I don't know what to do, I read his emails

[LauraB]

Please help me, I know I was wrong but I lent my boyfriend my computer and 'borrowed' it back today and found about 100 emails to his ex-girlfriend. However it's not what it seems. She hasn't replied to a single one, but it shows how desperate he is about her. He's definitely not seeing her, I know that. She disappeared from his life with no trace and has made not contact with her. She broke his heart.

 

Story is, he broke up with her in June 13. I met him in September 13 and we started dating in October 13. He has never put a foot wrong with me, is a lovely man, but I always felt he was distant. We discussed it and he said it was hard to have his girlfriend disappear after 10 years with no explanation. She left most of her belongings behind which are still all over his house a year later like a shrine.

 

Our relationship has become stronger slowly, although I still feel a distance. He hasn't told me he loves me (although he said he's not that type - which doesn't match with the very loving and desperate emails he sent his ex). We've known each other 10 months. I told him I loved him a month ago and he said 'well that's a good thing isn't it?' He promptly went on to say he wasn't going to get married again - we are both in our 50s with adult children and that's fine for me. He hadn't married her either but one of his emails asks whether she would have said yes.

 

So my dilemma is - I love this man dearly. I don't think he loves me but is treating me right. Things are moving in the right direction.

 

Will he start to love me? How long should I wait if this is breaking my heart? If the situation is breaking my heart and I leave him, I would want to give him a reason and the only one I have is that I've read all his emails (last one was in May), some of which say things like 'I had a lovely walk (it was a special place he doesn't normally go to and he was with me) and wished I was with you'. That was a special day for us I thought and felt close to him. And then a song which he played to me in April which he said he really liked (and I imagined he played it because it was loving although he didn't say so), he emailed it to her said it was for her. I shouldn't have read the emails but it's done.

 

I have to stress that all his emails disappeared into the ether with no replies. He consistently begs her to make contact. On valentines he asks her out (I made dinner for him).

 

Please help me, I love being with him but I'm broken now.

[JGintheOC]

he's acting like that because it was a sudden blow with no closure. The only way i feel like he'll get better is if he gets closure.

 

I'm not sure if this is something you wouild wanna do at risk of losing him, but maybe find his ex? And convince her to give him some closure?

[misssmithviii]

I think you know as well as anybody here that this is textbook emotional infidelity. It might reassure you in some sense that nothing is actually happening between the two, but in all reality it shouldn't. I hate to be so blunt with that, but I want to make it perfectly clear that he isn't fully invested in your relationship with him.

 

His heart isn't with you, and if it isn't there 10 months down the road I highly doubt it'll be there in a year or two. In fact, he should be head over heels for you, not courting his disappeared ex. Perhaps you came into his life at the wrong time, like an extended rebound relationship. This is in no way a reflection of how amazing you are, how much you've done for him and supported him - not at all. It's a reflection upon himself, and how he isn't going to be the man for you that he can be for someone else.

 

I would leave him. You don't even have to mention the emails. You can be as simple as "I feel like we've run our course. There are things that I have come to expect given our time together and it's apparent those expectations cannot be met right now." Wish him well, and be on your way.

 

I'm sorry you're enduring this... I know I would be absolutely crushed. The best thing for you to do is focus on yourself, and let him be stuck in the past - not you. You need to move forward and hopefully down the line find somebody who will be as committed to you as you are to him.

 

You deserve better sweetheart.

[Unreasonable]

Dude's not ready to be in another relationship. Do you want to be in a relationship with a guy that'd drop you like a hot potato if she ever replied back?

[misssmithviii]

he's acting like that because it was a sudden blow with no closure. The only way i feel like he'll get better is if he gets closure.

 

I'm not sure if this is something you wouild wanna do at risk of losing him, but maybe find his ex? And convince her to give him some closure?

 

I agree with this, he likely didn't have any closure from that past relationship. JG, do you think that the relationship would be salvageable even after having received possible closure from the ex? Also, say the OP's bf never finds her... OP, you run the risk of wasting more of your time and energy with someone who might never be emotionally available to you.

[LauraB]

Thank you so much for your advice and comments, all very sound. I think this is very good advice but I really don't want to lose him. My gut instinct is that given time this could work, but my problem is I'm not strong enough emotionally. I think he's a loving man, and a committed man (I've had lots of men - in fact most - who have properly messed around with other women and seem to have no respect). A stronger women in the future will benefit from all that I love about him don't you think? I want it to be me.

