My work destroyed my life. I have never felt as suicidal as I'm feeling today.

[mesmerized]

I can't cope anymore. I hate how I wasted my life. I hate how all the doors are closed to me. I HATE my job. I hate how I can't even have one dream come true. I hate how my career path is non-existent. I'm SO SICK of teaching. I'm SO SICK of the wrong choices I made years ago chosing my major. I hate how F_____UP my life is. I CAN'T cope with reality. I want to end my life and I even can't do that. My life has always been like this and will always be unless I end it and blow this stupid brain of mine out. I'm incapable of going on, keeping going. I want to disappear. I really do. End this constant frustration. End the feeling of constant sorrow. End the constant disappointment. This horrible feeling of wasting my life and not being able to achieve any of my goals. How I wish I could just END IT!!!

[faraday]

I'm not really equipped to handle heavy things like this, but I feel like I can't just click back and leave you here.

 

Mesmerized, we all make decisions in our lives where later on...we wonder "what was I thinking?" It's normal. And the thing about life is...that as long as your living, you can change your story.

 

I had my daughter when I was 24...I was halfway through an English degree (oddly, I was planning on becoming a teacher) but I had to drop out. So...I don't have any education I can put on a resume...and that means unless I'm self employed, I will not make enough to live on. That's my burden.

 

You can have a different life. It's not going to be easy...you might need to take night courses while working full time, or apply for jobs that you're interested in that are maybe out of your qualifications and hope you get lucky. Or maybe you start out on your own following your passion and make a business out of it. I don't know what your circumstances are...but I do know, that even with my lack of education, I've never had a hard time making money...but sometimes I work 16 hours days and do crap I hate as the means to an end where I get to do what I love.

 

Do you have a close family member you can talk to? Tell them how you feel...that you feel trapped and that you're very unhappy and that you need change...and see if they can help you brain storm a plan to get out of this.

 

One of the best things about life...is that it's constantly changing...and you can change yours...you just need to come up with a plan.

[sleepingdonut]

What do you teach? Can you quit and do something else? Anything may be good if you don't absolutely have to have a certain level of income. Even being a barista at a coffee shop might be a nice change, and you never know who you'll meet or what opportunities will arrive.

[Curly sue]

Which is a continuation of there head games. My personal life is challenging everyday. Do you want to talk. I well listen. I know how it feels to feel like you have know more to give but you can move on and pick yourself up.

[Man with Dog]

I don't feel as extreme as you do but, yes, I made some bad career decisions and am paying for it. I'm depressed. I can mitigate it to SOME extent by working on my dreams outside of work hours. I'm a writer. I have numerous magazine articles published and 4 books. It does not pay enough to live off, not nearly enough or even 1/10. BUt it satisfies me in a way that none of my day jobs ever did. I also get a LOT of fulfillment from being a dad. There's a lot in life I don't have but I have enough to make me want to continue living, even if it's a bit hard.

 

I would seek medical help for your depression and maybe find a life coach.

 

Good luck.

[faraday]

Life coaches are awesome. I was given one through school, and I meet with him weekly to help me make goals and prioritize my time. I'm lucky to have him.

[catfeeder]

Very few people end up with lifelong careers in their major. It's pretty common to switch to something else. I did it in my 40s, and that's when my 'good' life truly began.

 

If you are really serious that you want to stop wasting your time, then stop trashing yourself. The ONE thing on this planet that we each DO have control over is the voice we run in our own head.

 

It takes 21 days to form a new habit. I'd switch the critical voice to a kind and supportive one. I'd start saying the things to myself that I would say to a friend that I love. I'd become my own coach and advocate, and I'd learn that being kind to myself and forgiving of the mistakes I've needed to make in order to learn translates into the exact same compassion I'd show to a child trying to learn a new skill.

 

We are all learning new skills--ALL the time. The first place you can apply your teaching skills is to your Self, and from there who knows what you'll be capable of learning?

 

Head high.

[mesmerized]

I'm not really equipped to handle heavy things like this, but I feel like I can't just click back and leave you here.

 

Thanks Faraday. Appreciate it.

 

Mesmerized, we all make decisions in our lives where later on... we wonder "what was I thinking?" It's normal. And the thing about life is...that as long as your living, you can change your story.

 

The biggest issue I'm facing at this point is that I'm absolutely dissatisfied with my teaching career. I haven't felt any personal development whatsoever for god knows how long. I'm currently living in China, which actually doesn't make me happy at all. I feel I don't really have anything I could call "a career." I majored in English and I teach US History, English and American Literature and ESL courses. The fact of the matter is that I don't feel comfortable with teaching anymore. I never have actually. I hate to say it but I envy the kids I teach that they can choose to study at one of the top 10-50 universities in the US/the world. In fact, I don't even feel competent enough to do it. I've noticed two things. Ever since I've become so frustrated by teaching I also started questioning my knowledge and skills. These days I feel like I wasted at least 2 years of my university years, and by the way, my uni wasn't great at all. Average at best.

