Day 1

[pfbsurf]

Day one of reestablished contact.

 

10 month R, BU 10 weeks ago, my decision, I asked for NC but we stuck to very LC (she initiated 90% of texts to me). We ran into each other this wknd. Long story, but we reconnected. She stayed over - we slept together a few times. Talked - no drama. No agenda now, no plans.

 

I have gone into LOTS of detail about the R and BU here if anyone is interested, just read some posts I started. Bottom line is that I was a complete mess toward the end of the R and for a good 4 weeks after. We are talking severe depression. Came out of it (no ADs even though they were prescribed - yay for me) and really started feeling better and very good the last few weeks.

 

I am just now getting my head around this. I am very cautious, but i still have incredibly strong feelings for her. And, the way she kept reaching out, and the ease of our time together this wknd makes me think that she is interested in starting something over.

 

Bottom line is that right now, i feel pretty good. She is no longer on a pedestal, altho obviously here i am writing and thinking about her. I had dated someone else this summer for a month, and got my confidence back in that area. She dated someone and dumped him - most likely bc she missed me (she basically said as much).

 

My life is very good right now - and being single is certainly easy in many ways.

 

I dont' want to ever, ever go through what i went through in june. 30 days of utter hell. But is that the risk in any relationship.

 

I can say that I do love her, but I also have a bit more jaded view of 'love' - so what does that mean?

 

And moving forward, i know there are no "answers" - so i'm going to try to stop asking the same questions over and over, and just try to be happy in the moment, every day.

 

Finally, i will say that LC -and for me, not blocking her number or FB, was the RIGHT decision. I was very brief and indifferent to her texts, but I almost always responded, even if it was one word four days later. It was very important to me that 10 months of my life was not an illusion. Knowing that she missed me, and that she did and does still care about me, and finding this out in person without asking - is very helfpul, at least for now. Without LC, i may have never really learned this. It is tricky though - i had to fight the urge to contact her daily, and her texts to me would literally ruin my day. But I survived, started to move on, and well, am pretty happy as of now.

 

 

 

(and of course, if you have followed my posts and know my "story" - feel free to chime in. I'm sure I will get an earful, but do look forward to comments and advice. This site was incredibly helpful to me over the last few months...)

[SooSad33]

Okay, so this has been a 10 week BU. And has anything been resolved between you two re: reasons for your BU?

 

You say YOU broke it off and you were a mess towards the end?

"Bottom line is that I was a complete mess toward the end of the R and for a good 4 weeks after. We are talking severe depression."

- Why did you end things to begin with?

 

Jumping back into a relationship again without dealing with the problems that arose, causing the split is not goint to help this at all.

Those problems will still be there, so again, same thing. ( Nothing has changed).

 

When you're apart you need to deal with what caused the BU, whether it was communication probs? Insecurities?

Do YOU think all is fine now to look at getting back together again?

 

If so, i suggest you take it slowly for a while. Ease into things again.

If you're not careful, it could get messed up rather quickly again.

[deadmareish]

I read your back story and it is clear how much you loved this women, and I understand why you needed to break it off and take time out to think on some things. This women betrayed you, she lied and she emotionally cheated on you.

However, being on the back end of a bad break up and being the one whose own actions caused the break up, I truly believe that some people need to be shown to be given a second chance.

 

You've been through some turmoil's in your love life, you certainly have some experience under your belt and I'm sure you've grown with each obstacle so now I would say you would know on your own what to do now.

 

If I were you, if any reconnecting was going to happen I would be taking it very slowly and almost practically start over again. You need to build your trust back up with her. You want to stay in this happy state you've worked so hard towards, so I would discuss with her the problems that lead you to be so depressed and get some reassurance that it isn't going to be like that this time.

 

Of course you can never be sure of what will happen, so your question is should you risk it?

 

How do people ever get anywhere in life without taking the risks? You need to risk certain thins in order to progress forward.

[pfbsurf]

Agreed on all points SooSad

 

Things ended for simple and complicated reasons. The simple reason is that i did not trust her - that she was texting another guy and hiding it.

 

The complex reasons are all over the place. My inability to handle stress (drank too much, now cut that back 90%), her history of serial dating and living a pretty active city social life. I was using her to escape and she was taking advantage of my being available and compliant. I was very insecure, and put her on a pedestal. I can honestly say that she is not on a pedestal anymore.

 

(edit - reading this, i guess i'm starting to get into that old habit of taking the blame. Don't get me wrong, I'm still confused and hurt by her actions, and feel that she has some very immature habits. She loves attention from guys, and has some narcissistic traits. She was evasive and ultimately, dishonest. I will not forget any of this...)

