Dating a man with baggage is this too much to put up with?

[Batya33]

You played with fire by dating a married man and interacting in a very unhealthy way with him. You're lucky that he and his ex are leaving you alone. Ignoring you might not be the most polite but believe me you are very lucky he is just ignoring you. Your behavior in getting physical was unstable so he might be concerned about remaining in contact -he has to put his well being and that of his family first.

[lavenderdove]

>>I have also asked my partner to get a divorce he said he will but he hadnt thought of it even though he has paid her s out

 

He's not your partner because he is literally still married to someone else and hence not available to be your partner. You should never ever date a married man (whether living with the wife or not) because he is still legally married and has unfinished business with his wife. He is not yet divorced because he doesn't want to be. No other reason at all.

 

This is one of the most screwed up and dysfunctional situations I heard in a while. He and his wife are still engaged in a really sick game with each other, and frankly he is as sick as she is if this has been going on with her for 10 years and he's done nothing about it. I'm sure he just has a series of girlfriends in his life who are triangulated into their drama, who rotate in and out of his life whenever they get sick of it or the GF pushes him to finish it with his wife and he won't do that so he breaks it off.

 

Notice how he suddenly disappears for a long time right at the point you tell him he must divorce. He sees no advantage to himself for divorcing, so he won't do it. And he's blaming you for this sick situation he has going on with his wife and very troubled children.

 

You need to get out of this situation entirely. This is NOT the man for you, especially considering he is married to someone else and has a truly crazy relationship with her. A NORMAL man with a crazy wife would just go ahead with the divorce, finalize the custody arrangements, stick to them, and get the troubled kids into counseling to help them. Instead these two just go around and around generating all this drama and triangulating other people into it to be bit players in their little drama. So he has as many problems as his ex-wife if he keeps participating in this craziness and not divorcing her.

 

So what do you do? Sadly, you need to walk away from this drama because it has been going on for 10 years and still isn't over, and I doubt it will ever be over because they both are so dysfunctional. Don't let him blame you for this mess they have created.

 

And get some counseling for yourself to understand why you'd put up with this, and also to learn to control your temper so that you don't get into intense verbal and physical fights with your BFs. That can be dangerous all around, and you need to learn how to have a good realtionship rather than a twisted one, and to recognize when something is so severely dysfunctional you need to get out.

[aussielis]

i feel like im losing it

[aussielis]

You played with fire by dating a married man and interacting in a very unhealthy way with him. You're lucky that he and his ex are leaving you alone. Ignoring you might not be the most polite but believe me you are very lucky he is just ignoring you. Your behavior in getting physical was unstable so he might be concerned about remaining in contact -he has to put his well being and that of his family first.

 

why am i lucky that he is just ignoring me?

[Batya33]

why am i lucky that he is just ignoring me?

 

Lucky because he could come after you in a violent way, or his wife could, or either one of them could harass you by phone or over e-mail -at least he is staying away and you don't have to deal with the stress of negative contact or whether to get a restraining order. You're also lucky because this will help you move on faster and hopefully, eventually, date men who are single, available and stable.

[catfeeder]

why am i lucky that he is just ignoring me?

 

Because this prevents you from landing yourself in jail.

 

Quit while you're ahead.

[aussielis]

Because this prevents you from landing yourself in jail.

 

Quit while you're ahead.

would why would i land in jail? it would be more like the x

[lavenderdove]

>>i feel like im losing it

 

You feel like you're losing it because you have been sucked into the crazy-making world of these two dysfunctional people and you are starting to play their game.

 

I have a therapist tell me years ago that when she evaluates a new couple and sees one person in the couple who is tense, a wreck, not sleeping, strung out, worried etc., and the other person is calm and the picture of health, she knows that the calm person is the problem because they are engaging in crazy-making behavior that is wearing down and destroying and probably gaslighting their poor stressed out partner.

 

So you've been sucked into the crazy and it is exhausting you. Whereas this couple has perfected the art of crazy and loves to play it with each other and anybody they can trianguate into their game, and are enjoying the game and drama or they would have divorced and stopped it a long time again. So as long as you try to stay with this guy, you are going to feel on the edge, crazy, and like you're losing it. In your head you think the end goal is for him to leave his wife and then you and he will have a stable life, but in his mind (and his wife's mind) they have an entirely different agenda to play a twisted game that generates lots of drama and excitement for themselves but never actually ends in divorce.

 

You need to get out to save yourself. Let these two nut buckets play this game forever and never divorce if that is what they want to do, but sadly they will destroy their chlidren and you in the process if you let them.

