Diary Of A Redhead

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

This is funny Jib because I'm sick on rollercoasters - LOL! So I can't take 'em!!! So there ya go!

Maybe if I could do a sky dive or a race track or a roller coaster every few months, I wouldn't indulge my own emotions! All in your own control, no excuses. I've been more even keeled for a good few weeks, it's a nice break.

I think we all get our fixes one way or another!

[mylolita]

I had a late afternoon, hours long, fast drive a few weeks back.

Some days, you're just more alive than others. 

I feel like, I've kind of, had part of me buried in an internal landslide. What happened? I became a wife, I became a mother, I became part of a community? I became responsible? I became... accepting? Accepting of normalcy for myself? Like that could even happen? Like that was even possible for a girl like me?

There is this volatile, wild, unhinged energy, if not completely released, barely constrained, in torrents scarily close to the surface, visible to me mentally under my skin, pounding through my veins. I feel like when amongst others, they are civilian. 

I was out with my son and, there were a group of guys and girls near where we pulled up to drink a milkshake. They were messing on, the girls flaunting tight torsos in tacky velvet crop tops, the boys full of mischief and swapping smokes. My son said, "Those people are the same age as you Mammy."

I was instantly sparked with glee! I said, "Are they the same age as Daddy as well?" To feel him out on this theory and test the boy for obvious flattery! To my delight, he replies, "No! Daddy is much older. They are the same age as you!"

"I'm 33 baby! I could probably be their mother too! But, you've just made my day!"

HA!

I'm still 18. Body, mind, and soul. I never shook off that desperate, restless longing of youth. I've never got over it. I think, weirdly, it keeps me young? Every week I get a comment that, someone can't believe I'm in my 30s. 

I was chuffed and relayed this to The Husband. He smiled softly and made no comment. 

I poked at him! "Well! I'm pretty pleased with myself here D! Do you agree or what! Don't just stand there, c'mon!" I twirled. 

"Look, Lo - you look young, you have always looked young. But, I don't need you to look young." His face was gentle and full of warmth. He really is one huge sucker.

I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I wanted to make some attempt at throwing out some writing. I thought I might be good at a few things. I thought I was sexy and physical. I thought I was popular and charismatic. I think a lot of things that are conceited and concocted. I get rude awakenings. Or should, anyway. Isn't it true that no one really gets away with anything? Not much of anything real, anyway. There is always a trade off. God damn you, Darwin. I think I can wish it, think about it, and have it drop down from the sky into my little obnoxious lap.

Every time I take a drive, I reminisce, and I smoulder at the concept of what the future could bring. 

I'm a huge flirt. Maybe that keeps me immature.

Never can settle. I may outwardly be all responsible and hankered down, but mentally, I'm off into the stratosphere here. I can't seem to come back down to Earth. I don't know how anyone keeps a lid on the daily usual things and, for years and years in a row?

Heaven help me. Heaven help this silly girl.
 

x

[mylolita]

I feel invincible today - I might, MIGHT(!), not ever even DIE!

Everything has always come easy.

"Easy come, easy go!" My Mum used to chime at me. She had brought up a bundle that had confidence through the roof, and kind of, stood back, probably wondering, what am I gonna do with HER?

Well, I left right off the bat and never looked back for to long. 

Never had to try all too hard for anything yet in this life. Great health, easy births, easy romances, married the right guy straight off the bat, healthy amazing children, school was easy, great grades, great cars, great house, friends come easy, mostly fantastic finances - a perfectly spoilt brat. The only difference between me and the other Princess next to me is, I know it's only a matter of time before it all ends and my stack of cards crumble to the ground. The rains gonna pour. The only other difference between me knowing these party fly by years of ease can't last forever and Sweet Dear is one other little thing - she might have a plan, or she might not, for the stormy weather - but mine is somewhere straddling in-between. I'm making a blind bet on myself, and my own little strange heady skill sets. I've got a few tricks up these sleeves. Nothing much on paper, of course. But the good stuff never IS! Nothing worth a damn in life can ever be taught sat at a desk. Trust me. 

After 15 years with The Husband, I have to say, I am humbled for once in realising I cannot sit back on our relationship, especially with three young kids now in tow. It's not possible.

I'm lucky, again, that lightening struck me, and struck me hard, but unpredictable passionate weather like that is up and down, and the excitement of it when you're young and fresh can be sexual appetising and emotion dabbling, but when children get involved, and you wake up one day and find yourself a Mother and a Father, and these cherubs of pure pale rosy cheeked innocence skip their way dreamy eyed to hold you close like a monkey in the mornings, you know something in your usual formula might have to give. You might have to start taking this stuff seriously. I might have to work at something for once. 


I brush a lot of stuff off, I laugh a lot of stuff off, I shrug a lot of stuff off, and the rest is left to bravado and falling in style. But honestly, he is the only thing that matters a jot in this life. D and the kids. And after that, anything good that comes is one big ol' cherry on top.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the extra stuff. It's no good for me, and it's a slow death of the moral soul, but I'm not gonna tell myself I'm any other way inclined. I wish for a lot. I wish for too much. I already have so, so much. 

It almost feels beyond unfair, that I started life already with a great deck of cards at my disposal. 

Don't worry, it's not over yet - I still got my 52! DAMN RIGHT BABY! HOT CARDS!

I can turn my hand to anything, and not only do it well, but do it my own way, with style. It's not good enough just to get by in my world, or give something half, or say to yourself "that will do". Give everything your flare and slant and beauty and you're no longer just walking through life, you're FLYING. It has a tangible energy to it. People take note.  

A teacher of mine used to negatively comment: "Style over substance." But what is this life but smoke, mirrors, and all illusion? Some of us put on a better performance. Most of you prefer to sit and watch. 

When my velvet curtains draw, I think it will have been one good one! Make no mistake about that!

I'M ALIVE!

How're you doin'?!

I'm doing this thing my own way, and it feels GOOD.

x

[mylolita]

I was invited to a weekly late night yoga class by a Mum I've been hanging around with quite a bit recently. The one with the small property empire and the amazing zen atmospheric Georgian studio apartment. Curse her!

It's a very intimate class of only me and two other women each time, and starts at 7:30 at night.