 

I am going to take it very easy - i promise. We do not have any "plans" other than that we agreed to meet up again. We really enjoyed seeing each other - the connection was still there, and we did talk a bit about teh end of the R, but there was no drama..

 

I don't know what I want just ye\t - but neither of us are talking about a "relationship". I am well aware how quickly this can get difficult. I am not under any illusions right now, and the underlying issues (trust, insecurity) have not disappeared...

 

But somehow this feels right.

[pfbsurf]

I like your point about "knowing on my own what to do" - this is very true, and really due to the time away and this site.

 

And your point about risk too. The Gospel of NC is really about protecting ourselves and our ego, and it works when it comes to wiping someone from the history books.

 

But, I'm 47 - have now dated ALOT, and have really only had 2 women in my life that i have felt this way about. Just pointing fingers and moving on as a way to make myself feel better (low risk strategy) just did not feel right to me. I really feel that relationships are complex, we are only human, and that "love" is a rare event. No matter where she and I are, or what she "did" to me, i'd rather be grateful and sad than pissed and spiteful.

 

And yes, right now, i am in a pretty risky spot. But, and this is the interesting part, if this contact happened just a couple of weeks ago, i can say with certainty that it would have been a BAD idea. The timing - where I truly felt happy without her, and THEN we connect is... strange.

 

I am taking it molasses slow. (she texted this AM, i'll get back to her later...) I am going to spend some time and figure out how I was able to get back to being happy on my own, and hyper focus on those areas. If she wants to be involved in that, awesome.

 

And writing this last point makes me understand that trying to figure out how and where we went wrong is probably a bad idea - it is counter to "moving slow". We did talk about some things, but i don't expect either of us to spill our guts right now. My "strategy" such that it is, when dating (and dating her in particular) is simply to be the best and happiest person I can be, and hope that this matches up with her in some way.

[deadmareish]

And writing this last point makes me understand that trying to figure out how and where we went wrong is probably a bad idea - it is counter to "moving slow". We did talk about some things, but i don't expect either of us to spill our guts right now. My "strategy" such that it is, when dating (and dating her in particular) is simply to be the best and happiest person I can be, and hope that this matches up with her in some way.

 

I suppose you're right. Trying discuss your problems is dwelling on the bad, when you need to focus on the good and how to work on that to continue to be as happy as you are. Perhaps then, just do as you feel best and continue to see her and see where it leads. It will be like I said, just starting a brand new relationship and in retrospect that's what you want.

 

Anyway, good luck. I hope you keep us all updated

[happyplace]

Hey man, this post is inspiring. I am currently going through the exact same situation as your breakup (a week ago today). We ended it mutually due to her inability to communicate and her obsessive family life, although we always had the trust and was never an issue.

 

We've been limited contact, I have not done any of the contact though, they've been all through her. I'm 27 and shes 23 so I know the age gap is part of that, but shes made it clear since the break that she misses me and still loves me but that were doing the right thing at least for now.

 

I plan on keeping the contact between us mostly in her hands and really hope we can patch things up down the road. I'm gonna keep following this thread, and hope the best for you.

 

This site is a real blessing and I'm glad I found it as it has really helped along the way.

 

Thanks again for this post, and best of luck in your situation!

[pfbsurf]

Glad it is helpful.

 

The best and only advice i can give is to focus 100% on yourself. This comes in different packages, but there is very little downside for you to stay NC. (LC in the first few weeks is really not advised) The time will pass slowly, and it will be very hard, but you will look back and see results, trust me. This is coming frome someone who - as I mentioned - was thrown into a serious depression in June.

 

She will reach out, she will wonder about you, and she will respect your self control.

 

I spent a lot of time (too much maybe) on this site and others - watch a ton of Corey Wayne videos on Youtube - HIGHLY recommended - and really just figured out how to spend my days productively, without her.

 

Corey Wayne talks about the "illusion of action" in relationships. It is so true. My being indifferent, unavailable, and moving on allowed her to miss me, to see the positives in the R, and the downside of being alone. It allowed me to regain my self respect and literally regain my ability to smile.

 

You'll be fine - if you look at all of this as an important life lession first and foremost, and - this is not being selfish - as part of the process of YOUR improvement (not hers, not the relationship), then you will only get good results. I promise.

 

Good luck !

[pfbsurf]

I suppose you're right. Trying discuss your problems is dwelling on the bad, when you need to focus on the good and how to work on that to continue to be as happy as you are. Perhaps then, just do as you feel best and continue to see her and see where it leads. It will be like I said, just starting a brand new relationship and in retrospect that's what you want.