[misssmithviii]

Thank you so much for your advice and comments, all very sound. I think this is very good advice but I really don't want to lose him. My gut instinct is that given time this could work, but my problem is I'm not strong enough emotionally. I think he's a loving man, and a committed man (I've had lots of men - in fact most - who have properly messed around with other women and seem to have no respect). A stronger women in the future will benefit from all that I love about him don't you think? I want it to be me.

 

Your gut instinct right now is probably based on the fact that you don't want to be alone, or feel like you're walking away from time invested. Which is perfectly understandable, but can waste you more time in the end. Instead of staying with him for his 'potential' and what he 'can be' in the future to you, ask yourself about how he is in the now... how is he making you happy 'now'.

 

Somebody once told me that we're not always the first love or last one - sometimes we're just the stepping stone in the middle. It's all about learning from that experience and on to the next one. I know you love him, but ask yourself - if nothing changes, can you remain happy? If absolutely nothing changes in the relationship, will you be happy you stayed, let's say, 5 years down the road? If you want things to change, you're going to have to initiate them and I believe the only way to do that would be to confront him about those emails.

 

It's a double-edged sword though, because not only will you be admitting to violating his privacy and showing that you, in a moment of weakness did not trust him - it'll almost negate everything you found out in his head. SURELY it doesn't change the fact that he's having a one-sided emotional affair with his ex, but the perpetrator always tries to defend themselves by poking holes in your method of investigation. Then again he might be understanding and realize that he was coaxing the inability to trust him by being emotionally distant from you.

 

It's a tough call. If you really want to stay with him for whatever reasons you can think of, then you're going to have to confront him. Or just stay in denial, that works for some people - that's not sarcasm either, I just know so many people that stay years and years with somebody for the sake of not being alone, regardless of how unfulfilled they truly are.

 

It would be a shame to waste more of your time though...

[jjkk]

I don't think you're wrong to stay with him. The biggest hurdle (as you know) is to undo the damage created by reading his emails. There's no magic cure to do that (that I know of). Focus on the positive things about him and your relationship. Remind yourself he's with you now and of the good times anytime you start obsessing over the emails and thoughts of the two of them. Remind yourself of the good things about you and when you notice your thoughts drifting towards her and the emails, etc. stop them before getting carried away w/ it. Have some ideas of distraction to help you do this.

 

I agree that he probably wasn't ready to get into a relationship at the time. Such a long relationship w/ her, such an abrupt ending, only a few months from when she left until when he started seeing you, but I don't know that that necessarily means it can't work for the two of you long term. He obviously finds value in you and your relationship.

 

I'm sorry you happened upon the emails. I'm sure it was absolutely heart crushing!!

[LauraB]

Gosh you are wise Miss Smith the 8th! Now I'm thinking of just saying I stumbled on the Valentines one (not all of them) and say I'm feeling very vulnerable - he would know how that feels. Then distance myself for a while to give him time to contemplate how it must feel and how I must be hurt. If the last email to his ex was in May, then maybe I stand a chance if we can communicate and if this all falls apart then it wasn't meant to be.

[JGintheOC]

I agree with this, he likely didn't have any closure from that past relationship. JG, do you think that the relationship would be salvageable even after having received possible closure from the ex? Also, say the OP's bf never finds her... OP, you run the risk of wasting more of your time and energy with someone who might never be emotionally available to you.

 

I don't think it will change "anything" becuase of the relationship existing as a result of not having closure from a previous relationship. So that's all he knows/experienced in terms of memories with his current gf. Even if he gets closure from his ex... would his current relationship feel the same?

 

Probably not. He may find out that the relationship was just a rebound cuase he was tryinig to fill a void.

 

But ponit is what HE needs is closure. Otherwise he's going to be in screwed up relationship after screwed up relationship.

[LauraB]

thank you jjkk for understanding, I'm weeping as I type and it so nice to have help, advice and understanding. Thank you everyone.

[LauraB]

So JG in the OC, I love him so much I think I could go find that ex, ask her to see him, and run the risk of us not working. Shall I tell him that?

[Brotherhood67]

Simple question : did you talk with him about this feeling of him being distant and not 100% invested in this relationship ?

You know, losing someone the way he lost her probably broke his heart in a million pieces : he suffers probably from some kind of PTSD...

Right now, it's probably difficult for him to open up completely to someone else. He probably feels two things : pain from his loss and numbness to any kind of real emotional commitment. It's nothing more than a defence mechanism.

So what is there for you ?

