My work destroyed my life. I have never felt as suicidal as I'm feeling today.

[mesmerized]

Thanks Cat for these insights. I think part of the problem I'm having is that I'm really disappointed with my career path. I haven't had any personal development over the past 3 years and it has to change. Perhaps you're right, perhaps I'm not humble enough but it doesn't give me any pleasure to teach kids who dare to do things such as these:

 

2 days ago there was a meeting with a number of charity organizations here in Shanghai. One of them tries to reach out to poor kids living in villages all accross China and by the means of Internet they try to provide them with online English classes. To cut a long story short, one of those priviliged kids addressed that charity organization members with these words, more or less:

 

"I personally don't think those kids need your help. I don't think they need English anyway. They will never have access to the kind of education we, the priviliged, have access to. They will never have good teachers like we do. Don't try to force them into learning English because it won't help them in their careers anyway. Most of them will stay where they were born and they will never go abroad or even get a job in a city like this one."

 

I was absolutely otraged and almost told the kid off. ALMOST. My supervisor stopped me and said "We don't want conflicts here. His parents are present here and we don't want to upset them."

 

So yes, I hate those priviliged kids.

 

Anyway, I think this is the core of the issue that keeps bothering me so much: My problem is related to my job and my education. I'd like to ask one simple question. With my education, with my teaching experience - is it possible to move to a country like Canada for example? Or do I have to stop dreaming that I could ever move to an English-speaking country? In other words:

 

Should I simply abandon this fantasy of mine and accept the fact that I can't get into those countries? If my dream is unrealistic please tell me, rough as it might be. Or should I rather keep trying to find opportunities? I wish someone could offer me an answer to these questions. Would it be possible to get a teaching job there or not? If not, would retraining be helpful?

[catfeeder]

Your boss was right. Kids say stupid stuff. That reflects on them and their parents, not anyone else. As adults, it's our job to disallow ourselves from being provoked. Think about it: if you fight with a kid and win, you're a bully, and if you lose, you're an idiot--so why get sucked into the fight in the first place?

 

You're missing steps. No matter what your dreams are, steps are required to get there. If you are unable to access the information you need to take those steps from where you are, you can either stay in place and settle for a vacuum or you can move your location and generate new energy and try to get new information from that platform.

 

When nothing changes, nothing changes. It's a decision.

[mesmerized]

Your boss was right. Kids say stupid stuff. That reflects on them and their parents, not anyone else. As adults, it's our job to disallow ourselves from being provoked. Think about it: if you fight with a kid and win, you're a bully, and if you lose, you're an idiot--so why get sucked into the fight in the first place?

 

I see your point and I agree with the part about getting into a fight. You see the problem is that if it was only that, then I'd just mind my own business. Let me show you the big picture here. Everyone in the school (I mean, the management) is scared of losing the parents and their kids simply because of the fact that there's HUGE money at stake here. We're talking about people who are filthy rich and in their view education is a money-making machine, nothing less, nothing more. They would even find a justification and an explenation for one of the kid's opinion when he said during the presentation that Jews in Europe deserved to be wiped out simply because according to his "research" they didn't share bread with some starving Germans. Kids here live in this ivory tower and have NO idea what real life is like. So when one of those kids criticized the idea that one of the charity organizations came up with I was mad and disappointed that I'm part of this circus. For me, education is something that should be available for everyone, not just for the priviliged ones but let's that's another story. I really don't want to teach in China anymore but I need to save some money for the future. I'm not getting any pension plans or super annuations so I might end up on the streets if I don't save some cash now.

 

You're missing steps. No matter what your dreams are, steps are required to get there. If you are unable to access the information you need to take those steps from where you are, you can either stay in place and settle for a vacuum or you can move your location and generate new energy and try to get new information from that platform.

 

Thanks for pointing it out Cat, but what steps am I missing? I have access to the internet, I have done some research but I haven't been able to figure out the answers to my basic questions:

 

1) Is it doable to re-educate myself at my age and enroll on a full-time uni course? Time is flying and I'm not getting younger. I'm already 30 and at this point of my life I'm driven by extreme emotions and complete disillusionment. I realized I can't do this job much longer but I don't have an exit strategy. I'm in a cage without a door and I've started having this suicidal thoughts. It's not normal and it's not healthy to think and worry about the future so much.

 

2) Is it doable to emmigrate to another country and take up a job in the field of education there? I highly doubt it that anyone in the US or Canada or New Zealand would be interested in employing me despite my degrees and experience.

