My work destroyed my life. I have never felt as suicidal as I'm feeling today.

[mesmerized]

I've re-read my post... I know I shouldn't be focusing on those grim thoughts resolving around death... I know I should be stronger but this combination of mental and physical exhaustion is showing its effects... I just don't know how to change it all.

[mesmerized]

I hope you're still around Tiredofvampires... or anyone else who's willing to help...

[chitown9]

Yes, we are still around. Have you come to any conclusions about future plans? Have you returned to work? :star: chi

[tiredofvampires]

Yes, I'm still around. Sorry, the last few days have been really tough for me, so I was waiting for a better time to post to you. Hopefully today.

 

So stay tuned. I will not forget your thread, even if it takes a few days (unless I get hit by a bus, haha)...

 

Definitely keep posting here, regardless. People are with you. You're hanging in there, and that's the right thing to do, because I've found that the worst situations are never set in stone and unchanging. You do have to become an active agent though. I think your biggest issue is becoming trapped in feeling like a pawn, and that tends to limit options and movement in your own mind.

 

More later...

[mesmerized]

Yes, I'm still around. Sorry, the last few days have been really tough for me, so I was waiting for a better time to post to you. Hopefully today.

 

More later...

 

Thank you Tiredofvampires. I thought you might be going through a rough patch so... just take your time.

[mesmerized]

Yes, we are still around. Have you come to any conclusions about future plans? Have you returned to work? :star: chi

 

Thanks Chi! Glad to hear that. Yes, there are a few things I'll write about today after work.

[tiredofvampires]

How are you doing, mesmerized? What about that update....?

[mesmerized]

How are you doing, mesmerized? What about that update....?

 

Hello tiredofvampires, thanks for dropping a line. I wanted to write a long update but because the feeling of hopelessnes has struck back I've sort of been living day by day without thinking much. My state of mind has been jeopardizing any creative thinking and it's been sort of dominated by sluggishness so to speak... I'll try to describe everything in detail soon enough... The only good (actually bad) piece of news is that I've checked possibilities of studying at the University of Edinburgh, which is the only university I've found so far that has reasonable tuition fees... Unfortunately, I find it impossible to stay there for 4 years (BA with honors in Computer Science and Business) as I would graduate being 35 with no experience in that particular field. I think that taking up such a long-term course would seriously impede my chances of starting a relationship with someone... And I can't possibly be without a regular job and regular income for 4 years. These days I've been also thinking what's wrong with my private life (it's non-existent) but that's a whole different story. I've also been thinking about my teaching career but those thoughts require some clarification before I can post them here.

 

Hope you're doing fine tiredofvampires. Wish I could be the helper, rather then... what do we call it? Helpee? Hah...

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, I find it impossible to stay there for 4 years (BA with honors in Computer Science and Business)

 

The 4 years would be if you did the whole program from scratch, but you've likely already completed the foundational 'general education requirements' that are universal to most programs. This would knock out a bulk of credits, and you'd only need to layer the core requirement credits on top of your current degree.

 

I'd research this further before taking a wrecking ball to the idea.

 

Head high.

[maccerz]

I've just read through this whole thread and I just wanted to leave a comment to see how you are? I really can't believe how helpful people on this thread have been.. that in itself should give u some hope mesmerized! Look how many people want to help u and see u succeed, it's fantastic! Have u researched any information about studying/teaching in Ireland? I don't think it's nearly as difficult to get in here as it may be to get into the likes of the US and NZ.

I've had a very tough time with my own career recently, I was in a job I truly hated and I came to the realization that the single most important thing to me is my mental health so I left. Best decision I ever made. Yes it's scary, but sometimes you need that fear.. it's ultimately whats gonna be the driving force that gets you out of your rut because you'll have no other choice but to do something about it!

At this point it seems like you have absolutely nothing to lose.. if I were you id quit that job, leave China, go wherever u can and get a job in ANYTHING for the time being! You can join a temp agency and get temp work in an office working as a receptionist, or even just work in a restaurant or something.. just something to keep u afloat while u figure out what it is that u wanna do. Anything would be better than where u are now, you're not living, you're reluctantly existing and that's NOT ok! You need to start enjoying your life and I think maybe getting out of ur stressful and unhappy job and doing something simple for the moment might help. PLEASE hang on in there, I know that feeling of being totally lost, I promise you'll start enjoying life again but u have to make steps first!