First of all, I would talk to him about your own doubts, without even mentioning those emails. See what happens. Then ask about your future together and what he expects from you. Ask him where he wants to go. He is kind with you so there is no justification to be so blunt and break up with him about that immediately in my opinion. He is probably lost - one cannot write a hundred emails to an ex without feeling some kind of desperation. He needs closure but he also needs to find it himself. Simply ask him if he still is in contact with his ex and see what his answer is : he is maybe ashamed to be so desperate about his ex and maybe don't want to hurt you. If you feel like he wants to lie to you and get away with it, then maybe you need to break up but I think that for the moment, you need to collect more information before passing a judgement - he seems like an honest man but an honest man in pain. And pain or desperation sometimes force us to do stupid things. I cannot believe that he is in right mind when he writes those emails. He probably suffers a lot but cannot talk to you about it...

[Mari]

So JG in the OC, I love him so much I think I could go find that ex, ask her to see him, and run the risk of us not working. Shall I tell him that?

 

I'd say yes. That's being supportive instead of confrontational. It's difficult to do that when you're in love with the person but what helps is thinking that you love this person and you want them to be happy. The other thought that helps is that there are many couples out there where one partner feels they missed out on someone from their past and even though they made the right decision at the time. But years later, they are now bored with their current relationship and wish they would've pursued the other person. So it's good to clear out all other options at the time before moving further along.

 

And I feel this is the right way to do it because either he will get her and be happy or he will get closure and your relationship can start off correctly. Otherwise there's a good chance you will build up resentment with the way things are, when he comes around you will remember this and then it may be you who wants out.

[LauraB]

Brotherhood 67 thank you. I have asked him (about 3 times since I knew him) and he's always said he hasn't heard from her, they have no contact. That is the truth. I don't think I can get any more from him without telling him I saw the emails. Only in the last few weeks he's introduced me to his family and I went to his mother's birthday party last night. I think that means a lot to him to do that, I am now a proper girlfriend. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't be in his house with all her things around, it's like someone died. Shall I offer to find her for him as an act of love?

[mhowe]

No. He is a big boy and capable of finding her.

 

Do you plan on running interference for him on all of trouble?

[annie24]

So JG in the OC, I love him so much I think I could go find that ex, ask her to see him, and run the risk of us not working. Shall I tell him that?

 

good lord, no!!! It's obvious she doesn't want anything to do with him, if she's not replied to 100 emails and she never picked up her stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if she had a restraining order against him!!

 

i think it's a shame that he has a good, loving woman in front of him, but he's hanging onto an old fantasy. i would probably tell him what i found and break it off. he's obviously not moved on and you deserve better than that.

[shellyf62]

good lord, no!!! It's obvious she doesn't want anything to do with him, if she's not replied to 100 emails and she never picked up her stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if she had a restraining order against him!!

 

i think it's a shame that he has a good, loving woman in front of him, but he's hanging onto an old fantasy. i would probably tell him what i found and break it off. he's obviously not moved on and you deserve better than that.

 

I was thinking the same thing. For someone to have left all their stuff is strange. Has he said why she never took it? Sounds like she left in a terrible hurry. I have broken up with guys, but always made sure I got my things before I left.

 

100 emails is definitely not normal, it is bordering on stalker to me

[SooSad33]

He is still dealing with his BU.

 

"Story is, he broke up with her in June 13. I met him in September 13 and we started dating in October 13. He has never put a foot wrong with me, is a lovely man, but I always felt he was distant."

- He is NOT yet emotional or mentally available for you or anyone at this point.

 

You may want to just tell him that you KNOW he's not over his ex yet and you can tell in a number of ways.

He's distant, has his walls up, etc.

That it may be best that he take a few months on his own to work on himself and IF he feels better or things have improved, he can look you up again?

[ParisPaulette]

You are pretty clearly a rebound for this guy. He should not have started dating you when he so clearly isn't over his ex even now. Unfortunately most rebound relationships started when someone is not over their ex do not end with the person now falling in love with the rebound. They end with the rebound, having been sort of an emotional band aid that helps the person recover by providing comfort and ego boosts. And once recovered the rebound is let go while the other person moves on now ready and eager to be single.

 

So yes, I think you're wasting your time on this particular guy. And I'd question just how fantastic someone really is if they were emailing an ex obsessively, showing a completely different face to the ex than they show to you, and doing things like asking them out for Valentine's Day. Also I think you aren't really listening to what he is saying to you.

He hasn't told me he loves me (although he said he's not that type - which doesn't match with the very loving and desperate emails he sent his ex). We've known each other 10 months. I told him I loved him a month ago and he said 'well that's a good thing isn't it?' He promptly went on to say he wasn't going to get married again - we are both in our 50s with adult children and that's fine for me. He hadn't married her either but one of his emails asks whether she would have said yes.