This is absolutely IDEAL for me. I LOVE the night, just LOVE IT! 

After the kids are bathed and snoozing I'm there, hurriedly in the shower, quick candle lit, low music on, throwing on different yoga outfits and slinging things out of different leather hobo bags and replacing the interior of one with a bottle of water and a slouchy sweat top and lip gloss and spraying perfume and I'm busy and bustling to get myself flying out the door to pick up the other girls.

I always offer a lift. I just do. It's my thing, I'm realising, ever since I've been driving, it's been the biggest love affair, and it's a total treat for me to drive anywhere even for five minutes. 

So I pull up, the sky dark already and moody, the waves lapping at the barrier between these glamorous crescents of apartments. I'm immaculate in presentation so, the car is always perfect. You're not gonna be ducking into no messy car here and moving toys and packets and crumbs off no seats of mine!!!

I love house music, lounge music, jazz, soul, blues, Bossa nova - I had some lively sultry tracks on when C opened the door, the wind blowing through on her arrival. 

We chatted, took the country roads up to this exotic 6 foot Spanish girls house who heads up these private little classes. The car lights snaking up the hills in front and behind us feel like little aliens lulling us with their visual magic. 

"This is not exactly relaxing for Yoga Lo!" She laughs.

"Oh? HA! What on EARTH are we getting relaxed for?! C'mon!" We both laugh. 

No. I never play Hindu singing bowls in my ride. Sometimes, it's sedate and moody, don't get me wrong, but I adore yoga so I'm always full of energy and amped up to go, no matter how long the day has been, or how early the wake up call was that morning, and this night owl is always just getting STARTED by 7pm!

She offered to give a lift the next week. She had Smooth Radio on.

Low blow C, low blow.

LOLOLOLOL!

x

[mylolita]

Just if you were wonderin', the answer still is: NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dom da da dom dom da da dayyyyayayaeeeeeyaaah! HAHAHAHAHA!

x

[mylolita]

I know me and The Boss must have a screw loose. I've gone lost my marbles and my sensibilities, a million years ago.

Lately, business has really been picking up, and D has been selling a lot of objects and pieces to a certain Chinese museum.

They often send, straight away, very large deposits for an item or items. These deposits are the equivalent sometimes to house money.

D said to me casually, Spring sun speckling the trees, while the kids ran in front down a large bank, squealing in delight, "I've pretty much spent that deposit they sent me you know."

I said, "What do you mean?" knowing exactly what he meant. 

He said, "Well, how do you think I've been buying all this stock?"

"Are you kidding me?" I knew he wasn't. I was kinda thrilled and very impressed. He would definitely have to pay it all back instantly if the deal didn't go through. It's a massive risk spending money that isn't even yours to then flip around and make more money on in the short meantime.

"There's only £27,000 left of it."

"You're joking! I hope it pays off." Absolute titillation through my fake scorn. No one is cooler in this moment. Another Dad sniffs, holding his coffee in this distance. 

We carried on our walk through the woods with the kids as the birds sang in dappled unison. I slept like a baby that night.

I don't know who would, with the surreal reality some Chinese mafia could be at your door in the next few months demanding hundreds of thousands of pounds. But anyway, I slept great.

This is why I adore D.

LOL!

Am I crazy? LMAO.

I always joke, I was one step away from being a mob boss's wife and being totally cool with it. In another life, in another universe. Live by the sword, die by the sword.

x

[mylolita]

When I'm driving out with the kids, they're often tired or the weather is stormy and pelting with rain, I put on Smooth Chill radio really low in the background.

The last three times I've been out, once with the kids, twice by myself, 'A Long Road' by Funki Porcini has been on. I never knew this song until this week, half listening to the radio. If I believed in such things, I would start thinking the universe is trying to tell me something or other. 

I played it for D.

"I don't like that Lo."

I knew he would say that! I know him so well. I asked, even though I already knew, yet again, "How come?"

"Well, it doesn't exactly make me happy."

"Creepy?"

"Just a bit!"

It feels like hypnosis. I said, "It feels like a dream."

I couldn't hear the lyrics when I was driving with the kids, but they all were lulled to sleep while it played, sounds of the road and the rain drowning out some of the melody.  

I'm kind of a little bit obsessed with it. It makes me feel like I'm in an alternative reality, like the same things I'm doing and the same places I'm going around here are a loop, like I am almost... augmented, or something. It's such a strange, out of body feeling. But I'm still all in my head. I don't know.

It's a long, long road and there's no turning back.
 

x

[mylolita]

Story of my life: I need more money.

So many people already irritate the hell out of me at that school. I'm getting pestered left right and centre from the nursery staff to amp up my daughters days from two mornings a week to five mornings a week. Look girls, I wasn't born yesterday. It's just all about MONEY. They don't get the full figure grant if she's only in half time. They're like bad car sales men.

I think I'll pull her out next week. I call their bluff and mean it. She doesn't have to go, she's only three, she always cries and tells me she doesn't want to go, and that she cries for me at break time. There is no reason for her to be miserable there when she could be at home with me and her sister and having play dates with her friends and days at the coast or buzzing through the woods, just like her brother did. Again, I am not going to be made to feel guilty or weird or like an alternative strange bad mother for not having my kids institutionalised full time and put into the biggest child minding racket from 9am till 3pm to watch an hour of bad cartoons a day and have horrible snotty kids push her around and the teachers not care or see because they have another 20 kids to run around after.

No thanks. Here, have my tax money, but I don't want any part of it anymore. 

I tried and I wasn't impressed, and neither is my daughter. 

My son comes home full of the most ridiculous nonsense I've ever heard as well. I used to, in the full throws of loosely home educating, think I was doing a disservice to my extremely bright son, now - I'm not so sure!!!!!!!

"Only a teacher can teach!" Is what they tell me!

HA! 

So when you're all on strike and no one misses you and the world doesn't grind to a halt, what you're really telling me is... we actually, kind of, don't need you? I know they put them in front of a massive screen projector to watch a video of someone explaining things instead of them doing it for the most part - even for PE! 

DON'T START!

Ohhhhhh MAN am I irritated today!

D said last night, "I want no part of this Lo, you're in a bad mood."

