hAVE TO PICK SON OVER WIFE WHO I ADORE AND LOVE

[annie24]

Stop reading the newspaper?? So you don't get turned on by the photos of the female politicians?? This woman is insane. Please divorce her and move on with your life.

[LadyMing]

How people can make judgements based on one person's testimony is beyond me. To call a human being you have never met insane is funny. I personally think there is more to this story than you are saying but fair enough. And a little blue nothing to be shocked about. You have your opinions and I have mine what is shocking about that. There are more things to be shocked about in life. Do you not watch the news?

 

Good luck and wishing you all the best with your son.

[Seraphim]

The woman is a fruit bat. You don't owe her life she's a grown ass adult. I'm so glad you will be giving your son the relationship and the life he deserves.

[Tanzi]

And a little blue nothing to be shocked about. You have your opinions and I have mine what is shocking about that. There are more things to be shocked about in life. Do you not watch the news?

 

She didn't let him read newspapers or watch certain TV programmes. She cut him off from his friends. She cut his son out of his life. Now she is demanding that he gives up work immediately …. so I am quite confident that this goes beyond normal anger and … yeah … regardless of what else is going in the world, I am still shocked that you think that is all it is.

 

I'm not sure what else you are looking for to justify his wife's irrational behaviour. She clearly does not think along normal lines.

 

Definition of sociopath: "Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others."

[LadyMing]

She didn't make him do anything. He is a grown man who made his own life choices. Did she put a gun to his head? He chose to give up his son and marry this woman. He had his son before marrying her and he chose to give up his son and marry her. Read the OPs post again. He knew before marriage she was not happy with him having a relationship with his son and yet chose to marry her. It should have ended there, but it didn't by his own choice. Were you dragged down the altar? This woman did not appear this way prior to marriage according to OP, so something occurred in the marriage that made her insecure and start behaving this way. You don't just wake up one day and decide let me contact all your ex ' s and send them messages. So yh there is more to the story. According to OP she was not like this before marriage or fact he wouldn't have married her. Something happened in the marriage. I did not say her behaviour is not strange I have merely stated there must be a reason. She was not like this prior to marriage according to OP, so what changed?

 

Also if OP knew he didn't want children with her because he already had one then why marry her and waste her time? Is that not something they would have discussed prior to getting married? Or did he agree to having children then all of a sudden decide sorry change of plans I already have a child so we won't be having one? At the end of the day I cannot say her reasons for wanting a child are wrong. He is 38 she cannot be far off that age. By 30 must woman start getting twitchy about the fact they have had no children because we know by 35 fertility starts to decline. The conditions she set yes are strange but as for the reasons I can't judge that aspect. If I was married to my husband for 3 years I think I would think ok let us start a family actually for me I would be thinking that after a year of marriage. It is expected that in a marriage a woman would want children. Maybe I think incorrectly here.

 

I have not undermined OP decision to divorce his wife and seek a relationship with his Son. I just refuse to label a woman I have never met as mad, because I tend to think outside the box here. I also have not said he shouldn't divorce his wife he has made up his mind already my only issue was with how. He didn't propose to her via Skype,( I am assuming here). He didn't marry via Skype or text . It was done in person so should something as sensitive as divorce, however this is the 21st century so probably expecting too much.

 

To be fair the marriage seems to have lacked a whole lot of communication from day one so why am I even having a issue with the fact you want to divorce her without telling her? It seems normal.

 

wishing you the best and have a lovely Christmas with you son.

[IAmFCA]

Whether the wife has deeper issues is besides the point. It is clear with regards to her behavior towards him that she can't be trusted 5o be anything close to reasonable. In fact as he describs her behavior she is quite destructive.

 

Working with her to divorce respectfully is not an option. Nor is waiting for an in person visit. She already broke their bond by slandering him. He needs to protect himself.

 

How people can make judgements based on one person's testimony is beyond me. To call a human being you have never met insane is funny. I personally think there is more to this story than you are saying but fair enough. And a little blue nothing to be shocked about. You have your opinions and I have mine what is shocking about that. There are more things to be shocked about in life. Do you not watch the news?

 

Good luck and wishing you all the best with your son.

[LadyMing]

[pblack]

Ladyming I posted on here for some help and advice not to be called a coward and slandered, Please read the part I stated I know the choices were mine, I have never said anything different. You are entitled to your own opinion and if it was non slanderous or even slightly helpful I would take on board what you have to say. Please refrain from making comments on here to start arguments with other helpful board members. You wont pass judgment on a wife you don't know but your happy to call me a coward, just remind me how do we know each other ahh that's right we don't that's called having double standards by judging me. I have thanked you for your opinions in the past but now I would just like you to remain from posting any more non helpful and self justification posts on here.

