Dating a man with baggage is this too much to put up with?

[aussielis]

This is like saying you didn't behave properly when you walked into a propeller blade.

 

No matter how you slice this, it's not about you. You could be a perfect human being, but it won't change the fact that you're messing with someone else's family while it's unraveling and you don't belong in that situation.

 

It's not necessary to find a villain--there are none. It's just bad timing and the wrong place to be. Period.

 

y is he putting the blame on me though? he say's its cos of our fighting and he has given me so many chances? i have started a few fights with him all cos of his baggage

[Batya33]

no he doesnt he isnt like that

 

You have no idea what he is like in a true relationship because he is not available for a relationship right now.

[catfeeder]

y is he putting the blame on me though? he say's its cos of our fighting and he has given me so many chances? i have started a few fights with him all cos of his baggage

 

Because you've stepped into the middle of his chaos, which makes you a convenient target to throw some of his anger onto.

 

Get clear: you are involving yourself where you don't belong. The consequences of that will always be drama and pain and exhaustion. It doesn't matter what shape or form that drama and pain and exhaustion takes at any given time--it will just always be there until you walk away to spare yourself.

 

So walk away and spare yourself. You're making your world so small you can't see the potential of a whole new life you could be living if you'll just step out of this mess and grieve and heal.

 

Let it go. Start taking baby steps to heal yourself. Your vision will start to expand, and you'll be able to look back on this and 'see' all the answers you don't recognize right now.

[aussielis]

we were meant to go away this weekend on a flight he cancelled due to his dad having cancer haven't heard a word and he owes me money for the flight

[Batya33]

What I would do is send him an email that is very short and very simple and only focused on the money. Perhaps one sentence "I am so sorry your dad is not feeling well. I know you're busy taking care of your dad but please send me back the money for the tickets. Thank you and take care."

[aussielis]

What I would do is send him an email that is very short and very simple and only focused on the money. Perhaps one sentence "I am so sorry your dad is not feeling well. I know you're busy taking care of your dad but please send me back the money for the tickets. Thank you and take care."

 

maybe is should have not been so reactive and fought with him so much this probably made it worse? i feel so regretful

[catfeeder]

maybe is should have not been so reactive and fought with him so much this probably made it worse? i feel so regretful

 

You couldn't make this worse, it was already a train wreck. You can marinate in all the wrong stuff for as long as you want, but the bottom line is that this was the worst possible scenario to have entered in the first place. Whatever mess played out is irrelevant, because there isn't anything ANYone could have done to make it less of a mess.

 

Now you get to choose whether you want to own the resiliency to bounce back and recover or damage yourself.

 

It's a decision.

[abitbroken]

thanks guys, im just going through a bit of shock right now i suppose and guilt, guilt cos i think maybe i wasn't supporting enough of his problems and instead i pressured him. he always always saying in our fights, its either you or her having a go at me. last weekend i didnt speak to him all day when we were away we both did our thing then we fought that night maybe i was too hard on him? if only i hadnt of done this.

 

No, its not because you are not supportive of him. This has nothing to do with how you act or don't act. It is HIM. He likes drama. He likes to make you believe all his bad personality traits and behavior is not really "him" - its because of his ex wife. You are not too hard on him. You are not hard ENOUGH because You have to be willing to be prepared to leave him. That is the bottom line. You are just taking his bs and letting him bs you. Please for your own good walk away. Trust me, if you continue your health will also start to suffer.

[abitbroken]

y is he putting the blame on me though? he say's its cos of our fighting and he has given me so many chances? i have started a few fights with him all cos of his baggage

 

Because he is a big jerk that takes no responsibility for his life and actions. He needs someone else to blame instead of himself. THat's abusive actually for someone to constantly try to make the other party believe that everything is their fault, that speaking up for themselves is very wrong, that your opinion not only doesn't matter, but is invalid and doesn't deserve consideration because he is right because he is him. My ex used to tell me "how many chances can i give you?" when i didn't do everything in the exact manner he wanted me to at all times. He is making you think YOU are crazy and that YOU are doing everything wrong when the bottom line is that he is a married man, he thrives on drama and how perfect to stir the pot by openly having a mistress, and is just not an honorable man.

 

If you stay, you might become a little quiet church mouse that doesn't say boo to anyone, starts doubting the very things about yourself which make you you and your own sanity and whose health suffers. Believe me ...LEAVE

[aussielis]

i actually pushed him physically twice in two fights last time he punched me, he told me he has never fought with any of his x's including her even though it was bad.

[Batya33]

i actually pushed him physically twice in two fights last time he punched me, he told me he has never fought with any of his x's including her even though it was bad.

 

She's not his ex, she is his wife.

If things got physical at all then you both need to stay away from each other - do that before one of you has to get a restraining order.

[abitbroken]

i actually pushed him physically twice in two fights last time he punched me, he told me he has never fought with any of his x's including her even though it was bad.

 

He punched you and you are sticking around??? cut all contact right now.

 

Who cares what he says. He could be lying. He could have physically abused every woman he has been with. The guy shows no remorse - only excuses that "he has never hit anyone before" and excuses about how he can't divorce, etc. Do yourself a favor and leave before you end up six feet under. Seriously. One blow is all it will take. I can't believe why there is a question in your mind at this point. THe longer you are away from him, the more sense leaving will have made.