 

Anyway, good luck. I hope you keep us all updated

 

 

thanks again - going to cut it short now - part of my moving on was also moving on from here but of course i had to let someone know

 

will keep you guys posted...

[lavenderdove]

>>hi - ok, i've posted a few times over the last couple weeks. 10 month relationship, 2 short breaks recently - she basically initiated both reconciliations

 

OK, so that was from May... so obviously you had another 3rd breakup and now are wandering back together again. I'd be more optimistic for you if this wasn't your repeated pattern, to wander apart, then wander back together again.

 

If you want this to work, it isn't about 'going slow', it is about solving the problems that lead to these breakups. I suggest if you want to really give this a REAL shot, you two should go to counseling together to work in the issues that keep causing problems and breakups. The problems don't go away just because you spend some time apart and get lonely and drift back together again. These kinds of breakup/make up relationships that repeat the pattern usually do end eventually, but not until one of you meets someone they like well enough to replace you with.

 

So what are the fundamental problems you had? You both need to discuss them together, and be willing to change and stop repeating the destructive patterns. So you drank too much? Don't stop 90%, stop 100% and become really serious about it rather than stopping 90% and sliding back into it again when you become more comfortable with it. And she's a big flirt? Well, she needs to ramp back on that too and stop flirting with other guys if she wants to be in a committed relationships. She needs to find ways to relate to men and build her ego that don't involve flirting which is destructive to your relationship.

 

So if you want to try again, do, but recognize this is more of the same and you'll likely repeat the same pattern if you don't actively and aggressively grapple with your relationship problems and preferably deal with them in counseling.

[happyplace]

Thanks for the advice man. I'll check out Corey Wayne, and have already looked into ways to better myself (starting a new diet today and applying for a few night jobs for some extra cash) All in all I'm going to try and make this positive. It's just hard right now because its so fresh, but I'm really trying.

[pfbsurf]

Well, i did say read my old posts Thanks.

 

 

No excuses here - the break up was a bit of a slow motion car wreck, over many weeks.

 

I agree that whatever led to the breakup needs to be addressed, just not sure when and how. If i bring it up now, it really does put any reconciliation at risk in my opinion. And for once, i really don't think i NEED answers. I just want to see if we can hang out and have fun for a bit...

 

As for the changes I am making and have made, honestly, they are more on my mind right now than she is - i realize that the positive changes she saw in me this weekend surprised her, and reminded her of the fun we had early on... I need to keep this momentum. Sliding back into a relationship on any level right now would be a bad idea. BUT, i am dating, why not date her?

 

I'd be interested in hearing from others on this point - A) slow my roll or B) get to the bottom of everything right away?

[professorplum]

I agree, I would not bring anything up at this stage. At the moment you are seeing each other and you are not actually a couple. To pick up your comment, it really depends on what you define as dating.

 

At some point (if this connection is to develop and flourish) you will have to get the bottom of everything that happened in the past between you. At present it appears you are in another honeymoon period and I can't blame you for wanting to enjoy it. However, given your description of how you suffered, you must be really careful you do not drift along enjoying the good times and suddenly you get hurt one again because she is not ready for the kind of commitment you want or expect.

 

You sound in control at the minute: master of his own destiny but there will possibly come a time when you no longer feel like that. Some of these feelings and reactions need to be shared with her if you are in for the long haul together. Be careful that is what she wants. At present I guess it is hard to tell. There is clearly something quite special which exists between you. Have fun and enjoy being together and then see where you are at. But be prepared at that stage for things to derail; it is a distinct possibility given the history.

 

All relationships have risk attached to them and it sounds as if you are wanting to take that risk. Don't allow yourself to be hurt in the same way by this woman if she ultimately cuts and runs. I somehow don't see you doing that to her - you are too invested. If you have the serious talk now, might she see you as being too intense? You know her better than all of us obviously.

[pfbsurf]

thanks ProfPlum - you make some great points - and interesting to point out a "honeymoon period", very true. this past wknd was just like when we were first dating, no drama, no pressure, great conversation, great s*x... But then. I got back home and back to my life, and started thinking again...

 

So, Day 2. Not much sleep last night. Not stressed out really, not worried because I am in control right now. But.. just thinking. I really, really want to learn and grow from this - the place i am in now is pretty healthy, amazing considering where I was a month or two ago... Here are some of the big theme thoughts that i'm focused on - rather than specifics about how or whether I want to get back with her...

 

1) People don't change. Myself included. I can improve and work on bad habits, but the big picture stuff about me, mostly good but some not so much, i probably will be this way forever. So will she. She lied and drifted when times got mildly tough...