[Tanzi]

She didn't make him do anything. He is a grown man who made his own life choices. Did she put a gun to his head? He chose to give up his son and marry this woman. He had his son before marrying her and he chose to give up his son and marry her. Read the OPs post again.

 

See .... thing is LadyMing, we've been through all this on this thread. He has had the finger of blame pointed at him. We've thrown his bad decisions at him and the bad choices he has made ... but for most of us who are posting on this thread, we've been able to move past that in order to help the OP stay focused on the real issue here ... getting a relationship back with his son. Unfortunately his wife won't allow it so he has no choice but to leave her. Debating on how he should do that is fine because it seems that is what he needs help and support with. However you seem intent on looking for something to justify his wife's behaviour which means that you are remaining focused on the wrong issue ... which has become irrelevant at this point.

 

You barely mention the son, apart from throwing an obligatory line into your post here and there about doing the right thing. However you seem fixated on sticking up for his wife, which has nothing to do with the nature of this thread. Let us help the OP with what he has to do now and not trying to deflec/point blame on people. It is what it is and the OP needs a lot of support in order to do the right thing by his son. Unfortunately he has a wife who will clearly make things very, very difficult for him. That is why he is here. Trying to suggest that she has a reason to do so and looking for that reason is totally unelpful.

 

You have suggested several times now that there are two sides to every story and the OP must have done something to make her angry. Yes there are two sides every story ... but that doesn't mean both sides are equally as bad or negative. We already know the negative side of the OP's story yet you implied that the OP screwed around with his ex. He has said he hasn't and I actually believe him. I think he is totally prepared to own his mistakes. Anyhow, in this case I think it is more likely that what has made her angry is the OP merely looking at women in papers or on TV ... or simply communicating with his ex to see his son. Sometimes people have issues so strong that it makes them behave irrationally - maybe bordering on a personality disorder. I would say the OP's wife within that category. We aren't labelling, we are going with the facts ... again, to help the OP stay focused on what is important here. You seemed to have glossed over some of the facts the OP has provided us with ... the verbal abuse he has endured throughout their relationship ... the fact that she won't allow him a relationship with his son .... the fact that she has cut him off from his friends .... the fact that she won't allow him to read newspapers or watch TV .... the fact that it is impossible to communicate with her on a rational level because she just threatens him with divorce if he doesn't do as she says or wishes him dead. How is any of that justifiable? And ... YES ... LadyMing, it was silly/wrong/ridiculous of him to allow any of that to happen but he isn't the first person to be beaten down by a dysfunctional relationship ... we know all that already ... the fact still remains his wife displays very controlling/abusive/unstable behaviour.

 

I think you need to move on from that because it is dragging this thread backwards.

 

 

Also if OP knew he didn't want children with her because he already had one then why marry her and waste her time? Is that not something they would have discussed prior to getting married? Or did he agree to having children then all of a sudden decide sorry change of plans I already have a child so we won't be having one?

 

Wow, your even puttng words into the OP's mouth now! Regardless of what they discussed before their marriage, I think the OP is quite within his rights to change his mind about having childen given the following ...

 

1) He now wants a divorce

2) The relationship is very dysfunctional

3) It probably doesn't feel right given the fact that he has been eaten up with guilt over the lack of a relationship with his first borne

4) She is demanding he give up work and be the sole carer which, in their case where the OP has been cut off from man people already, would be totally the wrong thing to do.

 

I think he is quite right to NOT want to have children with this woman, regardless of what they thought/felt discussed when they first met.

 

I did not say her behaviour is not strange I have merely stated there must be a reason. She was not like this prior to marriage according to OP, so what changed?

 

Well actually you said this ...

 

Your wife to me doesn't seem demented just angry and we all say mean things when angry.

 

.... suggesting that her behaviour was/is perfectly normal for someone who is "just angry" and also implying that the OP has done something wrong. Clearly he doesn't actually need to do anything "wrong" for his wife to control what he can and can't do.

 

Her behaviour goes beyond normal anger ... it is irrational, destructive, controlling and abusive and we mustn't lose sight of that. For example, when she finds out he wants a divorce I would only communicate with her through lawyers and, I would not want to be alone with her for fear of what she might do. She has already threatened to ruin the OP.

[Cheetarah]

I guess she does not realize the huge favor she is doing you!