 

3) I can't be wasting my life like this by being here. I'm not developing in any way, on the contrary I'm just building this tension and disappointment every single day. I mean, is life supposed to be like this? Am I supposed to lose my mind and then my life? Constant anxiety has taken many lives.

 

I know what I need to make myself happy. Am I supposed to live hating my job till the end or till the moment I just pull the trigger? Am I destined to be stuck in this country? Is it achievable or not?

 

Now I don't even have a legal work permit but my "school" keeps saying "don't worry about it, we'll handle it" How am I supposed to be not worried? Any police man who asks me could deport me from this country within 24h knowing that my paperwork is not flawless. Previously at least I had my paperwork done properly and now... It's infuriating. I can't even find another school now because the semester has already started. I hate how the red tape works in this country. I hate all those shady schools but what am I supposed to do? I'm just very very sad about all of this and the dark future

 

Let me ask you again. Is moving to the US/Canada/New Zealand too big of a dream?

[Theniceone]

I have read a few of your threads. I am sorry you are going through this. I may be wrong but all I see is you expressing your frustrations but I have not seen any concrete steps you have taken to improve your situation. When I was going through a rough patch, working on a goal/objective helped me tremendeously. I knew my situation would not be changed overnight, but I knew it would be temporary. My determination and resilience made the difference.

 

You do not want to go back to your home country eventough if my memory is correct you own a home there, hence a place to stay until you get back on your feet. That's your ego talking...alright...

 

Now, you want to emmigrate to Canada or another English speaking country. Have you made any research in figuring out what you need to do for this to happen or are you relying solely on forums. It's your life. Take charge! I am from Canada, each state/province has it's own rules and socio-economic difference. Research which province would most likely need your set of skills or would provide help in settling down. Check out cost of living, elligibility for student aid...etc.

 

Know that getting a response to your application takes a while (years)... so what do you intend to do in the meantime? Don't you think going back home would make sense in this instance?

 

As far as finding a teaching position, again do your reasearch. Browse the inernet to see what is needed? I may be wrong but specific training is required here to be employed in a major college/university even elementary school here. But is is not necessarily the case for courses given in community colleges or trade schools.

 

So yes, you will have to acceot that you may have to further your education or train in another field. In the grand scheme of things what is 4-5 more years. You can always find another job part-time.

 

There is no age limit to go back to school or go after what you truly want. Start a plan and put it on paper. Maybe another field of work will give you more satisfaction, especially if you can improve your living conditions.

 

I do not know if your dream is unrealistic, but for sure if you do not take steps to start the process, then it will never happen.

[sentiententity]

First of all, maybe the right antidepressant would help you think more calmly about all this. If I had been recieving better treatment for depression/anxiety I may not have joined a cult, dropped out of college, and totally effed up my life.

 

It can suck to be surrounded by people more successful than you, I sure dont like being in those situations, but try to compare your life to those less fortunate.

 

And be thankful for your Chinese girlfriend. I bet she's really cute.

[Liraele]

Firstly, big hugs. You're not alone.

 

Secondly, the only time it's too late to make a change is when you're dead.

 

Until then, even if the steps seem microscopic...they are still steps. What can you do to set the first foot on the path that you want to be on? Take a look at the big picture: Where you want to be. From there, take a look at each pixel in the picture. Those are the steps to getting there, and surely there is something...even something tiny...that you can start doing to get you going in the direction you want to be going.

 

It's hard, especially when you're feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, when you're feeling defeated, stressed, and unhappy. It probably looks impossible. The stories we tell ourselves nearly always win, and that's an important thing to remember.

 

I know you can't just snap out of a depressed state. It's not that simple. There are things you can do to get out of your own way, though. Adjust your self-talk, if you can. If you can't make yourself believe that you can do what you want to do, at least try to be nice to yourself, small steps at a time. Find one thing you like about yourself. Remind yourself of it daily. Eventually that will become two or three or four or ten things. (Hopefully, if you stick with it.)

[mesmerized]

Thanks for the last 3 posts. I appreciate your inisghts.

 

Today I hit to low notes again while I was trying to figure out what to do. Whenever I start thinking, I always end up feeling even more depressed and going to sleep. It's crazy how this circle of hope and disappointment goes.

 

My work here is taking 95% of my time. I basically come home and fall asleep. No time to learn Chinese, no time to socialize, no time to do anything. I hardly find time to clean this little one-room apartment I'm renting.

 

1) I wanted to study Chinese as I but with my current workload it's simply impossible. I've been here for 3 years and my Chinese leaves a lot to be desired. I feel like a failure that after such a long time I still can't write or read Chinese. Yeah, I can communicate in some simple everyday life situations but even a monkey could do it after such a long time. This makes me so disappointed with myself. I've been looking for professional Chinese courses but all of them are offered in the morning or early afternoon. I could apply for a full-time Chinese course here at one of the universities but it's too late now. I'd have to do it next year, which leaves me with a feeling that another year will be wasted.