Sorry hun. It's true. I need to stop, but it's like a rolling stone collecting moss.

We were late today (by five minutes) and one of the nursery teachers who absolutely despises me with every ounce of her being told me I had to write in this log where no one else had and no one else was coming in after me (AHA) and it had the teeniest little line with 'REASON' above it. For being late. I missed it out, in a rush, signed my daughters name and my name. I said, "What's this part? Do I write "Reception?" And she sighed, exasperated, like I should know, "No it's XYZBS2" I kid you not, random letters then numbers, made no sense. Alrighty then! She said, "I need a reason." I said, "We're late." And walked her in.

Stupid pen pushing stuff. My daughter was having a melt down and didn't want to go in and I'm trying to be calm and gentle and subtle by not rushing her through the door and she's asking me to write why we were late. I felt like saying, "Hot sex this morning and couldn't be bothered to rush."

Honestly. Low grade bums. 

I still need some money though. Where does it go?! I swear, it feels like on the fire. Why don't we have any money left?!?!? WHERE IS MY KITCHEN?!?!?!

x

[mylolita]

All the little mother cliques drive me to distraction as well. I want no part of it.

I'm looking back to that lovely easy peaceful close time I had with all three of them at home, doing as we feel and please, and really, really missing it. 

Now what have I got? A new cold or virus every week, "have you logged into the school app?", "Have you liked this on the school Facebook?!", religious torture sacrificial dogma and him saying they told him we aren't mammals and my daughter saying she hates nursery and that they don't ever even read one book to them, and if they do, it's a quick 10 minutes then buh-bye. 

Take me away to a little Georgian cottage in the middle of beautiful wind swept countryside with a beat up swing hanging from an ancient pear tree where the kids run bare foot and a tiny church bell chimes in the distance where the cows moo and the sheep bleat. 

NO PHONES. NO SCROLLING. NO APPS.

Get me awaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

x

 

[Jibralta]

On 4/17/2023 at 6:28 AM, mylolita said:

"Only a teacher can teach!" Is what they tell me!

My biological aunt homeschooled her four children. They all seem extremely well-rounded. Very, very, religious, though. The eldest daughter now has six kids, all of whom she homeschools. There's a whole support system for it. 

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

My biological aunt homeschooled her four children. They all seem extremely well-rounded. Very, very, religious, though. The eldest daughter now has six kids, all of whom she homeschools. There's a whole support system for it. 

Evening Jib!

I like hearing stories like these! I think it's great and admire the parents who do that! I wish there was a support network where I am!

The UK is quite secular now, and I'm definitely not religious myself, so find us falling through the home ed cracks! 

I suppose I'm just lamenting the fact he's growing up and his baby days are behind him. It's really amazing to see, I'm so proud of him, he's already so strong, with huge hands, and protective of his sisters, and I've seen him stick up for other kids or include others that are getting left out, which honestly Jib, tips my heart over the edge! 

I think the pro side is, he's got this group of boy friends now (of course the popular group, could it be any other?!) which he's been accepted into nearly off the bat, and he's rough and tumble and laughing and rolling with them and I'm glad I never kept him off. Suppose I have some niggles some days and wish for simpler times in a way. It's not all bad though.

In another life, I had 12 kids in a country cottage, open fires, and then running errands across the village, climbing trees, and rolling around the hills with their friends after feeding the horses!!!!

My Grandma's sister married an Irish guy and had 12 babies. My Grandma said, "It was tough, they had no money, but she shelled them like peas!" I think meaning, easy pregnancies, easy births! She was so slight as well! 

I go off on one. Sorry for being such a raving loon.

I need to issue cards to everyone I've ever met tonight - HA!

x

[mylolita]

______

Dance with the boogie get down
'Cause boogie nights are always the best in town

Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing
Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing

'CAUSE BOOGIE NIGHTS ARE ALWAYS THE BEST IN TOWN!

- Heatwave, 'Boogie Nights'

______

And you can dance
For inspiration
Come on
I'm waiting!

Music can be such a revelation
Dancing around, you feel the sweet sensation
We might be lovers if the rhythm's right
I hope this feeling never ends tonight

Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free
At night, I lock the doors, where no one else can see
I'm tired of dancing here all by myself
Tonight, I want to dance with someone else

Get into the groove
Boy, you've got to prove
Your love to me, yeah
Get up on your feet
Yeah, step to the beat
Boy, what will it be?

- Madonna, 'Into The Groove'

________

I danced myself right out the womb
I danced myself right out the womb
Is it strange to dance so soon?
I danced myself right out the womb

Is it wrong to understand
The fear that dwells inside a man?
What's it like to be a loon?
I liken it to a balloon

Oh, ohh-oh

I danced myself out of the womb
I danced myself out of the womb
Is it strange to dance so soon?
I danced myself into the tomb
But then again
Once more

Oh, ohh-ohhh!

- T-Rex, 'Cosmic Dancer'

________

x

[mylolita]

_____

I got brass in pocket
I got bottle, I'm gonna use it
Intention, I feel inventive
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice and

Got motion, restrained emotion
Been driving, Detroit leaning
No reason, just seems so pleasing
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination oh!

'Cause I going make you see
There's nobody else here, no one like me
I'm special
(Special)
So special
(Special)
I got have some of your attention, give it to me!

I got rhythm, I can't miss a beat
I got a new Skank, so reet
Got something, I'm winking at you
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice!

Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination oh!

Oh, 'cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here, no one like me
I'm special
(Special)
So special
(Special)
I got to have some of your attention, give it to me!
(Give it all)

- The Pretenders, 'Special'

________

 

x

 

[mylolita]

_____

You're my last breath
You're a breath of fresh air to me
I am empty
So tell me you care for me

You're the first thing
And the last thing on my mind
In your arms I feel
Sunshine

All the promise
A daydream yet to come
Time is upon us
Oh but the night is young

Flowers blossom
In the wintertime
In your arms I feel
Sunshine 

Give up yourself unto the moment
The time is now
Give up yourself unto the moment
Let's make this moment last

You may find yourself
Out on a limb for me
Could you accept it as
A part of your destiny?