[mesmerized]

I've just read through this whole thread and I just wanted to leave a comment to see how you are? I really can't believe how helpful people on this thread have been.. that in itself should give u some hope mesmerized! Look how many people want to help u and see u succeed, it's fantastic!

 

Thanks for dropping a line... I haven't been here for a long while... I agree, the replies I got from people here have been very comforting and I'm truly grateful for every single sentence here and every single minute those posters devoted.

 

I've been feeling worse than before... Things have gone to the stage where it's hard for me to write clearly... I feel as if my IQ went down by 25 points... It's hard to handle every day situations... I just want to survive each week and get to the weekend... and on weekends I just sleep most of the time because I'm so sick of thinking that the only way to stop is to sleep. I force myself into sleep by listening to audiobooks because they help me fall asleep quickly...

 

I've considered many options and there's no way out of this mess. I've become a numb and dumb passive person who can hardly learn anything. I don't know what has happened to me but I can't even socialize anymore. I've been single for years. I can't even remember what it feels like to be with someone. I don't know what it's like to talk with a woman. It's Christmas time and I'm completely alone. Yes, I have some money saved but my life is a complete disaster... Lonely, in a tiny apartment that doesn't have heating, without any friends and in a school that apparently doesn't have a good reputation. I'm constantly being discriminated against and can't get a decent job because I'm not a native speaker. I have a ty diploma from a crappy school and I'm worth nothing.

 

My life has ended. I don't want to live alone and do the job I hate till the end of my life and then die of old age or some disease. It's a fact. I'm already dead.

[catfeeder]

I still don't understand why you won't go home and concern yourself with planning a fresh start after you've had time to revive yourself.

[Jetta]

Its obvious to me your life goals have changed. So what you need to do instead is turn your attention to the process of achieving your new goals. And take steps to aachieve them.

 

Change your focus and your life will change

[kbbcoop77]

Seems to me you could come to the US and teach at some lower income cities? I would think they are in desperate need of teachers and it would be very rewarding and you wouldn't be exposed to those super priveleged kids but mostly kids who's lives need some uplifting and hope.

[mesmerized]

Hello there... I wanted to write here something... but words don't come up anymore... I think I've reached the stage where there's no return. Too many things don't work in my life. If a machine breaks down and is beyond repair, you simply have to throw it away. My life is beyond repair and should be ended for my own sake, for my own good. There are too many things no one can help me with. Thanks for your posts guys.

[mesmerized]

I still don't understand why you won't go home and concern yourself with planning a fresh start after you've had time to revive yourself.

 

Because there's no place for me to return to. I can't go back and live with my parents, that would be the ultimate failure. I'd rather..........myself than allow myself to become such a failure. Besides, I'd be without a job and here at least I can make some money.

 

One way or another, I feel it's just a matter of time now... There's no-one who'll miss me much anyway, except for my parents of course... It's the last thought that's stoping me from finding the way to end this mess. What's the point to live in such a mental state? Without any chances of falling in love, feeling what it's like to be loved and love someone? Without any chances of achieving anything more? Living here without a single friend and waiting for the lung cancer to come because the pollution is so serious that I'd have to wear a gas mask 24/7? I don't even have a retirement fund... Nothing. No health insurance either. My diploma is worthless. I feel more and more insecure, and I started avoiding people. Spent Christmas with myself and went to bed early, not to mention going to sleep on New Year's Eve... This is the 3rd year which is like that... What's the point? If I could, I'd end it all because there's no way out of this. I don't even have one person to talk to. What does it say about me? I'm a disaster. A failure. 30 years is enough. I've done enough in life. I've been living like this for years and it's obvious that the next years will bring the same stuff. I've lost the game. Game over. No savegames to go back to.

[mesmerized]

The only hope I saw was in going back to school but I'm already 30 years old and taking an undergrad course woud cost me 4 years. I'd be 34 or 35 years old. I was considering doing something related to computer science but the truth is that these days kids of 17 or 18 years of age are tech-wizzes and would be way beyond me... Not to mention the fact that I'd have no work experience in the new field. At that age I could also forget about starting a family most probably... I think you all see there's no way out of this and how bad my situation is but you don't want to say it out loud because you don't want to crush me entirely... But I'm aware of my situation...