He is telling you that he does not see a future with you and does not want marriage with you. He won't even say he loves you or respond beyond a "that's good" to you.

 

And yet he does say these things and does even ask the ex to marry him, even while she never responds.

 

It is so painfully obvious he is still in love with his ex and not you, that I'm not even sure why you think staying with him will change anything. If it was, it already would have somewhere in the nearly close to a year you've been together. That's a very long time to be letting someone think they're in an exclusive relationship with you while you continue to chase someone who is unavailable. And while I think this guy is more than happy to accept whatever comfort and ego stroking and meals and sex you offer to him his heart is clearly not with you well past the point where most people do fall in love. And I'm going to be blunt here, his actions reek of dishonesty and more than a few emotional problems. We all grieve relationship breakups, but a truly loving unselfish person wouldn't try to use another person to deaden their pain while continuing to pursue someone else.

 

I think you need to come clean, tell him you've seen the emails, you get that he's not over her but you aren't okay with being used. And then you either a) tell him you are going to see other men and while you two can date you no longer consider him a candidate for a long-term relationship and will be searching for that with other men or b) you tell him it's over and if he ever gets over his ex maybe he can contact you. If you're still single and not with someone else.

 

I wish I could say something different to you. I don't believe staying with him will do anything, but increase your pain. An illusion of a relationship or an illusion of love is still, at the end of the day, just an illusion. And illusions are easily undone.

[Jd1983]

I agree with the above.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but you truly deserve better.

 

Don't waste your time on someone who wouldn't do the same for you. You've been with him for nearly a year, if he hasn't tried to put in more effort with you now, it's highly unlikely he will be doing so anytime soon.

 

He is clearly nowhere near over his ex, in fact he's not even ready to be in a relationship. Don't waste another year being in the same predicament. Be honest, let him know what you've found out and ask him what he truly wants. It's not fair for him to keep you hanging, when his heart is clearly not with you.

 

He may tell you one thing, but his actions tell you otherwise.

 

Don't fight a losing battle. Find out the truth now, and move on with your life. I know you don't want to, because you love him, but don't settle for being second fiddle in his life. If he truly wants to be with you, his actions will speak for itself. Otherwise, you will never truly be happy.

[sleepingdonut]

Of all the character flaws a person can have, not being able to move on from a past love really isn't one of the worst. That said, it's not fair to you and he's not going to be able to go the direction you want to go in life with him while he's in that emotional state. You shouldn't look up his ex. What you should do is tell him you found the emails and that you can't be with someone who can't give their whole heart to you. Then you should leave. If you want, tell him that when he finally gets rid of all of her stuff and is fully over her, he can give you call. But no matter what, I'd stay away from him for at least a few months and I wouldn't go back until he gets rid of absolutely everything he has of hers.

 

In any case, you shouldn't wait on him. If he happens to get his emotions sorted out later on, you happen to be single, you happen to still be interested, then give it another shot. But by no means put your life on hold for it. Time to move forward, because he probably never will until you do.

[LauraB]

Thank you everyone, I sent an email at 2am (Uk time) telling him I'd stumbled on the emails and how I felt. I didn't take anyones advice which now I wish I had. I've heard nothing yet, but he's still at work. I feel it in my bones, it's not looking good. I kind of knew he was never into me. I hoped he would see what a great girl I am but it seems he hasn't. I'm heartbroken.

[ParisPaulette]

Hugs to you. I know it's heartbreaking, but you will heal. And much faster now than if you invest more time. And can I just say, in rereading your posts again I think you're dodging a big bullet? This guy's ex left him suddenly, didn't even come back for her things, and won't respond to his emails. That tells me that something really bad must have happened to make her flee like that. People break up all the time sure, but how many of us will not go back or make arrangements for our possessions? There's usually only one reason for that--fear. And not a little fear, but an afraid for one's life kind of fear. And 100 emails is actually more along the lines of stalking her and/or obsession that just isn't normal. I've done some pretty crazy things during breakups, but to continue to send emails like that after a year and that many? No, not even close. And frankly it would scare the hell out of me if an ex were doing that to me. I'm glad you never decide to contact her, because my suspicion is she'd have filed a restraining order against you. And quite possibly has one against him already.

 

I think there's a whole lot more to their story than you know. And that maybe it's something you don't want to know. Just my two cents, but when I reread your posts about him I realized what bothers me is this doesn't so much read as a guy who can't move past his ex as it does someone who's become fixated on an ex and an ex who is afraid to respond or even get her things from this guy. It's disturbing and I think you will see other red flags once you go NC and step away from him. I hope you block him, because something seems really off here. Really off.