 

I agree to lock down all your social media. Actually, delete it. A lawyer would advise you to do as such during a divorce proceeding, anyhow. Unless, she is writing from your accounts.

 

It is so strange that the person I love has turned in to someone I don't know, I have always lived our life under rules and I have changed in every way she wanted me to I had to stop reading news paper because I would get accused of looking at women in them, there were tv shows I couldn't watch because some women were on there I lost all my friends because she told me they were hitting on her I pretty much gave everything up in order to keep her happy and no I never cheated or even thought about it if I am honest but we are now at the point where I have done something for myself and look at the outcome, but as I keep saying it is all going to be worth it in the end

 

I realized that people don't often pull out all the big guns at random. The indications of things are there...Perhaps in more subtle ways, ways that aren't so obvious, and also remember we have emotional bias being close to the situation(and blinders! Big old blinders!).

 

By attempting to exercise control over your life, as an example in regards to your son, she was already exhibiting possessive, controlling behavior. Since you went along with it, you were giving her that which she sought...The control, the lack of an outside threat. So long as you were willing to placate her in these ways, you didn't get too many glimpses of the anger and entitlement that simmers beneath, driving it all - Or should I say, not in such an outright, obvious way as when you "defied" her. It is by no means normal to tell a person not to read newspapers or tv shows. But for whatever reason, you went along with that therefore it became a norm for you(and later on, I urge you strongly to work on the whys of that. One thing at a time, getting back to your son first).

 

When you are with a controlling, angry person and you do something that showcases your independence, independent thinking, you will see ALL the ugly. That's been there. It's just coming to a head. People like this...have zero control over themselves and their lives so they look externally to control, to gain a false sense of balance. And when you take away their "balance" then there is hell to be paid(in their heads). So it's really not at all surprising what she is doing right now, emailing exes of yours and telling you she hopes you die. Not saying it's a normal response because it isn't! But, it's not surprising.

 

Now you've got to stay strong, and assert your independence. Yes, it's going to cost you. Emotionally, perhaps financially if you have any assets, mentally...And it's designed as such to wear you down so you become this pliable thing easy to exert control over once again. And sometimes you will want to, because it all seems easier. It will not be. It might seem so in those moments, but ultimately you will be at square one again, and it will get more and more difficult to use reason and logic with yourself, because this will all seem so normal to you after living with it for so long.

[Tanzi]

Amazing post Cheetarah!

[MontyL]

Definitely protect yourself from getting her pregnant if you have decided to leave. She sounds like the type of women who will try and trap you into a relationship.

[pblack]

Cheetarah thank you some much for the post it makes perfect sense as do so many others on here. I have been totally up front with all the information I have posted and glad to see so many people saying the same thing It just makes me realize I have done the right thing in this

[LadyMing]

Wasn't going to continue further to thread as I have said what I wanted to say and had nothing more to add. Advice is not something you force on people. However, I just read something from a little blue that I didn't focus on the Son. I didn't focus on the issue of the Son because it is not an issue. OP has made up his mind regarding that already, which is he is leaving his wife to establish a relationship with his son. That has already been sorted out. So why would I bang on about a problem that the OP has already solved. He had a plan in place for that He was just here to seek affirmation, which is fine. Having read that was sorted I then picked out not the fact that he was going to leave his wife but how he was going to do it. If you did not pick that out from all I have written then oh well.

 

Wishing you all the best. Nothing more to add, except have a lovely Christmas with you SON. Good luck.

 

Have a lovely day.

[Tanzi]

So why would I bang on about a problem that the OP has already solved. He had a plan in place for that He was just here to seek affirmation, which is fine. Having read that that was sorted I then picked out I picked out not the fact that he was going to leave his wife but how he was going to do it. If you did not pick that out from all I have written then oh well I give up.

 

Have a lovely day.

 

"Bang on" about his son? Charming, Lady Ming. His son is the main focus here.

 

The approach taken in this thread has been to help the OP stay focused on the fact that he is doing the right thing because, despite everything, he still loves his wife ... and as Cheetarah pointed out he probably has tough times to come. Trying to defend his wife's actions and implying that the OP had got up to no good with his ex and that her behaviour was merely "anger" was not productive at all ... and if YOU did not pick up on that then, yes, maybe you should give up.

 

I would just like to add , that somewhere amongst your accusations and assumptions you did actually make a valid point - though maybe for the wrong reasons - or at least a point that was worth some discussion which, yes, I did pick up on. Unfortunately, however, it got lost because you became too focused on justifying his wife's actions and finger pointing.