 

2) My job. I can't quit. If I do, I'll be left without any ways of saving some money for my future education. If I quit, I'll be forced to leave this country and by the time I find something else, I'll burn most of my savings most probably. The problem is that this job is literally making me cry. I've never hated anything more in my life than this job.

 

3) Then I came up with a natural conclusion - change my field of expertise, go back to school, retrain myself... And somehow I don't see that coming. I'm getting old. How could I possibly study full-time at the age of 32? And graduate at the age of 35? or 36? Not to mention the fact that what I'd love to study is not gonna get me any change of my career anyway. It's ridiculous. I feel that my chances are gone. Let's face it. I had my shot when I was young and I wasted it. I'm not even expecting to have a partner in the future. I observe how my friends have settled down and have fairly happy and stable family life. For some reason I lost my social skills. I can't even chat up a woman anymore. Even my body seems to be going down the hill. I don't have time for the gym or any outdoor activities.

 

None of my words describes my mental state accurately. Actually, I've tired meds before, loads of them. I've tried talking to a psychologist as well. None of those could actually substitute what I really need. A bit more satisfaction in my life, a bit of love, a bit of development and a bit of hope for the future. In fact, I don't see any future for myself. Simply put, I'd love to dump this body of mine somewhere where nobody could find it.

[mesmerized]

Sorry about some sentences being messed up. My brain was off after work.

[tiredofvampires]

Excuse the brevity of this response -- but don't you have a girlfriend? You mentioned earlier in the thread that you have a Chinese girlfriend who you told to leave you because you've become a very dark person. I'm not saying that a love partner fixes everything in life...but is that not social? Is that not love from someone? And it sounds like you're the one who pushed her away. You mentioned her so peripherally and now you're talking about not being able to attract women, not seeing yourself with someone in the future. Explain?

[mesmerized]

Excuse the brevity of this response -- but don't you have a girlfriend? You mentioned earlier in the thread that you have a Chinese girlfriend who you told to leave you because you've become a very dark person. I'm not saying that a love partner fixes everything in life...but is that not social? Is that not love from someone? And it sounds like you're the one who pushed her away. You mentioned her so peripherally and now you're talking about not being able to attract women, not seeing yourself with someone in the future. Explain?

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I cannot let her be dragged down by me and that's what has been happening. She'd been burning too much energy to cheer me up and it wasn't working at all. It'd be unfair to let her do that and give her false hopes. I don't even know if I'll be alive in a few months. Even though she cannot see it, I'm doing her a favor by slowly letting her go. I don't even know what I feel for her. The cultural differences beteen us are huge as well.

 

The problem is that I've already given up on my life. I've been trying to find out what kind of meds could do the job so that I could be 100% that I won't wake up and end up in some hospital being investigated by god knows who... Once I find it, I'll at least have a choice.

 

Let's be honest... There is no life without hope. There's nothing I could hold onto. There's nothing to keep me alive much longer. I'm just trying to save some money to compansate my parents for the loss they'll have to face.

 

What's the point of living a life like mine?

 

- I detest my job. I have had no personal development since I started working as a teacher.

- I don't see any way of changing it.

- I'm practically a useless human being. How can I possibly be dreaming of moving to a place like New Zealand or Canada if I have nothing to offer? They'll look at me as if I were a piece of street garbage.

- My basic social skills have been going down the hill. Even my English has deteriorated.

- If I can't make any of my dreams come true, then what's the point?

- I dislike the country I'm living in where I feel like smoking a packet of cigarettes every day because of the heavy air pollution.

- I have almost no social life and if there's something then I'm surrounded by engaged couples or married people who are way more successful than I am in every aspect of life.

 

I mean... let's be REALLY honest. Is this supposed to be life? Is it just survival? 5 days a week at work you hate and 2 days of staying at a tiny apartment where I can go from the bedroom to the kitchen and back? An apartment which isn't even mine? Doing shopping and watching movies or reading books just to escape reality for 40min?

 

What's the point of living like this? Not much has changed for the past 6 or 7 years. Everything just has been getting worse. What's the point of continuing this existence without any joy, without any purpose? Waiting for death when it comes naturally? Waiting for cancer? Waiting for something that will kill me? I'm already dead. Without hope there is no life. If I'm to live like this for the next 20 or 30 years, if I am to have a life of constant disappointment, then I'd rather end it as soon as possible.

