Not his type... can't seem to really shake it. Do you believe in types?

[misssmithviii]

Those of you on here that know me or have read enough of my posts to get a gist of my personality know that I struggle with self-worth issues. It all stems from my father, great, daddy issues it's so cliché really. He once told me no man could ever love a girl like me, and I can't think of a week that's gone by when he hasn't called me fat. And I can assure you... I'm not.

But that's the short, informative background.

 

Thing is, I've always dated guys who found me insanely attractive. Guys that have either always had a thing for exotic or ambiguously-mixed girls, regardless of whether or not that's what they dated.

 

After having been with my bf for a year now it's safe to say, I'm not his original type. The girls (and I'm talking celebs or models or girls he's had past crushes on) he's ever commented on, all fall into the same category. They're long-haired brunette white girls with typically-white features such as the high, prominent cheekbones, low brow, big eyes, dainty chin and pointy nose. Since we're talking models and celebs, we can't get away from the skinny aspect of them too - however he prefers a curvier figure like mine with the tiny waist and such.

 

Anyway... I don't look like this at all. My hair doesn't grow past my bust, it's JET BLACK, my colorist can only lighten it to a super dark brown without damaging it; I have high cheekbones but they're not prominent. I have what's considered a masculine jaw, strong chin... small nose. The asian decent in me also gives me a smaller forehead with born "great-for-the-90's" brow. My eyes are pretty big but they're dwarfed by my wide face.

 

This makes me feel insecure about girls who fit his subconscious criteria, and living in southern CA well... there's an abundance of them.

 

I've found myself getting lost in trying to find ways to lighten my hair more, grow it longer, get blue eyes, find nose jobs for a larger nose! It's almost consumed me... the only good that's come from this is I've been working out an average of 1 hour more each day to slim down even more because that's the only thing I can improve upon.

 

I believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful, but I can't help but feel like a second-best, B-rated version of what he's always wanted physically. I can't help but not-believe him when he says "you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" and such. I'm also quite media-brainwashed from the whole concept of men trying to get the "next best thing" and being incapable of not staring when a hot girl walks by.

 

My questions are simply, how do I get over this? It's not a simple attitude readjustment... I feel more needy of validation but I don't want to exhaust him of course. I don't want to diminish his compliments by openly not believing them either.

 

Have any of you fallen in love with somebody and known you're not their type? How'd you get over that feeling?

Do types change? Or are we kinda wired to find something most desirable from youth?

Do I ever mention this to him?

 

 

PS The reason I started doubting my own beauty with him was because about a month into our relationship, we were both very inebriated and I asked him: "had you known I had all these stretch marks [from childbirth] before you knew me, would you have approached me?" - Totally loaded question, I know. I was drunk and don't rightly have a reason for why I asked that.

And he said, "No, but I love you now so that doesn't matter, you're beautiful to me."

 

I don't deal well with irrational statements... and the whole gist of finding someone beautiful only after you've fallen in love with them completely undermines the idea of physical attraction.

[TheBigBird]

I think that when you fall in love with someone the whole "type" thing jumps out the window. I used to think i had a type, you know, brunet white girls, but these days I find all girls attractive. This whole "type" thing is nonsense. You're clearly from your photo very pretty and you have beautiful shiny black hair. I think the idea of trying to change yourself to meet this "type" he likes is stupid, be yourself. He clearly loves you for who you are not your looks, that is what love is.

 

Now for your question, getting over the feeling is just about confidence, I imagine your BF is a good looking young man, who could get a white brunet girl if he wanted? If so, he is with you, why? Because he loves you, you're his number one, the unique one. If you mention it to him, i think he might just say its more to do with their style, lets say how they appear/thing they wear (maybe their bodies, lets be honest most celebs look fairly good).

 

I hope this cheers you up.

[Ironman3]

I would say that you are overly focused on your looks. I believe you do know that true love does not check for a 90's eye brows or a hair reaching up to only the bust or something. It does not fuss if your jaw is masculine or your chin is strong. And it is not love if someone calls you beautiful just with your looks.

 

The 'types' that you mentioned here goes more with 'character types' like emotional compatibility rather than the physical. People who genuinely care about each other are more focused on how they feel when they are together and not the 'not in place' hair strand. I agree there is always physical attraction, it's human but I would say you have given way more preference to that here. And in the long run, you will know, this isn't the love you want.