 

2) After months and months, including several with her and post BU of sliding into and being mired in depression, i am finally better. Just the last couple of weeks - i've been able to really enjoy my kids, have fun surfing and hanging out with friends, and get back to focusing on work. Oh, and i dated a bit. STill have had rough days and many lonely nights, but i got to this point without her, so... Just sayin.

 

3) I know that other cool, attractive women will go out with me.

 

4) Honesty is very important to me - and once someone breaks trust, i have a hard time forgetting. I"m pretty good at forgiving, depending on the situation

 

5) I miss her very much, but I miss the fun stuff, not the BS.

 

Etc. Right now file this under self improvement, not reconciliation. We texted a bit yesterday, but for now, i'm staying busy and not reaching out...

[lavenderdove]

There's an old expression that goes if you keep doing what you've been doing you'll keep getting what you've been getting. So you recognize you have this pattern where you drift back together for a while in a second honeymoon kind of thing, then you're right back into another breakup cycle when the same old problems start up again.

 

So you need to change the dynamic and fix the problems if you want a different outcomes. Different outcomes don't just magically happen because you want them too. Sure, you can have 'fun' for a while if you don't confront the issues, but until when? That is the attitude of an addict, as in 'i'll just have one more drink and a little fun and will quit later.' Your relationship is taking the same arc. Sure, you have a little fun, but then the pain inevitably comes later when you don't solve the problems that keep driving you apart.

 

There is no question that the two of you 'have fun' or you wouldn't have been attracted to each other, but that 'fun' is not what sustains a relationship if you have serious problems and don't address them.

 

So, let's see... you finally worked thru your depression and were getting better, and just on the cusp of REALLY realizing your life is better, you turn and run back to her. And the cycle starts over. This is just what alcoholics do too. You've relapsed, but your drug is this woman. Yes, she will indeed be a lot of fun for a while, but if you don't fix your problems, you're headed for another turn in the bucket with another breakup and another cycle of depression.

 

So cut to the chase. You know you two do 'fun' OK, but you don't do 'lasting and stable relationship' OK. So you need to talk to her about whether she wants to seriously give this a shot and deal with the problems you had before. And if she's not willing to address them and try to break the negative pattern, where you totally stop drinking and she totally stops lying and cheating, then you are far better investing in finding some 'fun' with another woman who has long term potential rather than just another turn in the bucket before this women chews you up and spits you out again.

[pfbsurf]

yikes

 

OK, points taken. And honestly, you could be right.

 

Devil's advocate position is that every relationship is hard and takes work, and not every dating relationship is "fun" or has a real connection. The picture you paint is all the bad stuff, and that stuff was real. But the relationship also had very good things too. We are both trying to sort this out.

 

I did not run back to her. I occasionally responded briefly to her texts, and always indifferently -but never asked to see her or get back together. This weekend just happened. It may be all that happens, who knows...

 

As for drinking, depression, lying and all that - i get your point, but again, and you'll have to trust me on this, these traits do not define either of us, they are just flaws. I am 47, have never had a drinking problem before, and admittedly was drinking (only beer) to relieve stress. That has stopped. i'll have a beer or two and will drink socially, but i understand my "addiction" much better now. Her lying - possibly the same sort of issue.

 

Also, there were a few other very stressful events in my life (a move, financial loss) that contributed to my depression that are now resolved.

 

Anyway, we are only human, and sometimes the expectations we set for each other sets the stage for a lifetime of broken relationships and being alone.

 

I honestly feel at this point that having her in my life has been a good thing, despite the problems. And this last contact, at least for now, feels somewhat "right". Maybe this wont last, or won't be stable, but part of my problem - and why I got "chewed up and spit out" (even though i broke up with her) is that I let myself get too attached. Lesson learned If I do that again, well, fool me once...

 

but thanks for your insight, it actually is very helpful...

[pfbsurf]

Day 3. More confused, more clear. Does that make sense?

 

We texted a bit yesterday - i am not being overly friendly, not asking her out, but i am responding. She's got an MRI today for a back issue, work is really stressful for her, she's sad about end of summer. I sent her a pic of debbie downer. She asked me why i was so "nice" to her this past wknd. I ignored the question, but it got me thinking. There is nothing i can do to make myself look better in her eyes (even if I wanted to). her impression of me is in stone right now, nice guy who walked away when she flaked... now i'm back, in some form, in her life.