 

Move on, free yourself, and find a NORMAL man to have a stable life with rather than dandling after some married man who is in a neverending power struggle with his wife who he has no real intention of ever divorcing, but will just continue in their crazy game.

[aussielis]

why is he ignoring me?

[journeynow]

why is he ignoring me?

 

I think everyone here is suggesting you to move on. Sounds like you are hanging on, and do not want to move on. Can you give 3 good reasons for you to stay?

[aussielis]

I think everyone here is suggesting you to move on. Sounds like you are hanging on, and do not want to move on. Can you give 3 good reasons for you to stay?

 

cos i love him

we had some good times

and he made me feel special

 

i dont get y he keeps saying he will call me then doesnt and ignores me its making feel like crap

[journeynow]

cos i love him

we had some good times

and he made me feel special

 

i dont get y he keeps saying he will call me then doesnt and ignores me its making feel like crap

 

I understand focusing on the good, yet protesting the bad. The thing is, it's a WHOLE package. Just because you love him, feel special with him, and have had some good times, that doesn't necessarily mean he's a good partner, or that you are compatible. Love does not "conquer all" when it comes to being in a healthy sustainable relationship. Which is why learning to recognize red flags is helpful, it can help determine if a relationship is worth putting more time and energy into, or whether is it time to let it be part of your past and move on to a better match down the road.

[aussielis]

I understand focusing on the good, yet protesting the bad. The thing is, it's a WHOLE package. Just because you love him, feel special with him, and have had some good times, that doesn't necessarily mean he's a good partner, or that you are compatible. Love does not "conquer all" when it comes to being in a healthy sustainable relationship. Which is why learning to recognize red flags is helpful, it can help determine if a relationship is worth putting more time and energy into, or whether is it time to let it be part of your past and move on to a better match down the road.

ok so why has he just ignored my calls and given me no closure?

[Batya33]

You give yourself closure. You tell yourself that silence means he is no longer interested in interacting with you and you tell yourself it is time to move on. All he owes you at this point is to tell you if he has discovered an STD he has so that you can get checked out (of course you should get checked out anyway).

 

"Because I love him" is never an excuse to continue acting in self-destructive or destructive ways. Choose to end your pity party ASAP (or allow yourself 10 minutes a day for a pity party) and take steps to do constructive, not destructive things. Responding to well-intentioned in put with "but I miss him" or "he owes me closure" is very unhealthy and unhelpful.

[lavenderdove]

>>ok so why has he just ignored my calls and given me no closure?

 

Because you care a lot more about him than he does about you. His silence is showing that he knows what you want from him (a commitment etc.) and he's not interested in that. and he doesn't want to deal with the drama of your emotions because he knows what you want and he knows he's not giving it to you and doesn't intend to.

 

Many people when they decide it is over just instantly cut to the chase and disappear. They know they are done so have a 'why bother' approach to talking to you or being willing to rehash what when wrong.

 

So you can't really expect him to give you 'closure' if he's made the choice to move on. You have to give it to yourself, where you accept that he wants something different from him than he is willing to give you. You can have love feelings for someone, but there is so much else involved in making it work beyond that, like common goals etc. He doesn't want to be married or commit, so there's no point really and you need to find someone who does.

[journeynow]

ok so why has he just ignored my calls and given me no closure?

 

Because he is NOT the man for you. That is the information you take from this.

 

And if you read through the posts on ENA, not just this thread, you'll understand that people don't get closure from other people. They'd love to get closure from others, but it's rare, very rare, and it's a nebulous thing to get from someone else. The closure you need is the story you tell yourself, the interpretation of the situation HERE and NOW that releases you from expectation and useless hope and helps you move on, stronger and wiser. Why doesn't he do what you want him to do? Because, that is not who he is.

[aussielis]

but why doesnt want to commit when he told me he did? is it cos we fought, or he has too much baggage?

[Batya33]

but why doesnt want to commit when he told me he did? is it cos we fought, or he has too much baggage?

 

He doesn't want to commit to you because he is a married man in a custody battle/divorce related battle right now. So he cannot commit because he is married and because he is not available otherwise for a serious relationship. He doesn't have "too much baggage" -he has a wife and family -that is not baggage, that is a wife and family. If in the future he is single then he might be available to date but given your choices to get physically violent with each other I do not think you should date him.

 

When he said those words he probably meant them and then realized he could not commit to you. People make mistakes when they are in vulnerable situations just like you made a mistake when you got physically violent with him.

