Ready to give up..

[quark]

It's just hitting me right now HOW many times I've had to say "are you okay?" or "what's wrong?". And HOW many fights we've gotten into because of his controlling, invasive and jealous ways.

 

 

Things were going somewhat alright in the past few months. Still having that problem with lack of sex. I am seriously convinced that I have a chemical/hormonal imbalance or something. (Or maybe I'm just depressed, and I handle it really well?) In any case... I have no desire for sex.. not just with him, not with anyone. It's not like I deny him, then go lusting around after other men. It's not there for me at all. Willing to shell out the $200 on these pills/topicals for women to increase libido.

 

Anyway, so I just started a new job. I got home from an intensive day of training and gearing up for a test run tomorrow (basically a stress test). Plop down on the couch. He is on the complete opposite side. "What's wrong?". "Nothing" he says. I equate silence with anger..because that is often how I show my anger. In any case, it's not normal or healthy to be pouty and silent all the time around your partner.

 

So, can't remember if he asked or if I just started talking about my day.. But I say what we trained on and then I say "And then I went to grab lunch at X". And he says:

 

"Who did you have lunch with? Did any guys flirt with you?"

 

Basically irritated through the roof at that question. Then, when we bicker about it, he says to me "Well, I can't trust you to tell me every time somebody flirts with you". I was so enraged, upset, etc.. that I had to just leave the house. I didn't want to be around him. He basically told me he doesn't trust me, so without trust what do we have? And that's where I was at in my head.

 

When I came home he wanted to talk. I wanted to just stew in my anger and hurt, but we sort of talked anyway..

 

He stands by his statement that he can't trust me to tell him every single detail of every single interaction with a male I have. I say I don't feel like I need to tell you those things.. I don't want to come home and like a soldier report back to you. He says, he doesn't want to come visit me at work and be friendly with Jim or Bob only to feel like a sucker because they are flirting with me when he isn't around. I say that you need to trust that I will shut that kind of behavior down and there is no need for you to know about anything unless I feel its worth telling you. You need to trust me as a filter for that kind of stuff.

 

And on and on and on.

 

On one hand he says he realizes that he is pyscho, being ridiculous ... on the other he says thats just how he is. (like, basically get used to it)

 

I don't want to live like this. And basically.. if we weren't going on an international vacation in 5 days. I would have broken up with him last night.

 

 

But I woke up this morning feeling like that might have been hasty .. so in the meanwhile, can anyone recommend any conflict resolution websites/books? Or anything related specifically to the problem I have? (Jealous, controlling, obviously dealing with past hurt boyfriend?)

[mhowe]

There is no magic book or site to fix him.

 

Enjoy your vacation, come home --- break up ---- and enjoy your freedom. His requests (to tell him of ANY male interaction) is beyond the pale.

[quark]

His requests (to tell him of ANY male interaction) is beyond the pale.

 

 

 

He doesn't seem to understand that. I say "other people's relationships are not like this!" to which he replies, where did I get my statistics?

[mhowe]

You cannot use logic nor reason on an unreasonable person.

 

Tell him that "that is just how he is" is someone you cannot be in a relationship with any longer.

[SooSad33]

This jealousy is HIS problem and if he is going to continue with it, he's at risk for losing you. He's pushing you away and all you've said to him is correct.

So you can fight this never ending battle til you lose it.. or give him an altimatum. Enough or you're backing out.

If one can NOT trust the other, the relationship will not flourish.

[quark]

I try to make the point that he also works in a restaurant, so he also works around good looking people (servers and bartenders). I say, I don't care who talks to him or who he sits down to lunch with in the cafeteria. Because I trust that he loves me and wouldn't do anything in appropriate. He seems bothered by this. I think he wants me to reciprocate some of his jealous tendencies. I think he equates extreme jealousy with caring.

[mhowe]

That is a very immature view of love ---- and you cannot make him grow up.

[quark]

text message:

 

 

Sorry about last night, I know i'm very difficult. I hope we can talk when you get home. Have a good day at work.

[mhowe]

Well, tonights' chat should be about how glad you are that he is aware he is very difficult.

 

And what his plans are to change.

 

Because I suspect part of your lack of desire for sex is his judgemental and controlling persona.

[misssmithviii]

I try to make the point that he also works in a restaurant, so he also works around good looking people (servers and bartenders). I say, I don't care who talks to him or who he sits down to lunch with in the cafeteria. Because I trust that he loves me and wouldn't do anything in appropriate. He seems bothered by this. I think he wants me to reciprocate some of his jealous tendencies. I think he equates extreme jealousy with caring.

 

I used to equate extreme jealousy with caring until I realized that it's just pushing one's own insecurities on someone else, and wanting to make sure they can control their partner. Let me rephrase that, extreme jealousy in your situation's context. Getting jealous isn't out of the ordinary, but when it becomes an attack on the other person - that's when it becomes a serious issue in my opinion.

 

When he berates you with these questions of "who flirted with you" etc, you have to wonder what does he expect out to get of the answer anyways? If you said, "yes X or Y flirted with me but I tactfully shut it down" or "nope, nobody" - what does he plan to do about either situation? The first one is out of his control so he'd likely get angry since he sounds like a control freak, and the latter, he won't even believe anyways.