I give all I have
But it's not enough
And my patience's all shot
So I'm calling your bluff

And we gave it time
All eyes are on the clock
Time takes too much time
Please make the waiting stop

And the atmosphere is charged
In you I trust
And I feel no fear as I
Do as I must

Tempted by fate
And I won't hesitate
The time is now
And I can't blame it

I been in it too long
The time is now
And the time has gone 
Let's make this moment last
And the night is young

The time is now
Let's make this moment, last

_____

- Moloko, 'Time Is Now'
 

x

[mylolita]

If you ever find yourself an object of ultimate obsessive desire, from someone just like me - beware, and, beware. You'll know it for sure, any which way sugar! Make no mistake!

I hope you are so lucky. I hope you are not so lucky.
 

x

[mylolita]

Things have been going really great lately, just really great. When I say lately, I mean, for a whole week (HA!) but, that is an eternity for me, it really is.

I've been spending so much fantastic time with the kids. Just being with them, and having D there as well, makes me feel complete. I can't describe it. I'm truly at my happiest.

I never thought I was a simple kinda gal but, here I am, sat out on the grass having them wrestle on me, or make daisy chains while the sun makes dappled light through the blooming leaves of our apple tree. Heaven.

We had a big date night on Saturday - and it was so needed. I got drunk. HA! I am, can I say, a hilarious, cheeky, entertaining drunk, and kinda kooky with it too. When I got home, my sister and D said I dropped on the floor and started rolling in slow motion. Kicked one my heels off and had it wizzes past D's head and ping off the mantle. I started dancing "for my candles" and shooting my foot off and going "KA-POW!" at every toe flick. I was dancing on the coffee table and spoon feeding myself my sisters left over Indian. I can't remember much else. Such a gorgeous night. And the most exotic free sex happens when I'm tipsy - HA! Need I say more! Need I say more.

Anyway, it's been white hot, we're like teenagers again, and constant relentless flirting and playful throwing and lifting of me over his shoulder. We always play and tease and flirt but, lately it was getting lost. It really was. I was started to worry - majorly. But we're back on, like 14 year olds - Romeo and Juliet, all of that, and after 15 years and three small kids, I have to say, I'm feeling like giving myself a well deserved notice of service here, a well done, you've got through this alright m'girl. You're doing OKAY.

We were all taking a slow walk back in the sun, the air smelling sweet like summer, when a friend of mine who is much older was coming up the bank with her grandson in a single buggy. We stopped to say hi. I felt like the All Wholesome Family. My husband had our middle girl on his shoulders, I was holding our little toddling babies hand, their blonde hair was radiant in the light, their cheeks blush pink. I told her my middle daughter is taking a good break from nursery now, and it's not for her. I told her we'll see when she's maybe 4, but there's no rush. She threw a wink at me, no joke. I squeezed her cheeks and said, "She's escaped! FOR NOW!"

Sue started laughing. She smiled, a really warm, kind of half sorrowful smile. "Well, if I was in a family like yours, and they said to me, do you want to be with your family or go to nursery, I'd know I'd be staying with you no contest!" She gave my arm a friendly squeeze.

How lovely to have someone say that to you. She comes over now and then and I make her tea and her little boy toddles around with my two girls while their brother is at school. 

I have to say, my heart is full. So full. I can barely stand it.

What a beautiful day.

x

[mylolita]

It's all in the limbal rings, hunny! 

x

[mylolita]

Last week, D saw this house advertised a few streets down from us, and then it came with this separate piece of land they had been using as an open space and a garden. But, it doesn't really work as a garden, even if you only have to cross one road and jump onto a piece of pavement to get to the lock on the wall. I think this is why it's sticking.

D came to me and said he'd viewed it (he always does this, without me knowing, I don't care, that's how he found our last house) and said he was seriously considering it, and what did I think? 

We had a few conversations, real brief, and he's made a cash offer to the lady who owns it, just for the land. I think he's thinking, it's a 5 minute walk from us, other people have built apartments on the ones that have been sold off in the past, so it could be a future investment to sit on, but for the immediate, he was thinking, open garden, and a single storey office in a modernist glass walled setting, keeping those beautiful large old trees about the place, everything still secluded. A place where he can work away from the house and noise. Because, he really needs to get on, and if he can have even two hours interrupted, he can do more in those two hours than 8 hours of back and forth and bits and bobs. He's always worked like that.

I got to thinking - it would be amazing to kind of, give a few friends who have small children the key, put a lovely wooden play set in there, plant around it, wild flowers, and just say, whenever you want, you can go in and relax and let the kids play, we don't need to be here. It would be such a nice thing to be able to do for the gals I know with small kids, who sometimes don't have a garden at all, not in Victorian town houses anyway.

I also joked to D, that there are so many Dads who work from home, desperate to get away from their kids crying and their wives calling up to them, that he could probably rent 6 offices out tomorrow!!! He laughed but I saw the penny drop. He said, "I could put the pool table in there!" I said, this is descending into a Boys Club House amongst the TREES!

Anyway, we're just sat here wondering how the owner will take it. Sometimes if you got with a big fat envelope of money, and say well, take a discount on your original offering price but you'll save that on tax, sometimes peoples eyes light up.

It would be so amazing to have it! I think he might have half convinced her to split it up and sell if off separately. 

I'm really into gardening. No one would think it. I have an obsession with box hedge and rows of overspilling French lavender. The smell of that stuff! I could fall into it and lay there forever. If I could get my hands on a candle that replicated the scent, I'd be all IN! There's something about a walled garden as well. I lose my mind! Perfect. 

x

[mylolita]

Could only last so long! OH! There she goes AGAIN.

Saturday morning, three day weekend, looking forward to it, feeling tired, nothing new - it's okay.

I decide things are running peacefully. Drizzle is falling cosily from a grey sky, the kids are playing sweetly together. I manage to have a coffee upright in bed while the bath runs. D is fast asleep through me making breakfast, bathing the kids, me taking the baby in the bath with me, and some cartoons in the other room propped up at the end of one of their cute wooden single beds. 

