My work destroyed my life. I have never felt as suicidal as I'm feeling today.

[mesmerized]

I see no way out of this. I've tried (look below) but I've got nothing to offer apparently in all aspects of life. Absolutely NOTHING. I've tried thinking of a solution and NOTHING comes to my mind.

 

1) My diplomas are worthless. The teaching credentials are not recognized outside my country. 5 years of studying for NOTHING.

2) I've tried applying for jobs in Taiwan and Korea - my experience (5 years of teaching) and diplomas (education-related) don't make any difference for them. I'm not a native-speaker of English and I don't hold a passport from one of the "chosen" countries where English is spoken as the first language.

3) Whenever I apply for teaching other subjects (literature or US history) I get rejected too.

 

So even if I wanted to teach, I hit the brick wall. Conclusion? My credentials and experience are worth NOTHING.

 

4) I've tried looking for schools I could go to and guess what? "Sorry, you already have a diploma. There's no funding for returning students."

5) Even if I had enough money to pay for everything, I'd be 34 or 35 at the end of the proces. With NO work experience in the new field. The only fields I've found that would be reasonable to go for are International Law, Educational Management or Human Resources. That's what once college counselor advised me. When I mentioned computer science he said "forget it, every teenager will outrun you." As far as I know lawyers don't start their careers at the age of 34 or 35. At such age they are already well-established in their field.

6) I have no health insurance and no social insurance. I'm basically a dead man if I get ill or injured. If I run out of money, I'll be left without anything. All I have is my savings. Nothing else.

7) I have nowhere to go to. Even my parents say that going back to my country would be a mistake.

 

My private/social life is NON-EXISTENT.

 

8 ) I haven't been with a girl for ages. I haven't felt love for anyone or from anyone for years. I haven't felt any warmth for eons. I haven't even felt that somene was attracted to me or the other way round. I haven't had sex for god knows how long. Even if I could get a one-night-stand I woulnd't go for it because I simply feel it'd be against my principles.

9) My life is locked in a small apartment. That's all.

 

I haven't seen ANY sense in life for so many years. I don't know why I'm still alive or what for. My former classmates post pictues of their children and I don't even have a girlfriend. I don't even have a career that I could delve into to forget about how disastrous my private life is. So what am I living for? 'Cause I think living just for dying doesn't make ANY sense at all.

[Peony19]

I'm dealing with the same exact thing at the moment. Ive been online trying to find guns to blow my brains out with, because i hate my job, we can't afford food, we're hungry and life just doesn't seem to be getting better. I was diagnosed w chronic depression 2 months ago when i tried killing myself by taking 150 pills. The police broke down my door and sent me there to the ER when i had oh deed and had been dying each time i fell asleep. they pumped my body w fluids all night long and hooked my whole body to an ekg. Now i have 10,000 dollars worth of hospital bills and the job i have now is only giving me 3 hours a week paying me 9.15. Today it snowed quiet bad to the point where they called me and told me not to come in. Now i don't have a pay check. I have a car that always needs maintenance and i go to school full time. You don't know how bad i want to blow my brains out and end it but the only thing stopping me is the fact that i can't afford the gun i saw online to do it.

 

After reading the post however, Ive come to realize that i am truly not alone is this crazy world and as stupid as it sounds now, life can get better if we find the motivation to get up and make a change. This is what society wants, they want us to struggle, how awesome would it feel to say "I beat the system"? Pretty damn great. I have a mother that needs me and ppl that care about me. I can't be selfish just bc things aren't going my way right now. I try not to let the darkness cloud my judgment and when it gets too hard i try to keep busy. I hope this not only helped you but everyone else in our similar situations. YOU ARE LOVED, I AM LOVED, WE ARE LOVED, and w faith we can over come this. I love you and Good Luck!!!

 

Lets not give up just yet your dreams are only beginning my love. This is the first step to success believe it or not.

[mesmerized]

[...] life can get better if we find the motivation to get up and make a change. This is what society wants, they want us to struggle, how awesome would it feel to say "I beat the system"? Pretty damn great. I have a mother that needs me and ppl that care about me. I can't be selfish just bc things aren't going my way right now. I try not to let the darkness cloud my judgment and when it gets too hard i try to keep busy. I hope this not only helped you but everyone else in our similar situations. YOU ARE LOVED, I AM LOVED, WE ARE LOVED, and w faith we can over come this. I love you and Good Luck!!!

