Dating a man with baggage is this too much to put up with?

[aussielis]

He wins as long as you carry around all that negativity and hostility. Let it go.

of course i have negativity, i was dumped like a hot potato after putting up with crap and supporting him through all his feral family crap.

im getting help which is a start. im a lot better than i was

[Batya33]

of course i have negativity, i was dumped like a hot potato after putting up with crap and supporting him through all his feral family crap.

im getting help which is a start. im a lot better than i was

 

No it's not an of course. Of course what happened was negative but you can choose how to react especially at this point months later. Glad you are getting help.

 

And of course for the future good to remember it takes two -you stuck around despite his lack of character and integrity - and the fact that he was still married and was therefore not available to date anyone.

[aussielis]

No it's not an of course. Of course what happened was negative but you can choose how to react especially at this point months later. Glad you are getting help.

 

And of course for the future good to remember it takes two -you stuck around despite his lack of character and integrity - and the fact that he was still married and was therefore not available to date anyone.

 

yes i am working on that, on why I stayed when really I should have walked away that day on the beach.

i think most ppl would react the way i did although i am very sensitive.

i think its normal to be a bit negative.

[aussielis]

hey chickadee why do you think he didnt want to commit again? and y not even apologise or respond to me when i sent him photo's of the kids abuse? most ppl would be ashamed. i spoke to my 17 yr old niece who was the same age as his son. she said she had never heard of any kids her age acting like that. im still friends with his brothers girlfriend on fb (the only connection), she told me to get out now ive never heard from her again which is sad.

[Batya33]

yes i am working on that, on why I stayed when really I should have walked away that day on the beach.

i think most ppl would react the way i did although i am very sensitive.

i think its normal to be a bit negative.

 

I think it's normal to put negativity in perspective after having a pity party. I would not have reacted the way you did because I wouldn't have dated a married man and expected him to commit to me. So I would have avoided train wreck situations like these so that I could avoid getting cynical or jaded. Perhaps you will make a different choice next time you meet a married (or separated-still married) man.

[chickadeedee]

>>why do you think he didnt want to be married again, he told me he would consider getting married.

 

Because if i recall you were together for quite a while and he never took it more serious? If you're both adults and as old as you are, he should know after a couple years whether he wants to be your husband or not, and if he doesn't propose, it is because he doesn't want to marry. So perhaps he would have proposed, but honestly I doubt it considering how enmeshed he was with his dysfunctional family. His kids appear to be a total mess, and his attention would be on that family rather than creating a new one with you.

 

And he's not going to acknowledge his son's attack on you because you could use that acknowledgment as evidence for pressing an assault charge against his son with him as the witness. So he will keep quiet and swear it never happened or downplay it and not have his kid end up in jail.

[aussielis]

>>why do you think he didnt want to be married again, he told me he would consider getting married.

 

Because if i recall you were together for quite a while and he never took it more serious? If you're both adults and as old as you are, he should know after a couple years whether he wants to be your husband or not, and if he doesn't propose, it is because he doesn't want to marry. So perhaps he would have proposed, but honestly I doubt it considering how enmeshed he was with his dysfunctional family. His kids appear to be a total mess, and his attention would be on that family rather than creating a new one with you.

 

good point about him acknowledging the kids attack (wasn't assault but just harassment accusations on social media, the dad and the son are the one's that assaulted each other) on me, never thought of it that way however i think my x was a little too dumb to even think that way lol he wasn't the smartest cookie. funny he didnt mind throwing out the accusations about his car but when i asked him to meet me at the police station with his son to discus his accusations and his childs harassment, no reply.

 

btw we were only together 9 months not a few years, but we are both in our 40's do you think it was too soon of me to expect a commitment? i.e. move in together the following year? i asked if he had that in mind for the future as i wanted to see where this was going. i also want a child due to my age he kept saying yes and no but used that also as an excuse towards the end of our breakup.

also, 3 days after we had our fight and he didnt show up that night, when he was saying we fight too much and was ending it, he claims that night he was called into the local police station as the cops wanted to get a restraining order on his on against him? apparently the school found out about the assault at his x's home and reported it to the police, i am not sure how the school found out, does this sound right?

[aussielis]

I think it's normal to put negativity in perspective after having a pity party. I would not have reacted the way you did because I wouldn't have dated a married man and expected him to commit to me. So I would have avoided train wreck situations like these so that I could avoid getting cynical or jaded. Perhaps you will make a different choice next time you meet a married (or separated-still married) man.

 

After a breakup its normal to feel negative and betrayed feelings are still very raw, it takes time and a long time after the feelings have died to stop feeling so jaded and angry.

[Batya33]

After a breakup its normal to feel negative and betrayed feelings are still very raw, it takes time and a long time after the feelings have died to stop feeling so jaded and angry.

