Dating a man with baggage is this too much to put up with?

[Batya33]

I don't think it's too soon to ask about someone's intentions after 9 months together if the other person is single and available to date. I don't think there's ever an appropriate time to ask a married man (especially one going through a divorce) about the "future" because that question was answered (no future) when you got involved with a married man.

 

I am sorry you're feeling depressed. Try to count your blessings -that you didn't spend more time in this affair and that you are not in any serious physical or legal trouble.

[Livingreal]

Even if he does eventually get a divorce and makes a commitment to you, his ex wife and family issues will still be part of your life. His wife gave you insight to how he is in a relationship when she told you he is a liar and a cheat. You witnessed her hitting him, in all probability he hits her, too. Hitting you is unforgivable. When you are upset with him, he deflects all responsibility onto you and/or his family. I am sorry, but is this the life you really want because you love him, you enjoy his company and he makes you feel special?

 

It's hard to walk away from someone you love, but I really think you owe it to yourself to wish him well and cut all contact.

[aussielis]

Even if he does eventually get a divorce and makes a commitment to you, his ex wife and family issues will still be part of your life. His wife gave you insight to how he is in a relationship when she told you he is a liar and a cheat. You witnessed her hitting him, in all probability he hits her, too. Hitting you is unforgivable. When you are upset with him, he deflects all responsibility onto you and/or his family. I am sorry, but is this the life you really want because you love him, you enjoy his company and he makes you feel special?

 

It's hard to walk away from someone you love, but I really think you owe it to yourself to wish him well and cut all contact.

 

yeah but maybe i wasnt support enough?

[aussielis]

gave him too much pressures?

[Livingreal]

Sweetheart, I think you could turn yourself inside out for this guy with the same result. It seems very much about him. Where are you in this relationship? When you communicate your issues/needs he ignores you for days and you feel like it is always you that has to make contact with an apology.

 

What specifically are you apologizing for? It’s one thing to apologize for bad behavior, but if you are apologizing for expressing your concerns or needs, you are handing him your power.

 

You mentioned giving him the silent treatment on two different occasions, why are you uncomfortable expressing how you are feeling to him? If you need comfort or reassurance, it is ok to ask for it.

 

The biggest dealbreaker is him punching you. It doesn’t matter how charming and lovely he is when everything is going his way because when it’s not he might hit you again. There is something broken in him and you cannot excuse, ignore it or fix it. I am sorry.

[lavenderdove]

>>yeah but maybe i wasnt support enough?

 

Look, it is not your job as GF to emotionally 'support' someone else's husband. That is your problem. You were acting like a loyal wife and partner when he already had a wife and wasn't available to really be your partner because of that. As long as a person is enmeshed in a marriage to someone else, they are just not emotionally, legally, financially available. They may PRESENT themselves to you as that because they are lonely or want someone else to bang because they are in a toxic relationship with their wife, but as long as she IS his wife, he needs to get his act together and divorce himself rather than sucking you into an 'other woman' scenario where you play second fiddle to his dealings with his wife and family.

 

So what did he expect you to be supportive of? The games he played with his wife? His wife intruding in your life and him not calling her out on it and stopping it? His not actually pushing forward to get divorced? All unrealistic expectations on his part.

 

So if you are depressed, your task now is to really see this situation for what it was. You were an 'other woman' or spice on the side who got triangulated in his troubled marriage and family. There was never a chance for a 'happy ending' here for you because he is still ridiculously enmeshed with his wife and wasn't actually divorcing her. There was all kinds of drama between him and his wife that he encouraged and refused to take action for to actually finish the divorce. So he didn't really want to be available to you or he would have done that. He wanted someone else to play with and torture his wife with in these games they were playing with each other.

 

So, recognize that this is not a case of if only you'd been a 'better' other woman it would have miraculously worked out. It wouldn't. He was not divorced and truly available because he didn't want to be. If he did, he just had to file for divorce and go thru with it rather than continuing on the path he did. So you need to recognize that you dodged a bullet because did you really expect to be happy shackled for the rest of your life to his aggressive wife and their troubled children? It never would have been a happy situation for you because those kids never go away, and the connection to their mother never goes away either due to her being the mother of his children.

 

So dust yourself off. Recognize that this man was not a good choice for you at all. And next time don't date any man who is still married, until after the divorce is final and you are sure he is both legally and emotionally available. And do not choose a man with such a chaotic and drama filled life with his kids and ex. It takes two to make all that drama and conflict, and he was very much right in the middle of that, so you don't want a man who participates in that or has that kind of family life that will be yours whether you like it or not if you get sucked into it.