[chitown9]

I think living in China does a lot in affecting your outlook, with the terrible air quality and dense population.... chi

[catfeeder]

I think you all see there's no way out of this and how bad my situation is but you don't want to say it out loud because you don't want to crush me entirely... But I'm aware of my situation...

 

No, I think you're entirely enmeshed in an iron clad pessimism that won't allow you to forego your stubborn and useless ego to submit to the love of your parents and the root culture that raised you--understanding that this exactly where MOST people DO GO after they've taken an adventure to it's completion.

 

You're done with yours, and rather than start over, which is what most people do after, say, completing the the Peace Corps or serving in war or traversing the edges of the earth to explore and learn, you instead have adopted the role of martyr and have decided on your own accord that the end of this particular journey MUST mean the end of life?

 

Sorry, but that's just narcissistic.

 

People return to their roots ALL THE TIME to regroup and give back to their community.

 

You are unwilling to do that, without any reason other than some fiction that you've invented in our own mind which calls this a failure.

 

It's not a failure, it's wrap up of a single experiment that has run it's course.

 

Every freakin' genius in the universe has had his or her failures, some of which they've published with pride.

 

You, on the other hand have closed your mind to all possible outcomes, and I'm angry at you for that.

 

You're being an ass, and you're choosing misery over reinvention.

 

That's on YOU.

 

And it's senseless. And it deprives the next person of your gifts, which you COULD opt to share if you weren't so self involved.

 

No peace for you if you continue on this path. I'm furious with you for even contemplating such a waste of your beautiful intelligence and the promise of wisdom you could opt instead to go home and GIVE to the next person who could gain from your experience.

[mesmerized]

I think living in China does a lot in affecting your outlook, with the terrible air quality and dense population.... chi

 

No, I think you're entirely enmeshed in an iron clad pessimism that won't allow you to forego your stubborn and useless ego to submit to the love of your parents and the root culture that raised you--understanding that this exactly where MOST people DO GO after they've taken an adventure to it's completion.

 

First of all, thanks for sticking around and reading this stuff.

 

Yes Catfeeder, you're right about the iron-clas pessimism. I wish I could get rid of it. I've tried for 8 or 9 years and look at me now - still the same? No, much worse. My parents won't be able to help me in any way except for offering me a place to sleep. Food and shelter. That's it. They've got enough on their plate trying to deal with my sister who's suffering from an extreme form of OCD, failed her university studies, is jobless and had a suicidal attempt. If I were there with them, I'd probably end up feeling even worse than now.

 

Let me just add these 3 points:

 

1) I do not want to live in my country. If I go there, I'll feel even more depressed. I felt depressed before I'd left. Ever since I remember, I constantly looked for opportunities to get out.

2) I don't even like using my language much.

3) If I go back, I'll be jobless for god-knows how long, which means I'll be burning my savings without earning anything or earning scraps.

 

Sorry, but that's just narcissistic.

 

I don't understand how I could possibly narcisstic if my self-esteem is so low...

 

You, on the other hand have closed your mind to all possible outcomes, and I'm angry at you for that.

 

Cat, do you know how many times I've tried to find an outcome? What am I supposed to do? I'm a 30 years old man who hates his job and came to a realization that he had made a mistake years ago. I live a lonely life. There's nobody in my life Cat, nobody. No friends, no love. Christmas? Alone. New Year's Eve? Alone. People I talk to seem to ignore me or do other things while I'm talking to them. I developed a fear of sex because I haven't been in a relationship for ages.