 

I don't agree. While you are getting over a break up you can choose not to react to feelings of generally feeling cynical and angry - you have the feelings but you take actions not to let those feelings overtake you. What actions are you taking? Dwelling on what happened is choosing to let the feelings overtake you. Not counting your blessings here is a choice to continue letting those feelings overtake you.

 

And since you played with fire by dating a married man then you have to remind yourself that you chose a very risky situation and therefore you have to accept the inevitable downsides of those choice.

 

Your feelings for him do not have to die for you to move on. All that has to happen is that you have to choose positive actions whether that is yoga, exercise, talking to friends about anything except about him, whatever works for you. You're acting as if all this is some passive situation you can do nothing about -that's the easy way out. Take the challenging way out and show yourself that you can feel what you feel AND not react in a jaded, cynical or angry way.

[chickadeedee]

>>we were only together 9 months not a few years, but we are both in our 40's do you think it was too soon of me to expect a commitment? i.e. move in together the following year? i asked if he had that in mind for the future as i wanted to see where this was going.

 

I think if you are in your 40s it is perfectly reasonable to have 'what are your goals and where do you think this relationship is going' conversations, starting around 6 months or so. Doesn't mean you have to get engaged at that point, but you do need to make sure you have similar goals in mind and are on the same page rather than wasting your time with someone whose goals are not similar to yours.

 

Reading all your posts, i think what this guy really wanted was an easy going GF who was available when he wanted her, but who made no demands on him at all because he was still so enmeshed with his wife and former family. So he had nothing left over for you, and really his goals and yours were very different, which obviously caused a lot of conflict. If you keep having fights and neither person changes their position, then clearly you've run up against differences in goals and priorities that can't be bridged, so you're not a good match.

 

And really, his life with his ex/kids sounds like a total mess. That wasn't goiong to go away, so you need to focus on the fact that he just wasn't really available to you because he was still enmeshed in a crazy family situation, and his dating goals were different than yours. You were fully available and wanted a real and exclusive relationship, and he was still deeply involved in a messed up family, in no hurry to couple up with anybody else.

[Batya33]

"I think if you are in your 40s it is perfectly reasonable to have 'what are your goals and where do you think this relationship is going' conversations, starting around 6 months or so. Doesn't mean you have to get engaged at that point, but you do need to make sure you have similar goals in mind and are on the same page rather than wasting your time with someone whose goals are not similar to yours."

 

I think the conversation should generally be held within the first few dates and more specifically at 6 months but this is all irrelevant here because she was dating someone who was still married. Married men cannot date and of course can't get engaged so any such conversation would have been purely hypothetical.

[aussielis]

>>we were only together 9 months not a few years, but we are both in our 40's do you think it was too soon of me to expect a commitment? i.e. move in together the following year? i asked if he had that in mind for the future as i wanted to see where this was going.

 

I think if you are in your 40s it is perfectly reasonable to have 'what are your goals and where do you think this relationship is going' conversations, starting around 6 months or so. Doesn't mean you have to get engaged at that point, but you do need to make sure you have similar goals in mind and are on the same page rather than wasting your time with someone whose goals are not similar to yours.

 

thanks chickadee, i am not sure then why he got involved with someone else in the first place then? do you think i had a right to get upset over all these situations, i.e. the x hassling etc. he lived at a beachside town where he used to share a house with her, she moved to the city after they split, but most weekends i went to his place she was staying at a friends down the road. he used to say i dont know why she keep coming up here, she never wanted to be here before, he used to have anxiety when she was down the road. i dont think now that we have broken up she even goes there anymore, her job was done.

all of them except him were calling me a psychopath, even his brothers girlfriend whom i was close too doesnt contact me anymore(she did at the end to see if i was ok). im so sensitive maybe he made them think that as towards the end i was so on edge and we did have big arguments towards the end.

i still can't work out when you say you were really love someone and will do so forever how you can never ever speak again. even returning my things took nearly 3 months.

[aussielis]

hi guys, well its been 8 months since our split, i have been getting counselling but still very depressed. i dont get why? 2 days ago i saw a message on social media from a woman to him i actually think he met someone else only 2 months after we broke up. i dont get why, when his wife caused so much trouble for us and he said she will never let me be with anyone. i thought the reason we split was so he could fix his mess of a family. but he has moved on only a few months later. i feel like this is all my fault, one for fighting and two cos i wanted a baby, if i hadnt of said or done these things maybe we would still be together.

[Iggles]

If you want to have a kid, you don't need this loser. You could use a sperm donor to try for single parenthood. Or you can adopt or foster a child.

[aussielis]

If you want to have a kid, you don't need this loser. You could use a sperm donor to try for single parenthood. Or you can adopt or foster a child.

hi iggles, don't worry as soon as we split, i did 2 sessions of ivf, they both failed. i am going to attempt again.

i just cant believe he moved on so quickly when i thought the reason we split was because he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend and all the crap going on in his life i.e. he needed to sort his kids out etc.