My work destroyed my life. I have never felt as suicidal as I'm feeling today.

[lerenard]

Like I said before... I'll never fly home. There is no "home". I'll never go back to that place. I'd rather worry myself to death here in China than go back there.

 

That is your problem. I don't know where exactly you are from, but I am from a very small post soviet country myself, and I found the guts to go back home after several years in amazing Bavaria, because I couldn't work there anymore, because my friend that also happened to be my boss died. Just like that.

I came back to my "sh*tty" country with no savings, no job, no home and no friends here, besides one guy, but with PTSD, with a knowledge that there is a man in this city that wants and tried to kill me twice, with such hate towards this place and with no positive outlook on life at all...

 

I am happier now (3 years later) than I ever was in my life. I found a job, I found as well that my country evolved a lot and is still evolving, and even though I am not planning on staying here forever, I like it here now, I live in the capital, and capital of ANY country is a pretty busy place with tons of opportunities. I also found a biggest circle of friends I ever had, I found the man I love with my whole heart, and I am happy because I can see my family a lot more often. And let me tell you - I NEVER thought I will stay here for so long, and I will gain so much in this place. NEVER!

 

Please give yourself a chance, step over your own "I would never" and try to find your happiness.

[blueidealist24]

I'm not in this thread very much, but it's not too late to start a new career in your early 30s. Definitely not at all. People have done it in their 40s and 50s out of necessity.

[mesmerized]

Things have been going down the hill recently (as if they could get even lower)

 

I've been trying to go over job offers here in China but all I see all the time is: senior IT specialist, senior manager, senior CSR analyst, senior this or senior that... I don't have any energy or hope left in me. My life is full of two things - solitude and lack of perspectives. I can't find a job, I can't even apply for a job because I don't have the skills. And I'm only getting older, which means that acquairing those skills is a whole different story. I haven't felt any joy for god knows how long. I don't even remember the last time I could relax and forget about all those worries. I can't sleep well and today had another attack of those chest pains that completely immobilized me for 20minutes or so.

 

My work has been affected too. A few students noticed (and complained) that I'm not teaching as I used to, that my classes got much worse... It's hard for me to go through 2 periods back to back... I hate this job so much that it started showing. I grade slowly... I'm 2 weeks behind basically, but I just can't stand looking at those papers... I prepare for classes at the last moment and do whatever I can to postpone the process...

 

On the weekends I sleep most of the time because I'm simply tired of being worried all the time.

 

Life without love is pointless. Life without perspectives is pointless. I don't know where this is going to end, I don't know when... but I do know it has to end and even if it ends with me ending my own life, at least that's some kind of liberation. At least I won't feel chest pains, at least I won't think of suicide 4 out of 7 days a week, at least I won't get depressed by all those jobs that I can't even apply for, at least I won't have those longing thoughts every time I see a woman or a girl... most importantly AT LEAST I WON'T FEEL EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF MY EXISTENCE THAT I WASTED MY CHANCES AND WASTED MY LIFE. For you out there this sounds ridiculous but for me the very thought of having SOME peace of mind is SO LIBERATING. Non-existence is SO MUCH better than this !@#$% up state of mind.

 

The thought that I lost this big game of life scares the hell out of me. The fact that I'm so behind in every single skill destroys my self-considence. Some of the job offers I've seen... I don't even know what some headings say. My degrees are useless, my skills are useless. I made a wrong choice years ago. I should have never taken those majors.

 

I used to be a handsome guy with a sense of humor. Now I'm a lonely wreck who can't even get a decent job. 4 or 5 years of living a life of misery is enough. What's the point of living another year like that? Another month? Another day? Even another hour?