 

I said that people don't really change, but it is also important to understand that people's impressions of us don't really change either. I layed awake last night thinking of her as I thought of her a couple of months back. Someone who was going to lie if it suited her, someone who was going to keep me around on her terms, and yes, someone I really wanted to have "love" me. On my terms... Even if she "changed" and she didn't lie and really "loved" me, i would still be stuck with this impression.

 

Sad.

 

I'm now backtracking. I want to see her badly, but. I deleted her texts (not her number) and i'm going into full retreat for now. If she reaches out -and she will, about her MRI most likely.. I'll.. I'm not sure.

 

probably should just put her on the spot. No matter what, i'm never going to get past her prior behavior, whether it was terrible or just inappropriate (varies depending on who you ask) And yet, i still hold out some hope that she will come clean, fall for me completely, and we can start over. NUTS.

 

Finally, and this is from reading up on another site that is, shall we say, a bit harsh on this sort of subject. Very anti relationship, somewhat anti-woman, but has some insightful posts on the nature of lying/cheating/neediness etc... (think red pill blue pill for anyone up on this)

 

The takeaway from reading there for me is that my progress over the last few weeks, my happiness, is directly tied to not having her in my life. It is remarkable how good i feel or have felt lately, as i've pointed out, and now that I"m thinking about her, trouble sleeping, starting to ruminate and have doubts about myself... Another vote for walking away? If we reconnect, it will take a decent amount of energy for me to date her... I wish i could look into the future..

[happyplace]

Wise words man. Thanks again for sharing, its something to think about. My recent ex used to say I'm too nice to her all the time and it confused the hell outta me. "How do you expect to be treated then?" I would ask her and she'd just shrug her shoulders, like she felt like she didn't deserve such good treatment. Boggles my mind man, maybe its a lack of self esteem on their part.

 

Who the hell knows...?

[pfbsurf]

At this point, being "nice" is just setting myself up. I know that for a fact.

 

I also know that the women that i've been cold/indifferent to (when there has been interest on their part) have ALWAYS been the most attracted to me. I had one woman i was flat out rude to (she is married) that became absolutely obsessed, and its not because I look like Brad Pitt. (I don't )

 

There is plenty of evidence to show that being nice doesn't work with women, just the definition of "nice" is very broad.

 

in this specific case, im just doing my version of not being nice. Going back to (as of today) indifference and living my life without her as a consideration.

 

For now, because after a week or so of this on my end, i'll cave, respond to her texts, be nice etc. And she will have the reassurance that the guy who dumped her is still on a leash, still a safety net.

 

Because people don't change.

[happyplace]

People don't change but situations do. There are girls I know if I met at different points in my life would have worked out great. But I guess its luck of the draw. I do agree with the rudeness/attraction level correlation though, which is also unfortunate. My ex is still texting me, maybe I'll try to be passive about things, see where that takes me. Not mean necessarily but just nonchalant. Ah I don't know...we shall see.

[pfbsurf]

My sense is that most of the time, when they are texting, it is really just to get reassurance, not to get back together, including in my situation.

 

I'm more and more heartsick about all of this now, because I know that it is really not going to end well... I'm going to be in the same boat - having to walk away from someone that i really really like.

[happyplace]

Don't let it get you down man. Like you said you're thinking of all this before it progresses, so you've got a jump on how the rest of it will go. Stay strong and do what you know is right. Have hope, not that it will work out, but that you will come out on top whatever happens. You have the control right now whether you see it or not because you have hindsight, and you know what they say about hindsight.

[happyplace]

Hey man, any more thought's? How's it going over there?

[pfbsurf]

Hey HP,

 

thanks for asking.

 

Lots of thoughts... its going well, although i haven't really gotten any further with her. Which i think is fine.

 

originally (earlier this week after we hooked up) i was going to set a date, but now i'm taking it easy. I'm going to let her reach out and ask to meet up. If she doesn't, fine, if she does, fine. Just taking it day to day.

 

No texting yesterday - she had her MRI (back pain) - and i was honestly a bit disappointed that she didnt reach out last night about it. I did text her this AM briefly "howd it go"... and "good luck" (she gets her results today). She said thanks and have an awesome day cutie.

 

Cutie... OK, trying not to read into anything. And really, i still don't know if i want to see her again..

[pfbsurf]

OK - need to get back to work but one last "journal" entry.

 

I'm a bit of an obsessive thinker. Not good when things when screwy in relationship (lots of negative self talk) but that can good when i'm trying to figure important things out

 

 

And this morning, i'm "obsessed" (focused?) with the idea that relationships, or at least the one i've been posting about, will hold me back from self improvement. Without her, i went back to being single and really figuring out what I needed to do to be happy. I don't want to lose that.

 

We'll see..