 

So don't live in the fantasy of 'what might have been.' What was was a huge chaotic mess with a married man with a screwed up family and children. And that was not going to change because of who he was and who they are. So you have to adjust your expectation there and let go of a toxic situation to go find a NORMAL and single man without all that craziness and baggage

[aussielis]

You mentioned giving him the silent treatment on two different occasions, why are you uncomfortable expressing how you are feeling to him? If you need comfort or reassurance, it is ok to ask for it.

are you saying i shouldnt have given him the silent treatment?

[Livingreal]

I think there are more effective ways of communicating what you are feeling than using the silent treatment. I've used the silent treatment, so in no way was I jumping on you. When I've used it, I didn't understand that there are better ways of communicating.

 

Sure it tells the other person you are upset about something, but it doesn't address the actual issue. There was also a part of me that felt afraid of telling the other person what I actually wanted. This is why I told you it is ok to ask for what it is you really want. You said you wanted comfort. Instead of sulking you could have said, you were feeling sad (defeated or what it was you were feeling) witnessing his brother and girlfriend argue over similar issues and then said what you needed from him at that time or discuss a solution to resolve the actual issue.

 

Sulking is a lost opportunity to really communicate.

 

I don't think you using the silent treatment was the cause of your relationship failing.

[aussielis]

ok thanks you give good calm advice that makes sense. we did make up after the silent treatment but later something triggered me off i started crying and went to bed, he came in and i just said its over and he left and slept on the couch, this is when i went down to have it out with him and it all went pear shaped. do you think this was the reason he ended it? i keep blaming this for the end.

[Livingreal]

I’m getting the impression you are looking for a reason to blame yourself. If you can blame yourself, then you have something to fix and the relationship can be fixed. I’ve been there.

 

Let’s say you fix a few things about yourself and became his perfect partner, the relationship would still not work because you both want different things. You are looking for a loving commitment, a future and a family. His life is in a mess and he is not in a position to commit to a future with you. Most importantly, he has shown you he is a man that will hit you.

 

You have been his soft spot, but now when you are ready to take the relationship to the next level, he is not. Until he can let go of his baggage and has fixed why he can hit a woman, he will never be ready and worthy of you. He really does have too much baggage and you have too much to sacrifice by trying to make it work. I am sorry.

 

As hard as it is, accept that the relationship is over. Learn what you can from this relationship, improve your communication skills and move on to a happier life.

 

P.S. Explore and heal the part of you that accepts being in a relationship with a man that would punch you.

[aussielis]

thanks livingreal but are you saying my communication skills destroyed us? and yes i am trying to take the blame for this

[Livingreal]

No I'm not saying your communication skills destroyed the relationship. Fundamentally you both want different things and I feel very strongly you are worthy of a man that will not hit you. He wants a refuge from his life with no strings and you want something else, right?

[lavenderdove]

>>do you think this was the reason he ended it? i keep blaming this for the end.

 

You keep trying to blame yourself because you think if it is your fault then you are in control and can fix this.

 

What you are neglecting to acknowledge is that he is a married man in the midst of a very volatile separation with severely troubled kids who are in crisis. And he clearly told you his kids come first, and his focus is on dealing with his issues his wife and kids and not on you. And he hadn't even filed for divorce. So i think he just recognized that his true allegiance is to his family and straightening out his marriage and kids and not to you, and he had no energy/real desire to work on a new relationship while still enmeshed in an old one.

 

He wanted light and easy and fun and no commitment. You wanted something different and he knew it. So it ended due to his own recognition that his priorities were dealing with his wife and kids and not you. So that is about him and not you, and you can't fix that.

 

Your best bet here is not dwelling on all the 'what might have been's' because it takes 2 people to make a relationship and you couldn't control him or his family situation or his choice to side with them rather than focus on building a relationship with you. So if you do care about him you need to let him go and let him go deal with his really troubled kids who are acting out and a total mess. He's not going to be interested in romance when his kids are falling apart, and the timing was all wrong.

 

So if you want to blame anything, you need to blame the fact that he was married, not really free, and still enmeshed with his wife with a couple of screwed up kids who really need him to focus on them rather than on a GF or another future wife. The timing was all wrong. And a lot of whether a relationship can work out is based on both timing and whether you have similar goals. His goals were to deal with his wife and kids, and your goals were to get him to leave that trouble behind and start a new family with you. Those goals are not compatible, so it ended.

 

You wanted a serious relationship leading to commitment, and he was still committed to dealing with his former family. He might have wanted 'fun' and sex, but not the commitment. So ultimately it falls apart because your goals are different and he is coming out of a 20 year marriage with troubled teenaged kids that he needs to focus on rather than focusing on you or your needs. So he made a choice, and it was his former family and not you. I know that hurts, but it is what happened and you need to just accept that perhaps his kids were at crisis point and really needed him, so it just wasn't going to work out because of the timing.