[chitown9]

You are correct about needing a skill that is needed in the country that you wish to go to. In the United States there is a great need for medical personel. If you can pursue a nursing career, for example, that would be your ticket. The trouble is, it seems, is that you do not want to need to change your career. In a perfect world you would be able to translate your current background in teaching English as a way to move to an English speaking country. Would you consider retraining? chi

[mesmerized]

The trouble is, it seems, is that you do not want to need to change your career. In a perfect world you would be able to translate your current background in teaching English as a way to move to an English speaking country. Would you consider retraining? chi

 

Hello Chitown9. Thanks for dropping by.

 

Well, like I said before, I am considering retraining and I'd very much like to do that. Absolutely. I was just hoping that perhaps I could try pushing my teaching career further towards a PhD but... I don't know if it makes any sense actually. I also teach literature and US history. What scares me is that teaching in China made me so frustrated and so disillusioned about my teaching career that I'm uncertain if I could actually be doing it somewhere else. I mean, perhaps in a different country thing would be different?

 

I could go on and on about how bad things can get here. Today I was so stressed out about my current situation that I suddenly got chest pains during the class and had to stop because I couldn't go on. My empolyer is not helping at all because even though my visa and work permit expires in 9 days they don't seem to be doing anything to get me a new one. You can imagine how stressful it is. Accroding to the law, I have to leave this country by September 25th if I can't get a new visa. So I'm freaking out because I've paid for rental 3 months up-front and just because of someone's incompetency me and other teachers are under a lot of stress.

 

I wish I had someone to talk to about all this... I wish I could have a normal life, you know? Just a very ordinary life... I'm 30 years old and I feel my life is a disaster... For the past 2 or 3 years all I've been getting is grey hair. People keep telling me "You look like you've gone through a lot..." Is this what life should be like? No joy at all? Just an uphill struggle ending with ruined health? How I wish I could have somone to share this life with... Someone I could care about... How can I fight this feeling? Sometimes I think that I was predestined to end up in this dark, grim world of mine... Perhaps some people are not meant to survive?

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm 37 - I work full time, make sure my 16 year old son's needs are met, and take classes full time. I'm doing 12 credits a semester.

 

That's not meant to be bragging at all. But you're saying you're too old. If you start at 32, and take such a small amount of classes you don't finish for 5 years, that still puts you at my age. Still plenty of earnings to make and life to live at 37.

[faraday]

So...what happens if your visa expires? Where do you go?

 

This might be the opportunity to start a new life.

 

When I went back to school, I had to stop working for 5 months....I'm not $20,000 in debt...it's stressful...but I don't dwell on it...because it's getting me to where I need to go.

 

Don't look at everything as a setback...most things...are opportunities for growth. It's all in how you look at it.

[tiredofvampires]

- I'm practically a useless human being. How can I possibly be dreaming of moving to a place like New Zealand or Canada if I have nothing to offer? They'll look at me as if I were a piece of street garbage.

- My basic social skills have been going down the hill. Even my English has deteriorated.

- If I can't make any of my dreams come true, then what's the point?

- I dislike the country I'm living in where I feel like smoking a packet of cigarettes every day because of the heavy air pollution.

- I have almost no social life and if there's something then I'm surrounded by engaged couples or married people who are way more successful than I am in every aspect of life.

 

There are a number of things you've said along the way on this thread that speak to a deeper and more long-standing problem than the outer circumstances you find yourself in (which I do acknowledge sound quite stressful and miserable.) The statements you've made in bold jump out at me, though, as highlights. They stand out for how totalizing they are.

 

You've said a lot about what you hate about your situation and status, but people who get to the point of wanting to kill themselves, saying things like "I'm practically a useless human being" and trashing "every aspect" of themselves over their situation, are dealing with self-hatred, not just hatred of the situation. And self-hatred isn't born overnight. Self-hatred isn't born over 2-3 years, or 7 years, which is how long I think you said you've been in China. Self-hatred underlies patterns of thinking that turned black from a much earlier point in time. So I don't know what your life has been like over the last 30 years before this hateful situation, but I am guessing that there is a lot of backstory behind these sentiments and the way you're comparing yourself so contemptuously to others. Would you say there's truth to that?

 

Again and again in this thread, you've expressed just how detestable your life is -- but in with that, how detestable YOU are. People who can't separate a detestable situation from a detestable self have a lot of inner work to do to figure out where those messages came from and how to transform them -- wherever you find yourself, because wherever you go, you'll bring self-hatred with you if you don't get to the root of it and learn to care for yourself and appreciate what it is you CAN do, what you're good at, even if you're in a dungeon. You could go to Canada or New Zealand and get a Ph.D., and have the job of your dreams and it wouldn't "cure" the tendencies you have to beat up on yourself, and then that would spawn a whole new set of demons. So you need to start looking critically at the way you talk about and TO yourself and what's behind, and fueling, all that extremely self-deprecating narrative.