 

Lets not give up just yet your dreams are only beginning my love. This is the first step to success believe it or not.

 

Thanks for your message Peony19. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling... Hope the debt won't crush your spirit... I don't want to undermine in any way what you wrote but I feel that I need to reiterate some of the points I made before. Have a look please at those 9 points I wrote in the previous post.

 

 

You have a few good reasons to feel hopeful so don't give up Peony. You're only 19 years old and you still go to school, which is awesome. If I could go back and shape my fate, I'd be so much happier. And you live in a country where employers won't tell you that your degree and diplomas are worth crap just because you are not American or Canadian or British. Plus, you live in a place where you can breathe. Literally. That's what I mean. Breathe the air and see blue skies.

 

I? I'm 30. With a crappy degree from a very average school and no prospects of getting employment because no matter how experienced I am or how much my students praise me, I'll still get rejected because I'm not from one of the 5 chosen countries. I can't even think of how I could possibly get further education. Schools don't provide funding for people like me. It's like... they seem to be saying You've already had your chance buddy, so don't bother us. A week ago the pollution index reached 400points. The World Health Organization says that the same index shouldn't be higher than 25points, otherwise it'll affect your health. 16 times higher. In LA, the pollution index goes up to 70points and people complain they can't breathe. Can you imagine a day when you simply can't see the buildings ahead of you? No, it's not a dreamy mist or fog that makes you feel good. It's smog that kills you. Cancer, heart attack, breathing disorders... you name it. I don't even have health insurance and after 4 years in China I'm bound to get cancer in the future. So no, there's no hope. There's no difference between dying now or in 15 years' time.

 

Like I said before... If you study for 5 years (and I mean -study- not "mess around") and then work hard for another 5 and at the end of the day someone says you're worth nothing then... Well, I guess you can see how it works. Not to mention my non-existent private life. It really sucks when you see how your fromer classmates have kids and family... How your co-workers enjoy life and make plans for the future... How easily the can just move to another place and get a job. Hearing about their relationships or even sex-stories is infuriating and depressing. Love? Sex? I don't even remember these words. Soon I'll forget they exist. I'll forget how to spell them.

 

Please read those 9 points because I feel that those who'll read them carefully will see that I have almost no options left.

[tiredofvampires]

Mesmerized, please hang in there.

 

I want to post on this thread, but can't do so right now, due to a hand injury I'm healing, but will be back soon. Please check back.

[tiredofvampires]

In the meantime, have a look at this link:

 

link removed

 

You've been asked before on this thread why you are not considering going to the US. You haven't answered, so I'm asking again, since the US is probably the very best chance you've got, as emigration, work, school opportunities go. You could get a student visa, and while I'm not familiar with the process, the US is not a hard country to travel to on a work or student visa, comparatively (it's certainly less restrictive than NZ!). The population is also the most diverse, with lots of niches for both studying and teaching. In many ways, the social and cultural aspects are far more liberal as well, which means less of the stigma that you are experiencing where you are. There is a lot of social judgment in the US too, and ageism does exist, but there is quite a lot more tolerance for different paths and alternative lifestyles compared to other, more traditionally-minded, homogenous countries like China. NO ONE would bat an eyelash in the U.S. if you sought a master's degree above a given age. It's so commonplace as to be considered almost a norm to advance your education later in your professional life. And there are many, many cities where you could put your work experience immediately to use in some capacity while pursuing another degree. You'd be WAY ahead of the kid of 20 supporting themselves with a Starbucks job.

 

With teacher shortages in many schools, you could probably also gain work full-time, if not a student (though I don't know the paperwork needed for that). You'd be a lot better off teaching remedial English, history, and your other subjects to kids in a place you have a better future/options in (socially, academically, professionally), than teaching privileged kids in a private prep school in a country you detest and see no future in.

 

One site of possible interest:

 

link removed

 

More to be said...that's just for starters...

[tiredofvampires]

So the short answer to this:

 

But I'm old Tiredofvampires. Am I too old? Can someone please tell me? I need to know. I need to hear it again and again and again to reassure myself. It's unusual to see people in their 30s go for a Bachelor's degree. I need someone to clearly tell me whether I can do it or not.