 

Sorry to hear what your dad said to you. Everyone is beautiful in their own ways. Character and physical looks wise and you need to accept that about yourself. Whatever you are, however you are, that's how god gave it to you and this is YOU! There's no running away from what you are. There is no cosmetic for that. I would say that you should be less demanding on yourself and you should feel comfortable in your skin! Also, as far as your post goes, I don't know much about your boyfriend to say if he is demanding on you. If he is having unrealistic expectations on you, it might be time to find someone else. (Sorry to be blunt). Because in the long run, you are going to feel the weight on your shoulders of trying to look better or be someone you are not. Why compete with photoshop images and edited videos of celebs and lose your self esteem over unreachable and unreasonable standards for woman set by the fashion industry? The magazines, the movies, media everything out there puts pressure on us everyday by creating photos and videos of celebs that look perfect in their mini's, by hiding their flaws. We become consumed by it and want our real life relations to look like them. And we tend to put unrealistic expectations mostly on girls. In the end, what's left is a low self esteem, much like yours. Most of these beauty magazines or products promote low self esteem. They want you to think that you are not good without them.

 

And yes, I definitely agree that one should work out and stay fit and slim if they want to and not because we live in a society where people fantasize them. I hope I have not gone overboard. I just felt that for now, you need to focus on how to feel, rather than how you look... And true love expects far less...

[misssmithviii]

Thank you for your responses... I greatly appreciate the time you took to read my post.

 

The problem is also about getting over being insecure about women that do fit this criteria. Since much of love is a choice, who's to say some woman with an amazing personality that fits his type to a T doesn't just sweep him off his feet? Not to say I would be incapable of living my life without him, but I'd by lying if I said my self-esteem wouldn't just fly straight out the window.

 

Yes, my bf is an extremely good looking man. He's the guy that girls turn their heads and gawk at - what's beautiful is he doesn't even notice, he's so grounded and never tried hard to look as good as he does. He's just a gorgeous, clean, handsome and funny man. It's beyond me how he didn't turn into a shallow [insert word here] type of guy.

 

I think that's another big issue for me... the fact that he's truly the first insanely handsome man I've ever been with. Guys I've dated in the past didn't illicit the sort of jaw-dropping response from me and other women.

 

I feel, lesser than him. It's not to say it's a competition, but I feel like I shot for the moon and actually got it and I don't think I can handle knowing I'm not the type that even you TheBigBird, find as jaw-dropping.

 

I wish I didn't think like this. I wish it didn't bother me but it does. He hasn't ever made me feel ugly, save for that one drunk moment - but that was pure honesty, and I can't help but admire and love him for that. I adore that kind of brutal honesty and I think that's why I get slightly irked when he goes on and on and on about how 'gorgeous' I am when I know, I'm nothing like any other girl he's ever, in his entire life found attractive.

[Ironman3]

Have you ever heard of the phrase "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder"? It's an old cliche but has a lot of truth in it. You know I've been there before. The feeling that you don't just add up to the looks. I've felt this before with a girl who was really pretty and we were hanging out as friends. Everytime I thought of asking her out and I used to think, "dude? You really think she's gonna date you?" I could say that I am not good looking. I used to hate the fact that I lose hair, don't have 6pack abs, my arms are hairier than usual, I gain weight almost any diet I'm on and a lot of things. And this girl I was talking about, found me handsome. I've even asked her once out of disbelief that what she found really all that attractive in me and she said things like - "The way you hug me with your huge arms, the way you frown when I have to go... the way my head just rests under your chin when we hug... the way you smile at me with all that sweet innocence in your eyes even though I've been a pain.. the way you find me beautiful even when I'm sweaty and my hair isn't brushed... the way you kiss me on my forehead when I'm mad at you and I'm pretending to sleep..." She really took the time to tell me all of this, these aren't her exact words but what I remember now.

 

What my point is, if he loves you a lot, he means it a 100% when he says your beautiful. It's a matter of perspective. What if he just feels right with you and you're everything he wanted? He didn't want the fuss from other girls and wanted to be treated exactly as you are treating him now? That's what matters. You should focus on accepting yourself, as I said. Like that girl I used to know would say, beauty is what lies within, not just what meets the eye. Just be yourself. Not for formality sake, I believe you are beautiful this way. And I believe in you. I think you should too

[Slimpee]

As a guy, my krypotnite is a tall, leggy, slender brunette w/ light eyes ("exotic"/mixed is awesome). Colored shoulder tattoos are a plus. That is the physical type to which i'm most attracted.

 

That said, I would not hesitate to date a shorter blonde woman if i found her attractive and interesting.

 

Let him decide if he's attracted to you...don't decide for him!

[BirthInReverse]

My ex told me once that I wasn't his type...that he preferred "petite" women (I'm thin, but tall) and generally more Hispanic looking (I'm half, but look European) with black hair (I'm a light brunette).

 

It stung. But then, he wasn't "my type" either! He is a short Mexican and I like tall blonds

I guess I just had the decency to not mention it.

 

If your bf has not said you are not his type (it sounds more like you're assuming this), then I'd cut him some slack. He's not complaining, and type is not necessarily totally defined by celeb crushes & past lovers.