[aussielis]

He punched you and you are sticking around??? cut all contact right now.

 

Who cares what he says. He could be lying. He could have physically abused every woman he has been with. The guy shows no remorse - only excuses that "he has never hit anyone before" and excuses about how he can't divorce, etc. Do yourself a favor and leave before you end up six feet under. Seriously. One blow is all it will take. I can't believe why there is a question in your mind at this point. THe longer you are away from him, the more sense leaving will have made.

 

it was only a tap and i pushed him first

[aussielis]

i feel like the violent one

[Batya33]

it was only a tap and i pushed him first

 

With everything else going on if you're also getting physical then move on and move on fast. I am sure if it was just a tap and a gentle push he wouldn't have said what he did

"he punched me, he told me he has never fought with any of his x's including her even though it was bad."

 

Please don't stoop to changing what you wrote to justify continuing to date this married man.

[aussielis]

With everything else going on if you're also getting physical then move on and move on fast. I am sure if it was just a tap and a gentle push he wouldn't have said what he did

"he punched me, he told me he has never fought with any of his x's including her even though it was bad."

 

Please don't stoop to changing what you wrote to justify continuing to date this married man.

 

how did i change what i wrote?

[Batya33]

how did i change what i wrote?

 

Punching is not "just a tap" - you're trying to downplay the physical violence and backpedal from what you wrote. Do you really think so little of yourself that you need to chase a married man who punches you?

[abitbroken]

it was only a tap and i pushed him first

 

All of this crazy is making you think YOU are crazy. If he punches you after a "tap", what would happen if you meant to hit him hard? You would be dead or in the hospital with a broken face. Do you honestly think its OKAY??? You can file a police report, you know

 

we were meant to go away this weekend on a flight he cancelled due to his dad having cancer haven't heard a word and he owes me money for the flight

 

Then change YOUR ticket to go somewhere else on your own and because its on your credit card, see if his ticket is transferrrable to another party and transfer it to your name for another trip. Unless you book tickets where you cannot change them even for a change fee. I would just not bother him about it. Take it as a lesson and a loss and be thankful you have not heard from him. Now that he is seeing his dad with cancer - block his number and disappear from his life. If he comes to your house, call the cops. If he comes to work, call security. If he gets through to you - tell him its over.

[aussielis]

thing is i had to call him last tuesday a week ago to even follow up to see if he was even coming, i dont think i should have had to of done that. he kept saying on the phone you you keep arguing with me and you've promised you wont do this again but you keep doing it i have been a bit aggressive in our fights but only cos im not happy. one of our big arguments was about him getting a divorce he said he hadnt even thought about it but said he would have to do it wouldnt he! i feel so bad for starting fights i really wasn't that weekend when he had so much stuff going on with his dad etc. i tried to say in that final phone call that i would stay out of his family stuff he said he didnt know, he was meant to come over that night and didnt even show up. haven't heard from him now for 8 days. i think its weird.

[Batya33]

" i have been a bit aggressive in our fights but only cos im not happy"

 

You can feel unhappy and choose to react in a non-aggressive way. You can, for example, walk away, take deep breaths, count to ten, say, like a good actress "I am feeling very angry right now", etc. You are responsible for how you react. If you choose to react by being aggressive you might get an aggressive reaction back and/or a restraining order.

 

Assume if you have not heard from him in 8 days that it is not weird. It is completely consistent with someone who does not want to be in touch with you for whatever reason. And given the physical aggression it is absolutely for the best. Let him be with his wife and family and make his own choices and live his own life.

[aussielis]

another thing he used to do was every time we had a huge fight he would ignore me for days, even after the first time he promised me he wouldnt do this anymore. after a huge fight with his son, he came over and said i will never ignore you again you are now my priority not them, then what does he do after a fight, disappears. is this normal?

[catfeeder]

is this normal?

 

Of course not. There is nothing about this that is normal.

[Batya33]

It's not normal but again this is not a romantic relationship. Married men can't have relationships or date. You are someone he hangs out and has sex with on the side so in that context, no it is still not normal to disappear but at least in the context of an affair it is "more normal" only to come hang out when the person feels like having sex. It's also not normal to resort to physical violence.

[aussielis]

so its been nearly 9 days since we have spoken on the phone, i am not moving on from this i keep repeating our last argument in my head over and over, i should never have given him the silent treatment that day when we went away i think i was doing it to prove a point about the x messaging me and i knew we had a trip booked the following weekend which i didnt think he would cancel and it was my last chance of getting him to come around. maybe i have a bad way of communicating. i feel its all my fault if only i have of just talked to him that night in the car when he asked me what was wrong.

[aussielis]

so its been nearly 9 days since we have spoken on the phone, i am not moving on from this i keep repeating our last argument in my head over and over, i should never have given him the silent treatment that day when we went away i think i was doing it to prove a point about the x messaging me and i knew we had a trip booked the following weekend which i didnt think he would cancel and it was my last chance of getting him to come around. maybe i have a bad way of communicating. i feel its all my fault if only i have of just talked to him that night in the car when he asked me what was wrong.

 

so its been nearly 9 days since contact yesterday i called him he didnt answer i left a vm to say just seeing how you are and how your dad is. nothing i cannot believe he is treating me like this, like he thinks im a pshycho or hates me, so upset