 

is NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

 

But is that going to convince you? Reassure you? If I or someone else says so? Especially when it's been said before and you've ignored that?

 

You are NOT too old -- like I said, and has been said by many people on this thread so far, your thinking is way off about that. It may be more acceptable in some countries than others (as I said, it's extremely commonplace in the US) to pursue 2nd or 3rd degrees, and later in life, but at 30, you ARE NOT OLD!!

 

It's all relative, though -- in Biblical times, you'd be dying around this age, as 30-40 was the average life span. So by Biblical standards, right now isn't the time to be thinking about further degrees, it's time to be thinking about nursing homes.

 

There is a way for you to leave China and seek another, better life somewhere else, using your talents and skills already developed. But it's going to have to start with an internal move. You will not be able to make any external changes until you make some internal ones.

 

Does that interest you at all?

 

The very first internal change is going to have to be quitting the thought process that you are too old and it's too late for you. Because if you keep thinking that way, every door will remain locked and useless to you. You won't be able to get outside of your box of thinking, and of course everything will seem a gloomy foregone conclusion.

 

We can keep reassuring you that you are not too old, and give you all kinds of examples to prove that your assumptions and perceptions are false, and harmful to you, but if you are not willing to part with this mindset, how do you think you're going to get out of this rut?

 

Do you agree that this obsession with your age is the number one thing standing in your way now?

 

And if so, do you think it's a good idea to confront and challenge it, especially given the proofs against it?

 

Or are you hellbent on sticking with a notion that is not serving your goals, and not moving forward because you're so busy looking backward?

 

And I don't know why you focus on the few examples of things you find on the internet that apply to only very specialized student populations and academic situations, like Yale. If you are looking at YALE as a part of your research for opportunity, no wonder you're depressed. It should go to show you how rigid and unrealistic and narrow-minded your approach -- who looks at YALE to figure out what their chances are of successful study in the US?? Let alone if you're a foreign student?

 

I'm quite unimpressed with your answer to my question about what you've been doing to investigate possibilities, given that kind of response. You're going to have to get a lot more creative and clever than that.

 

Finally, you say that school costs -- yes, you're right, it does. But that has very little to do with age. It costs for everyone, and being a "broke student" with loans to repay is not age-based. Unless you get a tuition waiver, scholarship, or are in a program which will excuse loan debt under certain conditions, this is a problem all students deal with, whether they are 20, 30, or 50 -- and they make it work.

 

For what it's work, many of my friends in my age bracket are either in school or considering it (and as I told you earlier in this thread, I was recently acquainted with a lawyer -- only 7 years into his practice -- who is in his 50's, who doubles as a college math instructor [his previous career]). I'm sure he sat through most of his classes with kids half his age or more. Didn't stop him (even though there is more ageism in the law field than other fields, which you would be considering). Of course, anecdotes are worthless if you're going to ignore them as answers to your question, "is it possible?"

 

Looks like I got my hand working somehow, haha. Where there's a will, mesmerized, there's a way.

[mesmerized]

Is there anybody out there... still?

[tiredofvampires]

What's going on, mesmerized?

[chitown9]

I am still out here.... What steps have you taken to get out of the rut? chi

[Anthony01]

Mesmerized, you've been given a lot of advice from some great people, but I want to chime in on a few aspects that haven't been previously addressed. You speak a lot about how unhappy you are in your job, and also that you are quite lonely. You feel quite powerless, and are throwing around a lot of blame for your situation, with a lot of that blame being self-directed at some of the choices you've made in your past.

 

As tiredofvampires said, I believe you have more power than you realize. It is only that you are not seeing things clearly, and taking the a few steps back to look at your situation objectively would do you wonders. For example, regarding your loneliness, you stated that part of the reason you came to China was to find an asian girl. Well, from what I understand of the Chinese culture is that they are quite insular as compared to western standards. Chinese women typically want to date (and marry) Chinese men that come from good backgrounds, and being the only child in the family, have a lot of pressure to do so. With China's one-child policy, there are now more Chinese men than women, and with such abundant supply, it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that a westerner living in China may not be the first choice for most women there. There are exceptions of course, but this may play a significant role. Try not to limit yourself to just one type of person, as you may actually connect better with someone that at first glance may not seem to have much in common with you.

