EVERYTHING you do or have will now be ammunition, whether appropriate or not. Do not engage in a volley. Let her keep hitting balls over the net.

 

If your purpose is clear, and your motivations are positive, then - over time - your world will return to you in a fu embrace. In the meantime, use your counsel'f advice to guide you.

 

You can not, ever, imagine that you will overpower her in a direct engagement, nor that you will stop her from acting out so horribly.

 

The only thing that MIGHT be useful is if you threatened to release personal information to the public, if such information exists that would compromise her. And if that is a route you choose to take, don't take it until the very end, very very end, of your divorce proceedings.

 

I am so sorry.

 

When it is hard, repeat to yourself over and over, every minute, that you are finding your way back to your son.

[okiedokiestomp]

Your ex is not stable, mentally or emotionally. the idea that having a child as an either/or shows she is not thinking with logic or rationality. The last thing a marriage in trouble needs is to bring a baby into the picture on top of the stress from the relationship, the one that would suffer the most is the baby. Great job in sticking to your guns and not letting her railroad you to get her way. Trust me bro, if you were to have a child with her it would pull you even further away from your son as she is mentally and emotionally unstable enough to use it as leverage that either you comply or not you won't be able to see this child you have with her now.

 

It is sick that she would say something so awful to you when you are in such a dangerous place and your safety is a concern to begin with. She is immature and selfish and don't doubt for a moment that she wouldn't use a new baby as a tool to keep you from your son. She sounds like she could be bipolar or sociopathic but either way always consider her actions over her words...no doubt she will at some point attempt to reign things in by apologizing once she sees that she is loosing control...stay strong and stay NC with her from here on out. I would get my legal ducks in a row ASAP concerning separation/divorce.

 

The above post by IThinkICan is spot on.

[LadyMing]

I just want to understand why you married her knowing you didn't want children but she did? Seems a bit selfish to me. You have basically wasted 3 years of her life. You have your child so that is enough for you. Why marry her knowing you did not want to start a family with her? I also think the way you planned to leave your wife you claim to have loved was very much that of a coward sorry to say. Your plan was to get to the airport and make a left to UK or wherever. I am glad you have chosen a relationship with your son, but it is something you should have laid out from the get go before marrying this woman. For all we know your wife may be insecure for a reason. Maybe you had sexual relations with the ex while seeing your son. We don't know we just know your side, but we know there are two sides to every story. You and your current wife were mismatched goal wise from the very start. I actually feel sorry for her. I don't know her age but if you are 38 she can't be far off so I can understand her desire to start a family. Once again happy for you that you have chosen to see your son and play a role in his life but the way you planned to leave your wife says you are very much a coward. No offence.

[Tanzi]

Have you read the whole thread LadyMing? In fact, have you read a totally different thread to the rest of us? The mind boggles. I don't think at this stage it matters how he leaves his wife ... just that he does. She will obviously stop at nothing to get her own way and without being in the country to deal with matters properly it is understandable why he wouldn't to rock the boat until he is home. Under more usual circumstances I would be inclined to agree with you, but this is far from normal. Did you not read that this women doesn't allow him to see his son? Granted he should have stood up to her a long time ago but that doesn't sway from the fact that she clearly doesn't think rationally. Did you not read the disrespectful things she has said to him or how she has been emailing his ex's accusing them of things that aren't happening? Did you not read that she is demanding he gives up work? None of these things are rational. The woman doesn't even want to look after her own baby. She wants to return to work and have him stay at home with the baby. It is clear to most of us that she doesn't want to have a baby for the right reasons. She wants to have a baby as another form of control. She is slowly trying to cut him off from everyone.

 

That being said, in light of the new revelations, I feel that he should start divorce proceedings as soon as possible but, whilst I know the wife isn't totally to blame, I have no sympathy for her whatsoever. At this moment in time the only way he can have contact with this son is without her knowledge.

[pblack]

Thank you all so much for the help, Ladyming I think you make valid points and accept them also. I will start NC today and have all my email and numbers changed and then when I return write her a letter because at the moment everything I say is wrong and I am getting a million accusations thrown at me and it is starting to hurt my head so I have no choice but to to NC. I will update all when I get home and see my beautiful boy.