[chitown9]

I am thinking that you are sleeping on the weekend due to depression. Is it possible for you to take a vacation? Perhaps a vacation would help you to gain a different perspective on your life. Also, you would have the opportunity to meet new people. chi

[mesmerized]

I am thinking that you are sleeping on the weekend due to depression. Is it possible for you to take a vacation? Perhaps a vacation would help you to gain a different perspective on your life. Also, you would have the opportunity to meet new people. chi

 

Thanks Chi. Unfortunately that won't help much. I have to have a different job. A different career. Otherwise, this one will kill me. I've just asked my co-worker to take my tomorrow's classes 'cause I simply can't stand being there, facing those kids. I feel so much hatred towards teaching that I simply won't bare it any longer. And the fact that I can't get any other job is only making things worse. I simply cannot teach a single day longer. I can't. I absolutely detest my current job and lack of opportunities for anything within my current profession.

 

I have never done this before but this weekend I'll just drown myself in alcohol. There's no other way. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. But I hope I won't get to see how much stronger I'll get out of it. I'm done. I really am. I'm so sick of everything around me. I can't face another month of being in this state of mind.

[faraday]

Quit your job. Move somewhere else- anywhere else. You hate China, so go to any other country that you can get to....

 

All I hear from you is "I can't". Well, if you don't change something, nothing will change. You have to take action- any action- or every day will be the same.

[mesmerized]

Quit your job. Move somewhere else- anywhere else. You hate China, so go to any other country that you can get to....

 

All I hear from you is "I can't". Well, if you don't change something, nothing will change. You have to take action- any action- or every day will be the same.

 

Yeah, but I can't just move to another place without having a job. I need to have something, something that will let me survive at least. I have some family in Canada, perhaps that could be a way, but they are struggling too and it's not easy to get into the country unless you have a job lined up.

 

The problem is my profession, not so much the country itself. I'd like China way more if I had a different career.

[faraday]

You're not going to change unless you get desperate. Even more desperate than you are now. Quit your job. Apply for new jobs, even ones you don't qualify for. Apply for everything.

[mesmerized]

You're not going to change unless you get desperate. Even more desperate than you are now. Quit your job. Apply for new jobs, even ones you don't qualify for. Apply for everything.

 

I have. 50 different job offers and not a single reply. That's because they all consider me to be a teacher and let's face it - my degrees are useless. More desperate than this? Yeah, a bloody bullet into my head would solve the problem. Have you read the previous two posts? Do you think there's anything more desperate than that? I don't know if you realize how insanely difficult it is to get a job. Even here. Even though I speak decent Chinese.

[faraday]

I have. 50 different job offers and not a single reply. That's because they all consider me to be a teacher and let's face it - my degrees are useless. More desperate than this? Yeah, a bloody bullet into my head would solve the problem. Have you read the previous two posts? Do you think there's anything more desperate than that? I don't know if you realize how insanely difficult it is to get a job. Even here. Even though I speak decent Chinese.

 

What do you want from people posting?

[chitown9]

Hi ....just thought a vacation would give you a break and an opportunity to meet new people with new ideas. I really think you need to get away from that place, even if it is for a short time. I know, and you know, that get skunk drunk this weekend is NOT a good idea. Alcohol is a depressant, and I know that you know that too....so please do not go that road. You are spinning out of control now. Can you please get some professional help? I think of you there...in China....and there is nothing that I can really do. I wish I could just come to you and sit with you and work this out together. chi

[mesmerized]

What do you want from people posting?

 

Hello. No need to get upset. I have tried what you suggested. What I appreciate about each and every post is when people read what I've written in those longish posts and they respond to those with whatever ideas they might have. I know the situation is hopeless but perhaps someone has a different perspective on these matters... Although... I tend to see no way out of this... So maybe you're right, maybe there's no way.

[mesmerized]

Hi ....just thought a vacation would give you a break and an opportunity to meet new people with new ideas. I really think you need to get away from that place, even if it is for a short time. I know, and you know, that get skunk drunk this weekend is NOT a good idea. Alcohol is a depressant, and I know that you know that too....so please do not go that road. You are spinning out of control now. Can you please get some professional help? I think of you there...in China....and there is nothing that I can really do. I wish I could just come to you and sit with you and work this out together. chi

 

Thanks Chi. Glad to hear that you haven't given up on me yet 'cause I feel so lonely here now. Loneliness is such a burden... Today I've read an article about aging... about how our bodies slow down as the process goes on... I got scared... Really scared.