It's about 10am and I put the littlest bambino down for her, usual, 2.5 to 3 hour nap of the day. She's religious with this nap and if often never fails (famous last words). I usher the kids downstairs and ask them if they want to go out for a drive and help me with a food shop. They're excited because they know this means play dough from the shop and sweets back home in the car seat. There's nothing much else to do with the weather, and I want to try and prolong Daddies break. He's not stirred from 6am till 10am. I peek in, he startles and turns his head towards me. 

"I'm gonna take the kids out. Listen for babe but you can have until past dinner for a rest. Call me if she wakes up."

He's half asleep, nods, and rolls back over. We get back a bit after twelve. The kids are tired and hungry and getting whiny. Rainy days sometimes do that, don't ask me why. I've bought paint and arty crafty things and I flick the lamp on in the dining room table and get to making some noodles. In the back of my head, I see the piles of washing waiting to do (2 days worth - which is a mountain for me and I never go a day without doing washing, so this is nearly unheard of) and all the cleaning and organising I want to do. I can still tell the husband is asleep upstairs, and the baby is too.

She starts crying out just as I think of her. I call up to D, and instead of being in bed, he's stepping out of the shower. Good good, now he can help me! Maybe he can take them out while I put the shopping away and get on!

It's a drag people, a total drag. The kids won't let me leave the living room. My little Dee Dee middle babe is hanging off my leg, crying her eyes out ("I WANNA BE WITH YEWWWW!") My bambino is now crying, probably because her big sister is crying, and they all sense I want to go do some chores, so of course, they all suddenly NEED ME. D is like, "I just want to do this thing give me half an hour" and I'm turning livid, actually, and feeling suddenly extremely stressed, in a tired, overblown, spoilt way. 

Another 2 hours pass while I try to get on, oversee the dinner and cleaning up of the table, and he's pestering me like, "Whats the plan? I can take them out if you want?" And I say, y'know, could you drive them out to the electric place, I need a new hoover, the Dyson is deceased. He starts looking up warranties and I'm like, sugar, I've checked that, it's well out, could you just? I wanna get on?

I can feel my blood pressure which, taken yesterday, was always running on the natural low side, probably about to burst my eyeballs outta their sockets. 

Finally, another half an hour, of me getting juice and a bag of spare clothes and wipes and nappies for the baby and their coats and shoes on and he's stood there in the hall like, what's the fuss, I'm ready? I'm saying, just take bambino, I'll sort the other two out. And I've been asking them for 45 minutes off and on to go to the loo because we're going out. And they ignore me, or mess on, or start fighting. My son half falls down the stairs he's being silly and acting up, trying to grab at my ankle while I run up with laundry that needs folding. I'm seriously getting wound up now.

"You're going out! Daddies taking you! You can have a nice nap in the car! Go on the loo!"

"Son, on the loo."

I don't need it. Look at your scratch on your ankle. Watch me do this. Why do I have to go? I don't need my coat. I'm too bored. Are we getting anymore toys? Is there fries? She has my aeroplane! I DON'T WANT TOO! I need my coat now. Where is my aeroplane?! 

It goes on and on. I know my husband is behind the front door ready to collect the other two. My daughter has been messing on the same way. They have been ignoring me or talking over me.

My petty frustration accumulates in the inevitable huge blow out:

"JUST. GO. ON. THE. P-O-T-T-Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Loudest shout ever. 

I think to myself, I haven't shouted since probably June. That's nearly a whole year. I glance through the side glass panes of our front door. My husband's face says it all, and he's holding our baby daughter. He looks so disappointed, and also very serious, and full of mega disapproval and shame.

He opens the door a creek, through the cries and now wailing of my son and daughter. "I heard that you know." He pauses, and looks concerned and protective over the children. "We're going to talk about this tonight."

GOD.

I'm still furious though, and feel righteous in my actions, and, CAN'T THEY JUST LISTEN AND DO AS THEY ARE TOLD?!

I say, forced, "45 minutes D. How else are they gonna listen?! How many other ways do I say, can't ya take a PEE?!"

He just shakes his head, and repeats, "We'll talk about this later."

The kids are devastated. My son is lamenting, crying to the sky, "I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU."

My daughter is holding her blanket, repeating, "I don't like you Mammy! I don't like you!"

D takes them both, and I follow to help him strap them in. They are now all completely silent. My ears are ringing. I feel horrible, but terribly, I'm not sorry, not one bit. How is this supposed to work?! 

"I just need to get on with chores kids. You need to do as you're told. I don't want to have to ask you over and over." And I shut the car door.

Petty, childish, still angry? Yes.

I aggressively got on with chores as soon as I slammed the front door, hardly caring if any neighbours were home to hear. I was talking to myself:

"God DAMN it! Who does he think I am? I'm supposed to be a Saint? What the f*ck! I won't! What the hell! I won't! I WON'T! OH! Oh! Just carry on, as you are! Don't mind ME! Silly b*astard! Oh! OH! I'll talk to you tonight?! Send me to MY ROOM? Who the hell are you! Little ar*seholes sometimes, they are! ANGELS but GOD DAMN IT! Are you SERIOUS?! WHATEVER!!!!! And the MESS! Ohhhhhhh just carry on, do as you please, don't mind me, picking up after you bent down like a little hunchback in domestic service! THE MONKS HAD IT BETTER....."

I don't start making any sense. I'm just raving now about the neighbours. "....Ohhhh and you're so perfect with your perfectly quiet timid scared children! SCARED you'll probably not look one day and accidentally SIT ON THEM. What a heifer! I can't deal with this! JUST GET THE HOOVER YOU IDIOT. SHUT UP. I JUST WANNA CLEAN! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO RELAX! I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO GET OUT FROM UNDER MY FEET AND PAY YOUR DUES LITTLE SH*THOUSE PERFECT CALM F*CKER!"

Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!

x

[mylolita]

I'm sat here, 9pm, the sky is gently dimming from another day by the sea, the coastal wind whipping the top of trees, swishing at the thinnest points, throwing pink blossom about the air and grass. I feed the fire with logs, a mixed array of candle holders in all their quirky varied heights glowing peacefully along the mantle. Spring but chilly air is dancing with the smoulder of wood embers. I adore - J'ADORE - that SMELL! It will always just be, for me, one of those smells.