 

I can't change the past, I can't go back and make another choice, choose a different university, a different major. I can't. I feel as if I lost my chance Cat. I feel as if life was passing me by in its every aspect. I wanted to go back to school, re-educate myself, start from scractch... and what? Everyone tells me that I'm already in my 30ties and doing a new degree in a new field might be a mistake. My LAST SLIM sense of hope got killed. Again. I desperately needed it, I needed those studies to prove myself that I'm no worse than others, to rebuild my confidence, to tell myself that I've achieved something. Not to mention the job factor... Do you know how scared I am by not having health insurance? By not having a retirement pension plan? Everyone around me is settling down and I'm in this permanent state of temporariness if I may use such an oxymoron. I need to prove to myself I can achieve something. Otherwise I will ALWAYS feel like a miserable wreck. That would bring my spirits up and give some hope. Perhaps this lack of confidence is killing me. I can't even talk with women because of it.

 

There were two reasons why I've been staying in China - I hoped learning Chinese could help me in the future. Two, I really wanted to settle down with an Asian girl. And I do feel like a failed because my Chinese is very basic. Not to mention my co-workers constantly bragging about their girlfriends or wives. They actually keep pointing at me and ask why I haven't been able to find anyone.

 

So how do I find hope in all this mess? If I haven't found it for so many years? How do I find happiness if there's been hardly any or none for the past 8 or 9 years? Don't I deserve a bit of happiness? Just a little bit? Don't I deserve someone with whom I could spend time? Go for a coffee? Go for a walk? Don't I deserve a tiny bit of satisfaction from life? Does it always have to be miserable? How would you feel if you were me? Would you feel hopeful?

[mesmerized]

PS A small addition to my previous post... Here in Asia I'm often rejected based on the fact that I'm not an American or a British citizen... It's so upsetting when you think about how many years you've been teaching and when you know for a fact that students here love your classes or even consider them to be the most interesting in the whole school. And yet, no, you won't get a better paid job in a decent school because the papers aren't right. That's one of the reasons why I have to change my profession.

 

Dear Catfeeder and others, the problems I'm facing are multi-dimensional and it's not easy to handle them. It's like an avalanche of issues that are simply flooding my mind. There's too many of them at the same time.

[mesmerized]

I can't edit the previous post... What's quite peculiar is that even my parents don't recommend me to live in our country, especially now when the crisis is still taking it's toll.

[mesmerized]

Hello there... I wrote three posts a few days ago but I realize that some of you don't want to read them... although I wish someone did. I'm working on a clear-cut version of my plan but so far nothing's come out of it... just a few quick points...

 

- I should never have been a teacher - even though I'm pretty damn good at doing it, I think it's a mistake I made years ago. Can't change that.

- I tried finding a way to change my situation for such a long time. 3 years ago, 2 years ago, last year... Still, the same.

- I feel hopeless because if absolutely nothing has changed over the years, then it's only natural to assume that things will be the same in the nearby future.

- I talked with my parents yesterday again and they say that coming back to my country is probably the worst path to go down.

 

You know what I want? I want a clear choice. I want to have control over my life. Why should I continue to live a life in which 7 days a week I've got constant buzzing in my head? Why do I have to face everything alone? I do believe it's unreasonable to force myself to keep going if nothing has changed over the past 5 years. Where am I supposed to find strength to believe that something will change in the future?

 

I'll feel truly happy for a split second when I finally say to my HR manager and my boss... "f... off" and then I'll walk down the corridor with JJ Cale's music in my headphones. I'm sick of even looking at those people.

 

There was only ONE brief moment of my life when I felt truly happy. Years ago when I was with the only girl I truly loved. Ever since, it's all been a ride down the hill. Career-wise, mental health-wise, in every other aspect of life.

[tiredofvampires]

First of all, no human being can make you happy -- except yourself. That's a cliche, alright. But it's damn true. No woman can provide enough love to fill in you what you must do for yourself -- to fight for your own self-advancement, to care for yourself and stop the self-hating, to decide that no matter what life throws at you, you will greet it with courage because you're worth it. I speak from vast experience.

 

Your inner life is only supported by others -- but it has to be its own force for change and eventual happiness. Your relationship with yourself comes first, last, and always. So it's just a deflection to look to a woman for what is clearly making it NOT POSSIBLE for that kind of connection to arise.

 

I'm catching up on your thread, mesmerized, not fully there yet. I've had my own battles to fight.

 

But what stands out to me is your refusal to consider radical options other than death. It's either stay in a kind of comfortably miserable limbo, or die. It's a thought process of extremes, which is not conducive to growth and change.