 

You can have a different life. It's not going to be easy...you might need to take night courses while working full time, or apply for jobs that you're interested in that are maybe out of your qualifications and hope you get lucky.

 

That's the thing. I do know what I would like to achieve but I feel I'm not qualified at all. In fact, I feel I'm not qualified for anything. Once my dream was to get a PhD in literature but A) I don't have the money; B) I feel I'm simply too dumb for it. C) People tell me that getting a PhD might leave you with a huge hole in your pocket and there's slim chances you can get a job at university. I love literature though.

 

I've always wanted to move to one of the English-speaking countries. It's always been my biggest dream but at this point I feel completely useless. What can a teacher be doing there? Let alone a teacher who doesn't enjoy teaching anymore.

 

Do you have a close family member you can talk to? Tell them how you feel...that you feel trapped and that you're very unhappy and that you need change...and see if they can help you brain storm a plan to get out of this.

 

I do have relatives and we have talked lots of times about my situation but we've never come up with any solution. In fact, I have relatives in the US and Canada but they always said the same thing "What are you gonna be doing here with your major?"

 

One of the best things about life...is that it's constantly changing...and you can change yours...you just need to come up with a plan.

 

I used to believe that I still have a chance to change everything but now I'm 30 years old and have a set of useless skills. I wish I could study again at least for a while and learn something new. I wish someone could tell me that I could get a PhD. But I don't feel I can. I really don't.

 

You know, one of American co-workers said something that made me feel really anxious about my career. His words were more or less like these: "Being a teacher in China is not helping my career in any way. In fact, it's detrimental if anything. I have to go back to my profession."

 

And then I thought "nice, I don't have any other profession."

 

Do you think I'd have to go back to university if I wanted to immigrate to a country like New Zealand or Canada?

[Man with Dog]

This is very good advice. The problem I find is that it's easy to agree with but hard to put into practice.

[Man with Dog]

In the grand scheme of things, 30 is not that old. You don't mention any significant other, so I'm guessing that you're quite free to do what you want without having to consider how it might affect others. Although it wasn't a career issue, like yours, when I was your age my marriage broke up and I had to restart my life from scratch. It was hard but I managed it. I once saw a survey that suggested that only 11% of people achieve their career goals and I'm one of the 89% as well. From what I've seen on this board, teaching in Chine seems to be very much an end of career thing to do. I wouldn't mind a go myself but my wife wouldn't go and our daughter is determined to stay in the UK.

 

Now is teaching the issue or would you rather teach a different audience? Not everyone likes working with kids. Everyone who teaches in some way questions their skills and techniques all the time.

 

One thing I am curious about: do you have any social life in China? If you don't have anything outside work to stimulate and your only focus is work, then it's a bad place to be, even if work is going well.

 

Good luck.

[mesmerized]

Life coaches are awesome. I was given one through school, and I meet with him weekly to help me make goals and prioritize my time. I'm lucky to have him.

 

Yeah, I'm sure they are. In China there are no life coaches. And I'm sure that's a very expensive privilage to have one anyway.

[mesmerized]

Which is a continuation of there head games. My personal life is challenging everyday. Do you want to talk. I well listen. I know how it feels to feel like you have know more to give but you can move on and pick yourself up.

 

Yes, I'd like to talk with someone... But I'm afraid the level of my negativity has far exceeded any limits. I don't talk to people much anymore. The level of my indifference towards the world (I can't even control it) is just way beyond I've ever experienced before.

[chitown9]

Where there is life, there is hope. chi

[mesmerized]

I'll try to answer your questions although the level of emotions I'm getting right now is just making me sick. Why the hell can't I live in a normal country? China is just impossible to live! I can't even access Gmail to send a message to my parents because the bloody government here is trying to control everything. I'M SO SICK OF BEING IN THIS SICK COUNTRY. I want to SCREAM IT OUT LOUD. I HATE THIS PLACE. I feel like bashing my head against the wall until it just cracks! This place is SO SICK. I've never cursed as much as I'm cursing now. This is NOT what life's supposed to be like. Every frigging little thing is an uphill struggle! This is INSANE!!! How can I blame the rich Chinese kids that they don't want to come back here? ALL of them want to immigrate to the US or Canada and they have enough money to do so but I'm stuck here. You guys have no idea how insanely frustrating it is.

 

Now is teaching the issue or would you rather teach a different audience? Not everyone likes working with kids. Everyone who teaches in some way questions their skills and techniques all the time.

 

One thing I am curious about: do you have any social life in China? If you don't have anything outside work to stimulate and your only focus is work, then it's a bad place to be, even if work is going well.