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you want to try to turn this around, the only thing you could do is apologize for trying to create drama over how little attention he paid to you when his kids are so troubled and need his attention and his father is dying. You were wanting him to focus on you and your relationship when he was maxed out emotionally dealing with his family and father.

 

But that won't remove the fact that he is still married, and will always be yoked to his ex-wife via the kids, and the kids are obviously seriously troubled in a way that is not going to easily go away. So unless you are willing to totally back off and accept that his attention is going to be mostly on dealing with them and their issues for a long, long time, you're wasting your time trying to get back with him again, because he WILL choose them over you as he has already done now. So you will be down low on his priority list, and it sounds like you just were not happy with that, so it is best to let this go and find a man who is more available and in a less problematic situation than this one.

[aussielis]

straightening out his marriage?

[lavenderdove]

He could be deciding to straighten out his marriage, or he could be just trying to straighten out the situation where there is conflict with his ex and his kids are in crisis.

 

You did say that he has periods where he 'goes unavailable' and doesn't answer his phone or respond to you, and his wife knows you are the one who is calling, and she has said he is with her during those periods. So there is always a chance that they have one of those on/off marriages where they go thru periods where they reconcile, then have a blow up and part again. So there is always a chance that he is trying to get back with her, but they are a volatile enough couple that they make up/break up all the time. And he was with you AND her at the same time.

 

You can't be sure because they are not actually divorced, and she is clearly still very enmeshed in his life. Only they know their intentions. Some couples play this game throughout their whole lives, periodicially triangulating other men/other women into the game, but in the end they don't actually divorce. They're never quite together, but never quite apart either.

[aussielis]

but was that wrong of me to expect that?

[Iggles]

but was that wrong of me to expect that?

 

Why should you expect to come first when he has so much family drama??? (kids, ex-wife, dying father)

 

When dating a man with kids you will not come first (unless he is a crappy/deadbeat dad). Let alone, a MARRIED man! You can expect to take a higher priority when you marry a man with kids, but there will STILL be times when the needs of his children trumps yours.

 

In your specific situation, marriage is off the table for the foreseeable future because he is currently married to another woman.

[lavenderdove]

>>but was that wrong of me to expect that?

 

It is wrong of you to expect a man who is still married to his wife, fighting with her, and who has seriously troubled children to act like he is a single man who is carefree and available to act like you are the most important thing in the world for him. The reality is his life is a mess right now, and will stay a mess as long as he stays married and his children are screwed up.

 

An appropriate response to seeing someone whose life is in this condition is to NOT date him because he is not really free to focus on building a relationship with a partner. Until his Dad dies, his divorce is over, and his children are straightened out, he will have no real time or emotional energy to devote to building a relationship with a new woman. And if he doesn't stop the weird power struggling he does with his wife, he won't be available either.

 

His focus is elsewhere and there is no way a relationship with someone else can work while he is so enmeshed and dealing with big issues with his current family and until he is actually divorced. He hasn't even started the divorce yet, and sounds like he is in no hurry to do so, and may not even want to given the fact that he is dragging his feet and not pursuing it.

[aussielis]

hi there i have sent you a pm

[abitbroken]

Even if he was divorced, why would you want to be with a man whose ex is involved in every aspect of his life, has troubled children who need to go to counseling rather than him spending money on dating, who has PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED YOU AND YOU SHOULD CALL THE POLICE AND is emotionally abusive by convincing you that YOU are the one to blame?? Please walk away.

[aussielis]

Even if he was divorced, why would you want to be with a man whose ex is involved in every aspect of his life, has troubled children who need to go to counseling rather than him spending money on dating, who has PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED YOU AND YOU SHOULD CALL THE POLICE AND is emotionally abusive by convincing you that YOU are the one to blame?? Please walk away.

 

ok but was i to blame for also fighting?

[Batya33]

ok but was i to blame for also fighting?

 

I don't think it matters at this point. It's not about blame it's about your choice to use physical violence against another person. The take away from your choice is that you have to seriously consider whether you need some sort of counseling or help so you don't repeat that behavior again.

[aussielis]

im very depressed keep going over all the arguments and blaming myself

[Batya33]

im very depressed keep going over all the arguments and blaming myself

 

Then tell yourself you are allowed a 5 minute pity party per day and then move on to other things -return to living your life. Remind yourself that you had a good, fun time and that you took the risk by getting involved with a married man in the middle of a messy divorce. But, despite that, you managed to have a good time with him, right?