 

As for your job situation, you have repeated many times that you wish you had a better degree, and that you feel too old. First, as others have already pointed out, you are not too old to obtain another degree. However, with everything you have said, I'm wondering if that is even the best choice for you? For instance, let's say that you obtain a Software Engineering degree, as you alluded to in one of your posts. As someone who has such a degree, I can assure you that even with such a degree, it takes a lot of work. Typically jobs only last a few years, as projects come and go, and the technology changes. It takes a lot of effort to keep one's skills current, and one is always competing with the younger crowd. When the projects are there the pay is good, but there are also periods of unemployment, and one has to be extremely disciplined to make it work. My advice would be to leverage what you already have as best you can, before throwing yourself into a new field of study, especially one that is in constant flux like software. The grass may not be greener on the other side, and you don't want to spend years of studying just to find out you are still in the same rut.

 

In terms of your teaching the "spoiled" rich children of Chinese parents, also remember that with China's one-child policy, each child is dotted with a lot of attention and is made to feel king, regardless of class. However, as one of their teachers, you actually have a unique opportunity to make a difference with the children, and could change their views of the world. For instance, if you believe they lack ethics, then teach them such! Show examples and pictures from the second world war, so they really understand the horrors that happened. There is no sense just complaining to your boss about it, as it is clear that the school you teach at only exists to make money. However, once you are in front of the class, you actually have the power to do something! Show slides of how people were treated at different periods in history, to provide the context to help them build empathy. They may very well become better people later in life because of what you do.

 

As well, you also have the possibility of leveraging these connections through your students. Richer families often have contacts that could be valuable to you in finding the next step for your career. Instead of seeing their children as barbaric (and showing your distaste in front of them), instead you could offer to teach them individually. Not only would you make some side money to help you save, but you can also get to know the parents and the family. This could lead to other, better positions for which you may be suitable.

 

In the end, do you know the difference between someone stuck in the mud, and someone reaching for the stars? Perspective. By taking a step back, you may discover that your situation is not nearly as bad as it seems. Please do keep us posted.

[mesmerized]

I've made several attempts at writing here a few lines and each time I failed. I'll try again tomorrow. Thank you for all the new posts, Tiredofvampires, Chi and Anthony (thanks for that long one, much appreciated)

 

I think the problem lies somewhere else... It's me. Something is very, very wrong with my existence. I'm trying to persuade myself that a new degree, a new job, a new country will change something and maybe they would but today I feel that it's all pointless. Like a broken pencil. I don't know how to explain it but I think that I'll always feel this way. Until the end of my life. And that's very, very sad. All these attmepts are merely distractions.

 

I'll add few lines tomorrow but... somewhere deep inside I know that it's all over before it could even begin. It's me. I was never supposed to be here. I wish I had no-one to leave in the world and I suppose that is one of the reasons why I've started avoiding people.

[tiredofvampires]

Didn't you say that depression runs in your family?

 

I rarely purely boil things down to chemicals…but chemicals are the fuel of thoughts, and where clinical depression is concerned, these chemical imbalances are very real and powerful, and make you feel/think of things that seem absolutely real and true. But there is a mirage effect going on.

 

When people get into "I never should have been here" types of thinking, this is pretty classic of a Major Depressive Disorder.

 

In truth, you belong no less in this world than any animal that has been born to experience this life. Your own mind has created a reality (so your own mind is the place where the defect lies, not your existence), and it has nothing to do with the cosmic reality of your appearance in this material world. Do animals ever think, "I should have never been here?" Do we ever look at a cat or bird and think, "That animal should have never been here"? That one, specifically. All the other birds are fine, but that one should have never been born?

 

Have you ever seriously worked with a good psychiatrist and tried pharmacological intervention?

[mesmerized]

Hello there,

 

It's really hard to work if you have your mind full of those thoughts. I'll quickly post a few things... Sorry for the typos or labguage errors and mistakes. I'm typing it fast and recently my English has on its way down the hill.