 

For instance, you need a reality check about your English ability. In your blinded anger at yourself, you can't see yourself as others might. I would consider that I have a pretty decent command of English, as a native English speaker, and when I read your posts, I feel that I'm reading the writing of a fellow English speaker, a peer. If you didn't state that English is not your mother tongue, I would not have guessed (in fact, I at first thought you might be from England). I've read and seen native English speakers do a lot worse than you, many from the U.S. So whatever about your English skills have "deteriorated," I certainly can't imagine how you'd be any better except to be born and raised in an English-speaking country; you even have some common and colloquial phrases down, as though they come naturally to you. I'm not writing this having to adjust for a language barrier, as I sometimes do on here. So you are really, REALLY underestimating yourself. And on top of it you're teaching US history? Ask nearly any average American on the street a random US history question, and watch the facial expression go blank.

 

So here you are, in a country with one of the most difficult-to-learn languages, learning it as not a second language, but a THIRD language, with enough proficiency to get around in basic ways; and in this country that isn't home, you're teaching not your mother tongue, but English -- and to wealthy, preppy kids whose parents no doubt expect only the best education for their children. And you can't see that as an accomplishment? Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND??? From where I stand (as an American), not only are you a multi-linguist (an impressive thing in America, where most people only know English), but you've taken all kinds of personal risks to live in alien places doing things that any small-town person in my country wouldn't even dream of doing. A lot of people (not just in America, but in many countries, including China) just feel accomplished if they grow up and start a family in their village or town. Look at yourself in relation to what the whole range of the planet is doing with their lives. You're a maverick compared to many, and yet much more unhappy and self-loathing than those with much more modest lives and goals. But you're only comparing yourself with one end of the spectrum (or rather, one type of person).

 

So that's the first thing: you absolutely need to start getting some perspective about what it is you're actually capable of, and what you can feel proud about doing and achieving so far in this life. Ambition is a great thing to have -- but the way you're applying it, you've made it pathological, as it poisons and cripples you from seeing clearly. And that is just an extension of an emotional landscape that as I said has existed, I am sure, long before China entered your life.

 

That's not to say that you shouldn't plan on ways to leave, and on that score, I'm wondering how much research and actual, proactive investigation you've done. Another poster asked this, and I didn't see a clear answer. Besides asking and wondering to yourself what's possible and not in terms of relocating, WHAT HAVE YOU ACTUALLY DONE TO SCOUR THE FIELD TO LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES? To GET OFF YOUR DUFF AND DO THE LEGWORK? How much are you challenging yourself to take risks in a calculated way, with information, leads, and even arrangements in your hand? I have had friends who up and left for a foreign country almost on a whim, and somehow landed jobs. Sometimes without any plan (and I think you can do better than that, though even that's better than dying.) Odd jobs at first, then working in a trade or field where they got training, starting from the bottom up with basically nothing to start with. I'm not that adventuresome and gritty myself, so my hat's off to them. But that kind of thing proves it's entirely possible to up and leave, and completely start somewhere else and survive that. If you hate China so much that you'd rather DIE, wouldn't it be better to leave to New Zealand after your visa is up, look for a job sheep shearing, and then see what you can do in terms of finding more white collar work along the lines of what you're trained to do (teach)? Sheep shearing while you explore a new set of givens, unsure of how this relates to your dream job and Ph.D., is better than dying where you are. Living in a small apartment in Canada serving coffee for a time, while looking for work and teaching posts (and really hunting aggressively), so that you can save up some money for school eventually is better than dying where you are, no? Even living in a less polluted city/country, doing something that just pays the rent so you can get your bearings and figure out what's next is better than stagnating/dying there, no?

 

To answer directly to your question though about whether you might have any chance in some other country -- I believe your skills would be highly valued somewhere else, even in the US, in certain cities. I live in a city where there is a huge population of Asians, so much so they even outnumber Caucasians. Many of them do not speak English very well, as immigrants from China and other places that didn't stress English-speaking. In a place like this, you would be the first choice as an instructor in any number of schools, classes, and programs designed for foreigners from China and other Asian countries (or even non-English-speaking Western countries) that are teaching ESL. You would make the IDEAL ESL teacher for classes comprised mostly or only of people from China or your home country, because you would be bilingually able in speaking both their mother tongue and English. So in many cases, you would likely be preferred and picked over a native English speaker who has no knowledge of those languages. Knowing a bit of Chinese and whatever other language is your own first language would put you ahead in teaching English to those nationals. This would be true in the US, in Canada, or New Zealand. I certainly have seen it here in my area. I mean, doesn't it make sense? Would you prefer to learn another language from someone who doesn't speak your own language, or someone who speaks your language AND the language you're trying to learn? Many schools will specifically require your set of skills, and the edge you have as a non-native English speaker.