[LadyMing]

Yes I did read the thread. Do people respond to threads they do not understand? Ok then. My issue is not that he is leaving his wife to see his son. Mine is does one just walk away from a marriage without actually communicate that I want a divorce. Is it that you just come from the middle east (I am assuming you are in the military) you don't go home which is understandable as you need to see your son, but to just not communicate that I am not coming home ever and want a divorce beats my imagination.

 

Regardless of how she will take it it shouldn't matter, you don't just not tell her you are planning to divorce her. You should actually tell her. If you cannot do it in person then over the phone or something. I just don't agree with couples divorcing and not telling the person the plan to divorce. Where you just going to send her the divorce letters in the post? Yes she has been abusive, but you married her for a reason and managed to love her for 3 years so you obviously found something in her. I am of the school of thought that there are two sides to every story and also if you are being honest you would have said some mean things back to her. Your wife to me doesn't seem demented just angry and we all say mean things when angry. The best thing you can do which you have decided already is to set her free so you can have the relationship with your son and so she can have the family with somebody else that she so desires, but you should do it via communication. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Boyfriend and girlfriend dump each other via text, or just walk away without telling the other person. You are husband and wife. While yes your wife has asked you for a divorce in the heat of anger she will likely retract it back because she was angry when she said it. We all say things in anger we do not mean. You have thought about it for a long time. Your thinking straight so it will likely fall on you to seek lawyers out etc...

 

Basically I am trying to say communicate with her regarding your decision. If you cannot do it in person then by phone, skype whatever but don't just walk away without her knowing. You may think she doesn't mind because we'll she wished you get killed, but in anger we say the most horrible things. I know I have and yet I couldn't live without those I have said mean things to when I was angry.

 

I am happy for you with regards to establishing a relationship with your son, but just communicate with your soon to be ex wife that you will be filing for a divorce just so she knows. I have never been divorced nor hope to, but I do know if the time came I would like my husband to actually let me know rather than just not returning home one day for good.

 

Wishing you all the best

[pblack]

Ladyming, I had planning on talking with my wife over Skype before I got back before she told me to choose her or working, I am not in a position to give up work I have been honest with her about how I feel and what I think and yet she still wont accept anything I say as being right. I am far from a coward as you put it I can assure you I am also not silly enough to go near and risk any false allegation through spite to get me locked up or any other ploy to exploit and weaken me hence I am doing it from here.

[Tanzi]

Yes I did read the thread. Do people respond to threads they do not understand?

 

THINK they understand then.

 

I also believe there are two sides to every story ... BUT ... I think we've already established the part the OP has played in this.

 

Do you honestly believe that the irrational behaviour the OP's wife has displayed is normal for just being "angry". If so, then ... wow!

 

Regardless of the bad choices and the part the OP has played in this, it is evident that his wife is mentally unstable.

 

You are quite right though, in light of the way this is continuing to proceed, it IS in the best interests for ALL concerned to start divorce proceedings straight away. Nevertheless I think we need to stick to the facts that we know and not get sidetracked by things we don't know.

 

Ladyming, I had planning on talking with my wife over Skype before I got back before she told me to choose her or working, I am not in a position to give up work I have been honest with her about how I feel and what I think and yet she still wont accept anything I say as being right. I am far from a coward as you put it I can assure you I am also not silly enough to go near and risk any false allegation through spite to get me locked up or any other ploy to exploit and weaken me hence I am doing it from here.

 

And neither should you give up work on the demand of your wife. Not many people are in a position to do so anyway. Did you discuss you giving up work and being a stay at home dad? I feel that her demand that you give up work immediately has little to do with what she feels is best for the baby and more to do with her wanting you at home, at all times where she can have even more control over you.

[pblack]

It is so strange that the person I love has turned in to someone I don't know, I have always lived our life under rules and I have changed in every way she wanted me to I had to stop reading news paper because I would get accused of looking at women in them, there were tv shows I couldn't watch because some women were on there I lost all my friends because she told me they were hitting on her I pretty much gave everything up in order to keep her happy and no I never cheated or even thought about it if I am honest but we are now at the point where I have done something for myself and look at the outcome, but as I keep saying it is all going to be worth it in the end