 

1) Yes, I did have meetings with a psychologist and I was prescribed lots of various meds a few years ago. The psychologist never really helped and the meds were always a temporary solution. I had meds for a long time, sometimes on and off but yes I did try to go that path. See point no.2

 

2) The problem in my case is simply the situation. No psychologist and no meds can alter it. It determines my mood. My dissatisfaction with my education and work has been growing over the years and it reached its culminating point here in China. I simply HATE being in this country (see point 3) and I simply CAN'T teach my whole life (see point 4)

 

3) China dehumanizes you. People here are mostly pushy and narrow-minded. They lack common sense, they sometimes act like animals. Yesterday on the subway they nearly broke my arm because they simply would not wait for others to get out. Every single time between 5 and 6 it's a fight for survival. It's like survival of the fittest. If you want to survive, you HAVE to get rid of your humane side. You HAVE to push others. You have to behave like a wild beast here. For Chinese on the subway, it doesn't matter if you are blind, on a wheelchair or a pregnant woman. They will push you, no, they will throw you to the ground if they have to. I have an extremely bad opinion about these people here in Shanghai. In the countryside it's better. People are less educated but way kinder. So if you don't play along these rules, you're gone. And I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be in a city where the smallest act of kindness is like a diamond you are unlikely to find. People stare at me when I say "thank you" or "goodbye" here. The act surprised when I let them go through the door first. They NEVER open the door for you. They NEVER hold the door for you. They ALWAYS jump the line, they NEVER stop when you're crossing the street on the zebra. And so on and so forth. The majority of the population (at least here) is completely devoid of manners or culture. Some of them just take a piss right next to you, spit everywhere, or do worse things. I've lived here for 3,5 years and I will NEVER learn to accept that. I'm very open-minded but I'll never be able to live here and I'll never be able to fully adapt. This country has been destroying its own cultural heritage since the Cultural Revolution and (unlike in Taiwan) its roots and traditions are either long forgotten or being replaced by greed and power of money. Most rich Chinese buy they way out of the country by investment immigration in Australia, Canada or the US.

 

I'm not saying I haven't met kind people here in China but for the past 6 months my impressions have been of very, very negative type. Perhaps its Shanghai that have ruined my previous experiences that were much more positive.

 

Pollution here is outrageously high. It's beyond imagination and no words can describe it. People in LA complain when pollution goes up to 50 or 70 points, which rarely happens anyway from what I've read but when it does people say they can't breathe (WHO says it shouldn't be higher than 25 points) Here? it's ALWAYS above 100. On average it's between 140 - 180. On bad days (most of the time in winter) it goes over 200 and sometimes reaches 280 and more. There are days when the smog is so dense that you have a serious headache, your heart beats faster, and you get chest pains. I cough every single day and I know I'm growing cancer here. It has been confirmed that after several years in China you simply are likely to get cancer when you're 50. It's bound to happen. There was a huge scandal a month ago when a mother, a famous jounralist, published on-line her documentary movie about pollution in China. Her little daughter has been suffering from respiratory problems... The video was taken down by the officials a week after it was released.

 

Don't get me started on food quality. It's enough to say that on average I had more stomach issues in a month here than in 20 years of my life in other places.

 

4) I don't want to teach. I simply don't want to teach anymore. At least for a while. I don't know if it's just this place or what but this job makes me SICK. Yeah, I was chosen as one of only two teachers who were given "excellent" apprisal at school. Yeah, the students love my classes and I know I can do my job well. Better than others, possibly. It's not easy to inspire 29 students to actively contribute to the class, discussion and in-class activities. Chinese students are very passive but I managed to make them like history. Those kids come to me and say that I changed their view of history, that they used to hate history and now they like or love it... I got a message from a student saying that it's a great honor to receive praise from me and she thanked me for that as if I were a miracle maker. I get positive signs almost every day. The boss of the school/company came to observe my class last week and afterwards went to the academic director and said "the class was marvelous, we have to employ teachers like him" Only me and my Dutch co-worker (who used to teach in one of the best schools in Amsterdam, Holland - and btw. regrets a lot that she left and is planning to go back after this semester) got that kind of apprisal. But... SO WHAT? This school is a dead end. There's no personal development and I'm simply sick and tired of being stuck here. Money doesn't really do the job anymore and it's not that good anyway. After all:

 

- I don't have any social insurance and I'm already 30.