 

So you have a massive asset right in your lap.

 

Rather than asking aimlessly into the void what chance you possibly have, you need to do an immense amount of research -- your work is cut out for you. Search online for international programs geared towards teaching English in the countries of your choice, looking for schools, schools that enroll mostly Chinese and Asian students, including those from your home country, and inquire about potential teaching positions. You may even be able to apply from where you are. These schools might be private, or they could even be public in some cases, as some public schools incorporate language programs for non-native English speakers. They might be night classes at colleges. Even if you start part-time, ESL in an English-speaking country could be very fertile for you, and there's a huge demand for it, if you target the right types of programs and schools. You might find too much competition teaching English to native English-speaking students but that's not where you should be focusing. Your specialty would be teaching English to non-English speakers, particularly from countries where you have a demonstrated work experience. Having taught US history only adds to your good resume and options. YOU ARE WELL-QUALIFIED AT THIS POINT.

 

So you are thinking in a very narrow way and I believe, not actually doing the work to FIND these opportunities. You're just thinking about it, and thinking is not enough to manifest an opportunity. It's like sitting at home grumbling that your social skills are poor, but not going out to socialize. The only way you find what you're looking for is to actually GO SEEKING IT OUT.

 

Less wondering, more doing. I think you have really good prospects, if you stop thinking of your dream scenario and start with the first steps: get a gig somewhere that you'd prefer to be than China, figure out how you'll get there given your budget, how you'll get a visa there (like if you are a student part-time and teaching/working at something menial part-time to start off), and then go from there. First things first. Now is not the time to think about a Ph.D. so much as it is to figure out how and where to make your exit, and to use what is already in your skillset to move closer to greater and bigger goals. You have a lot to build on, but you're only focusing on lacks and looking at the process by trying to fill in too many blanks at once.

 

Dreams come true by degrees. And don't expect to see the whole thing mapped out before you start. But even if you start small, you've built up a core of experience that you can use; you don't need to start at ground zero in my opinion. You just need to be much more aggressive in the search and inquiry process. The visa running out might be, as another poster said, a sort of prompt from the universe. Now you just have to get the practical part lined up.

 

There is every reason for you to have hope, even feel excited.

[abitbroken]

If you are in China and the only one you know is your girlfriend on a personal level, what about returning "home" where you have the support system of family, old friends, and more familiar surroundings? Get into some good counseling, take some time off, then maybe take a class and find out what moves you. It is normal when you hit your late 20s/early to mid 30s and start to doubt if you are where you want to be. I am almost 40 and had to start my entire life older. In three or four years, you will still be three or four years older and the difference is, you can have a different degree or different life in that time, or just stay the same.

[tiredofvampires]

By the way, you should know that the immigration policies in New Zealand are very strict. Generally speaking, you need to be bringing a needed skill to the country, or they won't allow it. You'd have to look into that further and how your experience could fit that criteria, but I would imagine Canada or the US would be much more conducive for you.

[abitbroken]

By the way, you should know that the immigration policies in New Zealand are very strict. Generally speaking, you need to be bringing a needed skill to the country, or they won't allow it. You'd have to look into that further and how your experience could fit that criteria, but I would imagine Canada or the US would be much more conducive for you.

 

And in Australia, you have to show that you have the money you need for your trip AND to get back home if you are visiting. You can't just go there and make it up as you go along. They will kick you out if you do not. They will not hesitate.

[tiredofvampires]

OP, I just got some information that might be of interest to you. I thought of you when I heard about this. I was talking to a young couple today who are clearly very seasoned travelers. They're from the Czech Republic, and they've been traveling from Europe through the US, and are moving west to their final destination, which is New Zealand. (Where I live is on the way.) They look to be mid-late 20's.

 

They told me that there is something called a Working Holiday Scheme (WHS), which is a kind of work visa program for young people to come from abroad and stay in NZ. You have to meet some basic requirements, including being within a certain age range (18 to 35, or 21 to 35, something like that), but it's an open program that doesn't require you to be in a certain occupation. It allows you to stay for 12 months, and you can only do it once in a lifetime. However, if you end up finding work while there and an employer that wants you to stay on, it may be possible to continue to live there and possibly think of longer-range goals in the country.