 

I've felt so overwhelemed by everything today... I hate this feeling of heaviness in my throat...

 

A few days ago I was rejected by a company where I thought I had chances of getting a job... This is what they said, I'm quoting:

 

"Thank you for your interest. We think you've done well, but frankly speaking we have better choices"

 

God, I don't know what to do... How many more days will I think and re-think everything over and over and over again without coming to any conclusions? I'm so lost, I don't know where to go, what to do... I'm drifting...

 

I've started taking meds but they help just a bit. I knew it would be like that. Meds won't solve the problem of my career and personal life, or lack thereof

[chitown9]

I remember that you had a girlfriend, but I also remember that you pretty much encouraged her to leave you....so I am I am guessing that is what happened.

 

I still think that you should take a little vacation. Just a change of scenery would be good for you. Please give that idea some serious thought. chi

[mesmerized]

I remember that you had a girlfriend, but I also remember that you pretty much encouraged her to leave you....so I am I am guessing that is what happened.

 

I still think that you should take a little vacation. Just a change of scenery would be good for you. Please give that idea some serious thought. chi

 

I had a GF but I moved to a different city in China and she had to stay in the one I used to live. It wouldn't have worked anyway as she was very different from me.

 

Today I took part in the graduation ceremony of grade 12 students... Lots of people came... from so many universities... ing pompous bastards. Talking about bright future and "world leaders". Bloody clowns. Those kids are so young, they have so many possibilities... They are all going to the US to study. And me? Where did I end up? Doing a job I hate? With no perspectives for the future? Drinking all alone? One of these days I'll have the courage to swallow the whole med box with a bottle of vodka and **** those ***ers who have chances for a real life. **** those who actually feel loved. **** those who get their degrees from fancy universities. **** those ***ers from skyscrapers. **** them all. **** them and their future.

 

I was in love only once in my life and it's not gonna happen again. I want to do what Chris McCandless did it in Into the Wild. It's time to be selfish. It's time to do something for myself. I don't care what others are gonna think. I don't care about those bloody idiots who think they know better. You can judge me, the whole world can judge me, but you will never know what I feel. So don't tell me about how my parents will feel. I have to think about myself now. I didn't ask to be in this hellhole.

 

Did I ask for too much? A warm hand to hold? A job I'd feel passionate about? Education I could be proud of?

 

To end your life takes a lot of courage. All this blah blah blah about being a coward is worthless. People don't respect those who simply want to have a choice. They impose their opinions on others with complete disregard for their feelings. Everyone should have a right to end their life. But no, those wise guys claim they know better even though they have no idea how we feel.

[tiredofvampires]

It's time to do something for myself.

 

I agree. Right now you're not doing anything for yourSELF -- you're doing things for the idea of who you are supposed to be and who you need to prove yourself to, blah blah blah. You have this whole big story about "mesmerized": What He Should Have Been Doing With His Life, and you're going to live and die a martyr for that story.

 

Stop this. Stop this martyring yourself for a story that needs to be re-written, is a working draft that needs to be chucked, and start doing something for YOURSELF INSTEAD. You're living (and dying) for a story -- not for mesmerized.

 

To end your life takes a lot of courage.

 

You know what takes more courage?

 

Taking a wild leap, like Chris McCandless, into the "wild". Chris didn't go to die, he wasn't seeking death -- he went to drop all his previous conditioning and to live by his wits, the skin of his teeth, and close to the edge.

 

So yeah, I agree, that's what you need to do.