- I don't have any health insurance.

- All the money that I've saved sooner or later will have to go into healthcare (because there is no way my health doesn't suffer from what I'm experiencing here in China, not to mention how my mental condition affects my body)

 

The only reason why I'm still in China is because I'm hoping to improve my Chinese but with my everyday anxiousness I'm making very slow progress.

 

5) The most horrifying thing is that even if I wanted to go back to my country, my teaching experience wouldn't even matter because one - the subjects I teach are not taught in my country at high-schools and b - I would be starting from the very bottom and earning literally nothing for the first 2 years. I have a friend who is a high-school teacher - still living with her parents and unable to make ends meet. Thise subjects are taught at university level but you need a PhD if you wanna get a job there and it's not granted anyway that you will get one. I know I'm a really good teacher, perhaps even a brilliant one... and I do love history, I do love literature... but I can't do it here, I simply can't.

 

That's why I feel like a complete loser. And I've developed a lot of hatred towards China. I used to love it but with each and every year it's just worse and worse. I have two degrees, fairly good command of every-day Chinese, good English (that has been getting worse, but anyway), basic German, a whole lot of teaching experience and a number of other smaller things... and what? I feel like a bloody failure. I have no idea where to go or what to do.

 

PS This is what I've tried to do in order to get out of this situation:

 

- Had a few discussions with our college counselor.

- Got in touch with my former professor who suggested that I should go after a PhD in the US but admits that it's unlikely that I'll be able to get a job there afterwards unless I prove to be an extremely special student and write a one-in-a-million PhD thesis. And for me it's a deal-breaker 'cause if I devoted 5 years of my life to get a PhD, I'd be aiming at university-level teaching jobs.

- Looked for immigration possibilities in Australia. Result - as a person over 30 it's way harder than in case of people below 30.

- Checked a number of universities in order to find new possibilities.

- Signed up for Chinese classes to improve my language capabilities.

[mesmerized]

PS This is what I've tried to do in order to get out of this situation:

 

- Had a few discussions with our college counselor.

- Got in touch with my former professor who suggested that I should go after a PhD in the US but admits that it's unlikely that I'll be able to get a job there afterwards unless I prove to be an extremely special student and write a one-in-a-million PhD thesis. And for me it's a deal-breaker 'cause if I devoted 5 years of my life to get a PhD, I'd be aiming at university-level teaching jobs.

- Looked for immigration possibilities in Australia. Result - as a person over 30 it's way harder than in case of people below 30.

- Checked a number of universities in order to find new possibilities.

- Signed up for Chinese classes to improve my language capabilities.

 

Can't edit the post anymore. I wanted to add one more point to that list.

 

- I've also checked numerous job offers in various fields and the result was that I felt even more worthless. The requirements are just goddamn high. Again I realized that I can't get employed with what I know and what I have. There was one offer that I tried applying for but my Chinese wasn't good enough.

 

I've recently slept 4 - 5 hours a night and tried to run on coffee. I'm drinking the 3rd one right now and my eyelids are still closing. This crazy lifestyle of mine isn't just pointless - it's seems to be pure madness. I was hoping that Chinese would be my ace, my joker... but I'm simply exhausted after work and can't study efficiently and effectively.

[chitown9]

Just a few points...have you looked into getting an air purifier? It would help you so much to have one for your bedroom.

 

I think that you would be so much happier in the United States. I would try to come to the US in any way that you can.

 

In what way is learning Chinese so beneficial to you?

 

Thanks ....looking forward to your answers. chi

[Superfox28]

All I hear is what you hate. I know it is hard when you do this, but you need to look around and surely there is one or two things that you love, that you appreciate. Practice gratitude, count your blessings, when you focus on what you love and want then you will see a difference in your life. Focus on what you hate then you will attract negative things. Read the book the secret. Read positive psychology. It will change your life. Positive thinking!!!!!!!!!

[mesmerized]

All I hear is what you hate. I know it is hard when you do this, but you need to look around and surely there is one or two things that you love, that you appreciate. Practice gratitude, count your blessings, when you focus on what you love and want then you will see a difference in your life. Focus on what you hate then you will attract negative things. Read the book the secret. Read positive psychology. It will change your life. Positive thinking!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks for your insights but, with all due respect, I don't feel you understand what's it like to be in my shoes. Try doing a job you detest in a country where you're a stranger and the air is unbreathable. And then add being single and feeling lonely plus lack of perspectives to that. And throw in no medical insurance, regular stomach issues and pm 2.5 destroying your lungs. Focus on what I love? Sure, I love playing guitar. How exactly is it helping me to get a real career? It's not.