 

Stand back, mesmerized. Stand way, way, WAY back and look at this as an observer whose life this is not, and who has no foreknowledge of any of your story:

 

"Life as it is RIGHT NOW -- or die." Those are the ONLY two options.

 

DOES THIS SOUND CROOKED OR RIGHT TO YOU? Does that sound like something is amiss?

 

Your success and recovery of life is going to be directly proportional to how much concerted effort you make to think outside your pre-formulated boxes and repetitive "shoulds" and "musts". These are your chains. Moreso than your school, China, your profession themselves. It's your way of approaching and thinking about life.

 

YOUR CHAINS. How about freeing yourself of your chains while still remaining alive? How does that sound?

 

You don't have to know every step of the way before you do this what it will look like. In fact, you CAN'T. One step you take leads to the next, which leads to a corner, which leads to a passageway, which leads to more stairs and steps and curbs and streets. You aren't going to be able to map out this journey completely, once you are a free man.

 

But you can't get there if you stay in your cell with the irons around your legs and the chains in your grip, and you never unlock the prison and decide to take first steps out of it. You have to be okay that like a slave running from slavery (in this case, it's your mind and what that's doing to cripple your vision and ability to move), you are moving away from enslavement first -- the destination itself is more an ongoing quest.

 

It would seem you have nothing to lose, but here you are, clinging to, grabbing at your chains and holding them close to your heart, clutching them to your breast.

 

You have to have an "ah ha" moment where you can imagine letting go to something entirely different, while preserving your life so it can meet the new opportunities and unknowns that will come your way.

 

How afraid are you of this process? I sense you are more terrified of changing in a fundamental approach and limiting beliefs than you hate your situation. It's hard to imagine a mindstate that is bigger than your current detesting. But the subtext, the unwritten here, is your FEAR. YOU.ARE.TERRIFIED.OF.CHANGE, more than you want it.

 

Ironic, isn't it?

 

Do you want to die a fearful man, whose legacy to himself was micro-steps taken in circles in his own prison? Or a fearless one, who dared to redesign his life, freeing himself of pre-conceived notions and self-sabotage?

 

- I tried finding a way to change my situation for such a long time. 3 years ago, 2 years ago, last year... Still, the same.

 

HOW? How have you been trying? What have you done?

[mesmerized]

HOW? How have you been trying? What have you done?

 

Dear Tiredofvampires, thank you for posting your thoughts. I went through your post twice and will have to read it again before I can reply properly. As for the question that ended your message, well, there's only one answer: I've spent countless hours trying to find a way out. I've also started to research studying possibilities...

 

I don't know why I feel such a strong urge to do it but I know I need to go back to school. I simply need that to know that I can achieve something. Without, I'll always feel like a loser. I need to prove something to myself. And the only thing that I find really enjoyable is learning new things. This is the only hope I feel I have. I strongly feel my education is incomplete. I went to university when I was not ready for it. I simply wasted a lot of valuable opportunities because of that early start. And this is what I see as my way of fighting. I want to feel I've achieved something. I want to feel I've done it against the odds. I want to look in the mirror and feel that I know something I can feel proud of. I want to learn. I need to learn. I dream of getting a decent degree from a fairly decent school. But I'm old Tiredofvampires. Am I too old? Can someone please tell me? I need to know. I need to hear it again and again and again to reassure myself. It's unusual to see people in their 30s go for a Bachelor's degree. I need someone to clearly tell me whether I can do it or not. Whenever I have a bit of hope, it gets killed with what I read on websites... Have a look:

 

Students who have already earned a bachelor’s degree, at Yale or at another institution, are not eligible for degree enrollment in Yale College.

 

Even here in China, if you want a scholarship, you need to be below 25 if you're going for a Bachelor's Degree. Below 35 for a Master's.

 

I've just read it. Not that I was planning to go to Yale but it's yet another piece of infomration which says that people like me don't really get another chance... It simply makes me feel... depressed. So how am I supposed to get rid of the chains of age or the degrees I already have? The harsh reality is that education costs. A lot. It's all nice to read stories of people who got their degrees in their 40s or 50s but when it comes down to hard facts - money is a real killer. That's why I feel hopeless. How do I open doors that are closed?