 

The guy's all over the place. I would break up with him and explain to him that extreme jealousy and controlling behavior is only going to push other people away, so for his sake you hope he can find the inner peace (or get help tbh) to overcome it.

 

 

 

 

 

Best wishes, and I hope you remain vigilant in your decision.

[bulletproof]

How long has this been going on? Quite a while, judging from your prior threads.

 

I agree with mhowe that your lack of desire for sex is not a mystery. You feel trapped, controlled, and resentful at the fighting over the same subject that never ends.

 

Just end it already. And get some therapy to figure out why you clung to this for so long, and how you can avoid choosing a guy like this going forward.

[Ms Darcy]

Just end it already indeed.

[catfeeder]

[...] I suspect part of your lack of desire for sex is his judgemental and controlling persona.

 

I agree. Don't spend a lot of money on pills to fix your sex drive, because there's nothing that can raise your sex drive when you're continually furious.

 

Or even mildly resentful.

 

It's a libido killer, and it's your body's way of showing you what you mind may not have registered yet.

 

Although it sounds as though your mind is catching on.

 

This guy is not relationship material.

 

He might have some excellent qualities, but those go down the tubes when he treats you like an untrustworthy moron who's incapable of handling herself in public--as you have for your entire adult life before meeting him.

 

I can't blame you for considering getting yourself out of this thing. If BF ever gets some serious therapy for his problem, maybe he can meet you on higher ground someday. But the only way for that to happen is for you to go there first--on your own.

 

Head high.

[quark]

During our talk I made it clear that therapy/counseling is a must. It's not an option, its something we have to do. Because although he says that he knows he is being crazy, that its his fault, that he is trying to work on it, etc: I've heard him say these things for what seems like forever. So obviously, an outside entity is needed to come in and help because we aren't able to get through this on our own.

 

To add another teaspoon of ridiculous to this, he told me that during a night out recently, he told some of my girlfriends that he has been shopping around for a ring and wants to propose. Basically, to be prepared for my best friend to ask "Soooooo?" when I get home from vacation. I can't fathom how someone can be so extreme in one way or another. On one hand you want to dedicate your life to me and on the other you think i'm lying to you when I say I got lunch by myself the other day.

 

As to why I've clung to this for so long? Patience. And to be honest, aren't we all a little broken? So I can relate to a lot of his feelings, I guess I've just worked through mine already or I at least know how to tie mine down so I don't create a scene/argument.

 

Everything is sort of on hold for the moment. We go away in about 4 days, so I will just reassess then. Right now I'm gonna try and enjoy my vacation.

[mhowe]

Him telling you that he has told your gf's he is ring shopping ---- and him now telling you that he told them ---- is nothing more (or less) than CONTROL.

 

He sees you are upset....maybe getting ready to jump....so he just threw a loaf of bread.

 

Ask him to pull up a few of the rings so that you have some input to the "style", as the cat is now out of the bag.

[reinventmyself]

There is nothing wrong with you and your lack of sexual desire.

Desire or lack there-of is a strong indicator of the state of your relationship.

I wouldn't desire him either.

On the other hand, someone who treats you well, you'd likely be all over him.

[quark]

We've talked extensively about ring styles and looked at them together already. A while back.

 

mhowe: And I would hope that he knows me well enough to know that dangling a possible proposal won't work on me. Basically I could give a f~~~. I already told him that I absolutely will not consider getting married until we overcome our biggest issues.

 

You'd be surprised to hear how head strong and independent I can be. I know it doesn't come accross through my various posts about this same guy and same problem. But, basically I have incredible patience and understanding until I snap and I hit that wall. Then, there is no talking me out of it.

[mhowe]

Then --- as your post title state --- "ready to give up"....

 

he is now grasping at straws. He is telling you that it is possible he will propose on this vacation. And since he should know you well enough ---

and there has been no progress to "overcome the biggest issues"....

 

So ---- are you ready to say "no" to a proposal and what do you think that will do?

[quark]

I don't see him trying to propose since he already let me know about it. I hope its pretty clear to him that I will say no, since he isn't even sure if I will want to continue to be a couple after vacation. He said to me to let him know if I'm gonna break it off, so he can just stay in Europe as some sort of jaded vagabond, lol.

 

If he were to propose and I said no, I think he'd be pretty heartbroken .. but again, I can't see how he wouldn't see it coming.

[mhowe]

I think you may be dating an ostrich!!

 

He sees it coming ---- or he wouldn't ask for the heads up so he can travel solo through Europe with his broken heart.

 

Put on your "guilt shield".

[bulletproof]

As to why I've clung to this for so long? Patience. And to be honest, aren't we all a little broken? So I can relate to a lot of his feelings, I guess I've just worked through mine already or I at least know how to tie mine down so I don't create a scene/argument.

 

Yes, everyone has issues. However, there is a difference between having issues and taking those issues out on others. I have plenty of issues but I'm not abusive and controlling toward my boyfriend.

 

I don't think patience is what's keeping you there. I think it could be a fear of being alone, an urge to "fix" someone, and a desire to play out possible past dysfunctional relationships you had growing up.

 

While it's okay to relate to someone's problems, there is also such a thing as overrelating, and that can make you blind to some really obvious things.