[mesmerized]

Just a few points...have you looked into getting an air purifier? It would help you so much to have one for your bedroom.

 

I think that you would be so much happier in the United States. I would try to come to the US in any way that you can.

 

In what way is learning Chinese so beneficial to you?

 

Thanks ....looking forward to your answers. chi

 

Hi Chi, thanks for the message.

 

1) Yes, you're right. An air-purifier would be good to have... However, with my everlasting "should-I-stay-or-should-I-go" attitude, spending 1000USD on a decent one doesn't exactly evoke excitement.

 

2) I'm sure I'd be happier in the US... But I don't know how to get in... After all, the US isn't an immigration-friendly country anymore... Those days are bygone days I guess... I have no idea how to break the "immigration-wall"

 

3) As for Chinese... I don't really know anymore why I'm learning it... I just wanted to finally be able to say that I have a skill that few others have (I mean, few Westerners) And... my former professor told me that if I got a PhD and could communicate in Chinese, then with my 2 other languages I could possibly start a career in diplomacy... But I don't see that coming to be honest... That'd would require of me about 5-8 years of studying really hard in some super expensive top schools I can't even afford. Plus, I don't think it'd be enough to move to that field because as far as I know, most people who are in diplomacy started very early in their life...

 

At this point, I'm only getting more and more anxious. One guy said to me a few days ago "Just take all your money, go on a trip around the world, enjoy your life for one year like you never have before... and then jump off the cliff" He was kidding of course, but... at the end of the day... What's worse? Living in this constant limbo full of anxiousness for another 20 years or... finally getting to know what it feels like to enjoy life at least for a short moment. One way or another, things are gonna end anyway.

 

It reminds me of a story by Kurt Vonnegut... "Harrison Bergron" ... More to come later...

[lifesatrip]

Wow, I can totally appreciate your disgust for the way your school is run and your disgust with the privilege of the kids you teach. Have you ever thought about getting involved with a project to bring education to poor, rural areas? I don't know how feasible it would be to teach in such a school, but if you could manage it, it seems like it would be a lot more meaningful.

 

You say there is nothing worth living for in your life. What about your girlfriend? Are you guys just not that close or compatible? If so maybe you should break up. If you can't change your career situation at the moment, can you try to meet new people/make connections with people who might be of kindred spirit? (Maybe through volunteer work?) I realize that you said you are exhausted, so maybe that is difficult. Is there anything you can change about your daily routine, diet, exercise etc. that would help you feel more rested? If you have enough money, maybe you should take a vacation for a while to recuperate. It sounds like you are really burned out. Do you think you would be able find another job if you were to do that?

 

You say you have not experienced any self-development in three years. Perhaps you need to seek self-development outside your career. You could focus on developing closer relationships with people (developing your relationship skills). I guarantee that this would probably make you feel a lot happier and more fulfilled. You could also develop your intellectual skills through reading about issues that matter to you and could be useful in a potential job down the road. There are lots of online communities to share your ideas and participate in discussions.

 

I would also suggest looking into meditation and mindfulness if you haven't already done so.

 

Maybe you can move to a English speaking country in the future. Have you done research to see what skills are in demand in different countries?

 

Is there anything you can do other than teaching in your current country?

 

Also, if you can see a therapist or psychiatrist that might help, since you are so depressed. Have you ever tried depression medications? It might help you manage the stress and feel more confident, which would help you feel more competent, and give you the confidence and motivation to keep developing yourself etc.

 

Anyway, I know you are in a really difficult situation and wish you the best.

[chitown9]

I would like to reflect on some of the things that you mentioned, but in response to the air purifier, my answer to that is, "Get one!" I know that you are undecided about whether to stay or to go, but in the meanwhile, you will get a tremendous relief from the bad air and that in itself may clarify your thinking about the whole matter.:star: In addition to that, you can sell the air purifier if you leave. True, you will not be able to get the price that you buy it, but you will have reaped the rewards of using it in the meantime. Food for thought.