 

Have any of you fallen in love with somebody and known you're not their type? How'd you get over that feeling?

Yes. He broadened what "my type" was. I am now more open to & attracted to men who share some of his characteristics. In other words, my type came to include him. If it would've lasted, he may have become my type, or rather, my type would've become him.

 

Do types change? Or are we kinda wired to find something most desirable from youth?

They tend to broaden more than change. You may never stop liking a certain look, but then that's no longer the only one or even the most preferred type. I don't think it's hard-wired at all, more developed in relation to cultural ideals, what we're exposed to, personal experiences, etc. I think it's fluid, although there is a lot of influence from culture & childhood that can be hard to uproot.

 

Do I ever mention this to him?

Nah. It's an insecurity that is not fair to burden him with. As long as he's not putting you down, then it's a non-issue. Just trust that he finds you attractive if he says he does & acts like it.

[Capricorn3]

I struggle with self-worth issues. It all stems from my father, great, daddy issues

 

This makes me feel insecure about girls who fit his subconscious criteria,

I've found myself getting lost in trying to find ways to lighten my hair more, grow it longer, get blue eyes, find nose jobs for a larger nose! It's almost consumed me...

I can't help but feel like a second-best, B-rated version of what he's always wanted physically.

 

My questions are simply, how do I get over this?

When reading all the above, it definitely seems you have a lot of self-worth, low self esteem issues and to be brutally honest, I think the only way to ever overcome this is to seek professional counseling/therapy because whatever is going on, this seems to be a very deep-rooted issues and I doubt you'll sort it out on your own. I would strongly advice counseling to get to the bottom of where all of this is coming from.

[Fudgie]

Types do exist, for both men and women, in terms of physical things that turn them on. I do not believe that they can just "go out the window" BUT I think some people may be more strict to staying to their "type" than others. And things do change.

 

For me, I really only like white, pastey men (tan? NO.) with brown or darker hair and dark eyes. I am not flexible on the skin bit. I am flexible when it comes to body shape, one of my exes was 400 lb when we were together and we were together a long time, and my last ex was underweight for much of our relationship. So I don't care in that regard.

 

I wouldn't date someone with a trait that I am inflexible on. Tattoos, for example, I dislike them on men and wouldn't date a guy with a sleeve or anything like that. I wouldn't be able to look past it, honestly. I would see the sleeve and think "yuck" and wouldn't be able to be very attracted to him. And you know, I think a lot of people have their "no compromise" traits and other traits that they can settle on.

 

It sounds he genuinely finds you attractive and he's with you and you don't have any "dealbreaker" traits - he's with you, afterall! Sure, maybe you aren't what he normally goes for but what matters is that he finds you attractive now and is with you.

[lymphocyte]

If someone was to ask me my type of man/ my ideal man, this is what I'd come up with.

 

Tall and (slightly) muscled, with messy (not curly) dark hair and blue eyes. Gotta have a little bit of stubble. And real, man stubble, not a pathetic little attempt at it. I don't want him sickly pale, but not too tan, either.

 

That right there is my 'type'.

 

Of all the guys I've genuinely had feelings for, not a single one fit that description. Not even close. In fact, the real crush I ever had, when I first saw him I wasn't even mildly attracted to him. He wasn't much taller than me, had curly blonde hair and these stupid sideburns, and his voice was annoying and I thought he looked silly and just didn't find him attractive and he wasn't my type at all. Then I started talking to him and realised we had so much in common, and he was absolutely lovely, and I began to realise that he actually was attractive, and I developed some serious feelings for him, and was kicking myself for not noticing in the beginning.

 

So, yes. Having a 'type' does exist, and a lot of people have them. But in saying that, a lot of people date waaay out of their 'type'

[Galaxy1234]

I think you're to caught up in your own insecurities stemming from your father. Sorry to say it but that's what I feel. I can't speak for every man but I prefer a woman with confidence. If you're looking to find a man based off of yours or his looks I don't believe in the long run it will work. Beauty is what may first attract someone but personality is what keeps people around. You should try and meet someone who you have good communication with and mutual interests that will make it more promising. Don't want to sound harsh but I believe in being honest with people as I would have do for me. Good luck

[Unreasonable]

Don't change a single thing about yourself. Be yourself, and broaden your guy's horizon on what his type is.

[misssmithviii]

If someone was to ask me my type of man/ my ideal man, this is what I'd come up with.

 

Tall and (slightly) muscled, with messy (not curly) dark hair and blue eyes. Gotta have a little bit of stubble. And real, man stubble, not a pathetic little attempt at it. I don't want him sickly pale, but not too tan, either.

 

That right there is my 'type'.

 

 

Oddly enough that's exactly what my bf looks like >

 

And that's just it - My bf is EXACTLY my type to the letter... it's kind of saddening to feel like I'm not his or at least not exactly his.

