Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 First I am the type that could have a man flirting in my face and not even realize he is flirting. I really did turn my feelings off for this FWB thing with Mr.X but that doesn't mean they are not there probably deep down somewhere. Anyways, friends with benefits (FWB) with Mr. X has been going on off and on since 2012. I trust him for sure so I wasn't in the area at the time and my grandmother needed something and he jumped right on it and gave my grandmother his number and said if she ever needed anything and no one was around to call him. A couple days later he sent me a text saying that I should talk to him more and I said, " Oh are you trying to bring back our FWB " and he responded " You are confusing me" and I said "How I thought that was what you meant by that.. If you want to just hang out we can do that too!" and his response " lol I mean we can be whatever really you know until something really works out but I am not looking for a relationship at this very moment.. I just got out of one not too long ago" and so I ended it with " cool we are on the same page let me know when you want to hang out" He then went on to talk about how I never want to cuddle with him after. Last night I went over to hang out with him and he put on a movie and we just laid cuddled up and he reached and was holding my hand and then when the movie was done we handled out business and fell asleep cuddling. At some point during the night he managed to get me under the blankets and covered me up. Woke up and put my clothes on and he walked me to my car gave me a hug and kiss and told me to text him. One and only FWB I have ever been in so I don't know any difference and like I said a man could be showing me all the signs and my head will be in the clouds. So is this normal or what did you all get from this situation? Thanks! Link to comment
Clinton Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 You want to know where the relationship stands, talk to him. Just be sure you know what you want out of it before you do and stick to your guns. And be prepared that this might not go the way you want it to. Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 This is FWB --- just with a cuddle and a kiss. He would likely not have walked a prostitute to her car. He is NOT looking for a relationship. That would include real dates outside of his apartment. Link to comment
Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 You want to know where the relationship stands, talk to him. Just be sure you know what you want out of it before you do and stick to your guns. And be prepared that this might not go the way you want it to. I wouldn't be phased if he just wanted to still be fwb so there really isn't a way this could go that I wouldn't want it to. I was really just trying to decode what he was saying and asking if it sounded like he wanted or was planning to take it to the next level. I know I can obviously talk to him but I just wanted opinions right now. Thank you for your response Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 He told you he doesn't want a relationship. he told you that you were cuddling and having sex until "something else came up" for either of you. I don't know how more clear he could be. Especially if this has been such an on and off thing. Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I wouldn't be phased if he just wanted to still be fwb so there really isn't a way this could go that I wouldn't want it to. I was really just trying to decode what he was saying and asking if it sounded like he wanted or was planning to take it to the next level. I know I can obviously talk to him but I just wanted opinions right now. Thank you for your response No need for a decoder ring. He has zero intention of taking it to the next level. You are a filler until he finds a woman he wants to date. Link to comment
Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Okay cool! Thanks y'all Just wanted to be sure I wasn't missing anything Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 LOL ------ there is nothing to miss! About as clear as crystal!!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 A person who wanted you to stay in his life and make sure you would not be snapped up by some other guy would not want to risk being anything less than 100% clear and it takes less than 10 words, if that, to make it clear. Link to comment
Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 mhowe- I appreciated your advice but I do feel as if you are being a little rude now. Apparently things were not clear as a crystal because I just received a good morning text a long with "so what is up with us? I know you don't want to do this forever and I know I don't. Come over so we can talk later if you can " Link to comment
Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Thanks to everyone for the advice.. We are talking tonight about the FWB thing. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 mhowe- I appreciated your advice but I do feel as if you are being a little rude now. Apparently things were not clear as a crystal because I just received a good morning text a long with "so what is up with us? I know you don't want to do this forever and I know I don't. Come over so we can talk later if you can " ok - actually Mhowe was spot on. Don't confuse a "hello" message with a "relationship". Thing is - when someone wants to sleep with you, or keep you as an option, they don't just show up and take their pants off. They have to keep in touch with you - like a hello message - stay charming enough to get themselves to the next encounter. Even offering his number for Grandma was part of this (or maybe it would be something he would do for an even more casual coworker). When someone tells you that they are looking for a relationship, invites you to meet his folks because he wants to make you a part of the family, and they try to involve you in various aspects of their life - THAT is when you might say "wow - this looks like this is going somewhere." btw since you are questioning if this is something or not - could you be ready to break this off and find someone who DOES want an exclusive romantic relationship? Honestly, there would be no "does he or doesn't he" anymore if you made a decision about what you want and you went with it (cut him off so you can find someone for you) Link to comment
Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 I don't want a relationship either that is why I wanted to make sure he was not trying to take things further hence me asking him if he wanted to start our FWB back up since he got out of a relationship and I did too. I think that is what I should have stated is that I do not want a relationship right now just someone to have fun with. I am not trying to make up a situation in my head because I want a relationship with him because I don't. He is a fun person to have fun with but not exactly relationship material. He texts me through out the entire day good morning and good night texts included. He wants me to go to his birthday thing his friends and family are putting together this weekend. He wants to cuddle Hold hands We do just hang out sometimes with out taking it further He wants more attention and has said in the past about me not talking to him enough He asks me about my day and vice versa Wants me to stay the night Like I said we have been doing this off and on since 2012 and back then it was just a rumble in the sack and time for you to leave. That is the reason I was asking. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 >>I mean we can be whatever really you know until something really works out but I am not looking for a relationship at this very moment.. He's willing to do this until something 'better' in his mind comes along. FWBs are fraught with confusion and risk because one or the other of you starts getting feelings due to the bonding hormones generated by sex, especially in women. I don't do FWBs because basically the other person is telling you you're 'good enough for now, but not good enough to be my BF/GF'. So you're 'filler' to fill in the companionship and sexual needs until they meet someone they really feel something for. So personally i think they are a waste of time with a whole lot of risk that somebody will get hurt in the end. If you're going to invest time in someone, why not invest it in someone with real potential rather than just 'filler'? Link to comment
Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Personally I feel like people have needs and if you feel comfortable with someone and attracted physically then why not have someone fulfill them while you are single or talking to other potential people that you could see yourself in a relationship with. Once you find someone you want to have a relationship with then you drop your FWB and go on and have your relationship. I personally like not having strings attached because you don't have to worry about the attention or all the other stuff that goes into a relationship. Of course I am still human and when the time comes that I want a relationship I will have it but until then I am just enjoying life. Everyone is different though. I know that is what kind of had me confused because I think it could of been taken 2 different ways. Could of been like " I don't want a relationship right now with you but something can develop" or " Just waiting on something else to come along and I want to continue the FWB thing".. Just was weird when I asked if he wanted to start back up a FWB and he started talking about he wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment etc. I said nothing about starting a relationship lol Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I think that if you don't want a relationship, its not about you trying to decode what he wants to make sure that he doesn't, but to be firm in what you want and act on it with your feet. If you are taking what he is dishing out - cuddling with him, holding hands while you walk - you are giving him the impression that you are either receptive to a relationship that he wants or you are giving him mixed signals (he doesn't want anything more, but thinks you do.) If you truly don't want a relationship but want to date - go out with friends, go out with a variety of guys regularly but couples stuff or jumping in the sack with them all. I don't want a relationship right now with you but something can develop a guy thinks if he told you a firm "no" you wouldn't give him what he wants. a soft "no" that is more like a "maybe" gives most girls - even though it shouldn't - enough of a carrot to keep chasing. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 >> I personally like not having strings attached because you don't have to worry about the attention or all the other stuff that goes into a relationship. There are always strings attached, even when you pretend there aren't. Human beings are not machines and emotions are very complicated. Maybe you'll get lucky and you'll both have the exact same level of disinterest in each other and be fine with it. But usually it doesn't work that way because everyone's feelings are their own and they vary in terms of level of attachment and intentions over time. btw, what he is giving you is very strong 'caveat emptor' messages. As in, buyer beware, and don't start thinking that this FWB situation is ever going anywhere. That is a clear case of him wanting you to understand clearly that whatever you do together, it doesn't 'mean' anything more or promise anything more. He even reinforced the warning the next morning by sending you another message that said 'i'm sure neither of us wants this to go on forever.' As in, he's really not feeling interested in you beyond temporary shagging and hanging out. Or maybe he's having second thoughts about pursuing a FWB at all and doesn't want to do it. The only way you'll know what he really means is to talk to him more and tell him exactly what your expectations are and ask him the same. And believe what he tells you rather than filling in the blanks to suit your own purposes. Link to comment
Alexis1990 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Okay new problem.. He just admitted to having feelings. I don't even want to go over tonight and talk to him but I feel that would be so rude. Well I guess this is the reason you don't do FWB. Lesson learned and now I have to fix this mess. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 It was only one night together again. So tell him you are not interested if you're not and stop sleeping with him to stop blurring the boundaries. He'll get over it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 I would focus far more on what you want individually than "people". The thought of casual sex repulsed me and scared me (health-wise) although I found it intriguing and tempting in my 20s (but didn't partake -too scared of STDs/pregnancy/getting attached). If to you enjoying life means having casual sex then go for it but understand there are always strings attached of some sort and always risks -if enjoying the sex is worth the risks, go for it. Try to stay honest with yourself about what you want and do not want without rationalizing that it's about everyone's "needs". I would be simple and direct with him "I enjoy having sex with you but do not want to take this beyond a sexual relationship". Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 5, 2014 Share Posted September 5, 2014 It was only one night together again. So tell him you are not interested if you're not and stop sleeping with him to stop blurring the boundaries. He'll get over it. I do want to reiterate that if he has feelings - you MUST end this arrangement. You must not sleep with him. You must not cuddle or do datey things. If someone has feelings and the other doesn't, then you must move on, or everything you are doing is leading him on. If you don't want to date him "for real" you have to put a stop to all of this. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Yes, several times in my life I have had men very interested in me who I know wanted to date me though I had no feelings for them. When I realized the extent of their crushes on me and that they were hanging around in hopes I'd change my mind, I actually really cooled down the friendship and in a couple cases stopped seeing them entirely as friends because I realized it was kinder to do that in order for them to stop focusing on me and find someone else for themselves. As long as they had me to focus unfounded hopes on, they didn't pursue other women so it was cruel to keep them around and tortured by unrequited love just because I enjoyed them as friends. I valued them as friends, but felt it was more important to have mercy on them and break things off as friends for their sakes. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 He only thinks he has feelings because he is enjoying the girlfriend experience with you. You are not his choice however, just a placeholder. He wants to have a pretend girlfriends with all the cuddles but yet keep his options open. There is nothing for you here. Link to comment
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