 

1) The first big reason is that I don't want to teach rich high-school kids anymore. I'm sick of listening to their stories of how they've just come back from Stanford summer camp or Harvard summer school or Yale summer course. I'm sick of seeing how priviliged they are.

 

2) I want to be a university teacher. That's my goal if I'm to stay in the field of education. The problem is that I don't have any publications, nor a PhD (and the latter can't be done without the former as far as I know) If I can't be a uni teacher, then I have to totally abandon education and re-educate myself in order to get a totally different job.

 

3) Speaking of which, if I want to re-educate myself. I love studying and I wish I could do it for at least a year or two. I'm a whole different person when I have to do research and study. My motivation goes to 300%.

 

4) The biggest issue I'm having right now is of threefold nature.

 

- I have to change the country and leave Asia for good. This place will kill me if I stay here. I already feel like I've lost my senses. I want to move to a country I'll feel good in. There MUST be a way. There must be a way. I checked New Zealand immigration and it looks like they don't need teachers.

 

- I don't feel qualified in any field. My education seems to be useless. That leads to HUGE frustrations because I'm not a specialist in any field. Right now I feel like a useless piece of c...p.

 

- I need to feel I've achieved something in life. I want to go and get a degree from a good, reputable university. I want to feel I'm worth something.

 

5) At this point of life I'm so indifferent to everything around me. I don't like talking with people anymore. Every conversation seems to be meaningless. I don't feel love. I don't feel anything. I just feel hatred towards myself.

 

What's the point of living if my life is like this? EVERYDAY frustration and self-hatred? What's the point? I don't see any whatsoever. I don't see any sense in life. In fact, I haven't seen it for the past 6 or 7 years.

[mesmerized]

Where there is life, there is hope. chi

 

Chi, but what kind of life is it? Full of hopelessness, self-hatred, aimlessness? Is this life? I wish someone could understand that someone could actually feel better if... he didn't feel anything at all. Today is another day of this insane anxiety and frustration. I can't live like this. Every second it feels like just getting a gun a blowing my head into pieces. Have you ever had a feeling that imagining yourself dead was actually a plasurable thought?

[mesmerized]

I don't know what I'm doing right now but I'm telling my Chinese girlfriend she shouldn't be with me because I've become a very dark person. I can't let her see this. I can't make her feel disappointed. She doesn't deserve to see this mess of mine. Robbin Williams killed himself. Jim Morrison killed himself. Kurt Cobain killed himself. God damn it, I hope I will drink myself to death one day.

[mesmerized]

I think it'd be better if you ignored the last post. It was written when my bad emotions reached the highest level.

[faraday]

Is there anyone you can talk to on your real life? A family member, a friend, someone through an employee assistance program?

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[catfeeder]

What is your country of origin, and what would you need to do to go back there?

[Man with Dog]

I don't know what I'm doing right now but I'm telling my Chinese girlfriend she shouldn't be with me because I've become a very dark person. I can't let her see this. I can't make her feel disappointed. She doesn't deserve to see this mess of mine. Robbin Williams killed himself. Jim Morrison killed himself. Kurt Cobain killed himself. God damn it, I hope I will drink myself to death one day.

 

Would your girlfriend be able to emigrate with you?

[Man with Dog]

I think it'd be better if you ignored the last post. It was written when my bad emotions reached the highest level.

 

Which is not a bad thing in itself. We won't judge you for it, for many of us have been there. I have been to China and the culture is very different to that of the USA and Europe.

[Man with Dog]

1. Unfortunately, you will always cone accross people in life who are richer than we are. The distribution of wealth isn't particularly fair but these "rich kids" are providing you and others with work. Hard though it is, you need to somehow engage with them as human beings (I'm in education myself, so sometimes I have to engage with people I have little natural affinity with)

 

2. OK, you have to have a realistic plan and a Plan B if it doesn't work. I know your motivation level is low but see if you can research options, including distance learning

 

3. Related to #2, you need to use your spare time. I do it to write

 

4a. I know many Chinese people cannot access websites hosted outside. I also understand how state censorship works. Chinese governments have always been wary of the outside world, from the emperors onwards. No all Asia is the same. Don't write it off

 

4b. Same answer to #2 and #3

 

4c. Maybe you won't get it from work and certainly not solely from work. TBH, my biggest satisfaction in life is being a dad to our daughter and work comes near the bottom of the list

 

5. You need medical help. You cannot move an inch from where you are without it. Trust me on this one. There is no magical "one size fits all" solution from depression. I take tablets and they don't solve it. What they do is give me the kick start to do things. You've been stuck in a rut for a very long time but cannot get out of it on your own.

 

I do have a positive note to end on though: I've never been EXACTLY where you are but I've sufferred A LOT of depression at times. There is life after it as many of us are still here. For every celebrity who has gone there's probably a hundred other people who have felt like suicide and have got through it. I cannot kid you its easy but if I had taken my life when most vulnerable (end of 1st marriage) I would never have met my wife and this wonderful young woman we call our daughter would simply not exist.