[aussielis]

He doesn't want to commit to you because he is a married man in a custody battle/divorce related battle right now. So he cannot commit because he is married and because he is not available otherwise for a serious relationship. He doesn't have "too much baggage" -he has a wife and family -that is not baggage, that is a wife and family. If in the future he is single then he might be available to date but given your choices to get physically violent with each other I do not think you should date him.

 

When he said those words he probably meant them and then realized he could not commit to you. People make mistakes when they are in vulnerable situations just like you made a mistake when you got physically violent with him.

 

so he said those words cos he was in a vulnerable situation? his baggage is feral kids and wife who keeps harrasing

[Batya33]

so he said those words cos he was in a vulnerable situation? his baggage is feral kids and wife who keeps harrasing

 

Right -that is your perspective on it and your label of "baggage". Your posts show that you want to paint a picture of things that makes you out as the innocent victim of a man who betrayed you so you can have your pity party. You played with fire and you got burned. You had fun while it lasted, right? And, if you describe his kids as "feral" you have no business being involved in his life.

 

I do not know why he said those words. Perhaps he meant them when he said them but again a married man cannot date, let alone commit to another woman. Who cares why he said those words -his actions are inconsistent with wanting a committed relationship with you. And his marital status is inconsistent with being able to commit to you -so when he said those words you of course should have realized that even if he was sincere he was not single.

[abitbroken]

but why doesnt want to commit when he told me he did? is it cos we fought, or he has too much baggage?

 

he TELLS you he wants to commit because TELLING you he wants to commit keeps you around. And he likes the sex. But don't you see he CANNOT commit to you...he is MARRIED. That piece of paper and that ring says so. If he told you he can't commit or won't commit - he will lose the ability to have sex with you.

 

So - let's see here.

 

If a friend came to you and told you that she really this guy she met, but he is married with kids, has punched her in the face and owes her money and blames her for his moods, but she is all starry eyed because he says he will commit to her...what would you tell her?? Would you tell her "great, I am glad you are happy" ???? Be HONEST and answer that.

 

Are you that desperate for attention??

 

There are tons of NICE guys out there that would never dream of striking a woman, and are SINGLE - either never married with no children, or wife passed away, etc. in your age group who are family minded. You do not need to settle for this jerk. But you need to love yourself enough to walk away and get to the point where you feel you are worth it enough and you deserve NOTHING less than respect.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, you need to get your feet back on the ground and grounded in reality. The 'feral' kids are never going to be out of his life. And the crazy ex will always be the mother of his children and connected to him by them. You can't wish them away, and they will be involved with him for the rest of his life. And if they are truly screwed up, most likely he will be sending them money or letting them live with him on and off for the rest of his life.

 

So he can't/won't commit to you because he is more committed to this situation with his wife and kids. Even if the did finalize the divorce, it would not change any of the problems at all with the ex and kids.

 

So the short answer is you'll never ever have him all to yourself in a normal family life situation. They'll always be there and enmeshed with him, and he may prefer to NOT commit to you because he doesn't want to set up another family situation that might turn out as badly as his first family did. He just doesn't want the hassle.

 

So let him go. So find someone who doesn't have all these issues in his life, someone who is single and available and not enmeshed in a crazy life with his ex and kids from another marriage.

[lavenderdove]

btw, one other piece of advice... a man who had a horrible first marriage and lots of trouble with his kids isn't going to be interested in leaping into a new marriage and a new set of kids. He's got a really bad taste in his mouth, and more than enough trouble on his plate. So he may want a series of GFs to keep him company, but when they get serious or expect him to move into a new marriage and family situation with commitment, he will run rather than do it and just trade you in for a new GF.

 

It's a 'don't throw me back into another briar patch' situation. He's been there, done that, and doesn't want another disaster on his hands. So he'll try to keep it light and uncommitted, regardless of what he promised in the beginning. When it comes right down to the wire on commitment, he'll balk rather than do anything he considers might double his trouble and double his load dealing with the first family (ex-wife/kids) and a new wife and kids that he thinks might end just as badly or break him under the financial and emotional pressure to balance two different families/sets of kids.

 

He knows very well that your demand for him to get a divorce means that you are ratcheting up the expectations for commitment and for him to be free to marry you. Which he most likely doesn't want to do given his currently difficulties with his ex-wife and messed up kids who need most of his attention and money now. So having trouble dealing with his old family situation means he has no desire to dive into a new one with you.

[aussielis]

good advice thanks, so how do i pull myself out of this horrible depression?

[aussielis]

do you think it was too after 9 months to ask about our future?