 

This couple is going, on this program, even though they don't know where they will work yet. They said they might have to start with a job on a farm, picking kiwi's, etc. But that might be a foot in the door, and for you, you might find something more related to your field. Either way, picking kiwis for a little while to get away from China, and see what you can do as an ESL teacher sounds like a plan.

 

So start googling WHS, New Zealand. Apparently other countries have something similar, but that's specific to New Zealand and it doesn't have many pre-requisites.

 

Here's a link I found to get you started:

 

link removed

 

Hope you're feeling better and looking into these options! Keep thinking in terms of finding information and researching and inquiring, instead of focusing on what you hate about where you are.

[tiredofvampires]

Also, what I was advised is that you IMMEDIATELY apply at the beginning of the enrollment period, because there is a quota of people allowed per year. My informant told me that within about 50 minutes, in a similar program at home in the Czech Republic, the quota was full due to so many eager applicants.

 

So this is something you have to be on top of.

[mesmerized]

Also, what I was advised is that you IMMEDIATELY apply at the beginning of the enrollment period, because there is a quota of people allowed per year. My informant told me that within about 50 minutes, in a similar program at home in the Czech Republic, the quota was full due to so many eager applicants. So this is something you have to be on top of.

 

Tiredofvampires... I wanted to thank you so much for all these posts... especially for the longest one that you wrote some time ago... I actually copied it and keep it on my computer, just in case. When I first read it, it really lifted my spirits... and it still does as a matter of fact.

 

Still, I hit the lowest point over the past two/three weeks and wasn't even able to write anything here. Thank you for the website. I've heard of that program before and checked the requirements a while ago (and I did it again just a few minutes ago) and in case of my country this is the requirement:

 

*be at least 18 and not more than 30 years old*

 

I was born in 1984 so it looks like I'm already too old to apply. One way or another, I couldn't possibly thank you enough for taking the effort and notifying me of that opportunity. It's so kind of you. Thank you so much.

 

I've really tried to do some research recently but things just got back to the way they were... I'm feeling useless again and without any future. At work things have gotten worse too because I can't deal with some matters and the kids can see that. I had a huge argument with my employer a few days ago... I really don't see any future for myself. My age is becoming a problem... Looks like my career is non-existent and going back to university seems even more daunting than before. Somehow I can't imagine myself being 31 and doing a 4-year university course sitting among 20 years old kids.

It will be worse with every year. On top of that, I don't know why I can't even loved nor be loved. All my cousins are married, even have kids... I'm the one who can't even settle down. Let alone form a long-lasting relationship.

 

Maybe I already had my chance? I missed it. I keep asking myself one question: If there's no place for me in this world, is... ending one's life always a bad choice? Sorry for saying this. I know I shouldn't be saying this. I know I should try fighting for whatever it is I'm supposed to be fighting for but... I just have those really grim thoughts again.

[tiredofvampires]

But since you are 30 now, it's not too late for you to apply to the New Zealand program! Yes, you're right on the edge -- but you just make the cut-off (unless the program is already filled and you'd have to wait until next year?)

 

Also, New Zealand isn't the only option! What about Australia? England? Europe? The US? (I think the US could be a good option, for ESL teaching/opportunity, especially in largely Asian populations.) Any other country besides CHINA? You have hundreds to choose from (though I would not go to Liberia right now.)

 

I'm glad my posts have been of some help to you. I've got more to say, but am unable to post right now, so more later.

 

Please keep remembering that life often requires that you go through the back doors, not the front ones, to get to a better place. Life asks that you be creative, and your job is to meet it on those terms. THERE ARE ALWAYS OTHER CHOICES THAN THE ONES YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU. ALWAYS. It just depends on how flexible your own mind is, how willing you are to think outside a box. For instance, the thought, "I'd be a 31-year-old amongst kids" -- if you're going to let that kind of pride stop you, it's the pride that's damning you, not your situation. Truth is, MANY people go back to school in mid-life, so much older than you, and they are sitting in with younger students. I know a guy who finished law school in his 50's, after being a mathematics professor all the rest of his life. He's just a few years into his practice, while his classmates were all 20-somethings. This is a second career, at a time some people are looking towards retirement. Didn't let that stop him. YOU are the only one limiting yourself with your rigid "can't-do" thinking. You're full of rigid ideas of how things are "supposed" to have gone or be going. This is YOUR life, no one else's, and YOU CAN CHOOSE TO MAKE IT WORK BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY. There may be some intermediate steps YOU DON'T LIKE, and sacrifices, and trade-offs, but that you can either look at as a challenge to persevere, or as defeat/failure. You know which one I side with.