I've had a testing few days with my son. I need more time with him again. School takes him away from what is, really, our friendship. Everyone tells me, your kids should never be your friends - but, I can't help it. They really are. I love them on so many different levels. I talk to them exactly like the cute mind bending state altering angels on earth that they are! But still, sometimes, they don't want to do what you want them to do, they wanna do what's on their magical little minds! And who can blame them?!

I called my sister up. It's become a thing every few weeks. I never did it, ever. Our relationship has never been really close, but I started inviting her up more since we moved next to the ocean, and she's been a huge help with the kids; and although we are very different, we are also much alike, and she is the only other person who's been brought up near the same way I was, and we have that strong connection, and conversations always shift straight back to the past, or our parents, and, it's comforting. To know someone else knows! Or understands. And we even have a laugh about it, because we joke nearly everything off. Sometimes, that really is the best way. I don't care what anyone says.

I asked her opinion on some parenting issues. I realise she's not a Mum herself but, that doesn't really matter to me. She did a brief stint in a nursery and, I was really desperate to hear her unique perspective. 

She told me some really lovely things I've never heard before. She told me I have the cutest, most amazing kids, who are so well behaved, but not every kid is perfect all the time (of course, of course). This re-assured me I wasn't "failing". I said, "I lay down most nights and get to thinking what I did wrong, how I could make that better? Why wasn't I organised enough in this bit? On and on."

She said, "At least you do that. So many parents don't. They don't care Lo. You're a truly brilliant Mum."

It was so great to hear. I don't believe it, truthfully. But I know I love them, so so much. And I know I try my best, the majority of the time.

She went on to say, "You raise them differently to how we were raised. You wrestle and hug and kiss them all the time, do fun things with them. Mum, I always remember craving attention from her. She never hugged us much. She used to hit us round the legs all the time. She was crabby as f*ck."

I shunned! "Are you kidding me! I thought she never ever hit us!"

"No! Really?! You're memory is BAD! She did it not in a hard way but, all the time!"

She went on to say, "You're never like that. I saw last time, when they were fighting about a cartoon, you sat between them and said, let's all decide on something different we all would like to watch!" And they tustled a bit then settled happily on deciding a cartoon they both liked. You talk to them. You bring them up in an intellectual way. I'll admit, it's a little bohemian, but whatever Lo, it's working! Don't beat yourself up!"

I almost felt like allowing tears to my silly tired eyes! I'd been sat twirling my eyelashes between my forefinger and thumb, taking the thick layers of mascara absently off, phone in my other hand.

"Girl, that is so nice of you to say. Honestly, it means a lot. I appreciate it. I try my best chick, I really do. Ahhhh!"

We both kind of sigh in unison, my confession complete... well... for another day!

I never really think of myself as a bohemian type of parent, but if I step out of my world and look in, oh man, I really am. I think I actually am. I never thought of it that way. It's nearly impossible to see yourself from the outside in. It never registered. 

Only a few days ago, while the rain poured, I ran with it while they decided to all strip off naked in glee, while I played funny Chinese New Year drum music over the sound system, and let them bounce in unison on the couch! I had to hold a teddy to be allowed into "the show!" I know it will be one of my happiest memories till the day I die.

My Dad would NEVER have let us jump on the couch. My Dad never, I mean never, had a couch as nice as this one. Silk - designer - whatever. My kids jump on it. Sorry George Smith. You're probably a traditional poncey artistic gay. I love your stuff, I do. But my kids naked bums roll all around it and the cushions get thrown off to make bridges "across the water!" or "NO! ACROSS THE STARS!" 

My middle daughter, she started getting upset before her two morning a week nursery days. She was only there 3 hours, twice. And she only got upset a few times. I was in the car one morning, and she was sniffing up her fleece blanket she always has, and her huge, wide spaced, doll like 20s silent movie star eyes were wet, peering over that loved cloth at me. And I looked at her baby sister, smiley and kicking her feet happily. I said, "Dee Dee, hunny, is there anything wrong? Why don't you like nursery?"

She took the blanket away from her mouth. "I miss you, so much, Mammy." It was said slowly, with pure emotion, and a heavy heart. I reached over and squeezed her hand. I looked into her gorgeous eyes. "If you don't want to go, you don't have to go." I winked at her. She brightened instantly.

"I LOVE YOU MAMMY! I want to go home and do the craft things with YOU!"

It melted my foolish heart right down to the pooling wax I see before me in pastel glass holders. My Dad, would say, that was her intention. To have me round her little finger. But my heart told me otherwise. I'm just not bothered. Let's leave the institutionalising for another year, huh?

I said, "Hold on." I locked the car, the office was just right in front. I waved at my favourite nursery teacher (she really is lovely!) and explained briefly, we'll leave it for a bit. I didn't care if they said no, I was just letting them know, and thanked them for all their help and making her feel comfortable. It's a free nursery school, attached to the Primary School, so no one was missing out any fees. She understood instantly, putting a warm hand on the top of my arm. "Always another week Mum!" She smiled. She and I both knew, next week, my little blonde haired bambino wouldn't be bouncing through those doors. I thanked them again. I got back into the car, and rummaged in my bag for two strawberry oat bars. I unwrapped them and handed them to the girls, chit chatting in their own baby-toddler way in the back.

Delighted, and filled with a weird satisfaction I always have wash over me whenever I let go of the weighty status-quo, I chirped "Let's go for a ride!"

I pulled off. Fifteen minutes in, both their heads were back, blonde curls splayed out on the headrests, lidded eyes closed in that, concentrated, beautiful, baby slumber.

I turned on some jazz, very low. I looked at my watch. All in good time.

Maybe I am a bohemian kinda Mama?

And maybe, I like it!
 

x

[mylolita]

"… and it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

- Dorothy, 'The Wizard of Oz'

x

[mylolita]

She sprouted, from a shell.

x

[mylolita]

And here I am, holding my own. 

Like Venus, but not the same shell. Y'know what I mean.

Only time I've ever worn black.

We share the same melancholy look when in still - that, we have in common! Oh, and long necks. Never done me wrong. 

x

[dias]

21 hours ago, mylolita said:

We share the same melancholy

You, however, have soulful eyes!!!

[mylolita]

Gone and blown my top ONCE AGAIN. Gone and lost the marbles. Gone and self destructed. Gone and done wrong.