 

I had a Japanese student in my home that wanted to live in the United States. He happened to like to cook. He saw an ad in an international magazine for sushi cheifs in a chain restaurant in the USA. He came to the USA on a work visa and opened a one of their new restaurants in Florida where he still lives to this day. Food for thought. chi

[mesmerized]

There is no way out of this. The facts are plain and simple.

 

- I cannot get a job in any other field because I have no experience in anything outside of teaching.

- I am almost 31 years old. It's almost impossible to change my career now. People of my age are already CEOs, managers or have other positions somewhere up on the ladder.

- I haven't been with a girl for years. I don't even know how to talk with women anymore. Let alone have something intimate. I've always been this naive idealist but what's the point anyway? Perhaps I should go and find a prostitue to at least feel for a second what it feels like to be close with someone?

- I have no pleasures in life.

- I'm done with this emptiness and complete lack of any sense of meaning.

 

It's obvious to me what's gonna happen. I'll be 31 and then 32. There is a very good offer from a very good school here in China but the vacancy will be available in a year if I'm lucky enough to get the job anyway. Then I'll sign the contract for 2 years and then it will be my end. 34 years, no girlfriend, no chance for any other job, no chance for studies.

 

Truth to be told - I don't know anything. My skills are useless. Even my English has gone down the drain. I have no practical skills. Nothing.

 

I feel like a complete loser and I want to end this. I don't care if it's called depression or what. I just want that one pill. I will pay everything I have. I'm willing to pay 20,000 USD for it. I just want to swallow it and be done with this this ing miserable life of mine.

[faraday]

I don't know what to say. People have given you so much great advice...but you can't seem to look beyond the box you've put yourself in.

 

I'm 31. Most of my friends just have jobs. None of them own companies, or are high up...or doing anything particularly ambitious with their careers...but they all have joy outside of that. They have friends, hobbies...passions...outside of their work.

 

You make your own happiness. And I'm not saying, snap out of depression...I'm saying, you have the power to change it....by getting on meds, and taking an active role in creating a meaningful life....I don't know what to say to you that hasn't been said

[mesmerized]

I don't know what to say. People have given you so much great advice...but you can't seem to look beyond the box you've put yourself in.

 

I'm 31. Most of my friends just have jobs. None of them own companies, or are high up...or doing anything particularly ambitious with their careers...but they all have joy outside of that. They have friends, hobbies...passions...outside of their work.

 

You make your own happiness. And I'm not saying, snap out of depression...I'm saying, you have the power to change it....by getting on meds, and taking an active role in creating a meaningful life....I don't know what to say to you that hasn't been said

 

With all due respect - if I were living in Canada where the skies are blue every day, I'd feel way better too. It all sounds good: "create a meaningful life" or "go and get it" or "we control our lives" etc. How about being rejected work opportunities based on your nationality? How about doing a job that you hate? How about breathing 25 times more of PM2.5 and PM10 than the norms say you can? How about not having any social insurance? How about not having any medical insurance? How about your academic director not being at work 3/4 of the time and yet evaluating you low because she's holding personal grudges against you because you were the only one who stood up against her saying that the students deserve proper textbooks in their hands?

 

Sorry but all this "it's all up to you" philosophy is just not real.

[catfeeder]

Mez, you're your own jailer. If you have 20K to spend on a pill that may or may not work, you've got the money to fly yourself home and start over again with a new direction as your target. Or, you can pop a pill with no guarantees that you won't need to start over again from a Chinese hospital bed.

 

Nobody here can talk you into or out of anything. Your only goal appears to be to snuff out any positive support--so how, exactly, would you like us to help you?

[mesmerized]

Mez, you're your own jailer. If you have 20K to spend on a pill that may or may not work, you've got the money to fly yourself home and start over again with a new direction as your target. Or, you can pop a pill with no guarantees that you won't need to start over again from a Chinese hospital bed.

 

Nobody here can talk you into or out of anything. Your only goal appears to be to snuff out any positive support--so how, exactly, would you like us to help you?

 

Like I said before... I'll never fly home. There is no "home". I'll never go back to that place. I'd rather worry myself to death here in China than go back there.