 

He was a proud and foolish man, so he ended up dead in the process, so you don't have to end up like him. But you're not likely to die in a big city like Chicago or Seattle or New York or Los Angeles -- you'll have some way of surviving. That would be your "wild", wouldn't it? Because right now, that scares you more shtless than even dying. How about trying that out for having some brass balls, before you do something bold that takes a lot less creativity?

 

And how will you survive? By getting a visa to work like every other foreigner/immigrant in the U.S. (or millions of native citizens as well), waiting tables, stocking shelves, driving taxis, or anything else you can do by day, and by night teaching Asian immigrants (which is why a big metropolitan area in the US with lots of Asians is the right place for you). Perhaps you can advertise to Chinese students, teaching them English history, literature, and language (which I think you've said you also have taught?) in night classes at community colleges. Lots of adults take evening classes for continuing education, and there are a lot trying to get their citizenship who could use such courses that you'd craft yourself, to appeal to this demographic. Create your own class, your own target audience -- there are a lot of niches out there for alternative learners. You'd make your background as a multi-lingual person work for you in a country where lots of older and foreign students are intimidated by English and would readily take a class taught by someone who is functionally fluent in their native tongue to communicate with them (or you can teach those from your own home country). And these students would be eager to learn, polite, mature, and without all the qualities that anger you so much about the types of students you're teaching now.

 

You'd live with a couple of housemates, you'd keep on a tight budget, but you'd live the life of millions of Americans who are currently slaving away in this country for a better life -- only you'd have far more earning potential and could plan a strategy along the way with more and more resume notches in your belt as you went along. It would just be the longer way around.

 

Anything at this point would probably make you happier than what you're doing now, including being a salesclerk in a city where you have a chance to plan a new path, and buying yourself some time to do that.

 

The problem is, every time this option is raised, you dodge it -- and start talking about your re-education and admissions obstacles for older students at Yale, and other dismissive nonsense. You still haven't provided a single good reason not to leave China and go to the U.S., with a plan to live as the urban Chris McCandless. You're going to need a lot more "get out of your comfort zone" spirit to do what Chris did -- but it's entirely do-able. Time to start channeling him then.

 

Chris was escaping the trappings of "status" -- are you ready to take that leap for your happiness?

 

Is there anything in between Your Perfect Academic Vision and DEATH? At least starting with an interim alternate plan that just gets you out of China, just for the sake of itself, without all the rest of your map figured out?

 

Suicide is all about tunnel vision. No one who contemplates or commits suicide is thinking creatively or with their blinders off, seriously looking at the big picture and all their alternatives. You're no exception. Do you want that to be you?

 

Writers have to sometimes throw away the draft they've been cherishing and working on for months or even years. Why? Because it's not working anymore, and it has to radically change. It's so hard to toss out something you've invested so much in, but when you're in a rut, it's the brave thing. Life is telling you that you have an opportunity now to re-write the story, but you're so wed to the tale that is started, you'd rather write a lousy ending just to keep it consistent than actually start from a fresh page and write a really great story.

 

You can do that -- you totally can. Write a really great story, and one day be telling someone somewhere that you used to teach English in China, and they'd raise their eyebrows in surprise and say, "Wow, really?" And you'd get to tell about how you left that life. How good would that feel?

[tiredofvampires]

And I'd like to add, for all your complaining about how the students you teach lead these privileged lives with lofty goals that are out of touch with people who don't have such lives, I must say you're playing out a similar script in some ways. You won't "stoop" to some "lower" job, as a concept, even for a while to get established somewhere else. You won't consider anything but another degree, and your performance with elite scholars, and all those aspirations.

 

How about you walk your talk and roll up your sleeves with the kind of things I've suggested above -- it'll give you quite an edge in terms of things you experience in life. You're stuck in "the ivory tower" right now, and that's a pretty privileged, lofty life as well.

 

Maybe living by the skin of your teeth will be the first time you feel free and happy.

 

Surprises happen when we dare.

[mesmerized]

Hello there...