Why can't I keep my cool?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

D is just PUSHING ME. No respect, from him or the kids. Feel like no one listens to me. They do what they want after I've asked when they've suddenly started feeling like it. I cook and clean and do everything to do with the household - for 15 years. Been there day in day out, 5am, 2am at night, through till 8pm, the hours put in, only God knows, no holiday, feels like, tiny moments of brief rests, to get back onto an intense hamster wheel fed with ecstasy, love, overwhelming responsibility and plain frustration and cursing and self hatred and hating everyone else and blaming myself and blaming everyone else.

Bambino is asleep. They know to keep it down. We have been at this now for 5 years, I think the rules pretty clear. I go down, the kids are amped up about going rock pooling, I've got their wetsuits in the crook of one arm. D is sat in the armchair by the fireplace, ashes left from a night before. The sky is clear blue and the birds are singing in throws and masses, flitting through hedgerows and apple trees and shrubbery, hop hop hop, from each lazy, sleepy, Victorian British street terrace. 

"Please keep it down kids, your sisters sleeping, don't want to wake her!" I say this in the sweetest, happiest tone. I am, actually, feeling pretty good. Irritated at the hard night of my baby awake. She never normally does that. If I'm honest, I'm irritated that D told me to turn off my music I put on first thing this morning, which put me in a great, chilled mood. I love music, all the time. He has no idea about things like that. Why would he? He doesn't have the same heart beating inside his chest like me. He doesn't know about any of this stuff. Atmosphere is lost on him, and why create it? People will never understand. I feel so alone. The way he told me, irritated, to please turn that noise off. "Not THIS again." He says. Okay. I carry on rushing around after the kids while he's in bed looking AT HIS PHONE.

D is silent, looking at his PHONE AGAIN. It's getting quickly louder and louder. "Kids - D, tell them! - c'mon, hush now, she needs her sleep."

Nothing. I ask another three times in half an hour. They are running riot and getting out of control, whipping past me, now screaming, wrestling.

"D! D! It's okay for you though! It's me who's gonna have to tend to her for the rest of the day when she wakes up crabby and you all carry on and flit off to the beach because you don't care! No consequence for you! MAMMY JUST HANDLES IT!"

I turn around into the hall, and low and behold, I can hear her crying out. A nap cut painfully short, because of the noise.

D says, "I made them shut the door. She was due to wake up anyway!"

"No she wasn't! 1pm she's due! It's flippin' 11. OH! Ohhhh but it's okay! I'll sort it then ay! Don't listen to me! Why am I even thinking you have a damn clue about anything that happens daily here ANYWAY!!!!"

"Mum! Mum!" My boy starts tugging at me and telling me he's only shouting because he wants to go to the beach.

"But no one LISTENS TO ME!"

I'm furious now. It's all okay for them. I just do everything like some slave drudge. Just don't want to!!!!! Just won't. I may be traditional, but I'm not a slave, and I deserve listening to, to be backed up by my own husband with the kids, and I deserve some respect.

I bring her down, beyond irritated now. I start changing her, giving her an apple, throwing spare clothes and nappies and wipes in a bag. 

"You can take them all now. Don't care if I got a break, any of you!!! Well, sort it out yourself! I'm off!"

D : What!!!! Why are you being like this! Are you serious?! We said keep it down!"

"NO! NO! I WON'T BE TAKEN THE MICK OUT OF! I KEPT ASKING YOU ALL TO BE QUIET! LOOK, I'M OFF. SORT IT OUT YOURSELF. DO YOUR OWN RULES AND SCHEDULE. I'M SO SICK OF THIS!!!!!!! I'M BEYOND SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I'm screaming now. I want to f*cking, run into the woods and just SCREAM into the trees, I'm so sick and tired of it. I've had it. I can just feel my nerves completely shot. I know I should never shout in front of the kids, argue with D in front of them, but I've completely lost my head and the worst case is, they deserve it, all of them (apart from the baby), they really do.

"YOU TAKE ME FOR GRANTED!"

D is trying to touch my arm now. I slap it away. I'm FURIOUS.

"Y'KNOW WHAT! SORT YOURSELVES OUT AND DO WHAT YOU WANT! Y'KNOW WHAT?! I'M GOING OUT AND GETTING MYSELF A COUCH, TWO ARM CHAIRS, SOME OTHER STUFF D! YEAH! SO GIVE ME THAT WAD OF CASH YOU KEEP TIGHT TO YOU IN THAT BUM BAG! COS THAT MONEY IN THERE MIGHT JUST ABOUT COVER ALL THE FLIPPIN' SLAVE WORK I DO 14 HOURS A DAY AFTER YOU ALL! THINK I MIGHT JUST START GETTING EXACTLY WHAT I LIKE NEXT WEEK! YOU ALL DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ANYWAY! DON'T MIND ME!"

He's trying to say, hang on now! Let's discuss this! I unclip his bag. He grabs it from me. "You want some money?! Why didn't you say!!!! Here! Have it! See how we end up next year with you in charge of finances! Do as you please!"

He opens the bag and throws about £8,000 on the floor. All the notes splay over the hall console table, fall beside the vase and down the back behind the lamps.

I then threaten to go book into a hotel next week. The kids are all now crying. I feel absolutely terrible, but full of the most intense rage and pent up hatred for my husband. He's trying to console me and calm me down. He's telling me to leave and get out the house for a bit. I'm the worst most abusive partner in the world. Part of me, in that moment, doesn't give a flying fig. Not one fig. How DARE THEY!

I get them all ready, he starts up trying to defend himself. I say, don't even start, don't you dare! 

And then I break down into tears. "THE WORST PART OF THIS IS, THE VERY WORST, IS THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE - NEVER! AND YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! AND YOU NEVER WILL! AND WE'LL BE DOING THIS NEXT WEEK! AND I CAN'T STAND IT! AND I WON'T STAND IT!"

I basically throw them all out the door, the kids looked beyond shocked, D is trying to ring my phone. I throw my phone smack across the living room. I hope it shatters into a thousand pieces and I WISH IT WAS HIS GOD DAMN F*CKING FLIPPING F*CKTARD PHONE HITTING THE WALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am absolutely RAGING. I'm going to spend THOUSANDS. I don't give a SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY CAN ALL GET ON WITH IT WHILE I DO SOMETHING I WANNA DO!