 

It also sounds like you have clinical depression and I'm wondering if you have gone down the medication route, just so you can think this through more clearly, with more calm and less calamitous thinking (sorry if I missed/forgot the meds status).

 

I hope you keep writing here, when you feel really bad. Don't bottle it up. Don't give up on yourself. As long as you're breathing, you still haven't "missed your chance." Especially not at 30, which most people consider the "new 20's" now.

 

I keep asking myself one question: If there's no place for me in this world, is... ending one's life always a bad choice?

 

That question is useless and of no guidance for you -- because it presupposes an answer to the "IF" statement. "If there's no place for you in this world" is a thought. A depression THOUGHT. That's all. It's not a fact, it's not a proven, evidence-based conclusion, it's not a reality, it's not a truth, it's nothing more than a fabricated hypothetical borne out of despair. Other than that, it is meaningless and insubstantive. So the whole question needs to be discarded. You can't end your life IF you can't/haven't even determined that there is no place for you in this world.

 

That would be the ongoing quest, to which you set your mind. To find that place, and not be satisfied to sit there in defeated assumption.

 

Get rid of your destructive HYPOTHESES, based on depression and a current lack of clear routes.

[mesmerized]

I don't know what's going on with me. I stopped talking to my parents, my friends in Europe... I stopped talking to everyone. I'm considering doing something I'd never suspect myself of being capable of... I want to quit my job without telling anyone and disappear without a trace on Saturday so that they won't find out until Monday. For all these years I've been acting in a professional manner... I know this isn't me but I see no other way. I'm SICK of everything around me. I just want to quit the job and disappear. I don't want anyone to find me. Not my parents, not my friends, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm in Hong Kong now and every single thing in this city makes me aware how much of a loser I am.

[tiredofvampires]

I thought you were in Mainland China...

 

What would be the escape plan? Where would you go, and what would you do?

[mesmerized]

I thought you were in Mainland China...

 

What would be the escape plan? Where would you go, and what would you do?

 

Thanks Tiredofvampires for still being here. Appreciate it. That previous post of mine was the result of a nervous brekdown...

 

You were right. I have been in Mainland China for 3 years. I'm doing my 4th year now. Hong Kong was just a necessary trip for a new visa... I'm quite sure that if I could work and live in Hong Kong I'd feel so much better...

 

I don't have an escape plan. Yesterday I went to bed at 2:30am and got up at 5:30am. I can clearly see how my work is affecting both my mental and physical health. No matter how much I try to think outside the box, I end up in the same spot... I'm in a cage Tiredofvampires and I see no way of getting out of it. I'll probably write more on this matter soon because I'm simply exhausted today and I still have to prepare a lot of things for tomorrow...

 

EDIT:

 

This is the way I see my current situation regarding my career:

 

I was thinking of a way to go back to university and discussed this idea with my parents... The picture that emerged out of the conversation is very grim. I'll be 30 years old in 16 days... Let's look at the facts. Being 30 and already with uni degrees I simply can't imagine myself doing full-scale day-time studies. God, how I wish I could though! But the society is brutal. There's no place for people like me. After all, I had my chance, didn't I? I was 20 once. I made a wrong decision choosing my studies. Maybe I was scared? maybe I was lazy?

 

Nobody would offer any financial support to a person like me. I could maybe cover the first year of tuition with my savings and then I'd simply run out of money. Doing studies in my country would be a waste of time because if I were to take such a major step, it'd all have to be done at a reputable university.

 

A few facts about myself that are quite upsetting:

 

1) I don't sleep long enough. 3 to 5 hours a day is simply killing me.

2) I feel depressed and lonely. Without any real power to change my situation.

3) I don't even know if I'm still capable of acquiring knowledge at university level.

4) I don't see it possible to get into a country like Canada. I'm not a software engineer... or a surgeon.

5) Even my parents thing that full-time studies are out of the question.

 

I think quite a lot about death and the nature of life these days... It scares me so much that I'll have to live life like this for the next 30 years or so... This cage I'm in limits me so much that I wouldn't even be able to take away the only thing I have - my own life. I know I'm incapable of taking such a step... but what I'm left with is... life... a cage in itself. Still, I know for a fact it'd be better for me and the world if I could simply disappear and cease to exist. Why can't I simply die and be done with it? Why do I have to suffer every day from these thoughts and unhappiness? Why can't it be over once and for all? Why? Why...?

 

Best wishes to you all and especially to you Tiredofvampires.