 

So here I am... back in China after a month and a half in my hometown in Europe... I already miss the blue skies and green trees around my parents' house. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park to be back and I felt out of place most of the time.

 

I made several attempts at changing my situation last month and here are the results:

 

- Sent a message to my country's embassy in China to ask for a possibility of getting an internship - FAILED.

- Got in touch with my former professor who suggested that I should work on my Chinese as hard as possible, no matter how many years it's gonna take me... He also said that getting an MA in sinology and then a PhD in International Relations would strengthen my CV a great deal. What he doesn't know is how much I'm sick of being in China.

- Applied for a position in a small import/export company - REJECTED.

- Applied for a scholarpship in Taiwan - FAILED.

- Got in touch with 3 universities in Canada in order to ask about the possibility of continuing studies - one reply said I'd have to take a Bachelor's course from scratch, the other two said it was impossible to get an MA without prior knowledge in the field.

- Got in touch with 2 Scottish unis where there was a slight chance of getting some financial support - FAILED due to the fact that I already hold university degrees.

- Talk with and IT guy about the idea of taking IT courses - he said without a strong foundation in Maths I'd be very likely to get completely lost.

- Applied for a teaching position (out of desperation, really) in San Francisco - REJECTED due to one simple reason - no work permit/residence card/green card etc.

- Applied for 4 different positions in Hong Kong, in various companies - two of them never got back to me, the other two said my experience was not relevant to their scope of business (i.e. you're a teacher, go to hell)

- Same, but in Shanghai - same results.

 

This is it. 20 different attempts. 20 failures. I feel completely useless and without any chances to change anything.

 

So this is it. Here I am in Shanghai and I feel the same. Completely out of place. And the old pattern has kicked in again... I'm back in my small apartment, completely lonely, and I sleep a lot... waiting for the dreaded academic year to begin. I think my life feels like being in a cage. Work-wise people won't give me a chance in anything else than teaching and everything else is not gonna happen (girlfriend, friends) unless I've dealt with this issue.

 

Cheers

[chitown9]

What would it take to get the green card/work permit, whatever it takes, to secure the job in San Francisco? It seems doable.....chi

[mesmerized]

What would it take to get the green card/work permit, whatever it takes, to secure the job in San Francisco? It seems doable.....chi

 

In order to get a green card you must stay on the US soil for at least a few years. And you can't stay there legally unless you have a job... It's a vicious circle. My aunt had so many problems with getting a green card for her son despite the obvious close family blood relation...

 

As for the work permit - they grant it to people that they desperately need. The school told me that the natural process is to look for employees within the state first, then in the neighbouring states, then nation-wide and then if all of those steps fail some places consider getting employees from abroad. In case of teachers, they get them really fast, usually from within a state.

 

I feel trapped again. Even the meds don't help that much.

[mesmerized]

I guess nobody visits this thread anymore... I guess it's understandable, since we've all noticed that there seems to be no solution to the problem.

 

Following my friend's advice I signed up with Carney Sandoe, which is the biggest recruiting agency in the US. They help teachers find a job in the US (and sometimes outside the US as well) I took me 3 hours to fill in their application, and this is the message I received after over 2 long weeks of waiting...

 

Thank you for taking the time to complete and submit your application. We appreciate your interest in our work with independent schools.

 

After careful review of your application, we have concluded that we are unable to assist you with your job search. This decision is based on our client schools' hiring needs and the requirements that they place upon us regarding the candidates that we refer to them. Because you are not currently authorized to work in the United States, it presents a challenge for hiring schools. We encourage you to reapply if and when your work authorization status changes.

 

We recognize that you took the time to complete our application, but regrettably we cannot assist all applicants. All the best with your job search.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm getting older and older, and my life is not moving forward at all. Can I become more desperate? Perhaps I can, who knows.

[tiredofvampires]

So what this is saying is, you need a work visa, if I'm reading it correctly -- and they do give you hope. They say:

 

We encourage you to reapply if and when your work authorization status changes.