I shout through the letter box, "THANKS FOR MY WAGES!"

I was at the supermarket yesterday, at the SUPERMARKET, and some guy who works there, some great, nice whatever guy, was like, "I watch you everyday Lo, you must have Gaelic blood in you."

"Oh? Y'think! I don't know! Celtic maybe. Mad enough."

He smiled and shook his head. "You look like a Gaelic Queen. You look like someone who would be worshipped."

HA HA HA HA HA!!!! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME! WORSHIPPED! GET THAT!

I slammed the door. Some of the notes fly up.

I shouted to myself, in my empty unfinished house, "WORSHIPPED! F*CKING WORSHIPPED! DO YOU READ THAT! AND HEAR I AM! CAN YOU BE quiet PLEASE!!! Please, if you would be so KIND!!!!!!!! WORSHIPPED! A FINE DAY! A FINE FINE FINE DAY! LOOK AROUND!!!!!!! SOMEONE SHOULD BE THROWING THOUSANDS AT ME EVERY WEEK, OH YOU WISH! HEY! HEY!!!! THEY WOULD IF I COULD! BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED!!!!! NO!!!!! NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE MY OWN F*CKING BUM BAG FULL OF CASH! OH NO!!!!!!!!!"

D calls, "This is not acceptable..."

I cut him off. "I'M HAVING THE SILK ARMCHAIRS AND SPENDING SOME OF MY MONEY, GOD KNOWS I'VE WORKED HARD ENOUGH FOR IT. I'M OWED DOUBLE THAT. I SHOULD BE SLEEPING ON A SOLID GOLD BED THE HOURS I CLOCK IN. YOU DO YOUR OWN THING, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN."

"I want to speak to you when you calm down, this is not about money...."

"...OH WHATEVER! THIS WILL BE THE SAME WAY NEXT WEEK! AND THE WEEK AFTER! YOU DON'T GET IT! WHAT'S THE POINT! COULD JUST GO OUT RIGHT NOW AND BUY MYSELF A NICE CAR! MIGHT JUST GO TAKE A FLIGHT AND STAY IN A HOTEL ROOM SOMEWHERE NEXT WEEK! JUST GO AWAY! GET AWAY FROM ME AND LEAVE ME ALONE IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT ALL! I'M GONNA HAVE SOME FUN FOR ONCE - YOU DO THE OTHER STUFF, SEE HOW FAR YOU GET!"

One of my worst moments.

I truly have lost it. Truly. Tears, crying, bawling. I pelt the phone once again across the room. I angrily unload the washing machine for the 4th time this morning and literally throw down the pile on the landing. I snatch up a pair of jeans, the cuffs all turned up and in from the wash, and violently, aggressively, and manically, beat them straight, and just keep beating and beating them, the wet denim is slapping at my legs and stomach with every crazed whip throw. I toss them down the stairs. "F*CK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I shout full pelt down the hall.

I think I am having a nervous break down. There's no escape. There's no conclusion. Worst of all, there is no end and no appeasing. There is no SOLUTION. We can't seem to AGREE on ANYTHING REGARDING THE KIDS. 

AND THAT F*CKING PHONE.

My own phone rang again. I snatched it up, "What now! What now!!! What's the matter now!!!!?????"

"Calm down. Don't flip. Don't do this."

"DON'T DO THIS! THIS IS NOTHING! FLIP?! DON'T YOU DO THIS D! DON'T PUSH ME! I'M NOT SOME SUBMISSIVE DRUDGE LIKE MY MUM! I'M NOT RUNNING ABOUT THIS HOUSE FOR LITTLE SCRAPS AND A THANK YOU NOW AND THEN TO BE IGNORED AND TOOK THE P*SS OUT OF! DON'T YOU DARE DO THIS! DON'T! I'M GETTING SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE, SOMEONE'S LISTENING TO ME OR I'M OFF! I'M JUST GONNA GO! YOU CAN DO IT YOUR PERFECT WAY AND CRITICISE YOURSELF AY!"

"What! What are you talking about!!! This is so unacceptable. You think I'm not angry too?! I'm trying to be the responsible person here!"

"I DON'T GIVE A TOSS D! I DON'T GIVE IT! I WOULD NEVER DARE IGNORE YOU OR TELL YOU WHAT TO DO REGARDING YOUR BUSINESS! BUT YOU DON'T PRAISE ME, DON'T THANK ME, DON'T BACK ME UP WITH THE KIDS! YOU EXPECT ME TO BE CHIRPY AND THEN COME RUNNING INTO BED DRESSED TO THE NINES AFTER A 14 HOUR DAY! YOU ARE ABOUT PASSED OUT WITH COMPLAINING BY 2PM IF YOU SO HAVE THEM FOR HALF OF IT! SO DON'T YOU DARE! I DESERVE MORE! I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! DON'T PUT ME TO THE TEST! YOU THINK I'M IMPRESSED WITH THESE SCRAPS?! I'M NOT IMPRESSED! I COULD GO MAKE THAT TONIGHT, SPARE CHANGE, BUT OH, IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR A MOTHER! SO I HAVE TO WAIT HERE FOR YOU TO DO IT ALL IN YOUR OWN SWEET TIME AND I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ASK A SINGLE THING, JUST T R U S T  I N  Y. O. U!!!!! OH DANDIIEEEEEEEE WHOOOEEEEEEEE!"

I slam the phone down again.

This is my worst moment. Oh God, it most be one of them. 

SO fed up. SO tired of it. SO SICK. Feeling so HELPLESS! Like nothing I say or do makes a SMIDGE of difference and everyone just carries on the next hour. Everything I do is wrong. I need patience and saint like behaviour and saint like feelings and thoughts 24/7 like our dear Darling up here who handles everything perfectly all the time, with dignity, grace, and just, dawdling. Beyond irritating dawdling. "All in good time, all in good time!"

WELL I TELL YA WHAT'S IN GOOD TIME! THE INVOICE, COMING TO YOU MY FRIEND.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

x