[misssmithviii]

I think you're to caught up in your own insecurities stemming from your father. Sorry to say it but that's what I feel. I can't speak for every man but I prefer a woman with confidence. If you're looking to find a man based off of yours or his looks I don't believe in the long run it will work. Beauty is what may first attract someone but personality is what keeps people around. You should try and meet someone who you have good communication with and mutual interests that will make it more promising. Don't want to sound harsh but I believe in being honest with people as I would have do for me. Good luck

 

Oh most definitely. Another poster said to look to counseling to find the root to my insecurities but I've been there, done that - I know they all stem from my father. I mean the extent to what he washed my brain with growing up is astounding.

 

But knowing the issue doesn't solve it for me. I don't really have this bad of an insecurity with other people because I'm more often than not considered attractive by them. Now I know my bf finds me attractive, otherwise he wouldn't be with me. I know I'm gorgeous in his eyes... I just, competitively and naively wish I was... Idk, the type of girl he's always wanted?

 

Thank you all again for the responses. I'm trying to get past this and it helps to talk it out and hear that perhaps I've broadened his tastes and type... I think that's a good way to look at it.

[faraday]

I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday. My bf has only dated skinny brunette yoga instructors that rock limb, don't wear make up, and don't wear dresses. I'm a blonde (with blue ends that changes her hair monthly), chubby artist that avoids working out, wears make up, dresses and high heels daily.

 

I normally date shorter not white guys. My bf is tall, blonde and white.

 

We're both each other opposites normally but the chemistry is insane.

 

Most of my friends who are married seem to have married guys that weren't their typical types...I mean...the guys I've been dating haven't been working for me....and the girls my bf has dated haven't worked out for him either.

 

So go with it. Maybe a change in type is the breaking of a pattern that didn't work.

[misssmithviii]

I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday.

So go with it. Maybe a change in type is the breaking of a pattern that didn't work.

 

I like this It's a very confident outlook on the whole thing. So you know you're not his (at least not his "original") type and yet that doesn't seem to phase you much.

 

Do you ever find yourself threatened by the idea of him becoming close friends with someone who is that brunette yoga instructor type? For instance, if he met a girl like this and he was hanging out or around her a lot of the time. Are you able to be like, "ah no, he might find her insanely attractive but that's no threat to me"

 

I feel like if I were to do that, it would be a form of denial for me because I would know in my heart I wouldn't be okay with it.

[Fudgie]

Your boyfriend probably meets/sees tons of people "his type" through the week. You're in So Cal, right? That's like the land of conventionally beautiful people. He may be attracted to her (like many other people, attractive people are everywhere) but he's with YOU, not them. Give the man some credit here.

[faraday]

It's entirely based on the guy. In the past, certain bfs would make me uncomfortable if they had become friends with their type...but...this guy is different.

 

He has a lot of female friends. A lot of them are ridiculously hot. Like, seriously gorgeous. Before I met them, I did check them out on fb...I was a bit concerned lol. Now I've met them...and seen their interaction...and it's just...I know he's not into them. And he's a trustworthy guy. But it took a while to build that. He's not my exes. It's just not in him to be sneaky. I would trust him with anyone at this point...just like he trusts me.

 

When you're insecure, you need to look at why. Is it his actions? Is he a trustworthy human? Or is because of your past? And if it's your past...you need to repeat the "the a trustworthy guy" mantra over and over until you believe it.

[ParisPaulette]

Definitely counseling. You already know you have body image issues related to your father's emotional abuse. This is going to color any and everything you do regardless of what anyone says or does. Your guy is with you now, finds you beautiful and that's what counts. Celebs and models are pretty pictures, nothing more. I think Vin Diesle is gorgeous, but I am not going to leave my SO for someone who looks like him, because Vin Diesel is just a guy who looks good on film and does films I like. He is not a real person to me and therefore not representative of who I will choose as a partner. And it's probably the same for your boyfriend.

 

BTW this is all a matter of perspective. Where I grew up the girls who looked like you got all the boys and little old blonde petite me got shoved to the side. I would have done anything to look like you, although later in life I grew comfortable enough in my own skin to simply like who I am in the mirror and that's that. You should have a therapist help you come to terms with who you are and your appearance. It's not really rooted in anything your boyfriend is saying or doing, it's rooted in being taught to question your appearance by your father. And you have to learn how to move past that with some help.

[Ranz Rey]

The biggest compliment I ever got was when one boyfriend fell for me and I wasn't his type. Because I knew for the first time in my life someone fell in love for me, looked beyond my beauty and into my soul. This man compared to all my other bfs who only wanted arm and eye candy, this man loved me like no other. And I was certain that when my looks would begin to fade he was not going to trade me in for a better model.