 

So they have told you, get something done to fix a problem you have right now, and then you'll have another chance with us.

 

It was not for lack of credentials or other more substantive material reasons for rejection. That is something that should put a smile on your face, even if you're not jumping for joy. They did not close the door on you.

 

This is a technicality that needs to be fixed.

 

So your job is to get that problem fixed.

 

I see a lot going for you there -- you have something now to research how to obtain and obtain it.

 

Do you know what is required to do that?

 

No one on this thread has given up on you, but it's hard to convince a person who seems very ready to give up on himself that many doors are still open. I'm glad you put in that application, and clearly, that's not a dead end. So why are you acting like it is?

[abitbroken]

Ok - where are you a citizen? The UK if you mentioned Scottish universities?

[abitbroken]

Everything you mention you say you failed at. Anything less than "yay, you contacted us, come right in - here's your job" is failure to you.

 

It wasn't fair to count the professor's response as rejection. You did not tell the professor that you wanted OUT of China.

 

What about going back to your hometown? Contact a place like the equivalent of the Learning Annex or adult enrichment or community enrichment and pitch the idea of teaching Chinese to English speakers or French speakers (if French is your first language - I assumed it was English.) There are plenty of people who would take it out of curiosity, take it because their spouse is in international business or in the military and they will be moving to China or want to get into an industry that would take them to China. Some people just want to always learn. It could be just classes in conversational Chinese - what you need to get around. Maybe you'd have another one-shot class for people who want to learn about the culture and read a Chinese menu. And then maybe something a little more advanced. Maybe you are not fluent enough to teach advanced medical tersm to native Chinese speakers, but can teach enough for someone who doesn't know anything.

 

If you taught a couple classes, you could do tutoring on the side, too, and maybe get a part time job to fill in until you figured out what direction you wanted to take. And when you are back on native soil, more people are likely to hire you because you are right there and they can interview you in person'

 

I know of someone who works as an interpreted (not chinese, a different language), and businesses call them when they have a customer or patient come or client in who speaks that language and is too traumatized to get the English (their newly learned language) out, or maybe its the family member who is visiting and only speaks enough to find a taxi, etc.

 

Anyway, that is something you could do until you figured out what you wanted to do.

 

What about a teaching position near your parents? Until you figure it out? When you apply for things that you have little chance of getting (in other countries you don't have a VISA or green card for), then it seems like in some ways you are only in your comfort zone when you are failing and don't really truly want to succeed and not have anything to complain about.

 

No one is going to swoop down and fix things. You have to do it.

 

And no, unless you are fresh out of school and 17-19 years old, few people are going to give you a scholarship. So if you want to go back to school, its on your dime.

[mesmerized]

So what this is saying is, you need a work visa, if I'm reading it correctly -- and they do give you hope. They say:

 

We encourage you to reapply if and when your work authorization status changes.

 

This is a technicality that needs to be fixed.

I see a lot going for you there -- you have something now to research how to obtain and obtain it.

Do you know what is required to do that?

No one on this thread has given up on you, but it's hard to convince a person who seems very ready to give up on himself that many doors are still open. I'm glad you put in that application, and clearly, that's not a dead end. So why are you acting like it is?

 

Sorry Tired, but I honeslty don't see how this is supposed to make me happier. Getting a work permit to work in the US is practically impossible in this day and age... unless you are a brain surgeon or have a skillset of a superman. Well, there's one more way, which is called investment immigration... You need to invest about 100,000USD and they grant you a residence permit (but you're not elligible to work there for the first two years or so anyway)

 

Not to mention the fact that I absolutely hate teaching. So here I am - unemployable in any other field and stuck with a profession that I hate.

 

Thanks for your answer though... And please don't be surprised that I've given up on myself. I've tried many ways and none of them worked. I'm just sick and tired of living a completely pointless life. All I wish for is to be put down of misery, just like a dog is put out of misery when it suffers from pain it cannot be recovered from.