 

Take care and good luck.

[mesmerized]

What is your country of origin, and what would you need to do to go back there?

 

Here's the thing. I don't want to go back there. I'd feel like a failure. I've always felt more comfortable being in a country where I had to use English to communicate. At leasts that gave me a little feeling of achievement that I need so badly. I basically feel like a piece of waste at this point. I don't believe I could ever achieve any of my dreams. Someone here mentioned that I have to plan everything ahead. Well, how do I plan something like immigration to Canada or New Zeealand (I'm not even mentioning the US because it's even harder probably) with my set of skills? As a teacher I'm absolutely not needed there.

 

Even here in China, most schools don't want me, no matter how hard I try to prove I'm a good teacher. I'm not from an English-speaking country and that's the end to any discussions regarding jobs here. I'm completely exhausted. I've been facing problems in China bravely for 3 years. Alone. Totally alone. No real friends here. No social network. I'm just done with this. How long can I simply pretend that everything is fine? Nothing is fine. How long can I stick to a job I hate? How long can I put up with the crap I get from employers here? I don't even know how to express myself now because my brain is not working as efficiently as it used to. The level of exhaustion is just unbearable.

 

Why can't I simply move to a country I want to live in and start from scratch? Why do I have to look how my students leave this place for the US or Canada and pursue their dreams and I'm simply stuck in this rut of self-hatred and hate of my job? I even started to forget how to use English properly in this goddamn place.

 

I feel I'm going crazy. Literally losing what's left of my mind. If I could just swallow a bunch of pills and be sure they're gonna do the job, I swear I would. I don't think anyone could stand this kind of situation for such a long time. 3 damn years. 3 years. Everyone has limits. EVERYONE. I can't cope anymore.

 

And you know what's the worst feeling? That this whole fight here in China is not gonna even matter if I wanted to get a teaching job somewhere else, like in the US for example. They won't even consider my experience as worthwhile, you know?

 

So I'm living this lonely life that doesn't even matter. I hate my job because it doesn't bring any development. I don't see ANYTHING positive about my life at this point. I'm useless and my experience is useless. You can't live without hope of moving forward for 3 years, you simply can't. There has to be SOME hope on the horizon, otherwise you die and that's it. I'm mentally dead because I see no way out of it. I see no way of getting out of here. It's a cage. I see no way of immigrating to Canada or the US or New Zealand or any other country for that matter. I feel COMPLETELY USELESS.

 

I can't stay here. I will always be looked down upon here because I'm not a native speaker of English. It doesn't matter what kind of degree I have. Even if I had one from Yale, it wouldn't matter in this country. I don't want to lead a life like this.

 

Is my dream really that unreal or unrealistic? Do I want to much? Tell me please. All I want is to move to a country I've been dreaming of and have a very ordinary life there with a very average salary and just a bit of job satisfaction and a feeling that I've acheieved at least one dream in my life. Am I really asking for too much?

 

Can someone please tell me where to seek advice? How to start solving these problems? I can't live like this. I can't be in this constant circle of frustration, self-hatred, disappointment and disillusionment.

 

How long can a person burn their body with frustration? Going nowehere is not helping me. 3 years of this have already done enough damage to my mental state. I can't do this anymore. If I don't escape, I'll end up in a coffin.

[mesmerized]

Sorry about the typos. I was typing fast and just noticed that there's a lot of words where -s's are missing.

[catfeeder]

Why do I have to look how my students leave this place for the US or Canada and pursue their dreams and I'm simply stuck in this rut of self-hatred and hate of my job?

 

Because you're allowing your hubris to block the one alternative that would position you to start from scratch. You're not humble enough to do that, so you're stuck.

 

You're choosing to marinate in your seething contempt for the students you've been entrusted to teach, and you can do that is you wish--nobody here can stop you. But your focus on their financial privilege has blinded you to one advantage that they enjoy, which you can opt to either trash or appreciate and adopt--their bonds with family, friends and their own root culture.

 

I'm all for breaking away from provincial ties to embrace life solo, I've done it. But I never did it through a lens that looks down on where I came from. I have relaunched myself from that root starting point countless times over the course of my life, and each time I've gained new respect and appreciation for the strides I've made despite my repeated efforts to wipe unproductive slates clean and forge new paths.

 

If you believe that success can only be achieved through a narrow linear path, then you're missing whole new worlds of expansive achievement that humility can bring.

 

Consider this. Meditate. Allow yourself to appreciate that you're using your intelligence against yourself. 'You' are what boxes you in. Explore what could open up for you if you'll drop your own fascination with appearances. Try operating from the premise that all of your current premises are false.

 

My best,

Cat